Mum won’t allow me to change my wallpaper

[Winter2012]

So long story short, cat has scratched up wallpaper in the hallway. I want to remove the wallpaper, plaster and paint it as I’m less likely to get problems with the cat damaging the wallpaper again. My mum doesn’t allow me to do it, stating that it is just one wall that is damaged and it’s a really nice wallpaper. She’s literally making a HUGE deal about it and is making me feel guilty and actually putting me off doing it. It is my owned property that I paid for. She only comes to visit to see her grandkids. But she’s making it her whole business calling me “mental” for changing the wall because of the cat scratching it. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, other than to ask if she is being unreasonable? Do I take down the wallpaper and paint the walls or not?

Are you serious?

Just let her know that if that is a hill shes willing to die on, you will sort other childcare.
Your house, your rules.

My friend's mum was the same. The one time I let her borrow my sander for her internal doors and her mum was there when I took it round so asked what it was for. She said her mum had a rant about her sanding them and painting them later that day. When she returned home after work on the Monday her internal doors had gone! Her mum had taken them so she couldn't do it.

Of course you do, it’s your home, your decision.

😱 seriously?!

I wouldnt even discuss decorating my home with my mum, I would just do it. She can come round a few days later and see my new wallpaper and if she doesnt like it then tough shit! You need to take control back and stop letting your mother manipulate you. To use your children as a weapon over decorating a wall is nuts, she is the mental one here. Get yourself some childcare, and some counselling! Id rather be skint through childcare costs than have my mum given so much power over my life.

Seriously! We joke about her holding the doors hostage! She was a nightmare and while she has improved she still strops over certain things and decisions my friend makes herself.

Just do it. It’s your house.

So take the wallpaper off and paint the wall - it’s nothing to do with your mum

This is unbelievable frankly. You are a grown woman with children. You can’t have your mum telling you what to do!

Your mum is abusive, Change the wallpaper and if she stops the childcare don’t give her access to your kids. If you can afford it, get them alternative childcare now before your kids are impacted by her.

sorry to be blunt but you need to grow up. If you don’t know how to do something, watch a YouTube video, stop asking your mum as you are both keeping this adult/child relationship going.

The posters on this thread fall into two very clear groups:

• The ones who've never had narc parents and are in utter disbelief.
• The ones who have had narc parents and understand completely.

Paint the wall whatever colour you like in your own home and if possible find alternative childcare... who the hell does she think she is 😅 hope she runs it past you before she does anything in her home!

I thought it was going to be you were living with your mum. Why would you even give a second of worry/stress to this?! It is your home. Do whatever the heck you want!

She won't allow you? In your own home? Words fail me.

Your Mum won't let you! I can't believe you 're even asking for permission. How old are you 12. Good God in the nicest and respectful way please do get a grip

Time to grow up- even more that you're mother yourself.

You have said its your house and you are an adult so just do what you want and dont tell her, She will see it when she visits and by then it will be too late 😀

Is this for real ?

I would book a decorator and get them to have finished by the next time she returns.
End of argument.
And just say My House, my rules... on repeat whenever she starts.
If she wants to carry out her threat - let her.
The price you are paying for childcare from this woman is too high.

The thing is, it would be easy for me to blithely say that the OP should just find other childcare. I have no idea whether she can afford to - even people who earn a really high salary can feel as though they are beggered by nursery fees.

Freaking out because the OP wants to change her wallpaper is odd. But how much oddness can one tolerate in return for free childcare? It’s probably a fair bit.

I’d leave the wallpaper until the children are in school. But then I am quite lazy.

@Winter2012 id find My own childcare and limit the amount of time she was in my house.
The set form boundaries and tell her no more controlling.

It's your house, you do what the hell you want.

We have to accept sometimes that our "beloved parents with a few quirks" are actually narcissists/control freaks who try to make everything about them. You can either succumb to them and let them rule your life, find strategies to deal with them, or just do what you want anyway & accept any consequences.

Assuming that she is amazing with the kids, they like being with her and that she is saving you a lot of money- then personally I’d put up with her controlling ways (I am in a similar situation with a frequently controlling/criticizing parent - but it’s worth it to me as my DC benefit so much being with their grandparents who are brilliant with them). It’s just decor after all, it won’t be forever.

But if you don’t want/need the childcare then tell her where to go - it is your home after all.