Mum won’t allow me to change my wallpaper

[Winter2012]

So long story short, cat has scratched up wallpaper in the hallway. I want to remove the wallpaper, plaster and paint it as I’m less likely to get problems with the cat damaging the wallpaper again. My mum doesn’t allow me to do it, stating that it is just one wall that is damaged and it’s a really nice wallpaper. She’s literally making a HUGE deal about it and is making me feel guilty and actually putting me off doing it. It is my owned property that I paid for. She only comes to visit to see her grandkids. But she’s making it her whole business calling me “mental” for changing the wall because of the cat scratching it. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, other than to ask if she is being unreasonable? Do I take down the wallpaper and paint the walls or not?

Who gives a flying f**k what your Mym thinks. It’s your house, your money, your wallpaper. You do what the hell you want.

What a load of utter twaddle !! The lengths some people will go to, to excuse abusive and coercive behaviour never fails to astound me !! This is not about the wallpaper or spending the money. It’s about control. This is OP’s home. She’s a grown woman with children of her own, and it’s not her mothers’ place to decide how and when she should be spending her money, or when she should decorate - or anything else for that matter.

And the reason people are suggesting she is unfit to look after her grandchildren is that she is weaponising them and using them as part of her little power game with OP. Would you want someone so twisted looking after your kids ? I know I wouldn’t.

You said she would withdraw her child care help so it’s not a separate issue just about the wallpaper.

I hope you find the strength to stand up to her OP. This isn’t healthy. Let this be the last straw.

I’d just remove the wallpaper asap when she’s not around. And look for alternative childcare if you can, remove that power.

Op have you visited the stately homes thread on MN ? I think it would be good for you ...
You will understand when you read some of the comments on the thread.

Op your mum has driven your thinking to distraction.

You need to grey rock her about this wallpaper. Make it as bloody boring as possible. Do what you want with your own wall. You paid for it. Just because your mum wants you to have no boundaries doesn't mean you should t have any.

this

Her opinion doesn't matter because

It's not her house

Why should she care about what visitors to your house think? It's your house, it doesn't reflect on her.

If she respected you, she'd respect your right to decorate your house as you see fit, even if she doesn't like it.

If she doesn’t like it then she can’t see the grandkids as you will be going NC. If a partner was telling you this then it would not be ok. If she doesn’t want to come to your house anymore then that’s on her

Change your wallpaper. If she goes crazy, she can't come to your house anyway more. If she is so crazy, that will be the best idea for your children's sake too . Make different childcare arrangements.

This really isn’t normal. Why is she so invested in your wallpaper that she would drop you and her grandkids in the poo if you change your decor??

this. Its your home. Cat/no cat, damage/no damage, what you do in YOUR home is YOUR business. Foot down, Boot her if necessary.

This is controlling behaviour. You need to set boundaries here. It’s your house. Access therapy about how to deal with emotionally abusive parents.

Once you become an adult, your parent can only control and/or abuse you if you let them. It’s hard to step back or even fully away from the relationship, but it is possible. We love our parents even when they don’t treat us well. It takes strength to put up boundaries, but you can do it.

redecorating would be a good first step. If she tries to argue change the subject. If she continues to argue, tell her to leave your house.

hire someone to do your childcare. Take away the power she holds over you.

And a new mother.

She’s not invested in the wallpaper, she’s invested in the control she has.

I realised that my narc was "helping" me with my garden and increasing my dependency on her by vetoing my planting and plant removal decisions and buying plants for me and planting them without my input, even though I own my home. There was a row and I went NC for a while, and during the NC period the FOG lifted and I realised that many of her plants were invasive and difficult to contain, increasing my dependency on her, and that the removals she was vetoing were always of things I struggled with and never of plants that are easy to care for. Even though I had told her many times that I wanted to be able to look after the garden on my own, she was sabotaging my attempts to make it easier to care for. And she was doing this so that I would feel obliged to her for her "help" and never be able to escape her or say no to her.

This was the pattern with DIY for a while - FIL had superior knowledge being a builder but it dragged out simple tasks and made things harder sometime more expensive and often not what we wanted - it took ages to see and then get DH to see.

My parents could be equally as diffcult and they did couple of time last minute refuse to do childcare they'd insited we use them for- first time was a shock and DH was outraged and we all went to event- subsquent times we were stuck in first place - and half time they would come though - it was purely a way of trying to get us to do what they thought we should.

It takes time to see patterns and then work out how to get to place you can care with no comebacks to you. Then half time on here you get told a bounday you put in and posters insist it means your nasty and controlling yourself.

You have to make a stand, on your own two feet.

In this scenario, she’s being controlling because you’re letting her control you.

Can't decide who's dafter here - the mum for making such ridiculous demands (and threatening to stop childcare if the OP does not obey) or the OP for paying any attention at all her mum's demands.
OP grow a backbone and decorate your house however the hell you want.

You need to read this back to yourself. She is coercive and controlling, and that's not a healthy environment for you or your kids. What would you advise if a friend told you this?

Alternatively she could stop enabling the batshittery, get paid childcare and change the locks !!

Your mother is abusive. I imagine that she has controlled you all your life and probably withheld things you needed growing up so you did what she said. I imagine things like love and affection, your basic needs.

I could be wrong of course, but if that is the case "just growing up or getting a grip" as some posters have said is not that easy if you fear her reaction. I really think you could do with talking this all over with someone.

Her behaviour is not normal and I wouldn't want her around my kids, but learning to build boundaries when you have never been allowed to have any is not straight forward.

This isn't about wallpaper. Wallpaper is the final straw. Good luck.

Keep the top half of the wallpaper and either panel or dado the bottom half and paint it.

You have mother issues, I would do what you want and then see if she carries out her threat. If she does then find a childminder.

Moving forward, if you plan on continuing to use your mum for childcare, be very careful about what you say to her. She couldn’t have caused a fuss over you changing the wallpaper for paint if you hadn’t told her about it. Just get on and do what you’re going to do, and restrict conversation with your mum to comments about the weather. Ideally you’d take a big step back from this relationship, but I understand that’s easier said than done.

I used to need my mums permission for this kind of thing as well, how to dress, what to buy etc etc. It comes from a life time of being controlled, sometimes we don't even realise how much control they have over us. Decorate your home how YOU want. Be free of being micro managed.