Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

Hi Nappies, I'be just caught up with the latest news from you. I can't say it any better than tortoise has. I was hoping that things would have been better for you, but at least the git is showing his true colours now. And as for trusting your FIL ever again... I am speechless at all 3 of them. You and DD are better off rid of them all.

If you can feel yourself wavering, just remember:

1. You found evidence on his phone that all 3 of them are deliberately messing you around and lying to you about it.
2. They have a stick to beat small children with, find this funny and are planning to keep the tradition going.

Please keep fighting: you should be even more proud of yourself now that you have stuck to your guns and sent that email.

You are a good mum, and a good person. You are not just Rent-a-womb for Norman Bates and his mum. You get to decide the future for yourself and DD.

Op, have you managed to speak to a solicitor? Try to stay positive. The sooner that awful woman has no more influence on your life, the better you will feel.

However, unless you actually do want to end your marriage I would not let this woman drive you out of your own life. The most important thing is to reconnect with your husband and get him on your side - you are more likely to achieve this with carrots than sticks. The way his M operates is that she gets what she wants/gets away with things because people know that it is not worth the effort of crossing her. You have to make it so that your DH realises that his life is so much better when you are kept happy. Ask him straight up whether he actually wants a happy marriage with you, or a miserable one spoiled by his mum or a divorce. Does he love his child enough to be a man and form a united front with her mother to keep her from growing up in a broken home or is he going to let someone come between you and split up her family?

Couldn't agree more with MsBoogie's wise counsel. Don't play into MIL's hands. You are married to him not her.

Afterall, HE chose YOU.

Morning Nappies! Hope you're doing ok :)

I have been following this post and can only take my hat off to you for going thru all this!

There is only one saying in this country that I would say to you ~

Run, Forrest, Run!!!

You will never be able to change those family dynamics, (it's a life-long thing!) - they will always blame you instead of looking within, discard and discredit it is called - better to get out now for your sanity and your daughter's well-being, or she will be sucked up into it (never mind you!!).

Remember, you have to be there for her, and the only way to do that is to be there for you too!
(I'm a single mum, he is now 19).

Been there, got the t-shirt! and it's worn out! ;) (I dumped it, LOL!).

Wishing you all the best, and lots of hugs, even if it's not mumsnetty :o

Hi Nappies, hope you're okay.

Animata is right - you will be blamed.

My dh is similar and now he's acting like an arse with his family as well, rather than understanding my pov - they are 'well she's to blame and now we are suffering too'.

It's unlikely to change.

You must just stay focussed on what will make you the best family you can.

Hi Nappies, hope you and your LO are doing okay today :).

Hi there Nappies - Hope you're doing okay and that the solicitor gave you some good advice

Have been following this thread - not got anything constructive to add other than- you're on the right road now. Keep going. It's going to be hard, but it's the right path. Good luck

Hi All - Sorry for the absence it's been a long week! It has to be a quick update as I am waiting for Rentokil man to turn up (Long story!)

As predicted not only is MIL ill, but FIL is ill too! I haven't given in to emotional blackmail to let DH take DD over there. He has been over to see her (on Saturday as in my email, not that he didn't try earlier.

On Saturday I was putting DD to bed and H was meant to be leaving, but he started an argument. Obviously about his mother! (although as things haven't gone his way, more abuse is being hurled at me, I'm a bad mother, I'm bad with money etc) I asked DH if he would like to read DD her story as she wouldn't be ableto hear me over him. He raised his voice more and DD started screaming. I went to come back in the room and he shouted about a centimetre from my face and then pushed me out and slammed hte door. I was distraught as DD was so upset, and tried to get backin the room, he looked crazed! He grabbed me and held both my arms and had me at the stop of the stairs, my legs went to jelly. I think I never thought he was capable of anything like that. I know he wasn't goingot push me down the stairs then, but what about next time? He ran down the stairs and out of the house at this point, so I rang my brother to come and pick us up - we'd been staying at my parents until yesterday.

I got back and found a rat in my living room! Hence Rentokil today. I called Landlords but they called DH back as it's hismobile number they have. Cue a tirade from him on my answerphone about how we must have rats because of my shoddy housekeeping etc etc.

I've had advice from 2 different solicitors now. I'm calling them back today re the weekend. I think we need to have a formal separation agreement for now - this is what solicitor suggested if things aren't amicable. It will mean having a mediator as he is so unreasonable right now. If I can't get him to agree to move out, I will have ot find a new house for me and DD to rent. I wish I'd asked better questions to the solicitor when I'd had the chance. (The first one Ispoke to was the friendof DH, so gave v basic and sparse details)

Anyway thanks all for htinking of me - I still feel a bit of a mess at the moment. But DD is still well and full of the joys which is what matters! I've taken holiday this week (told the people I work for I won't be able to complete work etc. If I need ot move, I want to do it now! Although I know I won't be able to find anywhere that quickly

Thanks for all of your support on this. Sorry if I sound like something from a soap opera, it is all rather dramatic (and I hate drama!)

Oh, you poor thing. He's really showing his colours now, isn't he? I'm really glad you've been able to take some holiday, and that you talked to solicitors. You're doing brilliantly.

God you're doing brilliantly. The fact that your DD is still full of the joys is testament to how well you are coping.

Hope the rat problem is solved quickly!

As other posters have said, he's really showing his true colours now. Log EVERYTHING in a journal, times and full details of the incidents. You're right, next time you might not get off so lightly, in a physical sense.

Thinking of you

I'm glad you're OK, although it must have been absolutely horrible. You're doing great though, talking to the solicitors is a good step, as is keeping your family involved with what is happening, it's brilliant you have such a strong support network IRL.

There will be other people along with better advice than me I'm sure, but I think you now have every right to insist on supervised contact only for the next little while. You don't have to be the one who supervises either, your mum and brother could do it for example. I don't know also whether you should log the assault (physically pushng you and shoving you out out of a room is assault) with the police so it's on record. Your solicitor will advise you about that, but as someone else has said, it will affect custody and access arrangements so best to be pro-active with it. I think you need to focus with the solicitor on how your H is verbally abusive, and now when challenged has become physically abusive, MIL is by the wayside now (on that note, shame to hear she's ill, maybe she bit her tongue and poisoned herself?).

At least with renting it should be pretty easy to find somewhere else, even if you have to move into somewhere furnished for the time being. Do you still have his keys? Could you manage the rent on your own if he vanishes?

You're doing so well for you and your DD, she's very lucky to have you being so strong for her.

Heavens!

True colours & all that.

Well, with ILs being ill, there´s no need for a little one to be taken round there, is there

Hope you yet the rat sorted & that Rentokil sort out your pest problem.

Good luck with it all.

Shame Rentokill can't deal with the big Rat in your life!

My thoughts exactly! What symbolism that you found a rat in your living room!! :o

Write down your questions for the sollicitor so that you don't forget to ask.

Scary that he has become physically violent, you definately need another place for you and DD, all the best on that! And note all incidents with date and time!
DO NOT let him in to see you and DD without someone else there!! Being verbally - housework - and physically abusive shows he is feeling himself driven into a corner.

Hmm, PIL both thrown a sickie, eh? Very telling. No doubt they will blame it all on you for all the stress. (Remember? Discard and Discredit). Don't fall for it!! (feel guilt, or give them attention). You need all your faculties for you and DD.

Thank God you have your own family to turn to!

Next time he tries anything like that involve the police....it will be officially recorded then.

If you are going for seperation I think you should report this incident tot he police.

My husband is a milder version of this and my mil is a real controlling person.

I don't know if you can report without them going to arrest or question him - maybe someone can give better advice.

But I do not trust your dh one little bit - better that everything is documented and recorded.He was violent to you. I'm so sorry. He cannot cope being a family man can he?

Oh btw - my mil used to get us over to her country (we spent four months with her over the course of one particular year) - as her dh was dying. He was, but they'd been seperated for years, and once there she'd do her darndest to stop us seeing dying fil (because the other woman was always with him). He died last year and low and behold she developed a serious heart problem. LOL - she needed a new excuse - so bad is her heart problem that she's up at 6am cooking cleaning till 11pm when she goes to bed - she won't let us lift a finger. That#s how bad her heart is.

Your future without him will be much much better. I personally would report him to the police.He's already accusing you of things that are not true - why not accuse him of something he has actually done.

Stay strong.

Goodness me, his behaviour has escalated rather quickly.

Not surprised that MIL (and PIL) are feeling unwell. People like this often produce some mysterious illness when they do not get their own way. It is the adult equivalent of holding your breath until you get your own way. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

You need to formally separate from DH. Contact CAB to see what you are entitled to. If you are feeling brave you should contact the police about DH being physically abusive as it is really not on.

Luckily for you you do not have a house to sell. If he won't move out then find somewhere else for you and DD to rent. I do no know your financial situation but you may be able to get Housing Benefit.

I can not stress this enough but do not be alone with this man he could well become even more violent.

Good luck.

Btw not sure what your work situation is, but in the circumstances you might have a sympathetic ear in HR and maybe some compassionate leave - just so you can get yourself sorted.

nappies do write down all he does and tell the solicitor, this way you should be able to get enough evidence to go for supervised access only. Particularly mention that stick for punishments that your insane MIL has, that is vile and I would press for supervised access only on that basis alone.

He is getting nasty as he has lost control of you, and this will mean he gets his mother's disapproval, his mother's opinion menas more to him than anything as I'm afriad he is totally controlled by her, she has warped him into this dreadful person, and he is not strong enough to leave her. HE would rather threaten his wife and child than upset his mother. What a truly repulsive creature she is.

Hope you find a new place to rent quickly.

If you think of any questions for the solicitor write them down as you think of them, then take it with you. When you are emotionally distressed and parenting a young child thoughts often get scattered or forgotten as the next thing turns up.

My gran was a MASTER of suddenly being ill so she got all the attention, no one else was ever allowed a celebration or a problem as she immediately had one of her "turns". If I knew then what I know now, I'd have left her on the floor, pretending to faint, and gone to the cinema.

It's sad he's started being violent so quickly, but that means you could get the police involved if he tried to live in the house with you and his daughter, where as if he was being pleasant you couldn't.
His parents' "illness" gives you an excuse for your daughter not to visit them. You could say you'd consider it when they are "better" although the way he behaved to you I wouldn't let your daughter out of your sight at the moment.
It's sad he's still getting worked up about his mum rather than trying to save his marriage, which long term would benefit his mum.
All his side of the family seem to think very short term.
The marriage is definitely sounding over now though.
Hope things go well with finding more accomodation and a solicitor.