Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

I found one: here.

Er I lurk in relationships section not around relationships in general!

I'm about to call a local solicitor see about free 30 mins.

I mean his mum as well as him, BTW. Hugs & good luck. You are strong and you are worth more than this.

Thank you will have a look.

MIL sounds awful but you are not responsible for her or DH behaviours, however, you are responsible and can change how this affects you and DD.

Your distress is a lot more palatable to DH than the wrath of his mother; in his mind the path of least resistance means taking her side. You have been bullied systematically for a long time and DH for a lot longer, this is why you feel the way you feel and he is the way he is.

Take a break, its difficult to think clearly while breathing toxic air. See a counsellor, give yourself time to re-group and take a more objective look at the whole situation. The past is the past, I'm not suggesting that you forget (hell no) but don't let your past encounters feed your emotions. Your emotional turmoil is totally understandable but it puts you at a disadvantage in your current environment.

When you get back from your break take control and establish a new world order. DH and his family might cower in her presences but you don't. You need to be polite, firm and consistent don?t let their dysfunctional behaviour dictate. Don?t ask DH to take your side in disputes between you and MIL, experience suggests that this is futile and experiencing DH disloyalty for the umpteenth time will only hurt more. Deal with her behaviour directly and don?t involve intermediaries. Develop strategies in advance for handling her behaviour (you no what she?s like so you can to a certain degree anticipate her behaviour). Show DH how to handle MIL by not letting her get to you and being firm.

I can totally understand why you may have considered leaving but this would not change MIL or DH behaviours and the respite would be short lived. Show them that you won?t be bullied and if you do decide to leave, it?s going to be because you walked and weren?t pushed. You are fighting for your family and unfortunately the burden is all on you, the fact you have survived this for so long suggests that you have an inner strength which means that you are more then up to the task.

This is going to damn hard, standing up for yourself in a calm and collected manner will give you enormous strength and is a great example for DD.

Good luck and I hope it gets better soon.

P.S In a normal family having a few cupcakes with your family wouldn?t be a big deal but in your environment it was always going to lead to a tit-for-tat response (separate parties are now a no, no).

Poor you, him not coming home means that he is feeling the strain too. His MIL sounds like a an insecure twisted woman with many issues, who as you said has got her claws in whilst he stays with them. His competitive behaviour sounds like it is learnt, directly from his mother. It just seems ridiculous to me.

I am not sure I agree so much on a father wanting quality time (mine tends to take out DD swimming on a Sunday morning whilst I get a lie in, it's their little thing together but thinking about it I wouldn't be excluded if I wanted to come just that lie ins are a little too enticing!) But, in your context it is absolutely bizarre in that you are not welcome if you did want to come.

Your husband needs a wake up call and it may come when he realises your DD doesn't become a daddy's girl (you cannot force this). What will he do when she disappoints him (and they always do and they always go through good patches and conversely bad patches). My concern from your perspective is what dreadful habits will he teach your lovely DD? You may not have control over this of course, after all he is her father, but you might want to think of a counteractive strategy so that your daughter is balanced, without turning her against her father - counselling would help you understand the psychological behaviours he has learnt and how you can ensure your daughter doesn't.

Poor you, feeling for you

Ooops, didn't see that I was on page 1 of a 3 page thread. I think that Relate is your last throw of the dice (if you still think there something left worth fighting for), don't waste time waiting for him to take the initiative, he won't.

I can see that your hope that there is a little bit of the man you married still left in DH. However, I feel that you have lost him to the dark side for good and to be honest Dath MIL is welcome to him.

This situation seems so toxic and my gut wants you to get out for you and DD sake.

Good luck and huge hugs.

I commented last night on this but the last few messages have compelled me to say something else, if only to back up what everyone else is saying. The more I think on this, it does seem like your DH is the real problem, much more than your MIL. He's the link and he's the one with the power to change things. Of course, he is basically mummy's little marionette as well, so I'm certainly not going to absolve her of blame. She is positively vile, but she wouldn't be able to spread her poison so effectively if your DH didn't act as her disseminator....

In good conscience, I must echo what others have said, plan in meticulous detail a way to GET OUT of your marriage. Financially and geographically. It looks like you're already on the way to seeing a solicitor, which is very good (CAB will provide a list of ones who take you on with legal aid, and in matters like this, it will only be your income that is taken into account for eligibility). Speak to your parents as well (they sound positively angelic compared to the heinous beast you got via marriage). If nothing else, you will need their love and support, no matter what you decide to do. You are very much at the point where you need to issue your DH with an ultimatum (although I would prep for leaving him first, to the most minute detail), but obviously you need to be prepared to carry this through. If you don't, you will lose all future negotiating power, your DH will see your threats as empty and MIL (who will surely hear about it) will have another weapon against you.

I will say that it sounds like you are severely emotionally abused by your DH, though it's possible he does not recognise it as that (not that that excuses him, because it doesn't), as he has clearly had such a warped childhood, emotions seem as fuzzy and blurred as boundaries in that family. If you continue to take it and take it and take it (which is what will happen by default if you do nothing, as the toxic twins will continue to beat you down slowly) your DD will probably start treating you the same, and will have no basis for seeing how she herself should be treated by a man. She'll become the doormat to some asshole that her mother is in danger of becoming now. And she will then take it and take it and take it too. That is a scary scary thought.

Job number one is a trip to Citizen's Advice. They can be incredibly helpful and even if all you ever need them for is information, it will empower you to get that. If you later need them in a more practical sense (ie if you do leave your DH) then they will already know your case history and will be in a very good position to assist you.

Please don't get downhearted by what I've said, I just don't think simply telling you you are lovely (which I'm sure you are ) is really enough right now. You need practical support to be able to make the right choices for your and your DD.

Best of luck and MASSIVE HUGS .

P.S. I wish you lived near me, I am pregnant and hormonal and would kick the toxic twins into touch for fun !

Just a thought....how many 'local ties' do you have? I know it sounds extreme, but would your parents be willing to move out of the area with you? I'm talking worst case scenario here, but it might be worth discussing this with them. If you do decide to split with your DH, geographical space might be really really good for you, but obviously you don't want to have to do this alone. If your family would go with you....this could be a possibility.

SwallowedAFly - I didn't see it before, but now you've mentioned it, I agree with you. DH and MIL sound as fucked up as each other and would not surprise me if they were warped enough to think they could do whatever they like. In hindsight, also not trying to be alarmist, but it wouldn't be much of a stretch to think this whole thing has been actively planned out so they can get hold of your DD. OP, you might be a spanner in the works now you've asked to attend (makes my blood boil that you had to ask ) which could've kicked of this latest round of bizarre behaviour from your DH. MIL sounds like a posessive ex-wife who can't let go now there's been another marriage. So weird. I wouldn't let your DD go to this party if I was you. Seriously.

Actually, I'm with swallowedAfly here. It cuts no ice to say "he's her father, he can take her where he likes" but that's not true. If he got her and ran off to, for example Spain would that be ok because he's her father and he can take her where he likes? I don't know if he would stay away permanently, but I bet it would turn into an overnight at least. Then she would be with MIL the next day etc.

Either you all go, or you and your DD stay at home. If he's sent you a text saying that he can't take it anymore then you either need to be talking or putting on a united front, not playing games. He doesn't have any right to just take her, at the end of the day you are her primary carer.

Hope you're doing OK, what time was the party meant to be?

Hi all. I still haven't heard from H. I text him back this morning asking him to explain what exactly it was that he couldn't handle. I have tried to call him (I know I shouldn't but I'm getting more angry, I want answers, I'm his wife for gods sakes. I haven't done anything wrong except ask to go to a party for my DD!) but he's ignoring me.

I won't be trying him any more. I'm trying to keep a level head. I'm trying not to be scared. I have always felt apprehensive about him and MIL taking DD off together, I suppose things have never sat right for me. AT Xmas time they disappeared off into a different room, taking pics playing etc for at least an hour and a half - (it was her bedroom so didn't feel comfortable going in to find her as is personal space IYSWIM). They have both told me on several occasions that I'm overprotective. Maybe I am? I can't imagine that he's going to turn up for DD tonight to go to this party. We haven't spoken, he hasn't spent the night here... although I have a feeling our 'argument' was engineered so I couldn't/wouldn't want to come along. i.e you won't want to come, previous name on cards etc etc, i can't handle this any more. I'm guessing MIL threw a strop when he mentioned I wanted to come.

I will arrange to be out from late afternoon to bedtime - I will come back to my own house, as I say he has no key. Until I've seen him/spoken to him properly, DD won't be going anywhere with him without me. It's not worth the risk, however small. If he's a decent man he'l see that I am trying to do best by our daughter and feel particularly vulnerable. If not, then I'll just have to face facts.

LLL - not sure about leaving the area. I would be happy to do so, but some siblings grown up with partners and children so not everyone would uproot. MAke it difficult as my parents would be choosing me over my other siblings if they chose to move along with me. I'm not sure how much of an option that would be. As for the rest, at least it will give me something to focus on. If he comes good, fine, if not at least I'm prepared and my mind isn't racing at the same time.

Thanks Istean and Pearl - I have to run now but will be back later on to read through everything properly again.

Another lurker here with permanent face reading this. Agree with others about severity of the emotional trauma in your marriage. CAB straight away and find out where you stand.

Thinking of you and good luck

Party 5.30 - still no word from H. He's just game playing. I can't count the number of times he's pulled the 'I'm leaving' stunt.Then ignored my calls and turned me into an emotional wreck! It's probably the 4th or 5th time this year he's done it and then stayed at his parents.

OP I can't believe the attitude of your H or MIL. Just read this thread with my jaw on the floor.

Agree with the others, don't let him have DD on his own. He is in a committed relationship with his mother rather than you. Shame his father hasn't more gumption and they've let this woman ride roughshod across the entire family.

Good luck.

You're handling this brilliantly. Keep calm and stay out until bedtime - even overnight at your Mum's if you're not feeling 100% secure. You'd be justified in that, he has sent you a text imply things are over then dropped out of contact, if my DH had done that too me I'd definitely go stay with my mum!

I think he is abusive, not the typical narcissist who seems to pop up on this board, but he's been bullying you, belittling and manipulating you, and if he's done this before he'll do it again. You don't need to close all the doors to reconcilliation, but I think you might do better at relate if he stays away for a while and only has supervised contact with your DD at your house (minus nanny-looney) for the next little while. If he'll do that then you know that he wants to try.

lastofnappies your situation sounds alot like mine except that I have 2 kids and my MIL has actually moved in with us. I am at my wits end and everytime I bring up the issue with DH he says I cannot ask her to leave she is all alone (even though she has her own house).

I have got to the point where I am having sever anxiety when ever I am out at the thought of going home where she is and the fact that she is now controlling my kids life and mine too. I have to get out soon or lose my mind.

You know, if he cared enough about his daughter he´d come home & put up with being with you iyswim.

Do not let your daughter out of your sight.

She is only a year old-why does she ever yet need to go anywhere without you?

Is he stupid bold enough to think he can just show up and take your DD despite the text message and subsequent lack of contact? I thought he and his lover mother were batshit crazy anyway, but you'd think they'd at least want to ensure your DD was at the party. Perhaps your DH just assumes you won't stand up for yourself and your DD will be ready and waiting to be taken off for this evening. I'll be very curious to see what happens in the next few hours....

omg I can't believe he has pulled an 'I am leaving' routine on you before. Several times!

I am still of the opinion that you could just go to the party. Maybe take someone with you as support. Smile a lot and take DD home after an hour or so.

Otherwise if you are going out until bedtime I would explain to DH via text and give him the option of you all going together or nada. I just see that if he turns up and you aren't there he and his mother will have ammunition.

OK - I have text DH and told him that I will be out, if he wants to contact me I'm on my mobile but as I've heard nothing about said party today or indeed heard anything from him at all I will go about my business as usual.

I'm off out now. We will see what transpires. I think I've realised today that H has the emotional maturity of a 17 year old, so unless he grows up v quickly there is nothing here for me. The big gestures of 'I'm leaving you' and standing in the hall hand on the door latch any time I try and have a conversation about what we are going to do together about his Mother are wearing thin. He can't threaten me with leaving - and if he does well he just isn't worth it. These stunts may have been bearable before we had DD but not now.

Thanks again everyone. Must say LLL's 'toxic twins' did make me laugh out loud! I'll be back as and when.

x

Don't go to the party, don't let your DD go. Stay at your mum's or if you go home at bedtime take someone with you (dad or brother/BIL), just in case anything kicks off.

And leave a bag of his things on the doorstep so he can move in with his batshit mother.

I hope now you know this situation isn't right - despite what you've been led to believe by the pair of them. You'll be doing your daughter a huge favour by removing her from this situation as much as you can.

I would also keep a journal of all the crazy things the pair of them have done in case you need to show it to anyone. As you say, individually nothing seems that bad but when you put it all together their behaviour is completely unacceptable.

I was just coming on to say keep a diary of everything too. Please don't go to the party, why would anyone want to put themselves in such an awful situation. Take care