Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

[MabelMay]

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

In time you will either get your head around OM's turnaround, or you just won't care anymore. He did do you a huge favour and, in time, you'll see that too.

Doing something active is a good thing.

Try to get it into your head that OM was not a knight in shining armour who was going to rescue you from your 'flaky' DP and your 'mundane' life. Just remember he is just a man who farts in bed, picks his nose and leaves skid marks in his pants. It's easy to remember their good points, how they made you feel etc and to brush aside their bad points (I thought the sun shone out of my OM's arse, but he was just a man and a totally unreliable, manipulative git as well. It wasn't until the rose-tinted glasses had fallen off that I remembered the bad times with him as well as the good.)

Remember also to balance out the bickering with DP with the good things he does. My DH is the most annoying PITA sometimes, but he is also strong, organised, supportive, a good husband and a brilliant dad. I know how hard it is to see their positive side when you are thinking of someone else; but you have to hold onto the good moments with DP and put the bad ones (if they are the usual trivial annoyances) to one side.

Come back and talk when you can.

Hi MabelMay, have namechanged for this, I hope you don't mind me putting my twopenorth in.

I've been reading this thread with interest, as I can relate to what you are going through. I would say I'm about five months on from where you are now, although things with my OM went a lot further. We never had full sex, but did plenty of things we shouldn't, were involved for about a year and to be honest, loved each other a lot.

I'd had a very rough time in my marriage, and my dh wouldn't listen to my distress. I think I was at such a low ebb I couldn't make good choices. Or rather, I could have, but I didn't

Anyway, I won't bore you with my story, but I just wanted to say that in the end I told my dh everything, and I'm sure that's the only reason I managed to break contact for the final time. That was back in May, and there has been no contact since early June, when he did make contact with me and I told him the situation. Needless to say, he disappeared like a rat up a drainpipe, and that was that.

Since then dh and I have been working on our issues, having counselling and things are starting to look up.

BUT

The last few months were so, so difficult. My counsellor said I was grieving, and I know that there are ladies on this board who have lost husbands and children, and I in no way wish to compare my pain with theirs, but that is what it felt like. I was drinking too much, felt like I was walking around with a stone on my chest, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop thinking about OM, I was just obsessed. I relate to so much I've read on here - crying in the shower rang particularly true.

I thought I would never get over him. Then, last week, everything came to a head. I had two days when I just could not stop crying -couldn't get out of bed. I think a counselling session where I just gave in to my feelings and told it like it was was the catalyst.

And since then, it feels like the sun has come out. I'm not saying I'm over him, just like that, but that sick feeling has gone, and I can think about him fondly but also realistically. I no longer feel the need to check emails and read his Friends Reunited profile every day just to see photos of him.

I can feel the bonds breaking, and the ones with dh restrengthening every day.

I just wanted to let you know that I have been in the pit of despair with all this, but now it is passing, and it will for you.

Be brave

Blimey, just read my post back and just wanted to clarify.

I meant my feelings felt like grief, not like I had lost my husband or child.

Sorry for any misunderstandings.

Hi Mabel, just coming on to say I hope doing something active helped - hope you are feeling a little better this evening. I think that what onandup has said is extremely interesting and encouraging.

Just keep going, one day at a time. And keep your mantra in mind - this too will pass.

Thanks, wordweaver.

Just popping in myself. Don't have much time but will try and cram in a few things and thoughts whilst here.

Yes, onandup I really appreciate you posting. It is really encouraging to hear from people like you - who were in for longer and far more intensely than I was with the OM - and who have come out the other end. It sounds like you've had a hell of a time of it.

What you say about "grieving" - that is exactly how I feel - the heavy stone in your heart. In fact, ten years ago I did lose someone extremely close to me - an immediate family member but I don't want to go into any more details. I don't want to trivialise those feelings in the slightest, so I'll tread carefully and hope this doesn't sound too melodramatic, but I found the feelings I had then, the immense grief and loss and powerlessness, easier to handle/cope with. Because I was surrounded by understanding and similarly affected friends and family. And there was a comfort in that.

These feelings that I'm having now feeling incredibly lonely (in RL) and also, yes, unacceptable I suppose; because the relationship was "immoral" and secretive. I don't feel like I'm articulating myself particularly well but I hope you understand.

Again, this is in NO WAY to compare myself with other posters and people out there who are genuinely grieving the loss of a loved one.
Anyway, onandup - thank you very much for taking the time to post. I really did appreciate reading everything you've been through and I really hope things continue to improve.

How are things with your DH now? Did he forgive you immediately? Did he/does he know you were in love with this OM?
How are you feeling about the future now?

I myself have looked back on this thread and realised there's a crucial chunk missing then remembered that I posted on another thread for a while. It's when the OM got back in touch with his "can't stop thinking about you" text and I texted back with similar sentiments and the whole thing immediately intensified again. Anyway, that's an aside - I couldn't understand what had happened to all those posts then remembered they were somewhere else. Anyway...

wordweaver - I smiled when I read about your wanderlustful mother because I already do that with the furniture! Now I know why!

ilovemyteddy - I think I must be the child too - as I'm also prone to Kevinesque door-slammings and tantrums. But partly because DP is also very passive-aggressive, so it's kind of to counter that.

ilovemyzombie - are you related to teddy? It seems too much of a coincidence! Thanks for your thoughtful and helpful post. The thing is, I know the OM farts and maybe occasionally gets skiddy underwear etc etc but I do miss him. I know he's only a man; I'm sure one day I'll get over it. But we did have a strong connection - I felt it immediately, he was wonderful company and we laughed a lot together. I'll miss him/it for a long time. I suppose also maybe I don't feel enough self-loathing about it because we never really got that far. So it still felt "innocent" , IYSIM. [I'm experimenting with emoticons] - It never got to the point where it felt sordid. Or maybe I just haven't got to the point of self-loathing yet - and I'll look back in a few months and will feel sordid and hate myself for having let things get as far as they did with the OM.

londonartemis it was also good to read about your own experience of opening up to your DH and being (pleasantly) surprised by his reaction. So, yes, on a more forward-looking and postiive note, I do feel encouraged, as you say, by my DP's reaction to the hypothetical (ahem) affair. And, yes, definitely something to work with there - honesty and openness is something I hope we'll be able to introduce more and more, bit by bit.

I feel like I'm rambling now.

I'd better preview!

"these feelings I'm having now are incredibly lonely" rather. Other than on MN, of course... Thanks to all of you. MMx

Hi MM - I am Teddy - changed my name for Hallowe'en as is the tradition on MN. Sorry, I should have said!

The grieving that onandup and you referred to is very real. I lost a dear, every close relative a few years ago, and I felt far worse both physically and mentally at the end of my affair than I did when my relative died. I think the grieving for an affair partner is hard because they are still there and therefore it is harder to deal with the fact that you aren't going to see them again.

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. You can see that if a loved one dies quickly (in an accident for example) that it would take some time to move through those stages. If a loved one has been sick for some time then a lot of the early stages of grieving are done while they are still alive ("he'll get better" "why can't they do anything for him?" "If he gets better I promise to be a better person" etc).

With an affair it is harder to move through those stages; and in fact you can get stuck in denial because you know where they are and how to contact them, and you have to exert your willpower not to do so, or face up to the fact that they are not responding to your efforts to contact them. You get angry with them and start worrying about things you said/things you did/things you should have done. Then comes the bargaining - "I promise myself that if I text and he answers me that we can be Just Good Friends." The depression stage is the worst one (I remember driving home from work and thinking "if I was to be in a car crash and died I wouldn't care." No thought for my DH or DC.)

So the grief is real and you need to work through it. But in order to get through it you have to move towards the future and not get stuck in the past.

Any news about the counselling yet?

Hi MabelMay,

in response to your questions, my dh has been amazing about the whole thing. If I ever doubted his love for me in the past (and I did, lots) I don't now.

He never for one minute countenanced us splitting up, even when I was saying that was what I wanted. He was utterly heartbroken, but utterly resolute. He said that if we split up over this then it will be acrimonious and will be discounting the rest of the relationship, which has been long and good at times. He did all the right things, hauled himself off to the gp, to counselling, to hypnotherapy - which ironically was what I had begged him to do for years, but that's another story.

He was unbelievably hurt and sobbed in my arms. I hate to say it, but I was so removed from him emotionally by that point that I could hardly feel a thing. It was like I was in shock. Telling him had made everything real, and it was all I could do to get through the basics of looking after the home and children.

The hardest thing about all this has been trying to fix my relationship on the one hand, and get over the OM on the other. It's been like being two people. Now I seem to be on the mend re: the OM and dh and I are getting closer again, I worry that the guilt will hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm ashamed to say I haven't really felt guilty up to now. The way I see it, the affair was a bit like the perfect storm - all the elements were in place for a disaster, and boy did it happen.

My dh has made me promise that I will never say the affair was the best thing to happen to our relationship. He was so hurt, and it is going to have serious repercussions regarding our living arrangements and work. But I have to say, we are communicating better than ever before, we are working hard on making our relationship better, and I am feeling true love for him for the first time in about five years. There was a lot of resentment bordering on dislike, lots of parent/child behaviour, lots of stubbornness and taking for granted on both sides. I honestly used to panic when I thought of spending the rest of my life with him.

I don't feel like that now

Sorry, rambled.

Oh, sorry, yes dh knows I was in love with the OM. I had to be, really, to do what I did. I've only ever had one relationship, and that's with dh, so for me to do what I did, the feelings had to be there, if you see what I mean.

He finds the emotional aspect very hard to deal with, though, harder than the physical, I think.

He gets sad sometimes, but has always said that he wants this to be something sad that happened to 'us' rather than something shitty that I did to him.

How brave is that?

That's a wonderful, positive post onandup. :)

You have been incredibly brave in telling DH and in working together to address the issues in your marriage.

Guilt is a part of the healing process and if it does hit then the most important advice I can pass on to you from what I have learned is that you have to forgive yourself for your affair.

Thank you, Ilovemyzombie

I think I do forgive myself...just have the odd dark moment of the soul.

But now I tell dh about it and we have a hug.

Still got a long way to go, but at least we're on the same path now.

Your DH sounds well worth holding on to (as is mine :))

My DH doesn't know about my affair (which was a couple of years ago) so my 'dark moments of the soul' are dealt with alone. My affair was more about me than us - and the us part is fine.

Do you know, I think he is...I just wish I could have seen that before.

I sometimes also wish I could have got through this without telling DH. I look at the damage and the hurt at times, and think that perhaps honesty is overrated.

But I am pathologically (my OM once said "brutally") honest, with a behemoth of a guilt complex -to the point of self destruction - which would suggest that having an affair might have been the stupidest thing I could ever have done. Either that, or on some subconscious level I knew exactly what I was doing, and wanted to do something huge to make dh take notice of what a mess we were in.

I seriously hope it's not the latter - but that's a worry for another day.

Sorry, meant to say Ilovemyzombie that it's very brave of you to take full responsibility for your affair like that. You must be very self-aware.

abedelia, haven't been on since yesterday and was shocked to see that you think I don't care much for my kids and that they're just a giant ball and chain round my partying. FYI, I don't go out partying and that's part of the problem. Since having my boys, all partying has well and truly stopped. I'm now not particularly bothered, but yes, at first, I'll admit that one of the things I found very hard to get used to was my loss of freedom after having kids. I adore my kids and they are very secure in that knowledge.....I have always put them first, which is often why I end up feeling exhausted. As a footnote, however, things are improving between me and OH and I now realise that my need for outside attention was misdirected, I suppose it was just one of life's transitions.....so please don't misunderstand or underestimate me.........

late30s - I'll echo what I said to you in my earlier post a page or so back. I sympathise and empathise completely with how you feel. Glad to hear things are improving with your H...

I'm popping in v briefly.

Another crap day, I'm afraid. Won't bore you with the tears. Have put my phone on silent because every time I hear the text beeps I'm hoping it's him.
ilovemyteddy I'm obviously still in the denial phase!

look fowards not back, look forwards not back.

i'll be back again of course - but i want to wait 'til i feel a bit more positive.

Don't wait until you are feeling more positive. Spill your guts - that's what we're here for :)

And, as one of the lads on The Apprentice said last night. "It's not criminal to make a mistake. But it's criminal not to learn from it."

Just remember that it's such early days for you. You sort of have to go through that jump of adrenaline when the phone beeps to get to the other side of it, but it is so hard.

I hope that he will be thoughtful and kind enough to not text you again - he makes you have to start again every time he does.

It's all about small steps. The bad days are just as much a part of moving forward as the good days, although I know it doesn't feel that way.

You have support here any time you want it.

Hello

Have been reading your post the last couple of days and has been so useful to me. I am going through the same feelings. Am alone in a new country with DH and 2 DCs and desperately trying to make things work.

OM used to work for me. Horrible story really. He has a girlfriend who also worked very close in the same company. It was the most intense rollercoaster ride and just came so unexpectedly. I never thought there was anything wrong with my marriage but in hindsight there must have been.

It got to a stage where I was desperate to be with him but he wouldn't let go of his girlfriend. I am sure he got very close and had counselling etc. But the nightmare started 6 months ago when I told someone at work in confidence (I was desperate by then) and it turns out she had a grudge against OM from a long time ago and got her revenge by telling EVERYBODY. I was lucky because was due to leave the country anyway and move to a new role in the same company and he would no longer be working for me. He totally panicked and ran back to his girlfriend and blamed me intensely for causing such a mess.

He has been struggling to get his promotion (which objectively he deserves) and has therefore swung between love and hate towards me until now. We still have an immensely strong bond. We managed 9 days no contact. We have seen each other about 6 times since April and it has just sprung back again. We talk occasionally. He texts me. We email. He generally starts all contact. But it is so frustrating because he simply will not give up on his girlfriend - he says he must live the relationship out. When I write it all down it makes me look so weak and stupid. But I am not - I am a strong girl, who has a good career, 2 lovely children, and believe myself to be good fun and happy most of the time.

A couple of weeks ago he started all the contact intensely again - I guess he could feel me slipping away. He says he cannot quite let go of me. But equally not his girlfriend.

It all came to a head on Monday this week. We had a very intense communication day. Chatting on phone and IM. And then the next day we both woke up feeling as if we were coming down from a drug. We have set up no contact together now. Our aim is to go at least 9 days - which is the record. I have found the strength to tell him not to contact me anymore unless he has sorted out his relationship situation. I don't expect to hear from him. But if I do, at least I know he will have sorted himself out.

I talk to no one in RL. And it is painful. I totally understand your pain.

No Sophie, with hindsight it does not follow that there "must have been" something wrong with your marriage. I wish more women would challenge this belief that it is impossible for them to be unfaithful without there being anything dramatically wrong with their marriage or their spouse - it is so often used as an excuse and a justification.

It is equally possible that there was something wrong with you to have betrayed your spouse and intruded on another woman's relationship.

Women often have affairs because quite simply, they fancy sex and romance with someone new, but precious few will admit it, apart from the ever-wonderful Teddy/Zombie.

Be more introspective about what it is about you that led you to make the choice to be unfaithful and in turn, abuse the boss/subordinate relationship.

Yes, WWIFN. Completely agree.

I would add that if that isn't acknowledged and looked at 'straight on', so to speak, then the possibility of exactly the same thing happening again is still there.

I know from my own experience how one can kid oneself that these things 'just happen'. But it is a choice. There is a moment - well, more than one moment - where you can stop yourself.

If you don't address the reasons why you didn't choose to stop the first time, then you risk the same situation occurring again.

Hello,
Just wanted to say that I stumbled across this thread this week in desperation after doing some internet searches, because I really needed to speak to someone regarding my own situation. I couldn't believe reading some of the stories on here, how similar they are to my own experience, and I am so glad I have found this, as it has really helped me the last couple of days to try to make a bit of sense of my own affair. It is strangely comforting to know that I am not the only mad, crazy woman in the world!
My life has been in utter turmoil emotionally since July when I started having an affair with someone I've known in a work capacity for about 2 years. There had always been an attraction between us but obvs neither had admitted it as we are both married with DC. For some reason, we started texting, which led to talking on the phone, then meeting for chats, which led to the inevitable.
We are now in the middle of a full blown affair, and I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster, as one minute I am up on cloud 9, the next I hate myself for doing this to my DH of 13 years ( but 19 years together in total ) My OM has made it clear that he won't leave his W and DS as he has already been through one divorce and couldn't bear to be apart from his DS. One minute I am fine with this and think, "why would I want to give up my life for you anyway?" then the next minute I keep hoping that we will be together one day as a couple.
This week, I seriously thought I was going mad, as I was constantly thinking about OM every second of the day, waking up in the night with him in my mind, going over everthing that has happened over the past couple of months. I've never felt like this before in my life and as I said at the beginning, it has been immensely helpful to find this and realize that it will get easier, hopefully, but I am going to have to be strong and try to put an end to this before it starts to get out of control.
Hope you don't mind me rambling on about my own problems. I will no doubt keep checking this thread when things all go pear shaped for me!

Crikey, sophiebbb and bigbadsecret - it sounds like you both need to start your own thread if you'd like some feedback on your specific issues.

bigbadsecret - what are you going to do? Things can't continue as they are, can they?
How do you feel about your marriage.

Anyway, the reason I came back to post is - gosh - so much has happened the last 3 or 4 days. I have such lows I feel like I'm on the verge of some kind of breakdown. Then at other moments I feel fine.

onandup I'd really love to hear more from you if you have any opinions on what I'm about to write. It was really, really encouraging to hear you can go from being at what felt like rock-bottom with your DH to now feeling genuine love for him again (love that was obviously there all along). It's encouraging because right now I feel that I am at a huge, massive crisis point with my DP. I know, however, that he would never be as understanding as your DH was if I completely opened up to him about what has happened. That's because he is not emotionally strong. Whereas it sounds like your DH is a really solid type on that front.

I have to try and keep this as brief as possible:

Basically, wordweaver and ilmt you know the history...
Last night I had a big argument with DP. I admit that I kind of instigated it. I was angry because he'd promised not to go away over half-term and then yesterday sprung it on me that he is off for work trip for ten days from tomorrow (this is the nature of his work which obviously I can't go into). So I was upset... Anyway, it developed into a massive row about how I feel underappreciated, taken for granted, unhappy, lost career, stuck etc etc.

And then he did it.

In the middle of the argument I told him how it had made me feel year after year to hear that he didn't want to marry me because he had too many doubts, even after we'd had kids and were supposed to be committed for life. DP said "well, sometimes i do think things are good and I think we should get married and then just as i think things are great, it all goes crap."
I tried to explain to him that it's that kind of fucked up attitude towards our relationship that contributes to so many of our problems and the fact that I feel angry, resentful and underappreciated.

Sure enough it's about 5 or 6 months since the last time and he did it again last night he said: "Okay, then, I think we should split up. If I don't make you happy. We should split up. I mean it. Let's split up. That's it."

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach because I just couldn't believe after all our recent chats that he was playing the "let's split up" card again. On schedule!

The only difference is, I'm starting to agree with him. But the maddening and ironic thing about it all is that he doesn't really mean it. [I know this because, guaranteed, the next day - just as today - he'll be lovey-dovey and a bit apologetic but with absolutely no intention of actually splitting up with me!]
However, when he's actually saying it, he believes it and he says it with such coldness and determination it's the most hurtful, crappy feeling in the world. And god I'm starting to think maybe he's been right all along.
The awful thing is, I know we love each other. I know he loves me. I'm starting to realise he just has a completely fucked up attitude to love and relationships and that either I have to accept that he is never going to be totally, 100percent absolute about us. Or I have to end this.
I am so devastated.

I know I'm not even thinking clearly right now because I've been pining for OM; feeling guilty about that.

Another thing is, if we really did end up splitting up, I feel like I'd be totally screwed. We're not married. The house is not in my name. I make barely any money doing what I'm doing at the moment; and there's just no way I'd be able to get back the career I had so my job prospects are terrible.
I don't know what to do.
I'm seeing a counsellor on Friday. Just me.
Me and DP were supposed to be seeing couples person on thursday but now he's off for a fortnight that's not going to happen.

At the same time, on another note, I've found myself thinking maybe what I'm looking for is an exit affair. Because me and DP can not carry on like this. And I can't be with a man who so fundamentally undermines our relationship in the way that he does. At the same time, I know that deep down we have something worth saving and two young kids who really need us both.

I'm sorry.
This is such a massive ramble

Again, huge apologies for the rambling mess above.

I should just add, I know I'm feeling especially fragile at the moment because of missing the OM and all the guilt, questions, loneliness brought on my that. It could be that it's skewing how I'm viewing my relationship with my DP right now; at the same time, it's just not acceptable for my DP to act as he does above, is it?
Or is it?
I don't feel like I'm viewing things terribly rationally at the moment.

Sorry for the rant.

Hi MM,

having read your post, to be honest I feel that there is loads of work to do in your relationship, and what really jumps out at me is that you seem to be doing all the work for both of you.

I feel that the game your dp plays (and it is a game) is an issue that he really needs to address through counselling. It sounds as if he has an anxious attachment style, and he really needs to sort it out if he can. You can't do that for him.

I think it's brilliant that you are going for counselling on Friday. Hopefully your counsellor will help you let go of some of the guilt you are feeling. Your feelings for OM are nothing to be ashamed of. They're feelings - you can't help them, all you can do is decide whether or not to act on them, and from what I can see from your posts, you have up to now made good decisions - better than the ones I made.

You say you couldn't tell dp about OM because you know what his reaction would be. Let me tell you this - when I told dh about my affair, I was pretty sure it would mean the end of my marriage. He had always been a real "one strike and you're out" type, who reckoned he just couldn't deal with infidelity. Now he says that you don't know what you can cope with until you're presented with it.

In a way, your decision not to tell dp is another example of you trying to have the relationship for both of you. You think you know how he will react, and you're choosing not to tell him in order to protect him. MM, he's a grown up. He'll deal with it one way or the other - I promise you, he won't die. You never know - when faced with the very real prospect of losing you, he might just realise that his bi-annual attack of the jitters just has to stop, and he has to shape up or ship out.

What I would say though, is that you need to stop trying to love your dp. What I mean by that is, while my marriage was in trouble, way before I had my affair, then during the affair, then in the aftermath, I was constantly searching for my feelings for dh, almost straining every sinew to love him.

Then I got so exhausted, and just gave up. Let myself feel what I was feeling. Turns out it was a whole lot of grief. So I rode it for a while. And it started to clear. Then lo and behold, I looked at my dh while he was laughing at a daft TV programme, and felt a rush of warmth towards him that I hadn't felt for about five years. And that was the start of it.

I'm not saying we're there yet. We're not. We've got a long way to go until we're out of the woods. But now he's getting counselling, I'm getting counselling, we're each dealing with our own stuff, and we're coming at this relationship as a couple of adults choosing to be together after having a horrible time of it - and it feels okay. More than okay. And sometimes, really good.

Hope that wasn't too much of a ramble.