Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

[MabelMay]

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

I came back to this thread to see how OP was doing

I thought of adding more, particularly about how unfairly the power balance is in her current relationship wrt finances and emotional support and then realised sassysusan had it covered

much food for though for you here, mabel

Sassysusan - I guess that's what I was hoping to discover - and that's why I posted the original question about having an affair - how can I know what it is yet, without taking it further? Or do I ignore these feelings altogether and let the opportunity pass me by? I don't know. Right now I'm sitting adrift in my canoe with no idea which direction to row in (oh i love metaphors! if only i were any good at them)

Without giving away any specific details (paranoia about revealing my RL identity) it would be pretty much impossible for me to follow OM when he leaves the country (although - believe me - I've already fantasised about how we might make it happen). It would mean taking the kids away from my DP and I would never, ever do that to him or to them. This is the truth really: I don't want to break up my family. But I'm finding it so hard to stop thinking about OM and to stop wanting to be with him.

What's good about posting on here is that it stops me emailing or texting OM - and that's been a really good thing. So far I've not acted on any of my impulses to pick up the phone. I think I'm doing quite well, although many of you probably think I'm totally pathetic. I guess I'm also feeling quite pathetic too. That's what a crush does to you I suppose.

Breton thanks again for more helpful thoughts. FYI, if you're remotely interested, I'm 34. DP is not my first long-term partner. I had quite a few boyfriends in my 20s but never went beyond 18 months/2 year mark. I met DP when I was 27.

Sorry. I hope this post/thread isn't turning into the ultimate naval-gaze. It helps to come on here every now and then and write down what I'm thinking/feeling. It really does clarify a few things in my mixed up head.

Mabel - this whole thread is about the fact your fella is a prick, repeatedly, to you.

Life is short/regret the things you do not the things you don't do etc etc...

Do you think maybe the OM could be in love with you? Like proper nice fluffy girly bows and horses stuff?

Coolfonz - I think the OM feels pretty much the same as I do. Overwhelming physical attraction which - potentially - could turn into something deeper and more meaningful.
But like I said above, ultimately I don't want to break my young family up - so what I hoped - against all common sense and against pretty much every bit of advice I've been given - is that I could just enjoy him (OM)whilst he was here. Without DP ever finding out. Sick/selfish/stupid - all three probably.
I also figured it would give me a fresh outlook on my relationship with my DP: either giving me the courage to confront the MASSIVE problems in our relationship and his treatment of me - or the courage to leave him, if he really isn't going to change.

What I feel now though - having gone through a bit of Mumsnet therapy, is that I need to give my DP a chance to change things - either as the result of us having had a proper talk about the state of our relationship or through some kind of couples therapy - before I think about risking it all on OM.
If I see the OM again in the flesh tho', all rational thought will go out the window I fear...

Also wanted to say something to marantha. I agree with what you're saying. I know that some men are probably v. reluctant to get married for financial reasons. It's just a shock to me to think that it applies in my own personal situation and that it's what has motivated DPs reluctance to get married. I can slightly, not entirely, accept emotional reasons for not wanting to marry me. But the thought that he is trying to protect "his" money, whilst actively depriving me of my security and the commitment I desire(d) seems so much colder - and more controlling - and shocking to me because I hadn't ever looked at his motivations in that light. but the more I think about it, the more I wonder whether this is the real reason he hasn't wanted us to get married...
It's deeply hurtful.

sugarmousepink - God - a freakily similar experience. Thanks so much for posting. It's depressing (because it makes me feel like me and DP are doomed) but its really interesting and helpful to read.
I guess the difference between my experience and yours is that I now have two kids with my DP. It changes everything, doesn't it?

MabelMay Just to be clear, I am not saying that's what's happening with your dp, JUST, that it's a possibility.
Marriage is a financial/legal thing to a lot of people. Me included!
I don't see why you have to marry to love someone.

MabelMay My last post was a bit vague.
What I MEAN is that because I don't see why people have to be married to love one another/be committed, I tend to see marriage for what (my opinion) I believe it to be when all is said and done- a piece of paper that proves that a couple made a pact to have a life together.
Now your dp is reluctant to marry, isn't he?
Why? Well, people like me think, "He doesn't want to commit on paper because if it's not on paper, any promises of commitment are just her word against his. Therefore, he can wriggle out of the relationship scot-free".
You can't just wriggle out of marriage easily.
Nobody who is married can reasonably say, "Oh, I didn't realise I was committed to this person in a life-long relationship".
Do you see where I'm coming from?

I'm sorry that this upsets you, really I am.
Hope things work out well for you.

Message deleted

sugarmousepink - sounds so familiar - knowing that a big argument with my DP will result in him questioning whether we should really be together; a very trivial cross word said in an overtired moment or rushing with kids or whatever will result in him unleashing a tirade on me the next day saying how I have no respect for him he can't carry on like this. And - honestly - hand on heart I am a GOOD, kind, loving girlfriend. (Well, I WAS, before this whole 'shall i shag someone else' business)

sassysusan if i didn't have kids I'd be rowing like mad to OM. But I think what you've said is spot on.

marantha - that's it really. DP has never given me a convincing, honest-sounding reason for why he hasn't wanted to marry me.
Bit sad isn't it?

This whole thing is sad. I just feel like I've had a massive wake-up call about my current relationship.
I feel like I'm in crisis mode and yet my DP is overseas oblivious (I'm not going to bring it up on the phone). We'll have a proper talk when he gets back.

God, I hope I haven't bored you all stupid by now.
Thanks for listening.
MMx

Nobody is bored.

Seeing your wake-up call enfold is very sad. But necessary for you, I think.

Keep us posted, and good luck x

Thanks, AF. Will do. X

MM - again, glad to be of some assistance.

WWIFN made some interesting comments using the example of a man in a similar position to your own.

However, I wonder if your husband/partner has some trauma in his past which has made him reluctant to make your relationship a legally binding contract. Did his parents divorce? Did he have a difficult childhood?

I know it's none of my business but your description of these "flare ups" every 5-6 months where he rails at you suggest that there may be some deep underlying insecurity on his part and that he may be initiating these rows to (unconsciously) see how far he can push you before you walk away for good.

I'm not trying to suggest that he is without fault - he clearly isn't and it takes two to make a relationship. However, we all have psychological baggage that we carry with us for life.

You also state that this is your first long term relationship (i.e. more than two years). Is that also the case for your partner? If so, maybe you are both (unconsciously) getting bored with each other. This may explain the rows and the "I think we should split up" comments from your partner. Again, working at the unconscious level, maybe neither of you really want to stay together but neither of you can think of a way out without causing pain to someone you care about. So you have these flair ups and then it all appears to settle down again until the next eruption!

To be perfectly honest, and based solely on what you've written, it sounds as if any (or all) of the following may apply:
(a) you are in desperate need of a confidence boost, which you feel this OM provides
(b) this possible affair might give you the confidence to get yourself out of your existing relationship and
(c) if he did find out it may give your partner a wake-up call to realise that he is not the only man who finds you attractive.

[Sorry for all the emboldening but it's the way to impart for emphasis]!

Breton - thanks v much for all those thoughts. I'll read and process.

Yes - deep insecurities on his part - from having emotionally reticent parents who were unhappily married and having affairs. Possibly this is where it stems from altho' I really don't think it should be an excuse any more.
DP has been in a very long-term relationship before.
He's definitely not bored of me (she says!). No, I know he's not - he is attentive in that way and also makes it clear he still finds me v attractive.
I'm not bored of him, either. I'm angry. And I guess I am bored of his insecurities sadly. If 8 years of love, attention, reassurances, emotional and practical support etc hasn't convinced him that I'm committed then frankly I'm on the verge of giving up.

Oh, and the bold was very helpful! (argh, i used an emoticon!)

MM - From what you've just written there I think you've found the nub of the problem.

He's probably desperately insecure and if you have an affair and he ever finds out he is likely to perceive it as history repeating itself. Sadly children often blame themselves for their parents' divorce/unhappy marriages.

My advice is to have a serious talk with him when he gets back from overseas. Ask a relative/friend to have the kids for a couple of nights so you can talk without interruption - preferably at a time when neither of you have to get up the following morning!

I don't think you need to see a therapist but maybe your partner needs some talk-therapy. He may have some deep-rooted pain that he's never consciously confronted. There is some grieving to do I think.

I suspect his treatment of you is unconsciously related to his childhood and his parents. He may be unwilling to seek professional advice but that could well be tied up with his fear of facing his past.

My very best wishes for you and I hope it all works out.

I agree with this Breton wholeheartedly. And Mabel, if you're angry, it means that part of the rationale to this affair is to be punitive.

I don't think your DP's resistance to marriage is financial - I think it's got everything to do with his childhood. But having an affair has the effect of turning this into self-fulfilling prophesy. No-one in his childhood valued fidelity in marriage, which in turn makes him resist marriage, which in turn leads to you being unfaithful.

Sugarmouse, completely relate to your posts. Finding myself in a good relationship was an awakening. It's taken me a long time to realise I can have off days and tantrums without my partner stropping/demading attention/threatening that it is then end of the relationship.

Mabel, I was stupid already so boredom is not an issue for me. That said, am absolutely NOT bored with your posts. I hope you find some resolution soon.

FWIW I would advise against pursuing things with the OM just yet - you have a lot to sort through with yourself, DP and children -

.... keep in touch by all means as you never know what the future holds....

Gosh yes DP has huge Family of Origin issues. Reading this I too would discount financial resons for not wanting to marry you. It is likely that he is very scarred by what he went through and has a lot of insecurity.

One thing you can do to empathise and think of the little child that he was - He was maybe not loved enough, suffered all sorts of anger,upset. he didnt understand why all this happened to him. This is not to guilt trip you but just to think why he likely behaves as he does.

He needs opportunity for some individual counselling too as well as couple counselling.

I'm resurrecting my old thread only because I need to write here otherwise I'll end up writing to or calling OM and I'm trying so very hard not to do that.

I wrote an email to OM last week saying I think we need to not see each other or have contact for now as I have to try and sort out my relationship with my DP. I wrote it because that's what I thought I should do, although honestly my heart was telling me otherwise. The trouble is, since sending it, I've felt utterly bereft. I don't WANT to not contact OM any more, I don't WANT to not see him again. He hasn't replied - I'm not sure if he's hurt or thinks the contact has to stop immediately. But all I want now is to see him or speak to him. God I'm such a fuck up. I guess it made me realise how much the possibility of starting something with OM has been spurring me on these last few weeks/months - making me happy, even...

I guess I'm not really expecting anyone to post with anything particularly helpful. I'm just venting/expressing/trying to clarify my thoughts and feelings. The thought of never seeing OM again makes me feel sick.

But what does that say about how I feel about DP and wanting to sort out our problems? I think I just need DP to come home. He's back tomorrow. I just don't know how honest to be with him. I want us to go to a relationship counsellor but then how can I suggest that when I know right now I can't be honest about my feelings about OM...?

Sorry about all this waffle. I'm thinking aloud, really. It's good though. It stopped me acting impulsively.

Hello Mabel, I think you have done a very wise and strong thing by stopping all contact. The first two weeks will be the hardest. Focus on the fact that this is what you believe to be right. You are leaning on the one thing that is not going to mislead you - your own belief system. You know that your heart and your emotions are misleading and blinded right now, so acknowledge that you have those feelings, but also that you can't trust them and will not act upon them.

It's so hard because the minute you sent that email, a part of you was wanting to know what his reaction was. But you know him - you know what his reaction was. You don't need to hear it from him.

This is like going cold turkey on an addiction. At first you will think about wanting contact all the time. Then it will be several times a day. Then once or twice a day. At last there will be a day where you don't think of it once. But if you make contact now, you flush away all that good work and you're right back at the beginning again, like playing snakes and ladders.

The possibility of being with OM seems to me, reading your words, to have been an almighty distraction from something that you haven't felt ready to face - the difficulties in your relationship at home.

You have done a huge thing by putting the distraction away from yourself. That's a wonderful step - the you who did that was wise and strong. Don't let her down now by undoing that good work.

Try as best you can to focus on your partner coming home and where you go from here. Of course thoughts of the OM will creep in, but when they do, you'll have to develop a mechanism of putting them to one side to deal with later. First things first - what do you want to happen in terms of your relationship with DP. Everything else must wait until this is clarified and worked on.

Suggestion: When you feel this impulse to contact OM, you need to do something to distract you from it. Go for a walk, clean out your cupboards, dance around your sitting room with the music on full blast. Choose something that you WILL do when you get this impulse.

All strength and power to you, Mabel. I do know how hard it is to put what you believe is right before what you feel in your heart. But trust in yourself. Trust the voice that tells you what's the right thing to do in your own belief system. Because when everything else goes away, that's the person you will be left with.

Thanks for your encouraging words, wordweaver. I'm supposed to be working at the moment - but right now I can't concentrate on anything at all. I'm trying very hard to distract myself from thoughts of OM but it's not working too well.
I know what I did was the "right" thing to do but, to turn a cliche on its head, how can something so 'right' feel so wrong??! I mean, I feel so tearful and miserable - and yet everything you say makes sense of course.

I guess I've never been in the position before of 'denying' myself something in this way - of not following my heart, I guess. Or is it my heart? Maybe it's something more base...
Anyway, yes, I've always been one to follow my emotions, but then in the past my emotions have never wanted to take me somewhere that would break up my relationship/family.

I am cramming my diary full of things to do so that I am left with as little free time as possible in which to think about OM and/or contact him.
A walk is a great idea. I think I'll do that now - sod the rain.

i don't know if i'm being strong or completely weak and pathetic.