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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

528 replies

MabelMay · 14/07/2010 15:02

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/07/2010 16:23

eh ?

lovechoc · 17/07/2010 16:26

dream away by all means about people you'd like to do it with, it's harmless. But to go out of your way to have an affair, IMHO is just really reckless and selfish. Think of your family.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 17/07/2010 16:27

Was that "eh?" to Noddy AF?

noddyholder · 17/07/2010 16:28

sorry big apology i thought ahkem was op!

AnyFucker · 17/07/2010 16:32

no, noddy, akhems isn't Op

akhems · 17/07/2010 16:35

hehe.. no I'm not, but AF knows I am the most ineffective namechanger ever when I did it on my own thread

noddyholder · 17/07/2010 16:42

phew was half expecting an irate dh for sat night entertainment!

AnyFucker · 17/07/2010 16:46

well, I wasn't going to mention that, akhems

AnyFucker · 17/07/2010 16:47

yes, "eh" was to noddy

SassySusan · 17/07/2010 17:35

Message deleted

marantha · 17/07/2010 18:09

Well, no technically it wouldn't be extra-marital but there are people who aren't married who are committed to one another and have arranged their finances to reflect this to make up for fact that not married (wills etc).
Though you are right to say that the commitment doesn't seem to be there in THIS case of cohabitation.
I don't find it outrageous myself that she won't be entitled to things like pension automatically like a wife would, though- I don't believe in marriage by default.
If people cohabit, it's up to THEM to sort out their finances for themselves, I think.
The rest of your post with is spot on, though, SassySusan.
But I still don't think "extra-marital" affair is good idea- as someone said earlier, two Mr Wrong's don't make a right!

Original poster
MabelMay · 17/07/2010 20:13

sassysusan - reading your post was like reading the most accurate analysis of my relationship i could have given - but have never allowed myself to acknowledge. in fact it's made me cry. Because all of it is so true. My DP's enduring failure to fully commit to me - not only that but to actively undermine our relationship - albeit infrequently - has eaten away at me over the years.
I don't think my self-esteem has suffered that much (i have a fairly strong ego!) but my love, respect, and feelings of security have absolutely taken a massive battering. And for me - in many ways - his behaviour is worse than having a brief affair. Because it seems so deliberately cruel and controlling.

Now of course there is a flip side to this - all of my DPs (and there are many) good points and strengths - which have kept us together this long and kept me from throwing the towel in. But when it comes to the most fundamental foundations of our relationship, it is seriously, damagingly lacking.

And yes, I did give up my full-time career for him. I work PT but could never get back to where I was before kids - it's just too late. Yes, I do stay at home and look after kids so he can continue in his successful career, which also involves lots of travel.
I've never really thought about the financial side of things but no, the house is not in my name. But I do co-own another property with him.
However, yeah, I'd be financially totally screwed if we split up and he wanted to be an arsehole about it. But - really - that's not been an issue for me. It's certainly no what's keeping me with him. Love is keeping me with him. My love for him and the knowledge that he loves me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MabelMay · 17/07/2010 20:16

in short, sassysusan - you have articulated my emotions and situation perfectly.

I think the answer must be couples therapy.

OP posts:
SassySusan · 17/07/2010 20:48

Message deleted

Original poster
MabelMay · 17/07/2010 21:00

sassysusan - don't worry - no heaving sobs, just a small sniffle and eye-wipe.

of course, DPs counterargument to the point you've just made is that he is working hard to support all of us, to enable us to live in a lovely home (he earns about four times as much as I did so fair enough really), AND is helpful around the house etc etc.
Anyway none of the sacrifices I've made would be an issue really (all relationships with kids require one or other or both partners to sacrifice certain things) - sorry where was I? Yes, none of this would be an issue if it weren't for that fact that DP still expresses the occasional "doubt" about us 8 years and 2 children into what's supposed to be a lifelong committed relationship. that's the fucked up part.

OP posts:
SassySusan · 17/07/2010 21:33

Message deleted

SassySusan · 17/07/2010 21:41

Message deleted

Original poster
MabelMay · 17/07/2010 22:32

Sassysusan - I'm with you almost a hundred percent. Almost. The weird thing is, DP IS romantic in little things - the little gestures (home-made cards, nice home-cooked meals, weekends without kids) - but I agree none of this matters if every few months he is also saying "I don't think we should be together coz you don't make me feel good" Paraphrasing but you know it now.
And you're also spot on about the financial arguments for marriage, esp where kids are concerned. God. I've suddenly had an awful thought. Do you think it's financial reasons motivating him NOT marrying me? I'd never thought of that. In some weird insecure way (he is deeply insecure) he might think he'd be MORE likely to lose me if we got married, because I'D have less to lose by leaving him... Honestly, in his weird head that would probably seem a totally rational thought.
Sorry I'm thinking aloud here and going slightly off thread topic.

Anyway, I have already made some notes from your posts for my speech. Which I WILL give DP - once I've got put rational head on and have decided that beautiful sex with wonderful OM is not worth the gamble.
I'm still not there...

OP posts:
SassySusan · 17/07/2010 23:42

Message deleted

Original poster
MabelMay · 18/07/2010 07:42

Sassysusan - Oh no. He absolutely does do it for me. I'd not have started this thread otherwise. I mean, I've had plenty of opportunities thrown my way, have met of attractive men, good men, funny men, in the last 8 years and haven't once been remotely tempted to stray.
However, the minute - no, the second - I first laid eyes on this OM I was blown away (basically I thought he was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen). And getting to know him I found out he was also a very gentle, nice and funny guy.
So, that's OM...
I know how I feel about him right now. And it's overwhelming lust.

What I'm more confused about are my feelings towards DP. And that's what I've got to figure out.

I can't tell you how helpful all this has been. Honestly. It's made me take my head places I probably wouldn't have otherwise and made me see things about my relationship that I've been burying my head in the sand over.
Who needs therapy when you've got MN.

OP posts:
Original poster
MabelMay · 18/07/2010 07:52

oh, and sassysusan - congratulations! i too am an incurable romantic so it's lovely to read about happy endings. MM

OP posts:
marantha · 18/07/2010 09:10

Hi MabelMay, something you say here really amazes me and reminds me how differently people see the same thing.
I don't think it's weird at all that a possible reason your dp won't marry you is because he might lose out financially.
Now I'm not saying it's right, just not weird.
Us females tend to see marriage as something to do when in love- to be honest men have a more realistic view of it in that it is a financial chain to someone else.
They're (men) are right, tbh, you don't need a piece of paper to love someone but by goodness if you WISH to prove that love to the authorities you'd better well have it cos they don't know what's going on in your personal life without it. They're not psychic.
Marriage far from leaving women who are the lesser earner with children powerless, actually empowers them- think about it, a marriage certificate acts as proof that this person promised to look after you (yes, that can mean financially) and that upon marriage you are a couple.

This is not to say that people cannot put in black-and-white their commitment in other ways, though, imo, putting you down as joint owner of the home would be a good place to start! Or naming you as his partner in a pension scheme, for example.

marantha · 18/07/2010 09:18

See when all those long-term, committed emotionally unmarried couples out there say, "We don't need to be married" they ARE telling the truth, but what they don't say is that the reason they don't need to be married is because they've made wills naming each other as beneficiary, own their house jointly, put on paper that they're each other's next-of-kin.

In short, they've done everything to make themselves effectively married without actually marrying.

SassySusan · 18/07/2010 10:01

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Breton1900 · 18/07/2010 12:28

Mabel - glad to have been of assistance. However, there is a giveaway in your reply to me whereby you wrote: "I feel like I could be missing the only chance i have to be with him, to see what it would be like... In a weird way, it feels safer - because I know it can't turn into anything long-term."

That sounds as if you are not entirely happy in your present relationship - I think SassySusan has given you her opinion on that!

I wonder if you have a desire to "test the water" with another person to see how it would feel being with someone else.

I don't know your age, I don't know your personal details, I don't know if your husband is your first long-term partner and I don't know if your feelings for this man are more than just the physical frisson of feeling someone else's body (which is a turn on for anyone who's been with the same partner for a while). Given the circumstances you have outlined it sounds like a purely sexual attraction on your part that is highlighting some deeper problems in your existing marriage.

I can't say whether or not you should have your "fling" because only you can make that decision. So will a brief (and possibly sublime) sexual experience help you make a decision with regard to your existing relationship? Or will it leave you with a sense of regret? Only you can decide.

Best of luck.