Struggling to accept DP sisters will not accept our dd

[MCDL]

DD now 4.2, although after some time dd is now accepted by Grandmother and brothers, sisters continue to want to have nothing to do with her. They are close to DP children 18 and 23, who also continue to dis own her. Finding it difficult to accept this. Feel if they took the lead, dp's children would follow. Feel they using dp's children as an excuse to continue this ridiculous behaviour .... Any advice ....

I also think your dd could still go to the school you and dh attended even if one of the aunts teaches there. Why not? The aunt will not treat her as a realtive presumably but she can still attend the school surely and if the head is your friend, you could probably ensure that your dd is not taught by her aunt if that is going to be a big issue.

Your post ZZZenAgain is most helpful and most understanding, but yes dp daughter lives with Grandmother, also dp sister with her 6 year old daughter so it is most difficult for grandmother. Grandmother and I speak on occasion, she is very kind to me ...

Dd is very perceptive and wise and starting to show signs that this confusion is affecting her.

it really isn't easy, is it? Can you invite the grandmother over for a meal on a regular day, dh picks her up and drops her back home?

Aunts daughter who is dd cousin also goes to school there. We felt it was better to keep dd and her little cousin seperate from this as they have met a few times and would have become friends. We have enrolled her in a different school ... Four of dd creche buddies are going there with her.

It is difficult she is elderly but in very good health. She does not want to fall out with aunts as they are very good to her ...

are you sure it is worth pursuing things with this family? Can't help feeling it might be best just to draw a line under it all and leave it behind you.

Realise this is more difficult for dh since it is the family he grew up with and his children.

Very difficult. Don't envy you fixing that set-up.

It is not worth persuing things with this family. A line needs to be drawn but dp is part of this family and wants his dd to be a part of it too .... If he is asked to choose. His children will loose him ... If aunts cared as they say they do about his children they would not let this happen ....

looks like that is what is going to happen then. Will still be messy I supsect

Yes I see it as no benefit to anybody only more pain for all involved ... Thanks ZZZ for your understanding and insight on the difficulty of this ...

Most women in my situation would be happy to have their dp disconnected from his family and children. I am not ... but I will need to stop encouraging.

Is your dh divorced, do you live in a small town?

my dh's family also don't bother with our dds (or us much)

dh and his first wife split up long before I met dh - he has two children form this marriage.

dh's brothers both see my stepchildren (who I get on well with, and who love their younger sisters) as somehow "more" related ot them than my (and dh's) dds. His older brother has not even bothered to meet the dds (they are 6 and 3), and the younger brother has said it was "inappropriate" for dh to have more children.

dh's parents are also not that bothered - they struggle with dd1's disability (as, I suspect, do his brothers).

It is very hard to see your children ignored year after year, and equally hard to try to help dh through it.

he is increasingly fed up with his family's games, but at the same time, they are his family.

we were recently not invited to his brother's 50th birthday party, while dh's ex was invited. dh was, quite rightly, very upset by this.

the whole thing is, for him, turning into him having to choose between his family and us (me and the dds), without there being any reason for him to have to make this choice...

When this happens and I do hope it does not. DP's children will not have the financial support that they have had knowingly from me. Holidays, inter railing around europe for the summer, extra's, etc. This money has been funded by an investment I made into a small business of which the profits go into the pool and to dp children.

No I don't expect you would choose to continuepaying for their holidays if they firmly close the door on you, dh and dd.

I suppose it is possible to reel people in with money but you won't make them like/love your dd. If they are around in the same room as your dd and making it quite plain to her that they cannot stand her, how would that be better than now?

well good luck sorting out something you and dh can live with anyway. Sounds like a dead-end really

Silverfrog thank u for ur post, recently dp was invited to brothers 50th birthday. dp ex was not invited and is not invited to any of these gigs ... dp was asked not to bring dd as his children would be there. He went with my encouragement. If things are to go the way it seems they will, dp will not go again without dd ....

"the whole thing is, for him, turning into him having to choose between his family and us (me and the dds), without there being any reason for him to have to make this choice... " not benefit to anybody only years of pain ....

Thanks .... We will need it.

ZZZ, dh is not divorced, ex will not legally seperate, agree to anything, or divorce. We live in a fairly small town but last year moved out of the town to a lovely country home in a small village. We work, shop, creche, school etc in town ...

A legal seperation or divorce will mean a very messy legal battle through the courts of which there will be no winners only barristers and solicitors. We have been holding off on this in the hope that ex would move on, she has not ... This will have to happen soon ...

had a feeling it might be like that. You can't give it all more time?

hard for dp's children to acknowledge a dd born to you and dp whilst he is still married to their mother IYSWIM

and in a smallish place where people know each other. Difficult for them. Also if their mother is refusing to divorce, she would not be thrilled about them visiting you and your dd, she would see it as them being disloyal I presume

Can't see how that can all be turned round tbh but have no experience of this type of situation personally. They say, don't they, that time is a great healer and really very little time has passed and they are still married etc

dp's children I expect also have dealings with their mother's family, not just their father's family. It might not go down well with their maternal grandmother, aunts, uncles if they were visiting you.

MCDL - I agree that there can only be pain if dh chooses, but his view is that he is getting hurt now too.

I have not, and will not, ever ask him to choose - that is not for me to do. I have said that I would not be happy to have his family stay in our house (not meaning dh's children by this - they stay regularly). Imo, if they cannot be bothered to accept me (dh and I have been married for 8 years now), then I do not feel obliged to host them when they feel like inviting themselves.

However, I would be happy for dh to continue his relationship with them. he finds it difficult, though (and again, his children are not included in this) as he is not happy to go along ot stuff without us as well, especialy when his ex has been invited along (no problems with his ex being invited - they can invite who they like - but it feels to him as though the family really are trying to airbrush me and the dds out of the equation)

Dp's children do have a good relationship with their mothers family. (also from same town we all grew up in ) They feel no hard feelings toward dp or me or dd ... they are happy to see dp been a good father to their niece/nephew/grandchildren .... They do not speak to their sister/daughter, they have tried but she is drinking very heavily and does not want any help ....

DP children are aware how difficult their mother is been and that a messy divorce through the courts is not the way forward ... They feel it would finish her. This is why we have held off ...Also there are huge Legal fees which we have not had but tightening up spending for dp children means we can soon have it ....

so you will be tightening up on spending on dp's children if they don't do as he says, so you will have the legal fees and that will finish her off?

you sure this is what the wise woman would do?