Mum won’t allow me to change my wallpaper

[Winter2012]

So long story short, cat has scratched up wallpaper in the hallway. I want to remove the wallpaper, plaster and paint it as I’m less likely to get problems with the cat damaging the wallpaper again. My mum doesn’t allow me to do it, stating that it is just one wall that is damaged and it’s a really nice wallpaper. She’s literally making a HUGE deal about it and is making me feel guilty and actually putting me off doing it. It is my owned property that I paid for. She only comes to visit to see her grandkids. But she’s making it her whole business calling me “mental” for changing the wall because of the cat scratching it. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, other than to ask if she is being unreasonable? Do I take down the wallpaper and paint the walls or not?

Wow that is a whole load of weird. Read it back to yourself over and over. It is completely bizarre

Also a big fat WTF. I had some beautiful wall paper on wall on the staircase. It was textured and the cat thought it was the most amazing scratching post and destroyed it. At the first opportunity it was replaced with skimmed walls and just paint, end of problem.

Sorry but your mum is nuts, for 1001 reasons.

She does my childcare whilst I’m at work and she will stop doing this if I take off the wallpaper without her permission

Sounds like your mother could teach JD Vance a thing or two. https://x.com/patriottakes/status/1836086093500047455

More seriously: This isn't about the wallpaper. If she makes childcare conditional on this then she wants you to bend to her every whim, and next week it will be some other trivial matter. For what it's worth, my guess is that when you do take the wallpaper off, she will turn out to be almost entirely "mouth", and very thin in the "trousers" department.

I never fail to be shocked at how weird some family dynamics are when I’m on MN. I’ve never come across something like this in real life. So if you had just done this without ever mentioning it and she walked into your house, she would have stopped doing any childcare when she saw the decor had changed? Bizarre, bizarre, bizarre.

I wouldn’t want such an unstable and odd person looking after my children, mother or not.

This is not about the childcare or the money. Believe me this is about the wallpaper. She keeps going on about how nice the wallpaper is and getting rid of it just for a few scratches on one wall is stupid. But I know those few scratches will add up. Believe me she isn’t thinking about it as deeply as you’ve analysed it, she’s going batshit because I want to take the wallpaper off and have a plain painted wall. And she’s going crazy about how visitors will hate the boring bland plain walls

I'm struggling to believe someone would be pathetic enough to own their own house, have children etc but yet ask their mother for permission to decorate .

I wouldn't be running anything by her at all. Stop doing that.

As I said in my previous post, and as others have also said, source other childcare.

How much of the rest of your life does she dictate?

Ah, just read your update.

Get proper childcare and go no-contact. I recognise this pattern of behaviour. You will feel much better when you aren't in a transactional relationship with a controlling narcissistic whose help always has a pricetag.

I’ve just said I want plain painted walls. He’s scratching because it’s highly textured wallpaper. I don’t want wallpaper

Report your own thread and ask Mumsnet to move it to Relationships. You don't have a DIY problem, you have a mother problem.

My stepmother was like this. Be perfectly pleasant and calm and do what you like in your own bloody house. Then go over the top with enthusiasm for the new painted wall when it's done - on the lines of, I don't know why I hesitated so long, I LOVE it!

Would it be a huge shame if there was an accident involving another area of the wall paper?

This is not about the childcare or the money. Believe me this is about the wallpaper

Kindly OP, it's absolutely not about the wallpaper. 'Going batshit' over how another adult chooses to decorate their own home is far from a normal reaction in a normal healthy relationship. Neither is running every small decision past a parent when you're a parent yourself!

Is this not a form of coercive control that we hear about nowadays?

Would your mother repeat what she dictates to you in front of other people?

There is every possibility that you may need to plaster once you have stripped the wallpaper, all depends if it was properly plastered or just papered over the plasterboard

She sounds batshit OP. I agree with others. Do what you want with your own wall and then make other arrangements for childcare if you have to. Do you have a DP/DH or is it just you against Mommie Dearest?

PS: is this a wind-up?

Honestly, it’d cost you less to get new wallpaper and pay for childcare.

This isn't about wallpaper versus paint this is about your mum controlling you. Of course you are free to do what you want in your own home but I would seriously consider some therapy and reducing if not stopping altogether contact with your mum as she sounds horribly toxic.

It's forced dependency. I recognise the pattern.

The narc makes their victim dependent on them (in this case, by providing "free" childcare) and leverages that dependency to control the victim. It's really hard to detect at first, a feeling of discomfort, a nagging feeling of being trapped, resentment building slowly. And it is extremely hard to break free from.

I realised that my narc was "helping" me with my garden and increasing my dependency on her by vetoing my planting and plant removal decisions and buying plants for me and planting them without my input, even though I own my home. There was a big row and I went NC for a while, and during the NC period the FOG lifted and I realised that many of her plants were invasive and difficult to contain, increasing my dependency on her, and that the removals she was vetoing were always of things I struggled with and never of plants that are easy to care for. Even though I had told her many times that I wanted to be able to look after the garden on my own, she was sabotaging my attempts to make it easier to care for. And she was doing this so that I would feel obliged to her for her "help" and never be able to escape her or say no to her.

This pattern of "I will make sure that you need me so that I can control you" is absolutely screaming out of OP's posts.

She's not really seeing you as a separate person and she thinks that everything you do reflects on her. It's about her own insecurities....she's projecting the way she feels about herself onto you. I lived with my mother for eighteen months and wasn't even allowed to buy a plant for my room. You're not much better off having your own home because your mum is still wielding her power by threatening to stop childcare.

You do really need to go low contact with her because she's a controlling narcissist, but if you absolutely need her for childcare maybe you could ask her to choose a picture or something for that wall (and remove it when she's not there), or some non textured wallpaper. You have to think what it might be like when your children are older though because this type of mother has a tendency to control everyone's relationship with each other. She will probably start to annoy your children and you'll be stuck in the middle.

Then get yourself to daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com and Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Could you take a picture of the wallpaper scratch’s and we could try and give you advice

Stop giving her power over you. This will only stop when you know your self worth and stop someone controlling you.

For the love of god, please remove the wallpaper.

If she seriously would stop babysitting then get some big piece of furniture and drag it along the wallpaper so it's horribly damaged.

Then spill curry all over it. Clean the curry off with bleach and generally fuck the wall up so badly that it needs repairing 😂

Yeah you are an adult you don’t have to run anything by her. She may be controlling but you are enabling that behaviour by asking for her permission.

This is not about the childcare or the money. Believe me this is about the wallpaper.

No it's really not, no one else lives like this OP, our parents may have opinions about things we should and shouldn't do but they wouldn't punish us for going against their 'wishes'.

This all sounds horribly controlling OP.