Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

[MabelMay]

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

Hey - hope you had good weekends - hope your dinner dance went well wordweaver and that your stockings stayed up.

There are so many questions I want to ask those of you who've been through similar situations to this. I've been thinking a lot - A LOT - this weekend about what has been happening to me, but most importantly, why it happened/is still happening, in a way.

I can see from almost all of you that forgetting the OM, forgetting the whole thing, is going to be a very long process. I mean, obviously I'll never actually forget him - but to get over it. The fact that almost all of you who've posted (ilovemyteddy, iz, wordweaver, frog) still find it difficult sometimes, (like you, ilovemyteddy, i think there is one song I'll never be able to listen to again!) - it's quite a daunting thought.

What I've also realised is how much I'm not just going to miss the OM, but how much I'm going to miss the feelings I had whilst he was a part of my life. The effect it had on me. This is what I really want to try not to lose... this is the part that I realise I have to find from somewhere else - from somewhere inside me I suppose? I can already feel myself slipping into a kind of apathy, a general discontentedness. I honestly felt the happiest I've been for many years, since the kids were born - which is sad, isn't it? Friends and acquaintances noticed the change almost immediately. I felt energised - I looked better, I was nicer to everyone because I felt happier - I was a more patient mother... I just had a more optimistic outlook on everything - I was told a few times that I looked "glowing" - and that's how I felt. I know maybe what I had with the OM wasn't "real" - but my feelings certainly were. And it's that that I don't want to lose.

At the same time, I'm so sad that my life before I met the OM wasn't giving me that. And I guess this is what I have to figure out through counselling. Why do I feel unfulfilled? What's stopping me feeling happy? Is it DP or is it me?

Another thing I've realised is that I haven't remotely let the OM go yet. The email I got, even tho' it showed no emotion at all, was in a strange way a comfort to me - because it was contact, because he's still there, he's still in my life. I also received a text from him (yeah, I know - he's not sticking too well to this breaking off contact). Again it was an inane thing asking me if I wanted him to return some music/CDs I'd given him... But he didn't need to send it. I replied saying "please keep CDs". But just the act of that small back and forth - I don't know. It's like a part of me is still clinging on to some stupid idea that we can keep the channels open; I'm slightly annoyed at him for initiating this contact but at the same time it's been a kind of comfort. I don't think it's good - and it's not helping me remove him from my head and heart. But then I think I'd be coping a lot worse if all lines of contact had gone completely dead. I don't know.

Frog, I'm curious about your own situation. How are things with your H now? Did you completely break off all contact with OM? It must have taken a lot of strength to do that - did you have very strong feelings for him?

I want to go back and look at a few more posts from some of you. I know I'll have more questions...

frog how long ago was your EMA? Did the OM ever try to get back in contact?

wordweaver - you're right. The rowing is not good. It's not frequent - but it's happening more than it should. And I always feel immediately after one of these rows with my DP that we just don't quite work together. I seem to rub him up the wrong way more often than I should.

He's so bloody cerebral sometimes I actually find it a bit exhausting. He has an amazing mind - super bright (1st from Oxford etc etc), super funny - but IMO he overthinks and overintellectualizes everything.

Now, the OM wasn't thick by any means but he was kind of the antithesis of this and it was such a relief sometimes...

...I'm thinking out loud again. These are just thoughts but I'm trying to analyse different reasons I fell for OM; kind of helping the process and I can't really "talk" to anyone in RL about it. God, so lonely sometimes.

You can talk to someone in RL - a counsellor. Have you started investigating seeing one yet? If you are able to get counselling on the NHS it takes a while so you should go and see your GP asap and get things rolling.

And keep talking to us.

Will be back in a while.

Everything you're going through sounds so familiar to me. I also still miss the feelings I had but I have learnt that those feelings were based on a completely false and artificial situation. I have had some personal counselling and marriage counselling (through Relate) and this has been a big help. I now realise that I was self-medicating with the feelings that the affair caused me to have. The unhappiness, resentment and dissatisfaction that all came rushing back after the affair, had in fact been there all along and for several years before I even met the OM.

I have been married a long time, and have never been seriously tempted before. This affair caught me completely unawares. I know that people have affairs even when there is nothing wrong in the marriage, but in my situation, this wasn't the case. After counselling, I feel that my marriage is now at an end. So the affair in my case wasn't the cause but rather a symptom of how bad things had got. I've seen this described as an exit affair in that it forces you to realise that the marriage is over.

The OM and I became friends at work. We got on really well and there was also a lot of physical attraction. Nothing happened for a long time - for about 18 months we behaved as friends and nothing more. But instead of ignoring the warning signs, we allowed ourselves to become closer and closer, sharing personal information and confiding in each other. It will sound like a terrible cliche but we fell in love - and the rush of feelings that I got from it became completely addictive. At various times I tried to distance myself but invariably ended up drawing close again. Then he relocated to another area - this wasn't anything to do with me, but something he had been planning for a while. The parting was immensely painful for both of us and we admitted our feelings for the first time. We kissed on a few occassions towards the end, but never had sex. I can't even claim any moral highground here because I wanted to and he was more reluctant. He is a basically decent man, and I think this shook him up as much as it did me.

And still I couldn't give him up. We kept in touch via email, phone calls and IM. For a further 6 months this carried on, becoming more and more intense if anything. I started counselling during this time. And eventually realised that I would NEVER be able to move on and heal properly while I still had contact. Even more than that, I had to give him up in my head and heart, to use your expression. This means honestly giving up all hope that there will ever, at any stage, be anything between you. During this time, he kept saying things like "one day we'll be together", and how much in love he was with me. All the things that he had never said while we were "just friends" were coming out in an unstoppable stream, and boy, was I lapping it up. So this was helping me get over him as much as it would help an alcoholic stop drinking by taking up heroin.

So I broke it off. To be honest, the six months of not seeing him had already helped make it all seem less real.

A few more months down the line - the initial pain has worn off, I feel like myself again, more positive because I have a better understanding of why I allowed this to happen and how to move forward. I still have days when I feel a bit heartsore and the "what ifs" and "if onlys" start up again, but I find it easier now to put it out of my mind.

He was very hurt and angry when I broke it off. He hasn't tried to contact me again for which I am thankful. There are times when it has taken all my resolve to keep the no contact going, when I'm feeling low and want just another small hit of my drug. If he were to contact me, I hope I'd have the strength to not reply, but I'm just not 100% sure.

It's still very early days for you Mabel. You will find that he is in your thoughts a lot of the time. Don't berate yourself - just go with it and keep faking it. He's probably missing you too, which is why he's sending these texts and emails. You might find yourself becoming disheartened but it slowly improves. If you're not seeing him anymore that will help.
Try to keep the no contact going. It's the only way to get the message into your head that he really isn't in your life anymore. Easier said than done, as I well know. But every time you slip and have contact, it's like picking the scab off the sore again.

Keep posting - it helps to share with people who know what you're going through. Just keep saying "this too shall pass".

Heeding the warning signs - not ignoring

Frog - if you have reached a stage where you realise that the marriage is not right for you, then why would it necessarily be such a bad thing to resume contact? Is it because he is attached and/or other reasons?

tadpoles, i'm assuming it's because he is also attached/married. But will leave frog to confirm.

frog thanks so much for posting your own experience. Sounds like you were in a lot deeper than me, so I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must have been to extricate yourself from the situation and cease contact like you did.

How long have you been married?

Like you say, I just feel like I'm constantly 'faking it' at the moment. I'm rushing now. Off for a work lunch with a friend/colleague where I will have to do yet more faking [when in my heart I just want to spill it all out - "hey let's not talk about work because I think I fell in love with someone other than X and I can't stop thinking about him and i nearly had an affair but then he stopped it happening and rather than feel guilty, which is what I should be feeling, I just want to see him again and i miss him and i know it's ludicrous so what does that say about me... blah blah blah"]. No. It will do me good to stop obsessing for a bit.

tadpoles There are a number of reasons.
OM is a lovely man, I still love him and miss him truth be told, and I thought/dreamed many times of us being together permanently. But now that I'm thinking clearly again and no longer in the grip of the addiction, I don't want to muddy the waters again, IYKWIM, by resuming contact. I want to get my head together with regards to my personal and marriage issues. If and when I'm separated I will probably get back in touch, just to let him know.

Some people would disagree, but he is a decent man, trying to do the right thing. I know that he didn't set out to fall in love with me, and I know that he wants to stay with his wife and kids. The kids are still quite little and he couldn't bear being a part-time dad at this stage in their lives. So he has made his decision and I need to respect that and let him get on with his life. I know that I would never be able to get on with my life if I had even a glimmer of hope, so it's better for me to let it go. He wanted to keep on with the contact, he said that maybe one day circumstances will change. Maybe they will, but again, maybe they won't, and I can't carry on torturing myself indefinitely with this.

mabel Oh yes I know all about that - wanting to tell the world! But DON'T whatever you do, tell anyone at work. I confided in an old friend from uni who I haven't seen in years but who I am still close to. She had been going through a very messy divorce so we became a mini-support group for each other. I'm sure she was sick to death of my never-ending emails and calls going over and over the same thing. It was so good to get it out though. She was very understanding and helpful. She knows my H and understands the problems I'm having in my marriage as well. Eventually I started boring myself - it took about 3 weeks.

I have been married about 20 years. I've been quite or very unhappy for the last 5 but it's never been bad enough to call time on it. Well, that's what I thought anyway as I rationalised all the bad stuff away. What this affair has made me realise is that there are decent, wonderful men out there and I could have a better, more loving relationship. I don't have to settle for being treated like my H treats me. I've realised I would even be happier being on my own.

Mabel you wrote: "Why do I feel unfulfilled? What's stopping me feeling happy? Is it DP or is it me?"

Part of the answer to that is in your posts about how DP makes you feel when he does his six-monthly freak-out; and part of it is in your other posts about how you miss the life of career and travelling that you had before you settled down with DP and the DC came along. That's where counselling will help you.

I think the other thing to talk about is how your inner knowledge of yourself is screwed up when you have an affair. I mentioned before, and you mentioned too, about how you become a different person when you are with OM - as you said "I gave the OM a version of myself that is not totally real." That version of yourself (if you were anything like me) is your fantasy version of how you would like to be. But inside you is still the real you, and the real you is battling with the 'fantasy' you; you are constantly switching from 'hot mamma' to partner, mum, daughter etc etc. So you are living all these roles and none of them are real - because the real you wouldn't cheat and the 'fantasy slut' isn't really who you are. But you keep playing the role to OM because it's keeping him interested; then you are going home to what now seems your boring life, and your internal compass is whizzing about all over the place not knowing which way is up.

The hardest thing I found when I was putting myself back together after my affair, was regaining my sense of who I was. My affair changed me and I recognised that I couldn't go back to where I was (otherwise it could happen again - and with me it very nearly did.) So you have to strike a balance, and work out what you want, and what is possible for you to have within your current relationship. If your current relationship doesn't give you what you want then you need to think about changing it, or getting out.

HOWEVER you need to be absolutely sure that it is your relationship that is faulty, rather than you. I spent nearly a year being told by friends and people on another forum that there must be something wrong in my marriage before finally discovering that there was something wrong with ME. FWIW I think that in your case (and a little bit in mine) there is a mixture of issues surrounding your DP's freak-outs and your own sense of "Is this all there is?"

WRT OM's text about the CDs - yes, he could be missing you, or he could be playing games. Delete his contact details from your e-mail and phone - if he can't respect your wishes to have no contact then you have to make sure that there is no contact. If you keep picking at the scab you will make the scar worse and it will take longer to heal.

Remember - he is going away at the end of the year and he is single. He has NOTHING to lose whilst you have everything.

Frog - ((hug))

Mabel, it sounds as if you've had a good weekend in terms of moving forward in your thinking. I think all you have said sounds thoughtful and good, and I think you are asking yourself the right questions. Sometimes that's the hardest part.

For what it's worth, although I completely agree with others that it's a good idea to delete his number, email address etc, I think that it may be asking too much at the moment. If that's the case, I just wanted to tell you what I did. I was in a different position from you - not in a relationship at the time - so in some ways I was more free to take my time.

I had his number in my phone, his business card in a card holder and various things he had written to me saved on the computer, as well as his email address of course. But it felt too hard to delete it all at once. Also, with regard to the phone number, I didn't know his number off by heart and I had a horrible image of him texting me and then me replying with 'who are you' or something.

So, at first I didn't delete anything. Then, after a while (months and months), I deleted his email address from my contacts list and blocked it on MSN. It was still in my memory, but that's something you can't wipe! Some more time passed and I changed my phone and therefore lost some of the messages I had saved on there. It was out of my control, but it helped me to see that I didn't need them. Soon after I deleted his number, and several months after that I threw away his business card. It probably took two years before I deleted the things he had written to me that I had saved.

I would wait for a day when I would suddenly, apropos of nothing, think 'I feel ready to get rid of that now'. In fact deleting all that stuff helped me to see that I was moving forward. There was a time when it would have hurt desperately to delete those things, but when I finally got around to doing it, as the months passed, it didn't hurt.

I do realise that your situation is different and it may be better for you to pull the sticking plaster off all in one go, as it were, but for me 'slow and steady' was the best way.

I understand what you mean about almost craving the contact despite the fact that what he says is upsetting. It's keeping a cord between you.

There isn't a clever way to get past that. It's just time and willpower I think.

Another thing that helped was that for me, over time, my opinion of the man changed subtly - I suppose as the rose-tinted spectacles fell away. I had exerted all my willpower to break contact, to get away from the danger that we could have walked into, and yet periodically he tried to get in touch.

The first time I was glad of it, to be brutally honest. But what happened? We had to have the same conversation all over again. Me saying 'we cannot be in contact' and him him saying 'no I suppose you're right'. And it hurt all over again, and I felt heartbroken all over again.

Two or three times since he has tried, and I have come to realise that as much as I cared about him and as much as he had many wonderful qualities, he was intrinsically selfish. I had told him that however much time passed, I was no longer and could never be part of his story. I told him I had found someone wonderful. And yet he tried again.

The last two times I have not replied. He is intelligent enough to know why. But it is my will that is keeping him true to his word not to see me again - not his. And that cannot help but put him in a worse light in my eyes - a weaker light. Does that make sense?

We were both guilty of crossing an emotional line and we were both in the wrong. But that is in the past - my decisions are no longer linked to him and he is not part of my story any more. I will always think of him with emotion, but I think that the rose-tinted spectacles are long gone.

Sorry, that was a long old ramble. I'm trying to say that it will get easier. And that every moment that takes you further away from him is taking you towards something better - whether that be with your DP or in some other situation as yet unthought of.

I used to count the days, months that had passed since I saw him for the last time. I had no idea that it was actually a countDOWN - towards meeting my DP. And the truth is that when I look back now, it's like I was in a permanent daze. Now I feel as if I am living - part of the world around me. That was a dream and this is reality.

The people who said that you were glowing at that time were not looking at your thoughts or at the whole picture.

Have you ever read a book or watched a series back to back, and become so completely immersed in that pretend world that it coloured the things you were doing day to day? That you saw everything through the filter of that book or series for a short while?

That's how your description of yourself over the last six months seems to me. It's how I think I was when I was going through my experience. It creates real feelings, real perceptions, but they are so skewed that it's all bound to come crashing down.

What those feelings are is exciting. They are vivid and powerful and all-consuming. I think that from the things you said about your earlier life - the travel and varied experiences - you must have need of some excitement, of something vivid and powerful. Is that true? If it is, then that's a good starting place for how you can make your life something that fits you better. What sort of things excite you? What do you love? What are your passions?

As others have said, it may not just be your DP's hurtful behaviour that is behind your feelings of uncertainty and discontent. The more thinking you can do around all this the better. If you were to see your feelings for OM as a symptom, what would you say they were a symptom OF? Would it be the one thing - the difficulties within your relationship? Or would there be other elements?

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth and some of the things I've said will be about me rather than about you - I've just been sitting here and thinking about all the things you've said. I hope you find something in here helpful!

PS, thanks Mabel and ilovemyteddy for the good wishes about the dance. All went well, stockings stayed up, the veggie option was quite nice, and DP was persuaded onto the dance floor several times and only freaked out once (he's still learning to dance, and trying to avoid other dancers on the floor while remembering the steps is almost more than should be asked of any man . . .)

Late30s - gosh, a post affair story that had not ended with a lot of wailing and knashing of teeth. I guess in your case it illustrates that when complacency sets in, people of either sex are vulnerable to the possibility of an affair either emotional, physical or both. I have to say that in my, admittedly very limited, experience men are very competitive and there is nothing to spur on the man in one's life more than the realisation that another man is admiring their woman and, furthermore, could start encroaching on their patch! While I would never advocate playing games or deliberate teasing, I do think that sometimes women should use this to their advantage to boost their self-esteem and make their man realise that he has to stay on his toes.

On the other hand, I think women are often wired differently in these types of situations. For instance, if I knew that my partner was making moves on someone else there is no way I would start doing all that "competing with the other woman" stuff. It would be a complete turn-off for me and I would seriously re-evaluate the relationship. Perhaps that seems like a double standard, but that is just how I feel.
Hope things are getting easier for you Mabel, it has been so interesting hearing of people's different experiences.

Well, it seems like MabelMay's post has certainly rattled a few cages. I don't know, for me, I feel like two people, when I'm at home, I feel washed out, demanded of, unappreciated and a little confused....I'm not what you call one of life's houseproud women, I'm also not a great cook although I do my best, and I don't really enjoy not using my brain. I just feel like the housewife role is so, well Boooooring. I also associate OH with all of this, as he seems to do nothing to alleviate these feelings - in fact, he really doesn't get me. His Mum was all the things I'm not and I'm sure he would be much happier if I moved out and she moved in, she, does after all, do his ironing - which I refuse to do. So for me, there is only one solution. If I can't get my excitement at home, then I will seek it elsewhere, I only have one life and I am going to live it. I am, however, since the recent affair, not seeking the solution in having another. I am trying to get OH to understand my perspective.....for now. I feel though, that the clock's ticking, and if he doesn't get his act together soon, then I will have to go and find a new life - before I look back at the last 20 and wish I could have them back.

Late30s - has it occurred to you that he may not be putting in the effort because he now thinks less of you for having an affair? And how is all the picking up towels etc his fault? Can't the kids do that? Sorry, but sounds like you shouldn't have married and had kids as you don't care much for them - they're just a giant ball and chain round your partying. Sorry if harsh, but you're not really making a great case for understanding...

Oh gosh, where to begin? I've read and re-read some of your more recent posts and am finding them all so helpful, comforting and interesting.

First off - late30s - thanks for your post. Things with the OM have moved on since I first posed my question but it's very interesting hearing your story. I really sympathise with how you're feeling regarding your life as a mother and (undervalued?) wife/partner. It sounds like you're pretty unhappy in your marriage and the affair is an escape from this. Do you still feel that you love your husband? Do you want it to work with him? Have you spoken to him recently about the affair that you had? Have you definitely worked through it with him?

ilovemyteddy - I'm getting on to sorting out a counsellor. Think I'm going to go private as will just have to wait too long through the GP and don't particularly want to talk to him about it anyway (the GP that is).

Frog, would you recommend Relate for couples counselling? Anyone else with opinions on this?

Also, Frog am very sorry to hear you believe your marriage is at an end. Are you making plans to leave/divorce? Is your H aware?

The "one day we'll be together" your OM used to say... I have to confess that, what worries me a bit is that somewhere in the back of my mind (somewhere I'm trying desperately hard to bury for good!) I'm thinking that I can't bear to lose contact altogether, for good, because what if... at some point in the future, if things don't work out with DP etc etc. And yet I know that this is just no way to move forward and give DP a fair chance if I am serious about working on our relationships.

Also, don't worry - I haven't gone spilling it out at work, or anywhere. I've told two friends in RL about it. One lives far away and has just had a baby so I'm the last person she needs calling her up in tears! The other has been great, but again I am very loathe to bore her and have to remember that no-one else in the world shares my obsession!

Frog, you also imply that something good came out of your EA, in that you've seen that the grass actually is greener elsewhere - so for you it was a good thing, no? In other words, would you change anything about it, even now?

ilovemyteddy, everything you say is true... and I'm really glad you're making the point that I mustn't jump to conclusions about my relationship with my DP and it's role in my EA. The "is this it?" is, as you say, a very big factor in my unhappiness at the moment and this is the big thing I need to tackle I think. I do need to change something quite fundamental in my life but I'm already pretty sure it's not the DP that needs changing.

ilmt do you feel happily married now?

Also, ilovemyteddy, sorry to let you down - but wordweaver is right about where my head is right now. I just can't bring myself to delete OM's contact details right now. "slow & steady" is definitely the only way I feel ready to approach it right now. I have already deleted a few of the messages I found hardest to re-read as they were so full of promise and affection. His phone number with probably stay until he leaves the country. The email will be tackled thereafter...!

wordweaver I also love your analogy of being immersed in a particular world, like an intense film etc, and seeing everything through the prism of that world. I can appreciate already that that is exactly what my feelings for the OM did to how I perceived everything and everyone around me. And how that wasn't real. It's really helpful to read that because already I can see that that's true.

Also, the adventure, the excitement. Yes - absolutely this is something I think I miss more than anything since becoming a mother. I know every mother probably does to some extent but for me travelling all over the world and spontaneity and constant moving around was a fact of life for me. Going back all the way to my childhood. I'm trying to figure out a way - if there is one at all - to marry this with being a 'present' mum and partner - or at least to accept that it will have to wait for a good few years yet... We'll see how that goes.

tapoles I think there's something in what you say about men and being kept on their toes...just a little. Not that I advocate playing games or being hurtful or having affairs.. Honest! But when I had a serious talk with my DP the other day, I obviously wasn't totally honest with him but I did say, "DP, I even thought about what it might be like to have an affair. How that might make me feel..." To my surprise, he didn't act remotely hurt. He raised his eyebrows, smiled, said he wasn't surprised - and spent the rest of the evening and the next day being incredibly attentive, loving and - how can I put it - oh, randy!

Anyway, I'm feeling okay today. Every time I look ahead I feel better, for the most part.

I'm still waking up with this horrible leaden feeling in my heart. Mantra: "this will pass, this will pass"

I'm going to post this without previewing cos don't want to lose so please excuse any crappy grammar/spelling etc.

MMx

previewing pays sometimes - i think i might have said "right now" three times in one sentence!

argh, sorry i've just read my whole post and it's a bit of a mess but i hope you get the gist - i was so worried about computer crashing mid-stream that i just wrote without thinking or reading.

SO glad to hear that you are feeling okay today. And yes, you are right - even this will pass.

A couple of thoughts about what you've said. The first is to do with your craving adventure/excitement. You seem to associate this quite strongly with seeing the world. I have done a fair amount of travelling myself, and have recently realised that I haven't actually explored THIS country nearly enough. Do you think that making some plans to have weekend adventures within the UK might satisfy some of the feelings you have been having?

When I was a kid my mum had a huge wanderlust but no means to satisfy it. Her way of getting a little bit of that feeling was to change the furniture around in the house pretty much every three or four months. I'm not suggesting this for you - just sharing a memory that makes me smile really. My job was to assure her that it looked MUCH better this way round . . .

My other thought was a feeling of concern about your mentioning your feelings to your DP in the context of keeping him on his toes. I know you don't believe in playing games, but still to me that approach sounds a bit dangerous. There is so much wrapped up in what you hinted at to him - so much that you are holding back. And it could end up damaging you if you got into the habit of provoking a loving reaction from him through jealousy.

My caveat is that I am perhaps over-reacting - I am very alarmed by jealousy because of a past experience.

Keep looking ahead - and let us know what happens with your thoughts about counselling.

Hi Mabel - glad to see that you are feeling a bit better. I wanted to answer your question about whether I feel happily married now. Yes I do - although I could quite cheerfully have killed him last night but that's because he was being an arse over something trivial. My counselling threw up the fact that DH and I have a parent/child relationship where I am the child. I was given ways of dealing with this but I'm afraid I resorted to "Oh, fuck off!" and storming up to bed in a most Kevin-like way! It wasn't serious...just him being a man :)

As for deleting numbers/e-mails etc - it took me a year...I did delete all the texts/IM/e-mails straight away because it was too painful to look at them; but I had a day during my counselling where I had written OM a letter, telling him how our affair had made me feel (good and bad) and a letter to my DH confesssing and apologising for what I had done. I burned them, and some love letters and bits and bobs from OM and deleted all of his contact details. It felt great - but I had to be in the right place to do it. You're not there yet, but you will be.

You're doing well Mabel - Okay is in fact good at this stage!

Looking back, I wouldn't say that the EA was a good thing, but it has been a wake-up call and I have learnt from the experience. I wouldn't do it again I don't think - it's been too painful.

I didn't ever want to have an affair, what I wanted was my H and I to be happy together and for our marriage to last but I don't think that's a possibility. I have mentioned separation to my H and I don't think he was too surprised given the way things have been. I don't want to do anything until my DS finishes his GCSEs this year, but I am making plans. This may sound very defeatist, but I've given up trying to save the marriage. I'm just seeing this next year as a time to get things sorted.

I used Relate for a while - the online service. I found it useful but people have differing opinions on how helpful it is. My counsellor was very good, and helped guide me to reach a decision. Give it a try, I would say. There's no long-term commitment involved and you can pay for as many or few sessions as you want.

Don't let the whole "we'll be together some day" idea keep you from moving on. If things don't work out with your DP, then they don't. Don't use the OM as your back-up plan because you're afraid of ending your relationship. I personally would not want to go straight into another relationship anyway.

Tomorrow's another day!

wordweaver don't have much time now but just wanted to post this to reassure you I suppose as I wrote such a rushed post before that I didn't really allow for any nuance or explanation.
I didn't tell DP what about "thinking about what an affair might feel like" with the intention to keep him on his toes. I told him because it was the closest I could get to being honest with him about how removed from him I've felt recently without actually spelling out the entire truth. His reaction surprised me because he seemed to understand to a large extent, wasn't jealous in a negative way but more in the way of just appreciating that love and attention cuts both ways and - yes, I think the impact of his behaviour over the last 8 years finally hit him; for the first time he probably thought for a moment about what it might be like if MabelMay really did leave him for another man. I don't know. Maybe it still reads a bit off. But it didn't feel like a bad thing.
This is what I meant in reaction to tadpoles keep them on their toes remark. I honestly think it was a bit of a lightbulb going off in DP's head. He has promised me a weekend away on my own without him or the DPs. I have never had this. This is real progress!

...without him or the DCs I mean.
freudian slip?!!

MM When I broke down in front of my DH some months ago to try to tell him I needed someone to adore me, and I wasn't getting it from him, he was surprisingly understanding. I thought I was about to get demolished. I decided to see his understanding as a good and something to try to build on. If he hadn't understood my upset, it would have been virtually impossible to repair anything.
I think it is good that you could say what you did, albeit hypothetically (!)to your DH and he didn't dismiss it.
I know this EA is very raw still, but it sounds at least as if DH gives you some material that you can work with!

God, feeling so crappy. Wanted to respond to your posts but having a really bad day. Bad night; bad morning. Can't seem to stop myself thinking and wishing. Keep playing stuff back over and over in my mind and just feel like I don't really understand why half of what happened happened. Although I should be grateful OM put a stop to things I still can't get my head around his total turnaround.

I didn't have a good night's sleep so I know that's not helping.
I going to go and do something active that's the only thing that seems to work at the moment.
Feeling tearful and pathetic and I'm sorry to sound weak but I can't stop wishing things were different. Doesn't help that DP and I have been bickering...
Sorry.
I'll be back again, no doubt.