ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 6

[gettingeasier]

Cant survive 5 minutes without this thread

Ah good point AB.
Unfortunately getting a full refund is proving difficult as it seems that I am expected to pay for having used it for a while. Ive got my people onto that though. I've decided not to get another from the same shop. It's fun sometimes to shop around (sales sometimes a bit mixed also) and wait for something with some new features. Who knows what will come out for the winter season!

just name changed slightly to underline the fact that h isn't going to play me any more.

i am not going to listen to anything that spouts from his cakehole

his words will not stick to me

I can't keep up with this thread. I've now read everything from yesterday morning upwards. It's take me ages. I think truth be told, my DD is playing up more lately and my sons speech isn't progressing well due to me not spending enough time with them. I've spent since last October/ November spending vast amounts of time on mumsnet to interact with other people since my H and I separated. I also like helping other people and sympathising and commiserating. It was and is a lifeline but I now need to reprioritise and spend less time on here and more time with my children so I can bring them up to be decent well rounded adults. I have been in a dip for a while and would constantly find myself coming into my PC and refreshing to see what was going on and once I sat at my PC what was meant to be 5 minutes turned into 30 or 40 minutes whilst my children played alone. I need to spend less time on here, so from now on I'll pop by from time to time.

AB - When I said he was fooling you, what I meant by that was you said: "i can see 2 h's at the moment the man who comes round my house who is telling me he is struggling and stressed with everything and then i hear tales of his nights out and get the impression form mutual friends that maybe he is OK" I felt he pretends to you that it's all so dreadful that you're separated now but doesn't truly mean it at all. He is manipulating you whether he realises it or not. That's what I meant to say. I agree teflon is the way forward

I also agree with Starting AB when Starting said this:

"define relationship - because i am friendly with her so that is a relationship."
That just sounds like such a horrible disrespectful response to the mother of your child & to someone who was until a short time ago his partner.

I was nodding vigorously!

Chairmum - Really positive that your H wants to go to Relate with you. Hope the waiting list isn't too long. I've been up since 5.30am with my DS too

LC - Letting go is very hard. I think we can all agree with that. To be honest it was probably easier for me as my H isn't in love with me at all anymore, his heart is with the OW and he didn't pretend any different. He was relieved that I began the divorce proceedings for him and made the decision to end our marriage as he was such a wimp he couldn't be honest or decide. And he admitted he was only fond of me but in love with her. He used to give me this pitying look whenever I tried to be affectionate after separation So I miss who he used to be but I couldn't even fight to save my marriage as he didn't want to and no matter how much I missed him I knew he was never coming back. So I have closure, and had to let go, it's just very very painful. I sometimes call him still for a chat as well It just feels like friends now nothing more. I have no feelings of attraction or love for him now. I also was nodding along to Gettings comment: "LC its still early days no wonder you want to speak to xp and if its helps ease away from him more gradually why not." Agree with that sentiment as well. As long as he doesn't get the wrong idea that you want him back or that it confuses you more I can understand why you oscillated and then told him you did want him back temporarily. It's so so hard to let go. You will get there though x

Starting - hope your DS temperature is coming down now and also that your DD's ear infection gets better very soon. I cannot believe how petty your SIL is with sending the card to your H's work. No wonder you were cross.

Patience - Candle making sounds fab, look forward to the pictures. I also loved the fact you took your DCs out for the day, it sounded great. Starting was right about creating memories etc. You're a good mum. I can't relate to so much of what you say about your H. I couldn't imagine being in your shoes and think you're one strong woman.

Well I've probably missed something, sorry if I have.

Well as I said I am going to try to spend less time on mumsnet and more time with my DCs and move out of this rut I've been in. I literally had the PC on all day and popped in to it far far too often. I need to change and enjoy this time with my DCs more before school begins for them both. I will pop by though from time to time.

Ciao for now x

Hi everyone

i've been reading the threads for a few weeks now and would like to join in if thats ok, rather than go through everything here's a bit of my back story www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1017479?pagingOff=1#20857551

i really need some body who can tell me if what im feeling is normal and help me find my way through this if possible

i am finding myself agreeing with so much of what has been said over the last 2 days and would like to contribute too

Hi sov just chatting helps me sort stuff out on here,take what you need from this thread and leave the rest IYSWIM,nobody will judge you on here,post as much or as little as you like,someone usually around on here ,hope its sunny with you ,try and walk barefoot on the grass today and feel it tickle between your toes

Hi Soverign, welcome to the thread, you will get lots of support here as we've all been through similiar stuff. I've read your thread & a few things jumped out at me. Sorry if this upsets you but I'm just going to say what I think on this. Your xp sounds incredibly selfish & self centred. It sounds to me like you've more or less been a single parent anyway. I know it hurts like hell when they make no attempt to sort things out but that hurt will pass in time. A relationship/marriage has to be 50/50 to work & unfortunately we can't make anyone else put in their 50% they have to want to do that for themselves. It sounds to me like your xp can't handle the responsibility anymore & has chosen the single life.

I had similiar issues with my xh not taking the dc's. Hopefully in your case this will settle down in time & you will be able to have set times that xp minds the dc's.

I've had a lot of counselling & one thing I can say that I've learnt & seen in my own life is that young dc's will always be fine if the primary care giver is available to them emotionally & physically. You like me are lucky that your dc's are young & so will be fine once you are able to keep yourself ok in the midst of all this. Your dc's are bound to pick up on the pain & confusion in the house atm & I think it's more then normal that your ds has lashed out by wrecking house. My dc's lashed out a bit in the earlier days but are great now & rarely affected too much anymore.

The best advice I was ever given was to take care of myself. You are now the most important person in your house. If you are not ok you dc's will not be ok & visa versa. Do small things everyday to make life easier for yourself & to make yourself feel better. Could me a bath, paint your nails, read a book, meet a friend for coffee, wear nice clothes etc.

You also said that people seemed to have disappeared from your life & that you were a strong person normally whom people turned to when they had problems. I used to be like that & have found that unfortunately being like that meant that a lot of the people in my life were used to leaning on me & therefore were not able to be there for me when I needed them. I learnt a valuable lesson & am now building more equal friendships. If you are a strong person used to helping others it may mean you might have attracted weaker/selfish people who are just not able to be there for you. However it is equally true that maybe your friends are used to seeing you strong & may not realise you need support atm so try to spell it out to them & see if they can help you now. Try to use whatever support you have atm & build from that.

It will get easier & that awful pain will pass but it will be a slow journey, there's no magic wand so just take it a day at a time & try to kind to yourself.

Tea, good to hear you are looking at ways to improve your life . Don't be too hard on yourself maybe escaping into cyber space helped you to heal & that you are now ready to move forward. Have great fun with your dc's in the next while before school commences. If it's any help I usually have one activity, trip or visit etc planned each day for dc's i.e. trip to parks (we alternate visits to all local ones), beach, picnics, play dates etc.. I also do movie nights with dc's once a wk which is just a dvd & microwave popcorn & maybe a few treats. I know your dc's are slightly younger then mine but this is a huge hit with all 3 of mine. Another thing I do is give each dc a day where they get to choose what activity they would like to do for day & I call it a dd day for example. They so love this as all the focus is on them & their activity for the day & they each have their turn. 90% of the stuff I do with dc's & that they enjoy the most costs nothing but time & a bit of effort.

Chairmum, hope you've managed to have a rest.

Happy, v v frustrating that you've to pay for a defective model . Hold onto faith that in the end the scales of justice will balance in your favour.

Well ds's fever broke during the night . Unfortunately youngest dd is now running a temp but it's not as high & she's in good form. Ear infection will take a bit of time for eldest dd but she's back to good form again today...

sorry i am going to have a little rant now

sometimes the bloody judginess pants of this forum drives me nuts.

i work fifteen hours ok, never claimed a benefit in my life. have been told by CAB i need to find one more hour of work so i can claim working tax credts. my company have said no. have even offered to work for free so if tax credits people phone in, they can confirm yes i do a sixteen hour week. no not happy to do this.

have posted on employment issues basically how can i persude my work to give me an hour extra

rather charmingly, i have been told that i have a poor atttitude as i clearly want to do the minimum to get the maximum benefits.

go and have a look am i being sensitive, but i feel really upset by what has been posted.
xxxxx

Beebers, some people love having a swipe at others just to feel better about themselves. I would ignore, ignore, ignore. Of course you need to find a way to get the tax credits if at all possible. Maybe go back to whoever you spoke to in work (or their superior if it would help) & point out that if you don't get the tax credits you are not sure if financially you will be able to continue to work. Again point out that you are prepared to work extra hr for free. Not sure what you can do beyond that. However, I would not feel any guilt or allow yourself be judged for trying to do the best you can for your family atm. Some people will always judge you regardless of what you do & at the end of the day the people on that thread are strangers to you & really don't matter to you. Deep breaths & good luck with sorting it out.......

beebers, that is awful. I hope those super-smug posters never find themselves in our position. Just ignore them as they clearly have no idea. Could you increase your hours by doing occasional overtime? Not sure if that would count.

Hello. Sneaking by briefly. Beebers I've posted on your other thread. I think the responses later on were helpful, but yes you were jumped on at the beginning. I think all the recent forore (sp?) on here with benefit discussions etc recently made people misinterpret what you said, due to their own perception from previous discussions. I knew what you meant x

BB try and take no notice obviously never been in ur situation in their lives x

Ok doin Aladdin with popcorn and Sprite just back from cycle round the park.

Went to another garage feeling a bit stressed ,was served by another bloke who has previosly chatted me up {x2 incidents in 8mths ladies wa wee woo !}asked for ciggies and matches he asked me again so i repeated the matches bit,so i get home with popcorn sprite and a fecking box of matches ,nearest shop 3 and half miles away and kids settled at video.

Walked up a hill today ,all forestry tracks really beautiful then got lost and arrived back where i started but from an entirely different direction.

Waves to AB and Happy x

Oh my goodness, so much to read!!!!!!!!!

I keep reading posts and thinking....I'll reply to that in a sec, 10 mins later I can't remember what I meant to write as there's been so much more.

Also I can't remember who said what but I agree with so much of what you all say.

Do you think our twunts are all related ? Idiot inbreds.

In responce generally, IME over the last few months, there will be SO many questions that you want answers to but the answers could be so hurtful and damaging and then what ?

Plus you don't even know if they're true.

When my H left I really didn't know how to think of him. I didn't want to think of him as a *** etc as that would be so negative in my head (he's under that in my mobile though .

So I decided to just see him as a stranger as from the second he left...that's what he was to me.

Gone was the man I'd adored for so long.

He still wanted to be a part of my life, have a visiting role in the house, take the dog out etc, but live somewhere else and shag who he liked. GREEDY.

I told him to jog on.

I phoned me a few times for a chat, all friendly and free, no longer chained to the mundainities and compromise (his word) of family life. I couldn't chat, I was devastated. I coldly told him the if the roof fell in I wouldn't phone him. He was shocked. I meant it totally.

Few weeks later DS1 was attacked (I'm outing myself a bit now but I don't care)

He was in hospital with stitches etc.

Did I phone H ? of course not. Actions speak louder than words and he'd left and was happy with his descision.

DC1 didn't tell him either. My father told him a few days later.

Him and I were best best friends, always laughing, had some wonderful times, holidays, kids etc but he became greedy, cocky, smug and thought he was a big shot in the end.

I live in the hope that he will get his come uppence. Maybe he will and maybe he won't.

I kept thinking....how long do I have to wait for something horrid to happen to him ?

Kept (keep) wishing bad things on him. It will happen, something will, but it might not be for a long time.

His real come uppence is that I'm no longer in his life. He always said that I was the only person who really 'got' him.

I'm bloody wonderful and lovely and amazing,(I only realised that rescently) and he's all the poorer for not knowing me anymore and one day he'll realize that the trashy little bint he's with now is just a pathetic little girl.

AS another mnetter said on another thread to someone else "He's not worth the steam off your shit"

As well as losing me he's lost the most beautiful DSs in the world and he should hang his head in shame.

Starting, I also lost a very very good friend soon after H left. It was another massive blow but I don't regret it.

SIL has also proved herself to be a total cow and is off the Xmas list forever. Her loss too.

The only people in my life now are the ones who are %100 supportive and lovely and who I love being with and visa versa.

Quality not quantity.

Hold your heads up high, it feels at the moment that we have lost in love but the truth is that they have thown away what matters most........thier famillies, and they'll pay heavilly for that in the end.

Sad pathetic twats.

Well said Pink !
I always said me and H were incompatabile cause I AM FUCKING AMAZING AND HE'S NOT !
When i was climbing up that hill this morning i thought he is never going to get another girl like me,just seems i have my lust for life back these days x

Me too Patience.....most of the time x

Will you be able to come to meet up ?

And you Starting ? I know you're both far away.

PLEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE come.

Will be at the next one if its north of the border Pink but life is too mental ATM ,need to make some money ,sell some candles first LOL!

Pink, also agree, well said! I think the real come uppance may come in their darkest hours when they look back on the lives they've lived & the pain they caused. I do believe the reality of this will most likely hit at some point but by then we'll have well moved on.

Patience, what's the verdict on the candle making?? We did movie night here too tonight "Minzy", I'm obviously still a big child at heart as I love most of the movies we watch too . We also made rice crispie buns so that was the baking covered.........

X post. Pink, I will defo be there if at all poss. In fact I can't wait to meet my dumpling pals.

Makes me so cross Pink to hear of what your H did! Well said.

I've had trouble even saying I'm a good women he's loosing, as I've always had self esteem issues. I was never the life and soul of the party or anything like that before marriage. Just the boring dependable/ sensible one

Starting I loved your ideas for DCs earlier.
Well I had a good day. Went to the soft play with soon to be ex H today. He was helpful with them, pleasant and then left late afternoon to go home. He even watched the DCs whilst I did some housework first and I managed to stay away from mumsnet for a large chunk of the day as well. So I achieved something

I'm nervous about the meet up and rather scared about coming. Words on a screen is very different to meeting

So much chat again.

Can you believe I have tried to post twice earlier from my phone and lost it due to cr** connection - annoying!

Waves to all.

Found one good thing XH was good at today (there aren't many) - drilling. I need to learn how to drill.

TBH Tea i think all of us have cried an ocean between us and we have all been there for each other i dont think you need to be nervous ,i would pop along ....if they all look a bit odd run away again{ a bit like a blind date }
I will never forget how much support i have had from everyone on this thread at this time in my life. 2010 was the year of the dumpling for me x

Laughing rather loudly at the blind date/ running away idea Patience. I don't laugh enough nowadays. Feels good. I think I would look rather odd myself peeking in and then dashing off. Reckon Happy or Starting would dash out after me "Oi is that you Tea?"

Surely you will come to bring us the cake Tea?

Well there is a fantastic Brownie recipe a lady on my antenatal thread recommended. It is to DIE FOR! I love this brownie recipe and it is so easy to make and so so yummy