ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 6

[gettingeasier]

Cant survive 5 minutes without this thread

I read that thread, some of the replies on there were depressing indeed. Both DCs having a nap now and I'm planning on taking one myself I think

Getting I'm a size 16 now from comfort eating in my misery. I plan to do a diet when I'm in a better place, where I think I'll actually stick to it.

Waves to my fellow dumplings. Getting & Tea, great to see you both back posting on thread. Getting it was v sad reading your post. I have to jump in on two points that I disagree on. Firstly, I absolutely do not think the only way you really recover from a marriage break up is by moving on with someone else. In fact I think the opposite is true, I think most people who don't allow themselves time to grieve & recover end up in another shit relationship or it'll all go tits up again further down the road. I genuinely believe the best way through this is to allow yourself time to grieve & heal. I would actually emotionally feel ready to move on with someone else but tbh I've no real interest. I'm quite happy on my own with dc's but will just see what life has to bring. I was brought up with the catholic ethos of sex being for marriage etc & had issues about one night stands or casual sex being morally wrong. Now with a lot of counselling under my belt I realise that as long as both parties are honest with each other, are not hurting anyone else & are respectful, there is nothing wrong with having sex just for the pleasure & that it doesn't always have to be in a committed relationship etc.

A good thing might be to make a list of all the things you think you need a man for & then give those things to yourself. For example if you feel lonely or the need to be validated then get those things elsewhere. I think it's our neediness that lands us into trouble in relationships i.e. the more needy we are to have something the less likely we will attract that in our lives.

I had that period of flatness you describe but I think it has now more or less passed.

Tell your cousin to jump on board here (if you're comfortable with that) & we'll give her loads of dumpling support .

Teflon, hope your hair turns out fab

Firstly i have to ask what does IFYSWIM stand for as i cant figure it out

Secondly GETTING i relate a lot to what you said in your post and it has got me thinking my XP did try to pay me compliments and i used to get defensive and say "yeah, right" or "whatever"
i was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship when i was 15 till i was 18 and i have never been able to overcome some of the things i went through and i think that my XP just sort of gave up on me :(
XP never drank but had (and still does) a very heavy cannabis problem, was brilliant if his friends needed him but never really there for me in the end
The only place he wasnt selfish was the bedroom even up till the day before the split

It has also prompted me to think of MY failings within the relationship and it has made me quite sad, i suppose the years of me NOT dealing with my problems from my previous relationship and other troubles i have gone through in my life have probably wore him down till he just decided to stop fighting and putting the effort in, i admit at times i am hard work especially with my emotional baggage, think i may have to do some more soul searching so i dont repeat this in future relationships

Even though i shrugged off his compliments and other things i still used to get a good feeling from it and his opinion mattered and still does so much...see now im crying again lol :(

Good luck with the hair cut AB

Tea, amazingly I thought my xh had some sort of erectile dysfunction problem aswell . He used to blame the anti-d's & his age & his weight............reality of course was that he was worn out from shagging elsewhere .

Soverign, sending you hugs. My xh didn't drink either but had probs with canabis amongst other things. Tbh I think canabis abuse has a v serious impact on a person. It seems like you are blaming yourself for a lot of stuff in the relationship. Any chance you'd be able to get a bit of counselling for yourself?

At the top of the thread you can click on acronyms for an explanation but iyswim means if you see what i mean. (())

Just to share my STBXH says he is "moving on "now and its over.No going back now ladies ,he doesnt want me and i have to deal with it.Not eaten and feel just as bad as i did 10mths ago.He says he will always look after us{puke}He just thinks he can sign a chq and we will go away.I asked him how he could say all the stuff he did when he was home and he said its because he is a bastard.I know everyone on here has been thru this ,i know i have accepted it in my head along time ago ,but this is so sore now ,spoke to a rl friend and she said she would help me ,just cant believe my marriage is dead.
Getting ...lots in ur list i can relate to,thanks for writing it has helped me today.I knew it was over ,but i guess i didnt want it to be ,i guess no body wants to be ditched by the one that they love,i still love/fancy him the same as the first day i saw him and that is why he got away with it for so long ,i want to hit him very hard for a very long time guess i need to find a babysitter so i can get to kickboxing
its all about the future now i need to dry my eyes and get out there.
Candles are just a hobby Getting but v therapeutic,i think my house will be full soon Business is very small but enough to keep me going ,hope to start end of next month.
Just need to grieve for real this time .At least im not some sad bitch living in a bad marriage,been there,done that x

Well onto me......

Had family therapy solo this am as xh was a no show, surprise, surprise! Shows where he's at with regard to sorting access . Anyway, poured out the whole sorry mess out to her & she wanted to know why he hasn't been psychiatrically assessed. She suggested given xh's mental instability & current lifestyle that it would be best if he only saw dc's infrequently such as once a mt. Think this might be a step forward as think he may now be forced to either undergo psychiatric assessment or else he'll prob drop all access & I'll resume position of being the b who's stopping him from seeing dc's! Psychiatrist is going to try to get xh to turn up for a consultation on his own & said if he doesn't turn up well that in itself will obviously show where he's at. Will have to wait & see now but think one way or another I will be continuing to raise my dc's solo . Tbh I've come to terms with this over past yr & even though I'm tied down pretty much 24/7 I'm enjoying my time with dc's & aware of how precious these yrs are & want to enjoy it as much as possible.

Starting, i'm defiantely going to look into getting counselling as i have come to the conlusion that i really do need it, i seem to have an awful lot of issues, am a bit dubious as to how it will help but i want to try, maybe a psychiatrist would be better but i cant run the risk of being committed lmao
My only obstacles will be money and childcare but i'll get the ball rolling before i deal with that

I'm not blaming just myself for the breakdown of the relationship but i am realising that i DO need to take some of the resposibility, it wasnt all him, dont get me wrong it was mainly him but not exclusively and if i want to have a healthy happy relationship in the future with anyone then i need to sort myself out

Glad you had a good chat this morning Startin'
Might have organised babysitter for the kick boxing..... told my sister about divorce got a kind of "oh well "response ,she didnt know any of my story OR if she had heard gossip she had never got in touch with me ,so i will continue to surround myself with people that love and support me and distance myself from the rest of them.One really positive thing ive learnt in the last year is to look after myself and then the rest just falls into place x
Will need to post Glasvegas again.....seems the right thing to hear just now

Difficult to live with someone that is stoned Sov esp with 4 kids ,imagine if he didnt have a toke ,ur life would have been very different,all i mean is drink and/or drug addiction not great in a marriage and def doesnt mix with dcs,IME they just opt out altogether because they would rather live the life of a teenager with zero resonsibility x

responsibility

It was a typo Sov it's meant to be if you see what I mean, abbreviated to IYSWIM.

I think some of my H's problem was connected with all the porn and his warped idea of what he considered a normal sexual relationship due to this and what he considered attractive. Towards the end though it was certainly more to do with the OW for sure

Many ((hugs)) Patience, for me from Oct 09 to Mar 10 I was living in hope my H and I would work things out, even though I knew we may never get back together whilst separated I still in the back of my mind had a little hope, despite that when he finally admitted he wasn't coming back, I found it terribly hard. Glad you have some rl support. Hopefully some of that makes sense, I'm just trying to say it's always hard when you realise it's truly over. More ((hugs))

Starting - sorry that H didn't turn up, glad you were honest though about everything.

On that note my DCs have both just woken and I need to dash. Later x

((HUGS)) for you Starting and ((BIG HUGS)) for you Patience

PATIENCE - I think it's harder when it is final that they dont want you anymore when you still love/fancy them it's why im struggling so much as just 6 weeks ago i had someone who loved me, now i the only thing i have is my world blown apart :(
And i agree totally with what you say about drink/drugs, when he wasnt on them (the times he gave up) he was a completly different person, it was like a different relationship and tbh it was great and i wish i could go back to that :(

STARTING - maybe it would be for the best for him not to see the DC for a while it might force him to sort himself out once and for all and if not at least the DC dont have to see him like that, i have told XP that if he turns up and i think he's high i wont let him in, so far so good :)

Daddys Gone

Thanks Tea for your support x

I typed my message so slow I x posted with lots more message after Startings at 13:54 oops

Right, world war 3 is breaking out in the lounge. Off again.

Thats it Sov think im really proud of myself that although i have those feelings for STBXH i have not compromised myself or the dcs upbringing by allowing drink/drug abuse in my home ,i am fucking amazing TBH !And i will have sex again dont no where dont know when but i will have sex again with a great bloke that respects me !!!!

Soverign, glad you are not solely blaming yourself . Psychotherapy would prob be a good type of counselling for you as deals with past issues & patterns of behaviour that stop us reaching full potential or attract us to destructive relationships etc.

Tea, I agree, I think a lot of us hold onto the hope initially & when realisation starts to sink in that it's not going to work out it can be v v painful.

Patience, sorry your sis wasn't able to support you (()).

Patience, here, here! Three cheers for Patience, well said......

I just think instead of people saying sorry they should be congratulating me on getting rid of that useless piece of shite LOL !!!!!

Dcs will not be exposed to general misogyny,dv etc etc infact life is good ,sun is shining and dcs on the trampoline x

Actually Patience you're prob dead right . Had a v bad night last night & couldn't sleep (prob thought of dealing with xh during family therapy). Anyway, all told when I reflect on it my marriage was v good to me. I have three lovely dc's, lovely home, xh being such a twunt pushed me into having extensive therapy which has dealt with most of my underlying issues so I am now quite stable . As a bonus, xh being so impulsive & extravagent means that I had yrs of fab holls & every material thing I could possibly every want. I think I have actually reached the point when I think xh did me a huge favour by being such a twunt & I deff got better end of the deal .

You know Patience no matter what life throws at you, you have a gift to look at things positively, optimistically and in an upbeat way. It's very rare I think and shows what strength of character you have. Throws some of that my way will you as this afternoon?

Sorry lots of typos, as the DCs are clambering over me, I'm off out to those woods again...

I think my only real weakness was falling in love with a manipulative sexy bloke ... I always try and fight the "DOOM" when i can tea ,tis the devils work ,he wants us to be miserable but i wont let him ruin my life ,i am stronger than that

That's almost biblical Patience. John 10:10 The enemy comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full

Right really off now to the woods, hope it doesn't rain