ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 6

[gettingeasier]

Cant survive 5 minutes without this thread

Ok deep breaths.

If you want to know then do you think he will tell you if you ask him? Many men don't admit it. Mine didn't admit it mostly (complicated) and made me very anxious as his actions weren't consistent with his words (gaslight) and he made out that I was bonkers when in fact he was just lying. Would suggest you start a thread on it or .... I think if it were me I would try the number, get someone else to, or get some other form of evidence before discussing it with him.

I second Happy's suggestions Sov x

you could google the number sov see if anything comes up.

sending you dumpling strength. And to paraphrase what Whenwillifeelnormal says

if he is seeing someone else the worst is now over because you now know the truth and are no longer in the dark.

xxx

Morning all.

In a Little Chef thinking about you Sov. How r u doing?

Waves to all x

Morning all

Well sleepless night for me last night as it just kept playing on my mind

Feel like he's taking me for a mug and insulting my intelligence tbh

I text XP last night about 9ish to ask if he would have DC one evening so i can have a night out, 10ish text him again, nothing
This morning he text me saying he had left his phone in the kitchen and hadnt heard it BOLLOX i've seen his online bill and know he sent text messages most of the evening, in fact he sent one 10 minutes after i originally text him grr (text about night out before i found out about number)

AB, have googled the number and nothing has shown up and your right, if he is seeing someone else that will make things easier for me, as i keep feeling like i havent done everything i can to save the relationship and that it was my fault things ended and it would explain why he doesnt love me anymore (basically i would stop torturing myself) but if he's seeing someone else then i know it's not me it's him and i will be able to gather strength as i believe once you sleep with someone else then thats it, there is no going back!!

HAPPY - im going to get someone to ring the number today, if i ask him about it he will say that it's his mates number, so i need to know if the number belongs to a male or female before i ask him about it.
In my heart i know the answer, you dont text or call someone that much at those odd times, or at least i dont, i could be wrong but i feel it in my gut, have done for months

I'm more pissed now than upset mainly because he insults my intelligence and clearly doesnt respect me enough to tell me the truth and tbh im holding onto the anger to get me through the day because i have to look after the DC, they come first

hope you enjoy your little chef Happy :-D

if you think it could be the sister of the friend then get someone to phone the number and ask for her by name. if you what to know the truth then you need to get the facts because if they think you are suspicious they will cover their tracks even more ifyswim.

hope you are ok - well done for keeping such a level head.

Hugs to you Sov x

Thanks everyone, i really dont know what i'd do without you all atm

All i keep getting out of RL friends is oh he does love you, he'll be back soon full of regret, your worrying about nothing

I know they mean well but i feel like they just deflect my concerns and feelings because the cant be bothered really and just think if they say these things to me it'll make me feel better...well it doesnt and it really doesnt help that they are in happy relationships and cant relate to how im feeling

So again BIG THANK YOU :D

Hi Soverign, so sorry to hear about this but echo what's been said already that whatever the truth is you'd be better off knowing about it. Hope you manage to get your answers soon. Hope also your friends manage to step up to the mark for you now.

Hi Sov , thats awful and although yes it isgood t know the truth about what has and is going on it doesnt alter the fact it ratchets up the pain factor considerably . I have sought solace in dealing with the ow factor by remembering that I am better off without someone who doesnt love me or want to make any effort in their marriage and whether or not he is in another relationship doesnt change that. The knowledge that I am better off without him and how both of us were unhappy means I dont bear any grudge towards ow breaking up our marriage. However having said that there has often been that feeling of why does he want her and not me and also envy of the fact he has gone straight to someone.

Its a hard call about how much digging to do Sov and I know there are some strong views out there , just be ready for the emotional overwhelm if you uncover things you werent expecting.

Maybe when your friends in RL see that this isnt just a row that will blow over they will become more supportive . In the meantime sending Sov lots of dumpling power

I am going home tonight , I still find it hard going home to an empty house but hey ho. get the dc back on sunday which I am looking forward to but I havent missed them nearly as much as I anticipated.

Waves to everyone especially Happy - have a great time !

By the way chairmum the meet up is chez moi on the 25th , I really hope you will be able to come. Email me for details

Bit of a rough day here but all part of the journey ,waves to everyone x

Well ladies, I'm most definitely a dumpling now. STBXH told me by text that he didn't think we would work, and although its scary it does feel like a bit of a relief at the moment. Relate will be about sorting divorce details.

Guess i ought to tell the world now.

I'm so sorry to hear that Chairmum ((hugs)) lovely lady x

big hugs Chairmum x

Today seems to have been a rough day for a lot of dumplings ((Hugs))

Soverign, hope you're ok.

Getting, great that you've had a lovely break from dc's. Tbh much & all as I love my dc's if I had a wk away from them I wouldn't miss them at all so I wouldn't feel guilty at all. It's important to be able to switch off from dc's from time to time.

Patience sending you big hugs

Chairmum, god I'm so sorry to hear this. I'd been hoping things would work out for you. Doesn't seem right somehow that he imparted this info by text

thanks all.

Starting - it just sums him up really. He can't deal with emotions but at least he's accepted that is a problem now. He apologised for doing it by text but at least.

I'm making the most of things by making lists of what needs to be done so I've got something to focus on, but actually I'm not feeling as bad as I feel I ought. I'm not getting the early night I was planning but I think that's a small thing.

Life goes on, and goes forward. For the moment though, two children is quite enough. Now I can enjoy the situation we've built for ourselves knowing where I stand. I have a friend and a partner to bring up my children with, but I have some freedom (well as much as a newborn allows :) )

Its time to think about what I want for myself. And that's probably not a man.

Thanks for the dumpling power getting it really came in useful :o

Kept trying to ring the number all day surprise surprise no answer, so when he came to see DC i asked him outright.

Told him i had seen the bill and was he seeing someone and he said no but admitted it is his friends sisters number, says she's been crying on his shoulder but that nothing was going on and id be the first person he'd tell if he started seeing someone

Told me i could trust him that he wont be seeing anyone for a long time and wouldnt be jumping into bed with anyone just yet so i told him that after everything that had happened between us i no longer trusted him, he wasnt very happy but tough

ohh CHAIRMUM so sorry for you (((BIG HUGS))) and PATIENCE (((BIG HUGS))) for you too...we will all get through this and our lives will be better for it!!!!:o

and STARTING ive been quite ok most of the day just wish i could get off this goddamned emotional rollercoaster......always hated rollercoasters lol :o

Waves to everyone slse and wishes you all a wonderful weekend xx

Hi Chairmum, well it sounds a bit better that he apologised for doing it by text. You sound like you've a v healthy attitude about it all. It's good at least that he is so hands on with dc's & is not abandoning his parental responsibilities like so many other men in this thread.

Hi girls...

Having a rough week aren't we ...

Big big hugs chairmum... hope you are ok. Keep making the lists and all practical stuff it really really helps me

To everyone.....

Put the groundwork down now for strong future foundations.... we will thank ourselves for it.

Hair cut tomorrow..... eek

Sov. BTW I am too have been given similar lines as you re the involvement of another woman being a scandalous thought. I have given up looking now but my gut still has its suspicions. I was driving myself mad looking for stuff & in the end I had to draw a line. Not saying you should quash any suspicions you have... but as you and getting have both said if they don't want to be around they won't be around ....plain as....ow would make it hurt Sooooo much more but it would not alter the basics. Stay strong....

Teflon good luck with the haircut , sorry I missed the details but I gather its going to be radical !!

Chairmum sorry to hear your news , I can remember some of your story from old threads written before you had your baby . Maybe in an idle half hour ( I know -very funny)you could do a potted version of your situation.

I have been staying with my cousin whose marriage ended in January leaving her with 2 dd who are 3 yrs and 10mths old. She keeps coming up against the fact that she has the entire lives of her dc ahead of her . They waited until late to have dc(she is 41) and then split up , very sad.

Well I am home again feeling a bit sorry for myself . As you were saying recently Teflon I feel so flat and detached from everything. I am glad the rawness of the split seems to have gone my mini meltdown during exh and ows holiday forced out a lot of emotion and pain which was good.

While I was away with my Dad we did a lot of talking and he was saying he didnt think exh would wake up and regret what he had done and that the fact is I just didnt do it for exh anymore end of. So many people have said Oh he'll regret it its a mid life crisis hes going through etc. I have been of that opinion but spending time thinking about how many years exh was cold and spending as much of his life as possible away from me in the pub getting smashed out of his brains I know for him the ending of our marriage was a drawn out business not a rash or hasty decision.

What is frustrating is how I still find myself giving so much air space to our marriage particularly going back years. Its hard to get used to no matter how much you think about it theres nothing to be done because he doesnt love me anymore . Why is it that all the support and praise from friends and family and the self knowledge that I am a good person doesnt outweigh what one person thinks . Its like hes a little tin god in my life that I cant properly detach and escape from.

I think a lot of the problem is having been a SAHM and putting my life into being a wife and mother I am now floundering to feel like I have an identity of my own and scared that I wont be able to carve out a new one for myself. My dad also helpfully said people never really get over someone until they are with someone new which was a highly depressing thought!

Well I suppose its all part of the journey isnt it Patience . Sometimes I jokingly think Living with exh again for a week would cure a lot of my sentimentalising over my past with him. I do miss sex and his sense of humour which was very sharp but if you dont mind ladies I am going to list some of the things I dont miss in no particular order

Being patronised

Being spoken to disrespectfully and rudely

Football

Being pushed off physically because he was tired/cold/hot/comfortable

My taste in everything being belittled

Constantly talked over and interupted

Listening carefully and responding to him while he has no interest in me at all

Being told how priviliged I am not working etc when I always made clear I knew that and didnt take the piss.

His drinking , crashing through the door and getting "lost" because hes so pissed he cant find his way to the toilet

Covering up that sort of behaviour to the dc constantly making excuses "Daddys very tired"

Sitting by myself in the evening while he "pops" out for a beer listening to a whole array of reasons over a decade as to why thats perfectly ok and I must be in need of help if I think otherwise.

Spending ages getting dressed up desperate for a compliment - never happened.

Always cooking nice meals and then being told "I'll have it later when I get in" and then too pissed to bother eating it.

Never making much effort with people I met because he had his readymade social life at the pub, never wanting to be a couple.

In short spending a lot of time and energy trying to be noticed,appreciated,valued,loved and chasing after him like a stupid idiot. Which takes me back to my point why did I spend so much time coveting the good opinion of ONE person who clearly didnt love me ??

Anyway sorry about that I am not sure where that came from

LC how are things with you ? If you are away which I think you said you were have a lovely time and I hope you and xp can start to work things out.

Patience is you new business candle making ? Sorry if that sounds thick but I have only had a quick read of the thread and didnt know if all the candle talk was an in joke. I love candles and I can light them whenever I like now

Waves to Pink,Starting,Happy,Mumfun,Sov and Tea. Where are you Tea ? Cant you post in the evening when dc are in bed?

Right am off to have a stern word with self to pull self together

I'm not wise Getting, I'm a young pup at age 32. Reading your list of what you do not miss, makes me feel so sad, he didn't cherish you or treat you how he should have you deserve better Getting and are better off without him.

I have to say I do not miss the sex at all with my H, he wasn't spontaneous or adventurous, he didn't make me feel sexy or attractive in the bedroom for a long long time and I was lucky to even get it once a week, let alone the event being eventful IFYSWIM? So for me that is one thing I am sure I do not miss, he was a damp squib in the bedroom alas, especially towards the end. I actually thought he had some sort of erectile dysfunction actually due to many incidences in that department over the years. Oh bit early for this sort of talk isn't it? I also do not want to meet someone new, my H has cured me of being an incurable romantic and I do not want anyone. I personally do not need another man to help me move on. Makes me shiver just to think about another man right now. So I'm obviously an exception to the rule. The more I think about it, the less I think I ever want to be with a man ever again.

However on the upside I am very much looking forward to my OU course starting and beginning a new career and carving out a new life for myself. No reason Getting you cannot do something similar, or like Patience start up a business. You're a dumpling, anything is possible and you can do it. Believe in yourself, he's crushed your spirit, break free my dumpling friend, you are a GOOD WOMAN!

My counseling is also helping me loads and we often mention it on here, Happy, me and others, well worth doing (can't remember if you've done some already).

Anyway perhaps this is my revenge, he's unemployed with no prospects and I am making something of my life, that is gratifying for me. Perhaps this makes me sound bitter, I don't feel bitter at all and I'm always amicable to him but it does feel good to know I have a plan to move on with my life and make something of it

Right must dash, love to all the dumpling ladies x

"Spending ages getting dressed up desperate for a compliment - never happened"

getting this bit of your post made me cry - exactly the same used to happen to me. i totally understand how this feels and it is horrible - towards the end i think i could have come downstairs naked and he would not have noticed.

i remember one particular incident when i had spent quite a while getting changed into "something more comfortable" he came upstairs and looked at me and said something utterly awful to me that i think will stay with me forever.

.....i think reading your post made me recognise a few things getting.

big hug (((())))

oh and btw the irony is not lost on me that i am getting my hair cut quite short - after spending years trying to grow it when i didn't really want to because.....

h liked "long sexy hair"

i am hoping that by getting the haircut that i have wanted for years but haven't for fear of losing him any more than he was already lost to me, that it will start me off on a more independent and confident path

and of course when he sees me he will get the metaphorical "up yours!"

altogether now ladies.....

CHIN UP ..... TITS OUT.

Teflon good for you ime people who do something to change their image absolutly love it cant wait to hear later.

Oh yes I have quite a few choice memories of things exh said to me mostly connected with my weight which soared shortly after my 4oth birthday. He never seemed to ask himself why I was so unhappy that I ate and drank my way to a 5 stone weight gain. It didnt occur to him that I was lonely, neglected and emotionally a mess all he could see was me in a fat suit. What rankles particularly with that was that I stood by him , mostly without criticism ,through a 6 year spell of unemployment and alcoholism and NEVER said what a state I thought he was in. When my turn came to fall apart he could only think about how it affected him and how revolting he found me.

I agree Tea I struggle to imagine myself in a relationship again and actually it isnt what I want but I do wonder if it would help me move on(I hate that phrase)faster because I am so frustrated with being so preoccupied with my marriage . In a few weeks it will be a year since this began and having had so much unhappiness preceeding that I just want to escape from it all

SGB talks about the Noahs Ark way of thinking that you have to be part of a couple to exist and I am at least not of that mindset. However I think how nice it would be for someone to find me attractive,to laugh at something I say and for whatever reason if that person has a dick between their legs then it counts for more iyswim ?

When that guy from a few weeks ago was texting me words like gorgeous and sexy I was lapping it up even though I knew he wasnt really of interest to me and indeed I havent met up with him yet.

I look at my friends relationships and in truth only one of them seems properly happy and content . Everyone else is hanging on in various known and secret degrees of misery and compromise just like I was. I just wish I could go out and have a few laughs and casual shags thus getting my man quota without all the crap that goes with a relationship. Sadly its not in my make up.

Well done on the OU course Tea. You are perfectly right about it being possible to make a new start and luckily most of the time I do feel that way. I have done a couple of courses recently and am sorting out doing a computer course that will make me more employable and I can feel that its an adventure unfolding. On a different day though I crave the security of being married and feel that the big wide world is not somewhere I can survive that taking the "independent and confident path" as Teflon puts it is terrifying.

I read somewhere about we have to take responsibility for our own happiness and what a mistake it is to rely on someone else for self validation and happiness. Well that sums me up and is one of the reasons I am avoiding men because I know I have a well worn habit of doing exactly that. Things like the Cornwall trip are gradually building my confidence in the fact that I can do it that I will be happy and stable for myself and my lovely dc.

I am really looking forward to the meet up on the 25th , my cousin looked aghast when I told her what I was doing "What you're going to have a load of strangers from MN over?" But then she said maybe if she could get the time off as a fellow dumpling she should come too !!

I feel better now getting all that off my chest, how brilliant is this thread for being able to talk to an audience who gets what you are talking about.

I read an awful thread acouple of weeks ago on lone parents called "this isnt what I signed up for" and all the posts were soooo desperatly sad I felt REALLY depressed afterwards. However I have since thought that although we are dumplings who didnt sign up for this we are mostly an upbeat bunch

and our motto always brings a smile !