Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

LOTN - I said on another thread. Other people think my XH is a lovely kind pleasant man.

I know different.

I didn't see it coming.

I should have.

Oh my goodness have just caught up with your news from today. The new turn of events doesn't surprise me, he was hardly going to change his spots overnight. but the fact that he was talking about punishment when your tiny baby was 3 months old????? Holy crap - get him the fuck out of your life! I go back on what I said. OK so what, he's nice and funny on occasion etc, but he has no respect for you, your parenting, your feelings, your daughter's feelings and needs (i.e. sleep not toothbrushing) and acts like a controlling and frankly scary dick with his chat about punishment etc. He is not the man you want to grow old with together in my view...

I think people are right. Start to make provision for yourself and your daughter and show him you mean business. This is no longer about his MIL an dfrankly if he wants to send her pathetic little texts - let him, it's no longer your concern.

Just read your update and I am thinking that Custardo's plan of action is looking good.

Here's my experience with in laws:

Married quite young - still together after well over 25 years. However... I should have read the signs early on, but we were young and in love, so I managed to blank out some of the more outrageous slurs on my character from my SIL and MIL. Iwhtout giving details, the root of the problem was that I could never do anything right in their eyes: EG if I had painted my lounge green, it should have been blue; if I had put a skirt on my DD, it should have been shorter/longer/whatever... if I had said 'up', I should have said 'down' or said 'black', I should have said 'white'.

They are a family who are constantly 'glass half empty' but I often think that they can't even see the glass!!

I now realise that they actually never liked me. I was a well educated, independent woman and didn't fit in with their small community mindset of envy/pride and 'knowing your place'. I apparently changed their son - if only! He's still the man I married. . I did try to make a go of the relationships for well over 20 years, despite growing concern from my own family. It was just a drip feed of disdain from them over the years.

After some despicable incidents over the last couple of years, we now have minimal contact with DH's family. He realises that this is the only option and thankfully has made his life with me and our DCs.

Our DCs are now of an age when they have seen the behaviour in action and have made their own choices.

I'm not sure what I am saying to you Nappies, other than trust your own instincts, don't feel you have to be nice to people who basically don't like you. I did it for years and it was a bloody waste of time. It still doesn't feel natural to have no contact, but their feelings towards me were so evil, the time came when I 'smelt the coffee' and moved on.

Don't let your life be ruled by your very unhappy MIL and her gang of followers. Its not a good role model for your child. That kind of bitterness destroys people. Don't let it be you.

OP - you know that journal I suggested and you said you were writing? Make sure you write in it all stuff about what he's said about punishing little one. If things go down the road where you end up parting, then access will need to be sorted, and your fears are real. Don't ever ask anyone to justify what you are feeling love, you feel it - then to you it's real. You've been downtrodden by this man and his family for so long, that you've lost your self belief and the courage of your convictions. That's natural - they rely on this. Just remember that if you feel something - you are justified too. If you are at all uneasy about anything regarding your little girl, then follow your instinct, don't question it, or yourself, just follow it. You're doing well - keep going.

Thanks all - will read properly when I get the chance tomorrow - Avril's right, I'm worn out. I actually feel like there's an anvil on my chest tonight, like I'm close to a panic attack at any minute. I don't know why I feel like this today specifically. It's just the literal weight and responsibility and weirdness of it all.

I will read through all advice re CAB/solicitor again tomorrow and get my head sorted.

I'm going to bed for the night (although think I will find sleep hard tonight)

alos hope you get some peaceful rest sleep heed avril's message - get some rest ! i have to say, reading this that mumsnet is truly amazing the wise words and benefit of people opening up about often painful experiences is truly touching and inspiring

nappies one thing which your H clearly hasn't 'got' yet is: that if you separate he will no longer live with dd. doesn't he even comprehend this???? access for him 9and by proxy his PILs) will be obviously discussed but will be more limited than now. But seriously has he even figured out the gravity of the situation ?? he will no longer be able to come home and check her teeth at random and (even better) spend his home time undermining you. It seriously seems to me he doesn't actually really get what is at stake here. If he is daring to bring the idea of meeting with PILs when your very marriage is being so threatened then he is living in lala land. But more constructivley this is what he needs to be made to understand.

Dear, Dear nappies, I have read through everything since your original update and I have to say I feel sickened by the description of your situation, and the turns it has taken.

My instinct is to tell you to get out and stay out. Get a solicitor in the middle and refuse all direct contact with any of them.

The stick thing is just abhorrant, chit-chatting about potential punishments, and she's still a wee baby? SICK, SICK, SICK!

Please, you are too young to waste your life trying to save the salvageable. They will never let go of him. They will keep doing whatever it takes to pull him back into to their seriously fucked up mindset.

Sassy, your input on this thread has been awesome, you sound a marvellous person, and a dear friend to your friend-in-need. I lived in Egypt for 3yrs, it nearly broke me, I know the muslim DV life, if I can be of any help to you or your friend, please don't hesitate?

littlemisshissyfit at g mail dot com. or cat me, or I can cat you if that's more convenient.

I would also be taking advice re contact for your daughter-must she have it?

Your adult husband is afraid of his mum & therefore lets her do things with/to your daughter that he doesn´t want/agree with.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!!!!

He talks about punishment & what she won´t be allowed to do when she´s older.

He was beaten with a stick(?) by his own mother, the stick is still in her possession-what´s to say she won´t use it on your daughter-even if your husband doesn´t want it.

Your daughter(imo)needs protecting from both of them.

Morning Nappies! Hope you're feelign a bit better today.

I'm sorry if my previous post seemed a bit like I was getting at you, I didn't mean it to. I just wanted to reassure you that you legally have the right to keep the mad bat away from your DD until you are happy for your DH to have unsupervised contact (which can be as long in the future as you feel comfortable with right now) and DD won't suffer for it, whatever your H says. If he makes it a condition for his seeing DD, then he's not got her interests at heart, it really is all about pandering to his MIL.

I also agree with diddl, once you have a solicitor who you are totally comfortable with, you need to tell them about everything like the waking her up to brush her teeth again, thinking she needs punishment for crying at 3 months, and that MIL beat you H with a stick and still keeps the stick, whether it is for future use or a memento and anything else you can think of that might be relevant. This isn't malicious, your H doesn't understand how children and babies are, he doesn't have a vast amount of experience of looking after your DD (as you say he's not around that much) and I think he's genuinely not ready to look after her for more than a few hours at a time, preferably supervised (not by his MIL! SHE should never be within 20 foot of your DD without supervision of someone who isn't your H or FIL).

Thanks for all your messages - Lucky I didn't think you were getting at me at all.

I'm just struggling with the enormity of it. DH will come here to see DD from now on, and no MIL. I sent him an email this morning telling him on no uncertain terms notto think he is taking DD there or bringing PILs here tonight. That he can see DD on saturday AFternoon here in her home. I said if he won't agree to that then for the time being he won't be seeing her at all. I feel horrible, but I understand that I have to keep DD safe.

I've called CAB again - first solicitor calling back in the interests of putting him out of the picture for representing DH. The woman is also emailing me a list of other solicitors in the area, inc at the top the ones who do the free 1/2 hour.

ANd thank you all for your individual posts - I haven't got the energy to reply to all in depth now, DD asleep so need to get the solicitor thing done while I have the time energy and resolve!

I have no advise. I grew up with a toxic GP. I remember what some of what she did, since I was old enough to decide if I wanted to see her, I've only seen her 3 times in over 10 years. My Dad knows his DM is bonkers, she can can still hurt my Dad, but not me, the sad old woman will die alone, I have no plans to go to her funeral. The experience meant when my MIL started I knew what to do. The day I had to say 'Well you're going to hurt me or your DM' he supported me. She's very wary of me, she knows I know her game, and I'll win. I'd rather not be playing anything though.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I guess I'm thinking that could have been me, I had the voice of experience, and distance.
The pain these people cause, my sister is like it as well, I'm sure caused in part by our GM.

I wish you all the best, go with your gut instinct and I hope you get a chance to enjoy life now

Thank you littlemiss, that's very kind of you to say.
And thank you for your offer of help. Hopefully we won't need it.

LOTN- Hope you are ok and feeling stronger by the day. x

Sorry littlemiss just seen your email address- I have saved it just incase.

Sorry for the hijack LOTN.

That he can see DD on saturday AFternoon here in her home. I said if he won't agree to that then for the time being he won't be seeing her at all. I feel horrible, but I understand that I have to keep DD safe.

I am so glad to read this. Nappies, forget your MIL for a second.

Your husband is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship, and he will become physical with your daughter if steps aren't taken.

He shouts, you said. He demands a minute description of your day to see if it matches up to standard. He leaves you to do all the childcare, all the housework and you work for pay. Whatever you say about your day isn't good enough, and he wakes your daughter up to redo things, or threatens to do so, so you're always on the back foot, desperately trying to please him. He shouts at your daughter, and has shouted at her, and threatened her with punishment, since she was a fucking newborn. His mother displays, and laughs about, a stick that her children was beaten with. His father lies through his teeth to you, to his wife, to his son. He lies to you, through his teeth. He thinks that if something is inconvenient to him, he gets to take it out on you. He would rather have "alone time" with his daughter than spend time with you, or the two of you as a family.

Nappies. Read the above. He doesn't love you. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't see you as a real person with rights and autonomy.

You are a convenience to him. You take care of the house, of the child, of part of the finances. He treats you as a domestic servant, who does the domestic work - and can be chastised if it's not up to standard - and puts out when needed, and who can be left at home when he and his family want to parade your daughter around.

Please, ditch this vile man. Stop thinking about this as "the problem is that he can't stand up to his mother". The problem is that he's an abusive asshole who thinks that you are an unpaid servant who can be punished if you don't meet his standards.

LOTN Well done on your decisions re contact for now.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell speaks a lot of sense.

This man's only redeeming features are his wife and daughter.

I'm unsurprised sadly. Years of conditioning will not change him and even if he gets to the point where he's prioritising you it will be a HUGE effort for him and put more pressure on him to satisfy his mum's demands on the side.

So sorry - I am in a similar situation (though not nearly as bad on the outside) and if you stay in this sort of situation where every single thing might have mil's stamp on it is bloody wearing for you.

If you want to be the best person and mummy you can be you need to prioritise yourself and your dd. Your dh doesn't at all prioritise your dd as a good father would never try to delegate the mummy's authority to his own mother. Fact.

Stay calm and focussed and do what your instict tells you to do. Do not tell your plans - he's lots that right. His texting his mum about you coming your senses SAYS IT ALL.