ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 6

[gettingeasier]

Cant survive 5 minutes without this thread

If I can keep it businesslike access and maintenance i will be free LC.I think he will always be the love of my life ,but this time i can see the behaviour clearer and i can see how he conned me ,just felt this time he knew exactly what he was doing when he slithered off and ive had enough TBH .Difference this time is i am protecting myself from his charm ie no phonecalls only texts re access ,i dont need to phone him .All he wanted to do as i said previously was have his cake and eat it ,but its all abuse which ever way you look at it.He chose to piss off and hang out with his mates.Most folk dont just walk out on their families they fight to save their marriage ,i guess after 16years he just thought i would always need him,HA! HA !HA!Turns out we dont need an aggressive grumpy bastard that goes drinking after work everynight.But everyone is different this is just my opinion has taken me 16yrs living with him and 8mths living apart to work it out and cut the cord x

Do you think he knowingly conned you, Patience? Did he set out to manipulate a chink in your armour? Or is he the weak one for looking for an easy life? I think my XP just takes the easy option. Easy to string me along; easy to stay at home with a comfortable life; easy to pretend nothing happened; too difficult to make a commitment to OW; too difficult to leave his son; too difficult to contemplate a complicated step family situation. And now too difficult to beg for forgiveness. Laziness, really.

Littlecritter - I don't think they necessarily do it deliberately, but I think they are drawn to women who enable their particular weaknesses. It is when they do something that makes us realise we were doing it that we break free I think :-)

See i used to think that LC but i dont think it is laziness /apathy anymore i just think its all part of his behaviour .Its just all disrespect ,he can deny it as much as he likes but again and again this entitlement comes up .Yes i do think he would laugh to himself how he was out on another nite out etc and i thought he was working or living in a remote place trying to get his head together .He knows what would make me cross just like he knows what would make me happy ,why does he tell me that he still loves me ,cause he wants to keep me hanging on,give me hope etc,but ultimately he doesnt want to make that effort to keep me.I just wanted to be included in the fun side of his life,he had that very well seperated .Friends and pub 2010... wife and kids ,somewhere in the fecking 1950's.I think all men con their women i think all men lie to their women.Mouth moving still lying kind of thing .Its how bad/selfish this behaviour becomes IME especially after kids that depends on whether a marriage will last.Just imagine if you had had the emotional affair lc and were found out even if you were the laziest lazy person in lazytown you would still manage to do what it takes to show respect to your partner.Or would you use the charm manipulation route and not try and put your partners mind at rest by answering his questions honestly.As long as my H knew i still fancied him/loved him he still tried to manipulate me and put minimum effort into the relationship.But this is only my experience LC you have to make your own mind up this is but an internet web page and everyone here has real lives and real families but these are my thoughts.

So if a woman repeatedly tells her partner that his behaviour is making her sad upset etc ,surely it is deliberate if they continue to do it.I NEVER told my husband he coulnt go to the pub ,i just said not everynite.Imagine with newborn and 15mth old ,ur H doesnt appear home til 7pm cause he was out with his mates having a laff.I would calmly say to H it would be nice if he came straight home to help with dcs.So if he goes out to pub the next night IMO it is deliberate.Just an example in my life but why let them all off the hook ?I knew he was being a selfish bastard but what were my options.Eventually we broke up because i realised this was how it was going to be for the rest of my life and my kids lives .He could have made an effort to change at any point.

mmm but those thoughts are so relevant to me right now. In real life I don't know anyone going through this right now. I'm floundering and looking to others to try to help me make sense of what is happening to me. That is why this thread is so helpful. More tahn helpful, it's a lifeline.

x post re thoughts.

You are better off without him , Patience. I can see that. Why can't I see that I am better off without my XP. Why do I think he is not really all that bad, that he'll come to his senses soon?

Thing is LC i knew all of the above b4 the reconcilliation.That gave me some control.But there was one phonecall my H agreed with all of the above so that is why i am zero tolerant ,no excuses kind of girl now.Also found out a lot more in the x2 weeks he was home ,he had to be transparent when we talked if he wanted to try and regain my trust.I know why H had behaviour patterns like he did but he could have got help to sort it OR had another nite out IYSWIM.Tis tuff LC.I know people reading this will have judged me etc thru every step i have made and posted on here but they dont know him the way i do {I heard another groan there LOL}ie 16yrs is along bloody time and 2 dcs invoved.But in the end i dont think its LAZINESS that makes them that way i think its GREED .

xp ATM LC I think its because you love him ,simple as that and i will NEVER judge you for that,and all i am saying to you is be aware that he knows he has that power over you ,take care of yourself ,they all bloody know it ,its the way the world goes round ,can you imagine if it was the other way round .

Heeellloooo ladies!

I've been out all day, will catch up tomorrow but I did see Chairmum posted. Hello lovely. Weston Super Mare is lovely. Carter's Steam fair is there at the moment which my DD loves! Hope you had fun. Cannot believe your gorgeous girl is 8 weeks already!!!!

I need to sleep but tomorrow morning I shall read through everything properely x

Patience - I agree about the power thing. Things changed when I realised I wasn't sure if I loved H or not. I don't think he was using the knowledge I wanted him back deliberately, but knowing that I wanted what only he could decide to give must have influenced him, if only to make him feel more trapped and guilty - which certainly affected his behaviour. Taking that away freed us bothto think about what we really wanted.

Yes ,when we split the threat of H leaving wasnt there anymore ,so although i was distraught ,he couldnt use that to threaten me anymore when i complained about how he was treating me.All he really had left was he knew i missed him,fancied him,loved him,all very useful if you want to try and control someone.

Oh yes, XP is greedy, very greedy. And why not? Who would turn down a nice, comfortable life with a gorgeous ds AND an OW on the side if you can get away with it. Mr Greedy personified. You all talk so much more sense than anyone else. XP says nothing at all, just waits for me to crumble. He'll get his come-uppance, surely?

Patience, yes I will keep reminding myself that he knows I love him and that gives him too much powe. Also, was it you who imparted the advice: do not seek solace in the arms of the one who betrayed you? That is my biggest downfall. So many of the people who I would normally turn to for support are not there (parents both dead) and he was/is still my best friend. When I feel low I turn to him and expose my weaknesses.

Oh God Aye!
{translation Oh Lordy Yes he will get his come uppance}
He will be another one wondering where his life went LC ,he wants to make that effort now b4 he loses you.But he may already have lost you because of his lies and manipulation.My H said to me around about May 2010 ,"Youve got all empowered "LOL .I think he honestly thought he would waltz back in whenever chose to .Silly boy.!
Chin up Tits out !

Wasnt me LC re solace ,but i am in same position re best friend etc,been a lot of troubles in both our lives so" damaged " b4 we met.Think that is what hurt me the most the fact he was having his funtimes with others after all that we had shared ,NEVER thought this would have been me LC NEVER.we were thick as thieves ,dead funny together ,same interests dogs ,walking and trees LOL!JUst all changed when we had kids ,started drinking with a bunch of misogynistic bastards .His loss .Anyway come up and see me for a holiday LOL ds will love it {ok i dont know if he will that may be an exaggeration ,but plenty of water hills rain and midges LOL!}

Loving the chat between Patience & LC & find myself nodding in agreement with lots of stuff.

Chairmum, "I don't think they necessarily do it deliberately, but I think they are drawn to women who enable their particular weaknesses." This unfortunately sums it up for me!!!!!!!!

XH - Selfish
ME - Too considerate of others
XH - Completely Self Centered
ME - Too focused on pleasing others
XH - Needy
ME - Too Independant
XH - Major Anger Issues
ME - Run a mile from whiff of confrontation
XH - Lazy Bastard
ME - Did WAY WAY TOO MUCH ALL THE TIME

Anyway, thanks everyone for agreeing SIL was bang out of order. Another xmas present to strike off list .

LC, I'm like you in that MIL (who I was v close to) died 9mts ago & then my aunt & brother (that I was equally v close to) died. Xh's behaviour turned out to be worse than my worst nightmare. My best friend choose that time to dump me because I went on a date with a friend of her h's . All xh's family have disappeared from planet. My relationship with step d & step s has really been badly affected. Lost loads of friends over marriage break up. I went from having a v v full life with loads of supposed friends to basically being left with me & dc's. However despite how painful it can be at times the reality is that I've lost nothing as really people who can't stand by you in times of crisis are not worth having in your life.

Anyway, poor ds has been burning up with temp of 103. Am monitoring him now to see if I have to whisk him off to Dr's. Dd has an ear infection which then made her emotional & so I had to deal with tears about xh & does he miss them & why he doesn't contact them etc.........

Thankfully I

Goin to boil some water and make a candle v xciting ,melting wax in bean tin ,cut my hand earlier when washing it ,so already turned into a high risk hobby x

Have no idea how the "Thankfully I" got into end of my post.............However if I was to fill it in I'd say.......Thankfully I am a Dumpling & am doing F Great .

OMG Patience that is amazing. I'd been reading all the posts while I was away to catch up & earlier I came to the candle making link & was equally v excited about the whole prospect of making candles......... I was asking dd before bed if she'd like to make them with me as she loves all things arty but I guess she was thinking of my baking abilities & just looked at me as if I'd two heads............. Am dying to hear how it goes.

Had visions of being this ZEN serene type creature making my own candles in kitchen & proudly distributing them as gifts at xmas................ I will of course prob end up shelling out 100's of £££ only to dump lot in attic as yet another insane idea...........

OK in the beginning of a relationship I understand neither partner may be aware of their pattern of behaviour ,but if they know their behaviour is upsetting their other half and they continue to do it eg the example i gave or re lcs partner not willing to cut all contact with ow when it would give lc peace and a feeling of respect ,then to me that is deliberate.
ps Nodding back at lots on your list
Hope ds ok soon,my ds found pic of hid dad 2 day and put it next to his bed ,

OK doin wick bits ,kitchen a bit whiffy went for lots on the fragrance oil meant to be heather but smells like granny perfume just now ,will report back x

I wish our respective twunts were made to watch a video of all this stuff that they have caused with their dc's i.e. your poor ds with the photo (I get that regularly aswell), the tears, the sadness of being the only one without a daddy at some school event etc......

BTW Patience I meant to say that I really think you are a brill mum to have done what you did today with dc's. I love doing this type of stuff with dc's, it's stuff like what you did today that is going to give our dc's great childhood memories. Well done my dumpling friend .

Will be waiting with baited breath about candles. Still have link open & reading up on it.........

Chin up, tits out and goodnight. Over and out. Sleep well.

Well i dont know about zen type creature startin but i have one votive and a tin half full with wicks in sat next to jar of peanut butter and a bag of new york bagels with an orange sticker on it saying was 67p now 17p,also straightening irons,lunch bags and sun cream x