Mum won’t allow me to change my wallpaper

[Winter2012]

So long story short, cat has scratched up wallpaper in the hallway. I want to remove the wallpaper, plaster and paint it as I’m less likely to get problems with the cat damaging the wallpaper again. My mum doesn’t allow me to do it, stating that it is just one wall that is damaged and it’s a really nice wallpaper. She’s literally making a HUGE deal about it and is making me feel guilty and actually putting me off doing it. It is my owned property that I paid for. She only comes to visit to see her grandkids. But she’s making it her whole business calling me “mental” for changing the wall because of the cat scratching it. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, other than to ask if she is being unreasonable? Do I take down the wallpaper and paint the walls or not?

WTAF have I just read?!

This is YOUR home, not hers.

Do what you want to do in your own house, it's got nothing to do with your mum.

I had this with my cats and I really liked the wallpaper. I took the bottom half off, added a dado rail and painted the bottom. Could this be a compromise? I'm sorry you have this with your mum, mine was similar and I've been nc for 8 years now. Hope you manage to sort something though, the scratched wallpaper look isn't a good one, I used to dread opening the front door!

Do you really want your kids being around such a controlling person? Can you not find a childminder or a crèche? This is crazy, telling you what to do in your own home and blackmailing you into it. What a horrible woman.

It is yr mum u refer as someone like firstly I find that strange. Secondly she is in yr life & u know hw she is therefore find ways to deal with her responses otherwise you will be forever seeking advice from strangers. I hav learnt to deal with ppl whatever level of understanding they re at and reduce my expectations, I am happier

Why should she compromise to please her batshit mother?

you sound as though you need a break from your mum OP.

And to regroup. So have that break, do whatever decorating you need then resume limited contact with her?

Just a suggestion as it was something I did myself and was pleased with the result.

Is this a serious post? You’re an actual adult, whose bought a house and had children and yet you allow ( and yes, you are allowing) your mother to dictate to you what you can and cannot do in your own home. And it’s to the point that if you don’t get her permission o do things, she will punish you!

im sorry but you need to grow up, you’re no longer a child. Tell her straight that you will be doing what you see fit in future and she can like it or leave.

You cannot "talk it out" with a narc.

I'm sorry, I know it probably saves money, is cinvinent etc, but I think you need new childcare. Your child is being jointly raised with a selfish control freak, that's not good for either of you!

Let's see the wallpaper.
Is it some Michael Angelo masterpiece?

So, caring for her grandchildren is conditional. Where’s the love? If she were your romantic partner/husband this would be classed as coercive behaviour and should end asap. She will destroy you. Already, you don’t have the confidence/self-esteem to confront her. Get your life back. You deserve much better.

Op has given her mother that control. Op is a grown woman with her own life. She either takes back control and gets on with it like every other adult or carries on being the child. If her mother does with hold childcare then op shouldn't be working if she can't afford proper childcare.

A neighbour tried to use me as free childcare fuck right off. As an adult you have to take responsibility for your own life.

@Careertimenow - from what I have read on here, I suspect that the OP is mired deep in FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - caused by a life of being controlled by her narcissistic mother.

For someone in her position, it can be nigh impossible for her to simply ‘take back control and get on with her life’. If it was easy, she would have stripped the wallpaper and painted the hall by now - but it isn’t, not for her.

This is called 'enmeshment' it's not healthy. I had a similar situation with my mum about 15 years ago. I took back control, got my own childcare, took away the keys she had to my house. I suggest you do the same.

My mum didn't talk to me for 2 months but she did readjust herself and learnt to respect my autonomy over the next year ir 2 with a bit of reminding here and there. You need to take the lead on ending the enmeshment. You'll feel stronger afterwards. I wish you the best with it.

Does she really struggle with change? I can’t think why else it would bother her so much. Either way though, it doesn’t actually matter what she wants the walls to look like as she doesn’t even live there. I would be very wary about having her as your sole childcare provider though if she would take it away because of something as small as this. Aren’t you terrified of upsetting her in case you do something wrong and she takes the childcare away? 😬

Wrong thread?

How did you guess?!

Realised the moment I read the preceding post as when I started typing I was on a completely different page. But reported asap and it seems like the fab moderators have done a sterling job in removing it very quickly, so thanks to them.

Just do it, OP. As Berne said. feel the fear and do it anyway.

Do what you want and don’t negotiate with her. If she stops doing childcare, well it’s her loss too as she won’t get to see her grandchildren as much. The key is to take your power back.

You do that by decorating, being assertive and confident and seeming to not care what she threatens you with.

You: “ ok mum I’ve decorated … looks great doesn’t it ?” ( said with smile)

Mum: “ well I’m not happy and won’t be childminding anymore”

You: “ Ok Mum, I thought you’d need a rest so I’ve found another child minder” ( said with smile)

Mum slinks off looking shocked that you dared to disobey her and disappointed she’s no longer controlling you

She sounds like a nightmare. If she's that controlling, I'm betting that despite her threats, she won't actually withdraw from childcare - that would reduce her sphere of influence too much. Call her bluff! It's your home, and your decision.

Why are you even giving this any headspace? It’s your home! You can do exactly what you like in it, you need nobody’s permission! Your mum is way out of line here! Just say nothing and do what you want with it and don’t entertain conversation about it any further.

Is the children’s DF around or are you in your own? If there is a father at home , it would be interesting to see his take on this.