Mum won’t allow me to change my wallpaper

[Winter2012]

So long story short, cat has scratched up wallpaper in the hallway. I want to remove the wallpaper, plaster and paint it as I’m less likely to get problems with the cat damaging the wallpaper again. My mum doesn’t allow me to do it, stating that it is just one wall that is damaged and it’s a really nice wallpaper. She’s literally making a HUGE deal about it and is making me feel guilty and actually putting me off doing it. It is my owned property that I paid for. She only comes to visit to see her grandkids. But she’s making it her whole business calling me “mental” for changing the wall because of the cat scratching it. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, other than to ask if she is being unreasonable? Do I take down the wallpaper and paint the walls or not?

I really wish people would stop been mean to you here. I'm like you. Turned out I have adhd prob a bit of autism but mainly adhd. If someone said i couldn't do something I wouldn't. Or made.me feel guilty. At one point I felt I wasn't even able to decorate my own home as I felt guilty for not using the decorator I had always used. So we didn't decorate as I couldn't afford the fees. I learnt to just not say anything and reminding yourself you do what you want not what others want. I've been better since meds it's like the lights came on

Why are you enabling this controlling behaviour by continuing to run things by her? Just do it. Its your house. You could glitter the bloody walls if you wanted to! She doesn't get a vote. If she doesn't like it, she can see the kids round hers.

I wouldn't even dream of discussing my decor with my mother! You need to do what you want to do. Would you tell her how to decorate her home? Would she be happy if you did? No, so if she carries on explain it's actually none of her business how you choose to decorate your home.

Laugh when she talks about it. “ mum, I’m x years old, it’s my house. I’m not 6 any more” Treat it as something you don’t take seriously. She’ll soon shut up.

Okay, this dynamic has to stop. You’re a woman, not a child.

This is about who decides they have power. You could be a bitch and say “if you don’t let me change the wallpaper, you’ll not get to see your grandchild”

But you wouldn’t, because that’s nasty and ridiculous. Now turn it around. Why is she doing these things to you? Because she’s nasty and ridiculous.

Never take favours from nasty people. I would be sorting out proper childcare ASAP. And deciding right now that she can’t tell me what to do anymore! 💐

It's all very well telling the OP to find other childcare.

Where I live, it's £80 a day per child in nursery.

She may not be able to fund that.

@Winter2012 Are you a single parent? How old are your children?

To repurpose a favourite MN saying, you don’t have a wallpaper problem (or even a cat problem), you have a DM problem.

You need to sort out different childcare, and see less of her.

She's controlling you, an adult. I expect she's controlled you all through your childhood, trained you to just do what she says. And now she's in charge of your children, getting their training off to a flying start. I'm pretty sure that's not what you want to be happening, so - sort out different childcare. ((hug))

Find new childcare
Change the locks (assume she has a key)
Change the wallpaper

Tell her to butt out of your own decisions made as an adult.

You could call her bluff. ‘I’m not asking for your permission or your approval mum. And if you want to punish me and the children for that by withdrawing childcare so I can’t work, have to go on benefits and probably have to sell the house and find somewhere to rent so I can claim housing benefit, then so be it; I can’t force you to help me and the children. You’re obviously too enmeshed with our lives if you think you can blackmail me into doing what you want by holding the threat of childcare over my head so perhaps a bit of distance would do us all good. What would you like me to tell the rest of the family when they ask why we’ve had to move away?’

Or just do it. And when she complains that you obviously don’t value her opinion so she’s not doing childcare anymore, ask her if she’s really serious about not wanting to see her grandchildren again (obviously not to be said while the children are there) simply to punish you for daring to redecorate your own home, and does she realise how insane that sounds.

But this does all depend on you being able to find either alternative childcare or alternative employment. That needs to be your absolutely top priority. Once you’ve got that sorted, she can shove her childcare. In the meantime, you simply can’t tell her what you’re planning on doing. Just do it.

Absolutely this!

See the effect she’s had on you! She’s worn you down and controlled you over the years so you’re scared to change your wallpaper in your own house! This is incredibly sad.

Do you not think about what effect she’s having on your DC? She’ll be slowly but surely undermining their developing self esteem and messing with their head. Don’t let her do that. You need to find new childcare as a priority. It will cost more but think of it as an investment in your DC’s future mental health.

As for the wallpaper, do what you want. It’s up to you - you’re an adult and you’re not indebted to your mum. Yes, it’s probably the texture of the wallpaper. My cats destroyed our textured wallpaper and it was impossible to stop them whatever we tried.

Then you're going to have to find another way.

This is ridiculous

Dear Mum,

Are you really, actually, telling me that if I redecorate my home, owned by me, how I want, you will refuse to look after your grandchildren any more because you think I should decorate my home how you think is best?

I cannot live my life worrying about whether you approve of all my actions. I am an adult and entitled to make my own decisions about my life and my home.

Surely you don’t really believe I should follow your wishes rather than my own in how my home is decorated? I can hardly believe that could be true, as you brought me up to have self-respect, but if it is please let me know so that I know where I stand and can consider my options for the future.

Much love,
Winter

Omg, for this I would change it.

Bloody hell.
Sorry OP, but if you "weren't that far gone",
I'd seriously advise you to go no contact and move away as far as possible 😳

I presume your mum is from a generation and background where redecorating due to relatively minor damage on one area of a wall would be seen as extremely wasteful and indulgent. She may well believe that as she has sacrificed a lot for you over the years, and is now sacrificing her own freedom in order to save you money on childcare costs, that you should be equally careful in saving money. Perhaps she feels that by withdrawing the free childcare you might learn to appreciate the value of money more. Of course in an ideal world she'd express these feelings clearly and openly, but I don't know many people with the self-awareness and emotional maturity to do so. People suggesting she's unfit to look after children are totally overreacting.

You don’t have to do ANYTHING your mother says. This problem is at your end and you need to find the way to do what feels right to you. Then the problem will vanish however much she goes on about cats or wallpaper or whatever.

Get rid of the bloody wallpaper AND her! You need new childcare - I wouldn’t be leaving my children with her!

What generation would that be? If the OP has young dc then her mum is hardly likely to be of the wartime 'make do and mend' generation, is she?

In any case, we digress. I strongly suspect that this wallpaper obsession is only the tip of a very large iceberg and that the OP is very much under the thumb.

OP, the only mistake you made is telling her you were going to do it. When you are being controlled by someone else to this extent, don't tell them what you are going to do. Then they can't have an opposing opinion on it.

Kindly, grow up and stop feeling sorry for yourself over something so ridiculous. It's not that you she's not letting you change the wallpaper. It's that you are buying into her bullshit. Do you honestly think being ordered about by your mother is acceptable and what other adults do?

Why are you allowing someone so controlling to have sole charge of your children?

No way is this true. If it is, find alternative child care and do whatever you want with the wallpaper.

This is not normal.
How you decorate is nothing to do with her.
Her stopping childcare if you disobey her, please sort out alternative childcare. That's not healthy for kids to be around someone like that!

Why wouldn't it be?
My mum blackmailed me into a termination. She paid the deposit on my car when I was 17 and every time I did something she didn't approve of, she would threaten to sell the car

She had an absolute screaming fit at me when I was 19 because I got a second set of ear piercings

She would also tell me how fat I was and how such a person had such a beautiful petite blonde daughter. Also how much fatter than her I was (I was a 14, she was a 26)

When I broke my ankle and foot, 3hrs after leaving hospital she made me make her a cup of tea and when I couldn't carry it with my crutches she told me i could crawl and carry it

I could be here all day