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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

528 replies

MabelMay · 14/07/2010 15:02

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

OP posts:
ilovemyzombie · 19/10/2010 15:15

Oh Mabel I am so sorry to hear this. I'm not sure what advice I can give, having never been in your current situation, and I'm hoping that someone with relevant experience will be along to give you some guidance.

What I will say is that I don't think that OM and the guilt thing is skewing your judgment about your relationship with DP. Several of us on this thread have pointed out to you that his six-monthly rants have been chipping away at your self-esteem and your view of your relationship. I'm so glad that you are going to see a counsellor on Friday and I think you need to emphasise that there are and have been issues with DP throughout your relationship. Don't spend all your time with the counsellor talking about OM in this first meeting. It's a shame that the couples counselling is on hold because I think you both need to sort this out before either of you makes a decision about the way forward.

I'm not sure about your rights as an unmarried partner should you split, but again there are people on here that know that stuff and hopefully will be along to help.

xx

ilovemyzombie · 19/10/2010 15:17

Great post, oneandup.

MabelMay · 19/10/2010 20:35

onandup i think you are completely right about his anxious attachment style. His mum was not a particularly loving mother when he was very young - she just didn't really enjoy being a mum and resented her kids. DP always said her love felt conditional. Not trying to do my pop-psychology here but I can still see it now - she finds it hard to show her love, even tho' she obviously does love him. Sometimes I'm left open-mouthed by the way they interact with each other - it's so freaking competitive! How can a mother compete with her own son?! Anyway, that's going off on a big tangent...

I just don't think DP gets how destructive his meltdowns are. He STILL doesn't get it. Even after I've tried so hard to explain it to him. It's like it's a little something he has to get out of his system. And also it's a test for me, for us. To see if I'll just press the nuclear button and let it all go to shit. The way he was talking to me on the phone this evening (all jokey and affectionate and funny) you'd never think he'd suggested our whole relationship was down the toilet just 24 hours ago. And yet here I am feeling totally emotionally battered and bruised by it.

ilovemyteddy - thank you. You're right that this is as important, if not more so, than me and the OM in terms of what to address at the counselling and what is going wrong in my relationship. Like you say, I just want me and DP to start the joint-counselling too ASAP. It feels like it will never happen.

onandup you've given me some great advice. Thank you so much. I still don't think I can tell him about the OM tho'. Not yet. I just don't want it to be the kind of thing he will throw back in my face in any future crisis/confrontation. I need to feel more sure about us before I tell him. I think.

I'm so pleased for you that you are making such good, positive steps in your own relationship. Sounds like your marriage is going to be considerably stronger and happier for it.

I guess some of my issues are so far off the original title of this thread that if I really want advice about the probs with my DP I will have to post separately. But I'm not sure I need to. You all continue to provide great support and are a real comfort to me at my low points. Thank you.

I guess in a way last night I was grateful the OM was off the scene, altho' I still miss him every day.

Because if we were still in touch/seeing each other I'd have wanted to run straight into his arms or on to the phone to talk to him and make myself feel better/loved. You see. I guess he was more of a symptom of my relationships malaise than I thought.

OP posts:
onandup · 19/10/2010 20:50

MM, I know what you mean about being glad OM is not on the scene any more. On the days when I was unbelievably low, the only thing that got me through was the relief that I was no longer leading a double life. The lifting of that pressure was such a relief. Didn't mean I didn't love him, didn't mean I didn't miss him. I was just glad to be shot of the horrible situation I'd got into, and that did help me keep strong. Still does. If I waver, I just remember how awful I felt when my affair was going on, that huge level of anxiety, and I know I would never go there again.

I wasn't suggesting you should rush to tell your dp about OM, by the way. I just think your decision to keep quiet should be one that is good for you and for your relationship, not just to protect your dp from a truth you think he can't cope with.

I do think you need to let him know how bloody awful his outbursts make you feel though, ideally in counselling.

I know a bit about anxious attachments and ambivalent mothers (got one of each myself - working on it!) I think I've behaved a bit like your dp in the past. Awareness is the key, I think. That, and time. But it's your life, too, and don't forget you have a right to happiness. He needs to address these issues, soon.

Wordweaver · 19/10/2010 21:13

Oh Mabel I am so sorry. I am sorry that you are feeling so low.

But I am also hopeful that you are on the path towards change for you - change to a better situation, whatever that ends up as being.

It is absolutely not acceptable for someone to treat you like this. As ilovemyzombie has said, I don't think that your feelings about the OM are somehow making a perfectly normal situation dreadful. His behaviour is unacceptable. I think it is a very very good thing that you are going to be able to talk openly to someone about this on Friday. I really hope that you connect with him/her and find it helpful.

As onandup says, you are putting so much effort and work in here, and he seems to be putting in the hurdles and the difficulties. It's not fair.

You come across as someone I would love to be friends with in real life. Your DP should not laying this on you every six months.

Bucketcrutch · 19/10/2010 21:54

It all depends what you want. If you are happy with your DH and dont want to risk anything then the only answer is no.
If you arent happy, think you can get away with it and most importantly be able to walk away when(not if but when) you get caught then go for it.
I remember the feeling of a different man for the first time after my ex and I split, it was like chalk and cheese and I just regret waiting so long to leave him.

MabelMay · 20/10/2010 11:05

wordweaver, thanks for your feedback too, and for the compliment. I know - I feel the same. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all meet one day?

I can't believe I forgot to write down the one thing that is upsetting me more than anything right now. I think I'm trying to bury my head in the sand about it:

I think I'm pregnant.

I hope I'm wrong. I'd do anything to be wrong.
It's the last thing I want and the last thing I need and I can't think how on earth it's happened as I'm on the pill (altho' changed to a new one a month ago). But I'm late, and my boobs are sore and I've been feeling nauseous. I can't bring myself to have a test. I really, really can't say enough how much I don't want to have a baby right now! I really don't.

Me and DP are so far from ready for this in terms of where our relationship is at. The whole idea fills me with complete dread. I don't know what to do. I know I need to find out but I don't want to have to start thinking about it too much. I'm not anti-abortion, but then again when i'm in a relationship how do I justify not having the baby? It's a very personal thing I know. I've been as careful as I possibly could be (short of not having sex AT ALL with my DP) so how could this have happened?
Of all the things I needed least of all right now...

gutted.

is there any way it could just be the new pill making me late and sore and nauseous?

OP posts:
Wordweaver · 20/10/2010 12:57

Oh blimey Mabel, go and get a test right now and do it. The not-knowing will be exhausting, and you do not need to put yourself through it. It is impossible to know whether it's a side-effect of the new pill or not.

Go to the chemist now. Pretend you are buying it for someone else if it will help. But please do it today. On top of everything else you are contending with, you do not need to put yourself through this awful not-knowing.

IF it's positive, then of course there will be a lot of thinking to be done and decisions to be made. But right now your imagination is running to meet trouble, and it might not be justified at all.

ilovemyzombie · 20/10/2010 13:09

Yes, go to the chemist and get a test and do it now for all the reasons that WW outlined above. xx

MabelMay · 20/10/2010 14:37

I know, I know - you're both right. I guess I keep hoping my period will come so I won't have to put myself through stress of the test. Can't bear the thought of it.

I'll go and do it later this afternoon.

I'll let you know how it goes.

OP posts:
Wordweaver · 20/10/2010 19:52

How did it go this afternoon, Mabel?

ilovemyzombie · 21/10/2010 14:46

Hi Mabel - are you around today? Can you let us know how your test went? xx

MabelMay · 22/10/2010 13:22

Hi guys - I'm so sorry. My son got sick (not seriously) but he's needed 24 hour care for the last two days and I haven't had a minute.

Anyway, also really sorry to unnecessarily get you caught up in my - as it turns out - needless drama. I finally plucked up the courage to do the test today and, thank god, it was negative.

Didn't mean to be such a drama queen.I just couldn't think what else it was. It's been 5 weeks since my last period and I still have sore boobs and feel a bit nauseous but I guess it must be this new pill. PHEW!

Anyway, I guess the plus side of me letting my imagination run away with me as that now I keep thinking: things could be worse!

I also went to counsellor. I don't know if she's the right fit. I guess you have to give these things a few goes, do you?

Once again, WW and ilmt I'm really sorry to have taken you on that pointless pregnancy journey with me - it must seem like I court drama. Honestly I don't. I had convinced myself I must be PG.

I've been so preoccupied last few days with thoughts of PG and sick DS that I've been better at keeping OM out of my head - but any time there's a bit of a lull, my thoughts always turn to him. No crying in shower for days though!

Thanks both for your concern. I feel a bit embarrassed now. MMx

OP posts:
Wordweaver · 22/10/2010 16:35

HURRAY! What a relief - have been hoping you would say this. No need to feel embarrassed - it's just really good that you don't have that on your plate as well.

Re the counsellor - I think it depends in what way she's not the right fit. I mean, I don't think that a counsellor needs to be someone you would be friends with normally, but she does need to be able to understand and appreciate the nuances of your situation and not be judgemental . . . can you put your finger on what you felt was wrong/lacking?

I didn't say this before as I felt you needed to get the test done rather than listen to my speculations, but it is a fact that stress can stop/delay periods, and I'd imagine your stress levels are fairly ramped up at the moment.

I hope that your DS is feeling better now and that you're looking after yourself as well as him.

Keep posting and letting us know how you're doing.

bigbadsecret · 22/10/2010 17:10

Hi MabelMay,
Thanks for your acknowledgement of my post - sorry, I didn't want to step on your toes and wade in with my own problems! It just felt like a relief to write down how I had been feeling as I had been bottling up all my worries for about 3 months. I couldn't believe it when I read the title of your thread, because that is what I have been wondering all along and have still not come up with an answer ( although it is probably glaringly obvious to anyone else, ha ha.)
Anyway, I don't think I'll start my own thread after reading all the horrible comments you got at the beginning, poor you, that must've been so hurtful.
I really hope the counselling helps for you, maybe if you don't like that one, you should try another one. At least you can breathe a sigh of relief you aren't PG!
GTG now. Smile

bigbadsecret · 22/10/2010 17:40

By the way, things are still going on with my OM but we are trying to cool off the contact for a while as things had been getting so intense, we were speaking on the phone everyday, but it's like an addiction and I've felt very down the past week as I can't speak to him as much as I'd like. But I know it's for the best if we try not to have so much contact.

I need to get my head round my relationship with my DH, I feel so guilty betraying him like this and I really don't think he has a clue what I have been doing behind his back. I feel especially bad when he has commented on how lovely I have been lately, he has seen a change in me for the better, and I have such a glow about me, etc etc (because I have been walking around feeling like a teenager in love for the first time). I do love him I think, but I know I'm not in love with him and I don't really fancy him, if I am totally honest, but how can I ever admit that to him?

I wonder if it is ever possible to get that feeling back with someone you've been with for nearly 20 years, or once it's gone, is it gone forever? [hhmm]

tadpoles · 22/10/2010 17:50

At the risk of totally infuriating some of the regulars here, I would suggest that the answer to your question is: yes, possibly, depending on the circumstances.

For instance (keeping details as vague as possible for obvious reasons) I know a few couples where I would be AMAZED if the husbands (in these cases it is husbands but I am sure there are women in this situation too, although probably not as many) were always faithful. They have been together for years and years, have children, lovely homes, lots of money. The husbands are charismatic, good looking - and I think that, on one level, the wives have decided to turn a blind eye. They think that, rightly or wrongly, they have already landed a catch and the deal may be that their husband has the odd mistress now and then.

In some other cases, I know the husbands have been unfaithful (they were indiscreet enough to tell a close friend) but they get away with it probably because the wife choses not to find out, and does not want to have to deal with the consequences of a discovery.

Whether people like it or not, there is a lot of bargaining going on in long-term relationships, and some people would rather maintain the status quo than split up over an infidelity, with all the losing face/hassle/aggro etc that is involved.

Not saying it is right - just that people have different deal-breakers when it comes to relationships and what is a deal-breaker for one person, may not necessarily be for another, when all other aspects of the relationship are weighed up, especially where children are involved.

MabelMay · 22/10/2010 19:34

tadpoles - I don't think you're wrong. Different strokes etc etc.

I know a couple (in their 30s) where the woman is, let's say, a bit of a free spirit. Her husband loves her deeply and is by no means a doormat - in fact I would say most of the time he wears the proverbial trousers. She also really loves him and would never think of leaving him. But he's not that highly sexed, he could take it or leave it to be honest. She, on the other hand, is. So, occasionally, she will have a flirt, meet other men, and sometimes have a proper fling. He accepts it. Happily. They have two kids and want more. I think they'll be together for life. They've already been together 15 years.

bigbadsecret - I remember my DP making exactly the same remarks about how happy I seemed, right in the midst of the time that I was spending lots of time with the OM and believed myself to be falling in love with him. I did feel awful like you. But not awful enough to stop the contact.

I think things are going to get a lot more painful for you sadly before they get better. What do you think?
I do think you should give your marriage a proper chance. What about couples counselling? You'd have to stop seeing the OM for this though, of course... Perhaps you're not ready to do this?

OP posts:
MabelMay · 22/10/2010 21:42

WW - thanks for your message. Regarding the counsellor, I guess I'll have to give her more of a chance. What I didn't like is that she already seemed to be putting words in my mouth about how I might be feeling that didn't actually match how I believe myself to be feeling at all. But - I won't rush to judge. Given that it's the first time I've ever been in a situation like that, it was bound to be weird. What it did make me realise is how much I want and we need couples counselling, because 80 percent of what I wanted to talk about concerned my DP. Anyway, don't worry - I won't be sharing the minutiae of my therapy sessions with you!

You're right about the stress - of course I hadn't thought about it but that would definitely be a factor in my non-period. In fact that's almost definitely what it is I'd imagine.

DP is away. DS is better, but I think I'm getting whatever he has had (can't keep anything down etc etc - sorry, too much info...??). Perfect timing with the weekend and half-term ahead, eh?

Do you see that post? I didn't mention the OM once!

Oops.

OP posts:
Wordweaver · 23/10/2010 09:34

I'm sure she shouldn't be putting words in your mouth - but I do wonder whether perhaps she is doing it to spur you into crystallising what you DO feel?

Either way, it sounds as if you are going to see her at least once more so perhaps the next session will help you to decide if it is worth continuing with her.

I have had two counselling sessions in my life for two different situations - one when I was eighteen and one about three years ago. The first one I didn't really LIKE the woman as such. I found myself feeling defensive and upset by her questions at times, and she got me to put things down on big pieces of paper with felt-tips, which I couldn't see the point of.

But all these years later, what she helped me to see through those techniques has helped me loads and I am so grateful to her in retrospect! Your situation will be very different of course, but I do think that sometimes people can help us immensely by just helping us to see things from another angle.

It's good that it has thrown more light on how much you want couples counselling - is that something you are going to talk with your DP about again?

Sorry to hear you're feeling so poorly yourself - hope you feel better soon and manage to have a nice Saturday. Mine is going to be spent here at the computer, working. Oh, except for a brief respite to hang the washing out . . . I've heard of these things called 'weekends' - must get myself one sometime.

ilovemyzombie · 25/10/2010 13:06

Hi Mabel. So glad to hear that your test was negative - I, too, thought that it was more likely to be stress, but also didn't want to put you off getting the test done [hsmile]

Sorry also that you felt that your counsellor wasn't the right fit. Hopefully your next session will be more productive. It took a while for me to feel comfortable with my counsellor, and I think you shouldn't be afraid to tell yours if you don't feel it's working for you. Then she might be able to explain what she is doing/why she is questioning you in that particular way. Above all it's important to be as open and honest as possible so that she can help you find the answers that you need.

MabelMay · 25/10/2010 17:17

Oh dear I'm having a bad moment. I feel like I'm at such a low ebb in my life right now. My DP is away so much at the moment and it can be so bloody lonely being the only parent for days, weeks on end. This coupled with me hearing about the OM today has just made me feel like I'm back to square one. The feeling of having my heart in my mouth, of that horrible heavy feeling over me all the time. I thought I had made progress in the right direction, now I am thinking about him constantly again.

The other thing that really worries me is this: and it's something I think that you mentioned to me too, ilmt. I remember you saying not long after you ended your affair you almost started another one...
I feel like at the moment I'm like an unexploded firecracker (Okay, that's a TERRIBLE simile but I'm rushing here and can't quite find the words!) What I mean is that this almost-affair/EA with the OM was almost like opening the floodgates. I found myself in a situation last weekend where I almost snogged another man. Because I have all these pent up feelings inside for OM, maybe? Why? I've spent 8 years not even thinking about it and now I seem to almost be seeking an outlet/another man/... I don't know what but it really worries me.

And how can I start fixing my relationship with my DP when he's hardly ever around?

I feel a bit pathetic. Like the only way I can make myself feel good at the moment is to make another man want me, to make another man fall in love with me. It sounds terrible but that's part of what I feel at the moment. I wish I could fix it now, because I hate feeling this way.

Sorry for another rant. I really wasn't expecting to have another low day like this. Spending lots of evenings alone just me and my two little DCs is not helping I'm sure.

Sorry to be on a downer.

Feel need to "talk".

MMx

OP posts:
MabelMay · 25/10/2010 18:33

sorry to bump my own thread. feeling very alone - i guess am in the need for a bit of 'contact'. just called two RL friends, and my DP. no-one answering so back on to mumsnet I come...

I'll probably keep posting. Just so I feel like I'm "talking" I guess...

OP posts:
ilovemyzombie · 25/10/2010 19:57

Hi sweetie - got to post and run but didn't want you to think you are all alone. I totally sympathise with your situation being alone with your DCs. And it must be so frustrating that DP is away so much when you need him to be there so that you can see if your relationship can be fixed.

Please please don't look to any other man to 'put out your firecracker.' I haven't talked much about my second almost affair, but it was the catalyst for me having a breakdown and seeking help. A sordid, sorry mess that left me feeling like shit. For me it wasn't about my OM or my feelings for him, but about ME and my lack of self-respect and self-worth.

I know I've said this a billion times, but I think DP's six monthly episodes are taking their toll on your self-esteem (and it's interesting how you almost snogged another guy right at the same time as DP had another one of his episodes.)

More tomorrow, but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

xx

MabelMay · 25/10/2010 20:41

thanks so much for the comfort ilmz. nice to feel heard.

Oh I know I shouldn't be looking to another man. God, I know it's the stupidest thing to think or do - but it's there in the back of my mind and I'm sure you're right about the timing of the almost-snog vis a vis my DP undermining us again.

I feel like my self-esteem has plummetted in the last 4 or 5 years.

Thanks for posting. I'll prob come back to talk tomorrow.

OP posts: