I think its himself he's fooling AB .He has 2 lives and he likes the single one too much to give it up for the family so they blame us in the marriage but its not us ,that is just to ease his guilt,I found WWIFN explanations of how a man detatches at the beginning of an affair very insightful.This is exactly the life my H lived since we had kids he came home everynite at 7pm after 2hrs in the pub ,his thrill was spending time with younger folk being free and having the "no responsibilities feelings".Was never in a pub b4 we had kids ,just chose to spend his time with me.His friends were all younger at the pub ,I think it awoke an "excitement "that he thought he was missing once kids came along or the "this is it for the rest of my days panic",but the "friends " now are mostly older and divorced ,the ones Happy mentioned sat scratching their heads at the side of the road wondering where they went wrong,cos its not ever "their"fault.Although the odds were always stacked against us with reconcilliation ,when a man you"lost " mentally reappears even briefly and tells you everything you have witnessed ie all of the above,was a mistake ,he shows heartfelt pain on losing his family and wants his old life back ,it just shows me he is completely aware of what he was doing to me ,it is all manipulation .He manipulates because he had power over me because I "loved "him.He abuses my love and all the power that gives him.This time i see that i have been manipulated ,conned whatever you want to call it ,reconcilliation would only have worked if he could come back into a house he controlled,and he would have tried IMO to combine both lifestyles again ,hanging out with young single folk after work and have me at home doing all the domestics .I think the whole behaviour pattern stems from low self esteem,self confidence and this bloody male sense of entitlement.Good luck AB just protect yourself .I dont think its complicated the situation these men are in it is just temptation ,they could stay with us and work things out to improve their home life .But they are chasing a superficial happiness and think NOTHING of the consequences for their family.My H is v angry now i would imagine that i have him sussed and he has lost control of me.I still weep for him,but I cant accept second best ,i will always be true to me now,even if i am single for the rest of my life.I have to accept now he will be with a new partner soon and more kids will prob be born.I have to accept he broke my heart ,he dumped me .Now he will be getting advice from all the other divorced guys in his circle.The easiest step for him to take now is to turn me into "evil psycho bitch"He will lie about me taking his kids away etc ,HE will be the VICTIM.Again this will be easy for him because it will justify why he HAD to leave,and he will have an audience of nodding dogs.
So my plan is CALM,DIGNIFIED,SERENE and BEAUTIFUL .
These are our feminine super powers.
Take care AB enjoy your writing ,look after yourself .My STBXH 's emotional immaturity still astounds me ,everytime he appears there is an incident,every phone call brings hurt.This after having my old H back for a fortnight in July ,kind ,considerate ,helpful.His war is with himself not me ,so i have to protect me and DCs and plan for our future ,thats the best I can do.