Struggling to accept DP sisters will not accept our dd

[MCDL]

DD now 4.2, although after some time dd is now accepted by Grandmother and brothers, sisters continue to want to have nothing to do with her. They are close to DP children 18 and 23, who also continue to dis own her. Finding it difficult to accept this. Feel if they took the lead, dp's children would follow. Feel they using dp's children as an excuse to continue this ridiculous behaviour .... Any advice ....

Your dps children are adults. Your dp's sisters are adults. If adults choose not to have anything to do with a child then a) there is NOTHING you can do about that and b) I would be quite happy not associating with any such adults.

You cannot fix people or make everything ok just because you wish it were so. If they want to know their sister/niece then just keep the door always open but otherwise you have to ac ept that this family just doesn't function in the way you wished it did.

Thank u for this... it is most difficult though to accept, I am struggling with it ...

If I remember rightly from your other posts on this topic MCDL, your DPs family have always struggled to accept your DD. Rightly or wrongly, whether it be for religious reasons or because they simply haven't gotten over the fact your relationship with DP began as an affair, there are obviously still some who are struggling to accept the situation.

I'm sure it's heartbreaking for you to see your DD being overlooked like this. Obviously NONE of this is her fault. Sadly though, in situations such as these it's often the way it works out.

As Northern says above, I don't think there's anything you can do to change the way these people are behaving. YOU might think it's ridiculous, they obviously feel otherwise. Your DPs older children may legally be adults, but they are still your DPs children and are no doubt struggling with all kinds of confusing feelings as a result of the breakdown of their parents' relationship. Your DPs sisters probably feel protective of their niece/nephew and possibly also loyalty towards their ex-Sis in law? A messy situation all round. And difficult for all involved. I might be reading you wrong, but it does sound rather like you wish everyone else would just get over it now because it's upsetting (and inconvenient) for you. Trouble is, they obviously have their own upset to get over (breakdown of parents'/brother's marriage). And rightly or wrongly, they might feel like you were a big part of that.

Agree with Northern's advice to get on with your own lives whilst keeping the door open to future reconciliations (if that is what you want). I don't see that there's anything else you can do.

Not inconvenient but very upset and hurt with all of this. It is causing me a lot of pain, but trying to accept and finding it very difficult ....

No loyalty to ex sis in law ... She is alone and has lost the respect of her children. Her family and DP's family ... Feel sometimes dd and I would be better off on our own but DP and I love each other. It is a very difficult situation, one that I see will never end ...

Ok, so if your Dp's children and sisters have no loyalty/respect towards your Dp's ex, why do you think they are finding your DD so difficult to accept? Have they given you any indication what exactly their problem is then?

The situation certainly does sound difficult. And sadly you could be right about it never ending. Problems like this in some families are never entirely healed, even with the passing of time. You might just need to find a way that enables you to cope/live with the status quo. That's about all you really have control over.

Their problem is loyalty to DP's children which is what I am finding difficult to accept. It is of benefit to nobody, not dp children, not dp or not themselves.

One of the sisters is a school teacher, she has a 6 year old daughter (dd cousin) she is teaching in the school we all went too. A good friend of mine is the principle, we wanted to send dd there but we are unable to.

I wouldn't forgive the woman my Dad left my mum for, and I sure as hell wouldn't have anything to do with any DC they had.

I'd be disappointed if my aunties felt they could, knowing what my mum went through.

There, sorry, but you are just going to have to deal with it. Your daughter will have to deal with it and also the WHY.

Just because you want it all roses around the door and floaty clouds doesn't mean it will be. When a marriage is split up like that, there is unavoidably a price to pay.

Sorry if you think that's harsh, but it is the way it is...

I think that's what was said to you the last time you raised this...

Yes LittleMissHissyFit, point taken and honesty appreciated, but who does this benefit ....

I'm guessing it benefits them, if it didn't they wouldn't be ignoring your DD. Not been in this situation so not sure how I'd feel but I'm guessing they think any downsides to ignoring your DD are outweighed by the benefits, ie; it makes them feel better.

Surely there can be no benefits to a grown adult dis owning their own niece ... We are going to a festival this afternoon, we will probably meet both sisters. It is all just most difficult and I see it as no benefit and not constructive for the three children involved ....

They must feel that they can't cope with acknowledging her. So thats the benefit.

There is probably also an element of wanting to punish you. They'll know it upsets you. Do they acknowledge you?

I thought there was only 1 child not 3?

Maybe you see no benefit but they clearly do.

I'm afraid you can't MAKE people get over events that have obviously caused an awful lot of pain (as per your other threads) to suit your own timetable. It's hurting you because the consequence for your and your dp's actions are impacting upon your child, just as it as hurt them, when your actions hurt children (at the time) that they love. They may all come to a relationship with your dd, in their own time, possibly when she is old enough that they can have a relationship with her that doesn't involve interaction with you. I'm sure it must be very difficult for everybody involved.

Sripeyknickers has a good point - Do they acknowledge you? It would be very difficult to make a your DD feel part of the family while continuing to be hostile towards you. It's probably easier for them to see you as a unit.

I'm sorry, this situation must be very difficult for you, but I can't see that there is much you can do.

It's not about gaining or losing, it's just about feeling. They are hurt by your actions and attempting a relationship with your children will only exacerbate that.

why does it matter so much to you?
I would not take littlemisshissyfit's viewpoint but you can't control how others think/react.

I am curious littlemisshissyfit if you dont mind me asking, why do you not forgive the woman our dad left your mum for? Genuinely curious. I presume he was unhappy with your mum, or maybe no? Is he happy now?

I actally do agree with misshissyfit

why should the grown children accept the 'other woman' and her child.. they will see you as a destructive force and a negative influnce

i doubt their first thought would be, well, mum must hvae been a nightmare, poor dad, good on him for cheating on mum, breaking up the marrige and having another child

try to rise above it , i doubt you can change this any time soon

The children and the sister feel the way they do, you can't change that, you can only change how you feel about it.

I've not spoken to my father for years, he left for another woman. He then left her and is with someone else and has a child with her.

Whilst I have no issue with the 2nd woman he is with, I also have no desire or urge to be in contact with my 1/2 sister, or her mother, it would mean having contact with someone whose actions and attitude were abhorrent. (my father)

Perhaps when she is older and if she wants contact with me, we will have a relationship, but I really feel no attachment or need to know her. That's without having an axe to grind with her mother.

Does that make me horrible? I don't know, I can't help how I feel. As it is the issue has never come up anyway, as I am not in contact with my father, though my brother is.

And as for forgiving my father and woman he left my mother for, I don't think I will.

I'm generally a happy go lucky person, but I would not choose to have people who behaved as they did as friends, and my feelings won't change just because my father is "family".

My feeling is that if he was so "unhappy" with my mother he should have ended the relationship before starting another....what he did was awful and unforgiveable, just because it happens a lot does not make it ok.

So again, really you need to accept that they feel the way the do, and move on for your daughters sake.

Thank u for ur posts. DP's children have a relationship based on money and taxi service. He gives them a lot of spending money whenever they ask, and is taxi service to them at the drop of a hat. I have insisted they are a priority over dd. They are aware of this.

They are on my private health insurance from work and are aware of this. I do for them as best I can and they are happy to take it. I suppose it is important to me for them to have a relationship with dd as it would improve a relationship for them with their father. All i can do is try to accept and leave the door open for whenever there is changes in attitudes ...

DP is gone away for the week this morning, it will give me time to detach from this. I am looking forward to the week alone with dd ....

My (step)Dad left my Mum for another woman after 22 years of marriage. I have yet to properly forgive him and have refused to meet her. I can see it from thier point of view.

However if they did have children together I would like to think I wouldnt take it out on a child who has no bearing on the situation, but it would e very difficult to remove the feelings surrounding it all.

Given that at least one of your DPs children was a child ie: no older than 13/14 or so when he left them for you, I can quite understand why they want nothing to do with their half sister. In their eyes, rightly or wrongly, their dad abandoned them in favour of his youngest child. You feel hurt that they won't acknowledge your daughter. how do you think they feel to always have in their heads that their dad preferred your dd to them? because, that is what they will have felt at that age. And you and your DP have to live with it I am afraid. As for their relationship with their dad being based on money and him being a taxi service, that tends to go with the territory when you have teenagers or young adults for children. It doesn't make them any worse, or different than most other sons or daughters of a similar age.

Regardless of the ins and outs of their father's relationship with their mother, you really cannot expect them to roll over and accept your dd because it now suits you.

As for your DPs sisters, they are also entitled to their opinions and do not have to accept or acknowledge your DD just because you want them to, or because you want her to attend a particular school.

not easy is it? I'm sorry for your dd but I suppose we sometimes just have to live withthe consequences of our actions and this affects not just you but your dc in this situation.

I don't think they are going to "come round" to you and therefore your dc. Perhaps you need to have less contact personally if this is so upsetting for you. Of course it is upsetting for you if people don't want to know your dc. Maybe if dh visits his family with her and you are not there , that might eventually change, I don't know. I think you will have to give up on them liking you though by the sounds of things and try to move away from that wish. Put it behind you and calmly try to move on from it.