Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

[MabelMay]

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

tadpoles, I don't know. I do definitely want to see a counsellor though, with DP preferably.

Right now my feelings are overwhelmingly ones of feeling heartbroken that all the thoughts I've had about being with the OM, all the weeks I've spent imagining how it would feel to be with him - have come to nothing. And I know it's an insane thought to have at the moment - but when OM said he only decided in the last week that we shouldn't have the affair, I just thought, god I wish I'd seen him sooner.

I am just devastated.
It's six months of build up... to nothing. We kissed. It felt so good.
And most MNetters would say i've have an emotional affair, and I have I suppose.

I realise that as long as I felt that I was controlling things with the OM and that as long as I knew that he wanted me, that I was almost happy - because he was an option there, a way to make myself happy. Which of course I know is bullshit.

Also I feel rejected. Why doesn't he want me above everything else?

And I feel like it's exposed so many flaws in my relationship, in my life, and I just don't know how to fix it all. I feel completely broken. My heart feels like it's been twisted around and I feel like spilling everything out to my DP but I think that's partly just to make myself better and it's not fair on him.

Maybe I would be happier on my own.

I feel so miserable I was in the park this morning crying behind my sunglasses (even tho' cloudy) I just couldn't hold it in. I feel like if anyone speaks to me I'm just going to crack up.

Just logged in quickly and saw this. Have a busy weekend so got to post and run but just wanted to say I'm sorry about what has happened.

Tadpole's post was spot on.

I'll try and get back when I can but have a ((hug)) in the meantime.

And take care of yourself. xxx

thanks ilovemyteddy - i keep coming on because the only friend in RL who I told about OM is not on the other end of the phone and i just can't stop the tears from coming and i feel so lonely all of a sudden

i just hadn't realised how much the OM has come to affect every part of my life. my mood depended on how I imagined he felt about me. decisions I made (like what clothes to buy, what weekends to plan away, how to decorate our new room (insane insane i know) were all heavily influenced by what the OM might think of them/be doing at that stage etc etc. does that make sense? I was more infatuated than i even let myself realise.

i honestly feel so hopeless about my life right now - i know i'm probably feeling worse now than i ever will but i can't get out of this awful place at the moment. i don't know what to do with myself. i feel totally pathetic.

I am sure you will get into a better place in the future - things will get better. It sounds to me as though there is a bit of an emotional power-play going on between you and the OM.

I think the whole point about all this is that you are NOT happily married.

By your own confession, you no longer fancy your partner and "my DP has for 8 years, every 5 or 6 months, told me that he wants to split up with me, that I'm not good enough for him."

That is appalling behaviour!! If my partner said that to me I would say, "fine - bugger off" because I would only be with someone who REALLY wanted to be with me and who also SHOWED it and SAID it. Any crap - byebye!

Of-course you want to fall into the arms of the first man who is nice to you!! Why should you feel guilty about this - your partner has been undermining you for 8 years - your reaction is completely understandable.

My suggestion - get a good support system on board of family/friends/independent therapist or counsellor, people who are kind to you.

Next time your partner says or does something unkind, turn it around on him and ask how it would make him feel. Ask why he thinks he has the right to treat you like that.

As for the OM, if he is right for you, in the end you will find a way to be together.

Mabel I'm sorry not to have got back to you sooner, but we have a serious illness in the family and I've not been around much over the last few days.

Tadpoles is right about the power-play that has been going on between you and OM. You've both been doing that 'Will we, won't we?' dance for a while now and now the decision and the control has been taken out of your hands. But the control was never in your hands. He's not the one with a DP and DC so he was always going to call the shots. And for all you know he may never have intended to go from an emotional affair to a physical one; so as soon as you intimated that you might like to take things further, he backed off with that very useful and much used excuse - "I don't want to hurt you and I feel guilty." Sweetheart, if you'd read as many affair-stories from OW as I have you'd see the same pattern over and over again, and the same words and scenarios being played out over and over again.

Maybe the one thing that you can take from all this is that what you call the 'flaws' in your life and in your relationship have been exposed, and now you can do something about them. Tadpole's last post about how you can go about sorting this out was spot-on (although I am a bit about OM being right for you for the reasons I explained above.)

The main thing is that you don't have to fix everything at once and you don't have to do it on your own. Get some individual counselling for yourself because, as I've said before, I think your self-esteem has been undermined by DP (and now by OM). You need to get it all out there to a trained professional who will help you to find your own solutions to the things that are troubling you. You and DP may also need couples counselling but I would start with setting up some counselling just for you; because it will help you to get to a position where you will have the confidence (and possibly even an exit strategy) to deal with the issues in your relationship with DP.

Mabel this all takes time and you need to lean on your RL friend (and us at MN) as much as you can to help you get through it. It's hard, but as I've said to you before - you are the only one who can make yourself happy; you create your own life, so change the things that are making you unhappy. Trust me when I tell you that it can be done, and you CAN do it.

Right - I don't know if I'm going to have the time to write everything I want to down now but I'm going to make a start.

First off, ilovemyteddy - am really sorry to hear about the illness in the family. I hope you and your family are all coping with it okay - I won't ask any more but really appreciate you taking the time to post given everything else you are obviously having to deal with at the moment.

Sort of makes me feel even more ridiculous for the way I'm feeling right now.

I also agree with you about the individual counselling. I definitely need this. I am a total mess.

I know - having seen the general themes of posts on these relationship boards - that my situation is hardly one that is going to elicity sympathy from anyone at all. And I'm not really expecting sympathy. I just need to 'talk'.

I really believed/believe still? that I was in love with this OM. Probably some time in the future I'll realise it was an obsession/infatuation/fantasy. But it didn't feel that way, especially so when I found out he felt the same. Honestly, right now in my pathetic moments I just think "but i loved him, i loved him." GOD.

Even whilst I was trying not to contact the OM, at the back of my mind I think I always knew I would need to see him again - and then in more recent weeks - I'd pretty much decided I couldn't continue any longer and that I was desperate to see him and start an affair (I know, I know. I deserve everything I got).

I honestly feel heartbroken - for all the wrong reasons. I don't know where to start. I read some of the threads on here from women who've been betrayed by their husbands and and are seeing their marriages fall apart and they really have every reason to feel devastated, heartbroken, lost.

And yet here I am, feeling ripped apart because a man, not my DP, who I've been thinking about almost constantly and have fantasised frequently about leaving my own DP for, has now told me he doesn't want me.

I can't think straight now. I'm going to come back when I'm feeling more articulate. Right now I am having a really, really bad morning. Could not sleep last night. Can't tell my DP why I'm walking around with puffy eyes and dark sunglasses. God, what a freak.

I guess if you read this thread from start to finish it would be like watching a car crash about to happen. All the MNetters waving their arms at me telling me slow down... did i listen? did i fuck.

I'm joining in the discussion briefly here. How sad your last post was. It seems to me that you feel you have lost control of your life, self. How to start recapturing control?

Don't see that your life has come to a halt. It has merely stalled.
Do little things, for other people, every day. It could be a smile to the shop assistant, a hello to a parent. Mark these little things.

Do one thing for yourself each day. Brush your hair and pretty it up. Or a hand massage. Something that gives you a sense that you like you. Hope that makes sense.

Draw a line now regarding the past. Try not to think of the future and concentrate on the present.

Good luck.

Hi Mabel May - I have been lurking on this thread (I think I may even have posted quite a while ago) - I am also known to ilovemyteddy so she knows my "back story" and has helped me a lot along the way.

Just wanted to chip in this morning really with love and sympathy for you. Been in a similar situation myself - emotional affair with a MM, where I thought it would be a bit of fun (he seemed initially to want that too). Thought I could handle it, etc etc, then before I knew it, fell hook line and sinker for him.

I know he really liked me but for him, that was as far as it went. Looking back I think my strong feelings which I didn't really hide must have caused him to back off - he had a lot to lose, 20 year marriage, successful business & reputation etc.

It is now over 6 months since I heard from him and he is quite local. I am pretty sure I did fall in love with him, whilst still loving my DH and 2 x DS. At some point however I now know it did trip over into the realms of obsession/infatuation. The OM wasn't particularly emotionally intelligent but with hindsight probably did me a favour by "dumping" me without explanation.

Like you I had thought about him constantly, desperately wanted to sleep with him etc etc.
I have soldiered on with "no contact" and he pain is starting to fade - very slightly but I am aware of feeling marginally better.

My experience was similar to that of ilovemyteddy in that there were issues within me, my background and experiences, which led me to seek attention outside my marriage - in my case I latched on to someone who was friendly and flirty but above all attentive towards me.

How I do feel for you and the pain you're going through! My advice for what it's worth is to seek some kind of counselling to help you get a more balanced perspective on the situation. The whole thing can become a very self-destructive and self-perpetuating mess - you mention the phrase "car crash". I tended to drink and eat too much when really really low, put on weight and became extremely irritable and erratic.

I do think you would find talking to a professional helpful.

I'm now 6 months down the line and still trying to get over this guy but I am making little steps of progress each week, so I am living proof to show you it can be done. Life does have to go on and I am sure you, like me, have family and friends who need a "properly functioning" YOU in their lives. From what I have gathered you sound a lovely woman. The man in question is almost certainly not worthy of you, as I now know my OM was not worthy of me.

I do so hope you can find a way forward. Not sure if any of this helps but happy to post again! Sending you my love and good wishes.

Celticfairy that's really good advice! I say to myself each day (I'm a SAHM) "mascara, lip gloss, perfume" - when I've got those on somehow it's my cue to get out there and get on with life!

I've also joined a gym, try to get out for walks in the fresh air, and started a day time course.

Feelings about, and thoughts of OM are now starting to ebb away.

I realised I needed something to "take me out of myself". I fear MabelMay has a similar inward-looking personality to mine and it was getting to be a habit to just sit there brooding about what might have been. Not good for anyone and the road, I found, to self-destruction.

Good post izquierda.

Mabel From my experience I would say it's not possible to have an affair and stay happily married. Sure, you can stay married but it won't be happy unless you are pathologically adept at compartmentalizing.

Life does go on and no-one ever died from a broken heart. At some point you are going to have to cut off from the OM emotionally. When you have both emotionally and rationally acknowledged to yourself that the affair is over in every way, only then can you begin to move on. There's a visualisation that I sometimes use - imagine putting this affair, all the messy feelings, the emotions, the conversations, everything, into a box. Then shut the box, tie it up, put it in another box, then put it in the attic. If you catch yourself during the day obsessing about him, make the effort to turn your thoughts away. Or only allow yourself to obsess at certain times of the day. Repeat a mantra if it helps saying "it's over, I will never see him again".

You're not a freak - this has happened to many many other people. Don't be so hard on yourself and allow yourself time to grieve.

Thanks izquiderda I'm glad to read that you got yourself back on track.

Mabel...be kind to yourself. It's part of being human to love. In fact it's the most basic emotion we have. Don't beat yourself up wondering if you did/didn't love him, if it was 'just' an obsession...take that love and give it to your dh if you can. And give it to yourself too. Look after yourself, eat well, exercise, dress up...you CAN get over this. It will take time.

Hi Mabel. The serious illness isn't as serious as we thought. Phew.

I'm glad to see other posters helping you on this thread - including my good friend Iz who has been where you are and who's advice is well worth taking on board.

It's good that you agree that you need some individual counselling. I honestly wondered what I would get out of it, but it is a safe place to talk about whatever you need to talk about, and it gives you space to get things into perspective and get a plan together.

I know what you mean about some of the threads on infidelity on MN. However I think reading those threads actually make us OW face up to the reality of we are doing. I think when you have an affair you are in a bubble where everything in the outside world doesn't exist - it's just you and him - and what some of the threads on here do is show you that your actions DO have an enormous impact on other people and on yourself.

I believe that you loved your OM. I loved mine. But you weren't free to give that love unconditionally, as I wasn't. Good people make mistakes and do bad things - it's what we learn from our mistakes that is crucial in getting over this and moving on. I totally understand and empathise with you about how you feel right now. I was a physical and emotional wreck for months. It wasn't until I started working on myself (and talking to other OW which made me realise that I wasn't alone in what I was feeling) that I was able to come out the other side. I'm now a real cynic when it comes to men who have affairs with MW but a kind, and possibly accurate interpretation is that your OM didn't reject you he rejected the situation of you being in a relationship with another man, and an affair was almost certainly going to end up in guilt and pain.

You do know where to start. Start by being kind to yourself.

Frog's image of putting everything into a box and shutting the lid is one I have used myself. However you have to remember that you cannot peek into that box at any time (a lesson I still need to learn!)
Get some counselling organised and put everything onto the table so that you can start sorting through it - discarding the stuff that hurts you and recognising the things that make you happy.

I think there was a kind of inevitability that you would pursue the affair and that it would end badly. Sadly, it so often does, Mabel.

I'm reading Stephen Fry's autobiography at the moment, and in it he talks about his addiction, as a child, to sugar. This passage kind of summed up what you are now going through - my OM was an addiction and I suspect yours was too:

"The rush of excitement...inevitably ended, such is the way of passion, in the crash of guilt, melancholia, nausea and self-disgust that follow all such addictions..."

Come back and talk to you when you can. And be kind to yourself.

No. Never.

No.

Hi all who've posted since my last one. I can't tell you how much it means to me to read your supportive words. I've been out all morning with a friend and her DS [a friend who doesn't know a thing about what I've been through by the way] - trying but not succeeding to cheer myself up/forget OM; and just got back home a few minutes ago and burst into tears and came straight on to MN, fully expecting to see my thread at the bottom of the list. So it made me cry even more (in a good way) to see that there are people out there who can understand a little of what I'm going through and who are sympathetic enough to take the time to post advice and to empathise.

iz - it's a real comfort to hear of people who have been through similar experiences. One of the worst feelings I have right now is loneliness - because I can't tell most of the closest people around me what is happening in my head/heart.

I feel permanently nauseous. I am surrounded by things that remind me of the OM. Without being able to explain exactly why - he was here, in my home, A LOT. And so he was a big part of my physical world (until we tried to cut off contact a few months ago). Whereas I was never a part of his physical world. Does any of what I'm saying make sense? So I feel surrounded by him. And yet he escapes to a place where there are no reminders of me.

frog is right. I need to shut him away in a box. But I can't. I just can't stop myself thinking about him. I can't stop myself thinking of all the questions I didn't ask him. All the answers he failed to give me. All the things I didn't explain to him...

My DP thinks I'm having a mini-breakdown about my life/career/motherhood... part of it probably I suppose. When we were having a bit of a chat about "us" the other night he said: "the funny thing is, MabelMay, other than the last few days, in the last six months you've been the happiest I've ever seen you since the kids were born". I didn't know what to say. I felt so bad.

The last six months has encompassed almost the entire time the OM was in my life - and yes, I did feel happier than I ever had since kids were born.

fliberty, celticfairy, thanks so much for taking the time to offer a bit of moral support.

ilovemyteddy you're full of the best advice and sympathy as always.

i really need some coping mechanisms. i'll go back and re-read your posts. i need ways to get him out of my system. I can't function too well feeling as I do right now.

there are so many unanswered questions. will it always feel like that?

Just snuck on here to see if you were around. Got to post and run but will try to get back later to talk about coping mechanisms. I hope some other people will be on here to help you too.

There are threads about maintaining non-contact on MN and it's probably worth googling. There is also a fab forum called something like Ditching the Baggage - someone might know it or I'll get the correct info for you later.

I know what you mean about being surrounded by him - I had a similar feeling, but not about home. Sorry to be cryptic but I think you and I know what we mean. In your case I think I'd start moving furniture and redecorating if that's appropriate.

As for the unanswered questions - there will come a time when you will accept that you will never know the answers. I've got loads, but I have learned to stop torturing myself with them.

It takes time - lots of time and lots of work. Try and keep things ticking along at home with DP and the DC - and don't drag yourself down with guilt.

Hi mabel,

I have never had an affair, but I do not think you can have both. Its one or the other.

Maybe your bored with your husband and need to do more things together. This guy is an exciting excuse. It might work with him it might not but do you want to end what you have with your husband after 8 years? From things I have heard Grass is not greener. If you want to be with this new guy do the right thing but dont have an affair. Let your husband go and get on with his own life. Be kind not selfish. He deserves that respect.

I have a feeling you will regret it though in the future if you go with your hunch with this new guy.

Rachx

Hi Mabel,

just another point, maybe you need to direct your focus onto other things and keep busy. The feelings will lessen in time and
the feelings will subside.
Rachx

rachyandmeg - things have moved on somewhat since my initial post in July... but thanks for your thoughts anyway

Oh how have they worked out now then Mabel?x

I don't think selfishness comes into it - you have overwhelming chemical reactions going on in your brain making you feel attraction to this guy, but its all pointing at you having to resolve a long standing problem with DP which will not go away on its own. I think you need to go back and look at why you and DP got together in the first place to root out why every 6 months he wants to leave. You may find this is key to why you have ended up in this situation now. Life is far too short to stay with the wrong person but dragging someone else into it is unkind to them also, it will definitely get very messy if you do. You two need to talk about your relationship before embarking on anything damaging.

Hi again Mabel. It's interesting that the conversation has got around to selfishness because I was actually going to talk to you about that. I think you know me well enough by now to know that I understand what you are going through and that I am sympathetic. However the truth about affairs is that they are selfish; what you want takes precedence over everyone and everything in your life.

What would be truly selfish would be to let what has happened drag you down, so that your DC suffer as they get worried and anxious about Mummy crying and being unhappy; and DP wonders what the hell is going on.

You have an advantage because you know why you started this emotional affair - your DP has these six monthly 'episodes' where he wants to leave; you are feeling cut off from all the things you used to do - your career, travelling etc - and OM was a distraction from where you see your life at the moment. Use that knowledge as a starting place to move forward and address the things that are troubling you.

There is no point in indulging in 'what if's' and 'what might have beens'. Deal with things that are happening now - and start to cut those emotional ties with OM so that you are free to do the best for yourself and your family.

All the advice above about looking after yourself is good - try and get as much exercise as you can, and clearing out cupboards seems to help too! Eat and drink sensibly. If you have a safe place that you can keep a journal it is vry helpful to write things down about how you feel.

That website I mentioned earlier is called Baggage Reclaim. Great advice for break ups and moving on.

My coping strategies were - fake it until you make it - in other words "Chin up, tits out." I also threw myself into whatever I was doing so that I didn't have time to wallow in guilt and heartbreak. You made a mistake - learn from it but don't let it dictate how you live your life.

rachyandmeg - I totally crashed and burned

delphinium - I talked to my DP recently about his totally undermining our relationship every 6 months. He explained it like this: he said that when he was young he remembers his mum and his older sibling would be walking along the road, they'd be walking faster than him and moving further away from him and he'd start to feel annoyed that his mum wouldn't be looking back at him to check he was still with them. so after a while he'd just stop walking and wait until they were really far away - wait to see how long it would be before his mum noticed he wasn't with them. and once she'd noticed - she'd have to come back and get him. and that would give him an immense sense of pleasure and satisfaction.

in other words, he's always had a very passive aggressive way of dealing with perceived rejection/being ignored/feeling unloved.

This was his way of explaining why sometimes if he is feeling undermined or disrespected in our relationship (which he feels a lot given he is so very thin-skinned) he acts out and says these awful things about us and threatens to leave. Because he wants to make me say to him how much I love him and how much I want to stay with him etc etc.

He admits its totally fucked up.
It is also completely destructive - because there are only so many times I can haul him back in. Which is why we've got to such a bad point in our relationship (I feel) and which is also undoubtedly a factor in everything that has happened over the last six months.

Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent.

I actually feel like I'm in physical pain. I know it sounds melodramatic.

One of my big regrets at the moment, is that when OM and I were having our talk, once I realised he was saying we shouldn't take it any further - I felt so shocked, so knocked sideways, that rather than being frank with him, and asking him the questions that mattered, I just faked everything. I pretended that I was just a bit disappointed but basically understood it. I just didn't ask him anything about why, when, what changed? What did he really think about x, y and z and why had he said a, b and c? I mean - it's so ridiculous. All the questions that feel so important to me now. I just didn't want to ask them then; I didn't want to show i cared too much. I just started talking about the most inane shit, trying to just have a "nice time". Anything but force myself to maybe listen to something I didn't want to hear... I don't know why I did it. Maybe I hoped that by acting 'casual' he'd think it/me wasn't such a scary/daunting prospect and would change his mind.

I feel so disappointed in myself for at least not having a really good talk with him. For not being honest.

I've left myself feeling misunderstood by him and not fully understanding where he was coming from either.

Gosh i'm sorry this is like a stream of consciousness garbled thoughts... I know I need to stop dwelling on this - to move on.

ilovemyteddy - I'd love to see some of those forums about trying to forget, get rid of the baggage, move on etc etc. Because I certainly can't function as a good mother and partner in my current state.

ilovemyteddy - X-posted.
Oh dear! And there I was posting already about 'what if...', 'if only...'.

you are completely right about the utter selfishness of it.

i shouted at my kids tonight and hated myself for it. i was the happiest, most fun mother when i was dreaming about being with the OM.

baggage reclaim sounds like just the ticket.

MMx

You have to function as a mother, Mabel. Your DC need their mum.

Set yourself a time during the day to wallow in self pity when the DC don't need your attention, but after a set time STOP and get on with whatever needs to be done.

I remember pretending to be 'cool' about some bullshit OM was giving me about why he'd let me down when we arranged to meet up one time. My mouth was smiling, my words and tone of voice were chilled, but I wanted to scream at him for being such an arse. But of course I didn't because I didn't want to frighten him off by being too 'clingy'. It's all a game, Mabel.

Don't waste your time and energy on what ifs.

You didn't listen when we all told you how this would turn out. Please listen now. xx