Mum won’t allow me to change my wallpaper

[Winter2012]

So long story short, cat has scratched up wallpaper in the hallway. I want to remove the wallpaper, plaster and paint it as I’m less likely to get problems with the cat damaging the wallpaper again. My mum doesn’t allow me to do it, stating that it is just one wall that is damaged and it’s a really nice wallpaper. She’s literally making a HUGE deal about it and is making me feel guilty and actually putting me off doing it. It is my owned property that I paid for. She only comes to visit to see her grandkids. But she’s making it her whole business calling me “mental” for changing the wall because of the cat scratching it. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, other than to ask if she is being unreasonable? Do I take down the wallpaper and paint the walls or not?

I think you need to consider what you’re modelling for your kids by capitulating to her, too. It’s not OK for her to hold your free will to ransom like this. Compromise is one thing, but this is out and out controlling behaviour, and it’s a really unhealthy example for your kids.

There's no such as a narc grandparent who is "brilliant with the kids". The kids become part of the control mechanism that the narc has over their adult child and also suffer themselves. The narc will designate the GC as golden child and scapegoat and weaponise the kids against both parents. Source: personal experience in multi-generational narc family.

I would call her bluff and do what you want with the wall. If she stops doing your childcare then she’d be cutting off her nose to spite her face.

She sounds absolutely horrible. I wouldn't want her looking after my children. Do you have any other childcare options if she stops looking after your kids?

Holy heck! 😱🤬

I have never in my life hated a pain wall

As I’m not a psychologist and don’t know the OP (or her parent) personally I have no way of diagnosing whether she’s a “narc” or not. The only person who knows how her Mum treats her grandchildren will be the grandchildren - if they are happy then I would be happy, but if they aren’t then neither would I be.

The relationship between parent and (adult) child vs grandchild and grandparent can be very different imo. I was mostly very happy with my parent when I was a child - it’s only now as an adult that I can see their loving but often critical/interferring parenting style didn’t always suit me as a teenager and still bugs me as an adult; but seems to have been fine for my siblings who were more confident personalities. And my parents are less critical of their grandchildren who all adore them - I’m very watchful in case that ever changes.

Every family is different, I’m genuinely sorry it sounds like you were unhappy in yours ❤️

Sounds tricky with your mum. Very strange that she feels she can tell you what to do in your house.
From a decorating perspective, if your hallway is narrow, plain walls may mark really easily. How about putting panelling on the lower half of the wall and wallpaper above.
I don't know much about cats, but if you remove the wallpaper, will they scratch something else?

You have bigger problems than scratched up wallpaper if as a grown ass adult you allow your mother to dictate what you do in YOUR OWN HOME seriously get a grip pay for childcare and go no contact you are an adult act like one and get some therapy to help you overcome the control your mother has over you this is not healthy for you and I'd be damned if I allowed her to do the same to my child !

why? why not just do what the OP wants to do?

Sorry what? You are a grown adult with children and your mum "won't allow" you to change something in your own home? This isn't about wallpaper, it's about control. Especially as you say she'll stop childcare if you don't obey her.

Firstly, sort out alternative childcare, no way allow anyone to hold this over your head.

Secondly, you need to put on your Big Girl Drawers and put her straight.

I know she's your mum and it's nicer to have peace etc but OP, she sounds so toxic.

You need to stop your mother dictating what you can and cannot do. If she threatens you with withdrawing childcare, so be it. Do you really want someone so controlling to be looking after, and influencing your children.

It is your house op. Do what you like 👌🏼

This is not about Wallpaper. This is about Control.

She seemA to have brainwashed you into thinking that her behaviour is normal. It’s not. She said it’s ‘stupid’ to want to change it - meaning you’re stupid.

Can you change your childcare arrangements? I feel that your mum having so much unsupervised access to your children is detrimental to them.

Ummmmm, unless you are 12 I think it's okay to do what you want in your house. If she doesn't like it, tough.

Drop It for now. Hire a decorator for the Easter holidays. Get it done when she is not there. Do not mention it. If she kicks up about it just say “It’s my choice. It’s done now. Would you like a cup of tea?” Tell her nothing of any importance and do not run any decisions by her unless they concern her. Be prepared for emotional blackmail, the slow poisoning of your children against you and the withdrawal of her labour. This is going to come to a head at some point and it might as well be now before the DC’s realise she is running rings round you and they probably can too. Take control of your own life. Good luck OP

Absolutely! Time to cut the apron strings… and the millstone

Your house your choice

What has it to do with you mother what you do with your own home?

Seriously?? She will stop childcare if you change the wallpaper?? The woman is not just controlling she's mental!! Did she pay for the wallpaper or hang it for you?

What a weirdo.... I'm genuinely gobsmacked and would feel like telling her to FO...

Pay for childcare, get your life back. The alternative is frankly ridiculous. This is not someone you want minding your children.

Seriously??? How old are you? If you’re old enough to have your own children then you can certainly old enough to decide on what goes on in your own home! Grow up for goodness sake…and find a daycare for your child.

Ppl post anything and everything what happened to talking it out with yr mum instead of asking strangers

You can't talk it out with someone like that, it doesn't work