Mum won’t allow me to change my wallpaper

[Winter2012]

So long story short, cat has scratched up wallpaper in the hallway. I want to remove the wallpaper, plaster and paint it as I’m less likely to get problems with the cat damaging the wallpaper again. My mum doesn’t allow me to do it, stating that it is just one wall that is damaged and it’s a really nice wallpaper. She’s literally making a HUGE deal about it and is making me feel guilty and actually putting me off doing it. It is my owned property that I paid for. She only comes to visit to see her grandkids. But she’s making it her whole business calling me “mental” for changing the wall because of the cat scratching it. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, other than to ask if she is being unreasonable? Do I take down the wallpaper and paint the walls or not?

Change the wallpaper and book some counselling so that you can explore why you are letting your mother erode your boundaries. Am sure you love her, but it really is none of her business.

What do you mean she doesn't allow you? In your own house? I think you'd benefit a lot by seeing her a lot less...

This
Run for the hills.
One you are allowed to repair your house
And Two - it was very rude and disrespectful to call you 'mental'- for any reason.
If it was me I would gone 'mental'

• obnoxious woman.

This must really get you down

Ignore what your mum says and do what you want, it's your home. My mum was like that but I never took any notice.

Will she actually stop minding the dcs or is she just threatening it? I'd call her bluff, she has a lot to lose over something that isn't anything to do with her!

My mum once forbade me to buy an ottoman bed. She thought they were a waste of money and too gimmicky. I was in my 30s…. But I still obeyed 😂😂 came to my senses a few years later and these days I make my own decisions, most of which she disapproves of. But I know that dynamic of feeling trapped and controlled. You may be getting the childcare for free OP but you are paying in other ways.

This.
Have I got this right - you own your own home but your mum says you can't change your wallpaper?!
I'd say "appreciate your opinion, but you know I'm not 5 anymore, right?! I'm changing it.. Now would you like a cup of tea??" 😁

@Winter2012 theres obviously a vast backstory here and wallpaper sagas are the tip of the iceberg. It’s easy for people here to shout about finding other childcare and doing whatever you want but I’m guessing that if this was an option you had you wouldn’t be asking for advice.

How did your mother come to have such control over you?

What would you like to happen and what are our options for getting healthy boundaries in place?

I thought you were going to say you were 14 and want to paint your bedroom black.

Not that you're an adult person with your own decor choices to make!

1. Sort new childcare.
2. Sort new wallpaper.
3. Get a shedload of counselling.

She's only being controlling because you let her.
Would she really stop childcare just because you changed your wallpaper?! That's insane.
Can you afford to put your child in nursery /childminders, then that's one less thing to stress about, that she could ditch you and her grandchild for you "not doing as you're told." 🙄

So sort out alternatives! Weird!!

She does my childcare whilst I’m at work and she will stop doing this if I take off the wallpaper without her permission

Then you need to change your childcare options first.

Think this through OP - you are being controlled and manipulated which is bad enough but now you are putting your own children at risk of being mentally, physically and emotionally abused too. Protect your children by stopping contact with an abusive person - start with the childcare.

This is not about wallpaper op. This is about control. Take yours back - time for new childcare, and less interaction with your mother.

Like pps I am wondering why you would choose to leave your children with someone you have said is controlling you and making you run everything by her despite you being a grown adult with your own home which you bought yourself and children too... Stop

If she’s going to hold childcare over you as a control tactic it’s time to sort out other arrangements. Your house decor is absolutely none of her business, it’s ridiculous.

It's your house, the only person who decides what it's decorated like is you. You need to be very clear with your mum that she doesn't get to make decisions about your home or your life. Some people can be incredibly controlling, and we let them get away with it because they're family. It's even harder when it's someone - like a parent - who we did once have to answer to, and ask permission from.

But you are an adult now, and the dynamic needs to be changed between the two of you.

If your mother controls your life to that extent, you really need to unmesh.

It's beyond unhealthy.

I'm missing something- it's your house, how does your mum stop you from decorating? How can she not allow it?
It sounds like your relationship with her is the problem more than your wallpaper problem.

Panelling would sort out the scratching problem. Sorting out the problem of your mum thinking she has any input whatsoever or any right to any input in her adult daughter's life might take a bit longer.

Your mum is crackers to think she has any say in what you do in your house. It doesn't matter whether she does childcare or not, it's literally nothing to do with her.

You need to grow up and stop being so pathetic. You’re an adult!

What fecking age are you! Does your mum rule your life! Stand up for yourself and Tell her to jog on!

If she's threatening to stop looking after your children if you change wallpaper, then that's an added incentive to change the wallpaper. You can get your wall looking better and get your children away from this controlling drama queen as an added bonus. Time to get them alternative childcare and decide on decorating plans!

What an absolutely horrible thing to say. You have no idea what has led to this controlling dynamic.

Maybe you need to grow up and stop being so unpleasant.