Hi LC you sound a lot calmer .I agree that unless your H gives your marriage the utmost respect it deserves then it is very difficult to start reconcilliation.
What always surprises me through this is the "narcissist "tendencies a lot of these blokes have ,their massive sense of entitlement,in their minds they can justify their actions and as WWIFN says believe their own lies ,mine certainly did ,in hindsight it is easy why i would get confused ,when he seems to be progressing he just actually changes the liesThe only way i ever found out was by pestering someone i knew would know and eventually he got fed up with me calling him a bastard .He told me enough that i knew H had 2 seperate lives going on.The sudden rage is also a "narcissistic"rage ....when they flip it in a "how could they possibly be wrong they are always right "kinda way.Again massive ego.But very low self esteem.Very needy but not able to reciprocate the love they are shown by their woman,but can be very loving to their kids{but still walk out on them to find their OWN happiness}.
I think you CAN forgive WWIFN when they are still lying but NOT start reconcilliation.If not poor LC has this burden forever if he never chooses to fess up completely,but forgiveness is when you are ready LC and you can put this episode in a jar shut the lid and not bring it down again,when you forgive someone it cant be used against them in the future.But you need to work thru the anger and bitterness re the consequences of his behaviour IME again step by step when you're ready.Regaining trust however is a different subject altogether.
Re baby sitting i just think like my own H ,this is all just a part of their behaviour,the poor me ,victim thing its not that they dont want to be with the kids ,they just choose not to do the stress ,dull bits ...they want to do it all their way ,with mine it was go to pub after work... home after 7pm... kids for half an hour ...then kids go to bed.What was my problem?he still doesnt think going out to the pub everynite{never took me out EVER!} after work for the past 5 years was selfish ,hes been out at work all day,dont i know that by now .My H still doesnt think he walked out on us,he can still blame me for the situation becoming untenable.I can say all i like about his drinking etc turning me into a bitter resentful worn down shouty bitch.He just sees that as my personality ,nothing to do with him.Nowadays i am a contented,confident,empowered,positive, forward thinking woman.That is why i attempted reconcilliation ,it was on my terms ,my boundaries ,he didnt like it he left.He has lost control of me and i didnt realise how important this was to him,i didnt think i was controlled when i lived with him,now i realise how he justified getting his own way about everything.When you arent as reliant on them i dont think you feed their ego as much .I think that is why i was upset Tea at your suggestion of him being an alcoholic being the problem,i would have more sympathy and compassion for him if he did sit and drink booze and had an addiction.No ,this is controlled selfish bastard behaviour. I think that is the addiction ...the booze was just to numb the guilt in the early months.No he is just enjoying nites out again with no ties,fishing, golf, pub.Then fits kids in on a Sunday,I suppose last Friday i was looking for support. sold something dear to me ,changing jobs, looking at new house etc,so he slithers off{alarm bells ringing inside his head ,could get a bit heavy, wife needs support!!} doesnt answer phone and it was a bank holiday weekend so prob had been invited out,but this lifestyle wont last then he will be back at my door bringing more head fuckery .Yep we've had the tears when he leaves"Do you know how it feels,ive lost everything"Yeah Yeah ,just goes over my head now.I didnt force him to lie his fucking head off
Waves to everyone,hope Getting and Startin are chillin'