Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

Hope you're ok today Nappies. I said that MIL would be ill - she is following the pattern perfectly. Ignore this completely. Keep yourself safe and your little one too, that's all that matters. Think about a spoilt little toddler, who is then set boundaries - they don't comply, they kick against the boundaries, and their behaviour becomes a million times worse. This is what's happening with your PIL and your hubby. Just stay focussed, and look after yourselves. Good luck with the legal stuff -things will get better soon.

Hope you're doing okay Nappies

Hi Nappies, hope you're okay. Good luck, and I hope you haven't had any more threats or intimidation from your H. I'm not surprised his behaviour has escalated: he's just found out that his previous techniques aren't working any more, so he's switched strategies. Report ALL attacks, physical and otherwise. Can you get a restraining order (sorry if already done or suggested)?

I think you're so brave coping with all this and I hope you get both rat problems sorted out soon.

Yup - I very much hope she's OK. Her dh is not coping with being a father or a husband.

Let us know how you are Nappies

bump

I think the sad thing is that a man who counts the days until he sees his parents again rather the few days he resigns himself to spent it with mother and child (as opposed to what he's doing which is taking dc out alone for bonding time without the mum) means he will not change easily and the OP will constantly struggle with this.

Plus he's shown his true colours that he's trying to appease the mother of his child whilst ensuring his own mother gets the best of everything.

That is not a partner or husband and that is not a father.

Very sad.

I hope the OP is OK.

Nappies - if you are around can you let us know how you are - am concerned about you love.

another one hoping you are okay Nappies

me too!

me 3

I've been thinking of you, too. Hope all is okay.

Hello all - thank you all for your concern!

It's been a nightmare week or so - apparently the rat wasn't from a nest in the house, just a random one that managed to get in from outside. But my office flooded with the rain and ruined my laptop, and DD and I have both had a cold/flu like thing.

I'm staying with my parents, DD and I sharing a room. Didn't want to be at home anymore. DH turned up a few times, and although he wasn't at all threatening, I just didn't want him there. Of course I'm being totally unreasonable for the only Saturday access at the moment according to him.

He saw DD on Saturday as we'd discussed. He brought her BDay presents from PIL (2 and a half weeks later!). He took most of gifts back as they were to play with at G'ma's house apparently!

As it is, I'm looking for somewhere else to live. I didn't call the police/report the incident on the stairs, as he didn't actually do anything. I just felt threatened. The Sgt there is another v good friend of his, and I just feel uncomfortable logging that kind of complaint with them. I know that DH doesn't believe that I'm serious still. He was v nice on Saturday. I did mnake sure that my brother was nearby in case something happened again.

I have lost some of my cool now. I think it's being ill combined with a bit of PMT. I keep crying. I think that it's the idea of my marriage that I'm mourning, the children that we won't have together now etc. However my priority is the child we do have, and I know that she's safe.

I hope for DD's sake that DH sorts himself out so he can be a good father to her. How on earth can he get to a stage where I let her for overnights? I really don't know.... When he hasn't actually DONE anything, just the threat of it, or what it could move on to...

I'm rambling again, and little hands reaching for the laptop.

Thanks again for thinking of us.

Am really glad to hear you and DD are well! I'm sorry to hear that you've had to move out, but honestly I think that you are better off away from your H, and with your mum around for moral support.

Your H just keeps giving textbook examples of how his and his mother's love is conditional doesn't he! Presents, but only if your DD does what they want and goes to him mum's house, all about the conditions rather than gifts for the sake of making her happy.

You don't need to think about overnights right now, it doesn't need to happen until you're comfortable with it - your DD being with you is the status quo and it will only be something that is built up very gradually. You're doing all the right things for both you and your DD and you should be so proud of how far you've come.

Oh and I forgot to add - did you get any further with the solicitor, have you found one you like yet?

Oh yes Lucky - lovely female solicitor in the next town - she's lovely and really helpful. Obv paying for her now, but she's worth it. I'm going in on Monday (prob going ot have to take DD with me!) and going through the sep agreement. It's going to come as such as shock to DH as he really thinks it's all going to be ok! He's totally delusional.

I didn't want things to be like this. If I'm honest with myself, inside there is a tiny thread of hope that maybe a year or two down the line DH will have seen teh light and have got help for himself - but I doubt that so I've got to plan for now. I've told the DH that he can live in the house we currently let, at the end of hte month I will call the landlords if he hasn't.

I suppose I only worry about the over nights, because I am keeping DD from DH. I know it's with good reason but I wish it wasn't like that. It sort of eats me up inside, adn I question whether I'm in the right all the time!

That's great news, and it's so good you're moving forward positively with this. There is nothing wrong with holding on to a little bit of hope that he might change, but I think you're very smart to think in terms of years rather than days or weeks as a timeframe. He genuinely might change, but he'll have to go through a massive amount of soul searching and possibly therapy first, he's not going to have a road to damascus moment and a personality transplant and you shouldn't trust it if he does.

You're not keeping your DD from your H, he's seeing her, you're just making sure that all contact with her is positive and responsibly handled, as he doesn't seem capable of that on his own. And that is of benefit to your H as well as her so no guilt allowed for doing the right thing for everyone! :)

Last

Glad you are coping so well rats and floods apart.

You do need to think of the future for you and dd as it's clear that your dh only sees his dd's future in relation to mil.

If it's any consolation, my dh is also a mummy's boy and mil is overseas but htis actually makes is harder as her needs involve alot of planning and money and our time and we have spent very little time together as a family but mainly our free time is with mil. Like your dh my dh doesn't engage with my family and there does seem to be a competition eminating from dh's family. Yes, we are 'together' still but yes it has been the biggest factor in our marriage going down the pan.

A few years on my dh does begrudgingly see that mil's interests and ds's interests are not the same but it's very draining to be waiting for the next sneaky thing. Their aim is that ds loves gran more than mum, live over in their country etc and I'm just the person who facilites everything. It won't happen but it's tense and draining waitng for the next move and there's always a next move. It's also very insulting that the person you married trains every thought on his blood relatives and not his wife and child. And just like your dh - he views ds as an object and prefers to spend time with ds alone and not with me as well.

It's not worth it love so you just do what your dh has failed to do and that is think of your family ie you and dd. She's lucky to have you.

You're doing really great! (So glad you finally found a lawyer on your side!).

How cruel to bring her presents and then take them away again, that must be so confusing to her!

As a - single - mother myself, it both makes me angry and sad, reading that...

It's all about control isn't it?!

I hope you told him how mean you thought the presents only for grannies house thing was (when daughter not around). What about presents from his sibs? Were they only for grannies too? That sounds very unreasonable. If you give a child a present it shouldn't have strings attached. That's nasty and manipulative.

Glad you're ok Nappies. The presents thing is typical - very cruel, but typical. You have given and continue to give your daughter something that money can never buy, and that is your unconditional love. Unconditional love is a concept alien to people like your hubby and MIL. He might change - who knows? Sorry to sound hard, but right now, what he wants is irrelevant. You are doing right by yourself and right by your daughter. You're a fantastic mum because you "get" what he and his mum will never get. Don't think about sleepovers - don't think too far ahead at all. A nice, calm stable life with her mum, with daddy visiting now and then, is fine for now, absolutely fine. The penny will drop when he realises you're serious - and he'll probably have a tantrum, fuelled by his mother, worthy of the most awful toddler. Let him - just focus on you and your daughter - and let him and his mum stew. Small steps - I know how hard it is - you're amazing.

Glad you´re doing OK, Nappies.

TBH, if he hasn´t got the message by now, then I´m thinking he won´t.

You´ve made him choose & he´s chosen his Mum.

My biggest worry about overnights would be that he would do them at MILs tbh.

Look after yourself-and your daughter!

So really, the birthday presents were for Granny to watch DGD play with, not for the child at all. It's all about her, the dreadful old tyrant.

Yes diddl, overnights in the house where they keep a stick on the wall just right for threatening naughty little girls who cry for Mummy when they're supposed to love Granny best. Maybe my imagination is running away with me there, but unfortunately it's not beyond the bounds of probability. They have form.

Keep strong for now, Nappies. You can work something out eventually whereby he has more time with DD, I'm sure, but there's no rush for that the way things are at the moment.

It appears that his only joy comes from seeing his own mum happy - that will certainly influence how he views his own daughter - mil happy daddy happy and mil unhappy in how dd relates to mil, then daddy won't be happy with dd.

He needs a complete rethink on how he views parenthood.

So glad that you and your DD are okay and safe at your mum and dad's.

I hope that one day your 'D'H turns around and realised what he has sacrificed for his mother.

Keep strong. Think of your beautiful DD and the happiness that you both have waiting for you around the corner.