Mum won’t allow me to change my wallpaper

[Winter2012]

So long story short, cat has scratched up wallpaper in the hallway. I want to remove the wallpaper, plaster and paint it as I’m less likely to get problems with the cat damaging the wallpaper again. My mum doesn’t allow me to do it, stating that it is just one wall that is damaged and it’s a really nice wallpaper. She’s literally making a HUGE deal about it and is making me feel guilty and actually putting me off doing it. It is my owned property that I paid for. She only comes to visit to see her grandkids. But she’s making it her whole business calling me “mental” for changing the wall because of the cat scratching it. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, other than to ask if she is being unreasonable? Do I take down the wallpaper and paint the walls or not?

I've never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life. Don't let your mother treat you like a little kid who can't make her own decisions.

Going forward you don't mention anything you plan to do just to do it. Then she then can't object.

Will she actually stop the childcare - or is that just your fear and conditioning kicking in? If she does - would she do it in her home or the prefered option can you pay for or source alternative childcare?

Going forward aim to be less dependent on here as teh less you are the less input she has on anything you do - it's why we've moved further away from family. We've also learnt just ignoring often means it gets dropped because what they say doesn't matter.

Sometimes what we've ended up doing looks better or is better than they thought and they say that despite their intail opinion.

The texture wall paper could be hinding bad plaster - but it could also have been a fashion choice at the time - last house we took some off and found decent plaster behind - and if not you could just put lining paper and new wall paper.

This is miserable, Your Mother does not have to give her permission, she can have an opinion. But it is not OK for her to blackmail you with threats of refusing child care if she doesn't get her way.
But if you are constantly broke, or she has to bail you out. then I could see that she might be peeved that you are "wasting money".
Ideally you should say, "OK, I have found another solution" & get her out of your house, then paint the hall.
Basically you should neither discuss it or tell her. Just get on with your life in your own home

I understand OP. I’ve been in controlling and coercive situations in my life and you start doubting everything you think.

It’s inappropriate for her to behave the way she is. Put down small boundaries and slowly withdraw from needing her approval. Don’t react to her.

if you can, consider alternative care for your children. You need to protect them
and it’s not healthy for them to see the dynamic between you and her. How would you feel if one of them becomes her next target?

Honestly OP time to sort out new childcare. Your DM sounds nuts, and if she's threatening to withdraw childcare over your choice of wallpaper (code for "do exactly as I say, all the time, else I'll punish you") the she's too toxic to be around your kids anyway. Plus being proactive and sorting childcare before she withdraws it at some random moment is going to make your life easier in that sense.

You do not need your mothers permission.
Stop running shit by her. If it's not her house and she's not paying for it then it's none of her business.

Get it done and when she says something you need to tell her you will do what you like with the home that you pay for and you aren't asking her permission.

Not sure I would like someone like your mum providing childcare

I’d beg to differ.

OP has no doubt suffered a lifetime of emotional abuse and coercive control from her mother. It wouldn’t have started just now when she’s an adult.

She will have been groomed by her mother since childhood into accepting this behaviour, and fearing the consequences if she challenges her authority; these kind of patterns are not easy to break and you are essentially victim blaming with what you’re saying here. Far from OP “letting” her mother control her, it will have started when OP had absolutely no power over the situation at all, and will have been normalised over years, decades even.

OP, I agree with pp that finding alternative childcare must be an absolute priority for you. Apart from anything else, someone who’s this level of controlling (and she is extremely controlling) will damage your DC too. I don’t suppose this will be easy financially but you really need to explore every other option. Far more urgently than sorting out the scratched up wallpaper, in fact!

Her continuing to do it is giving her the power to continue to control and emotionally abuse you. Threatening to withdraw the childcare that enables you to work is a dreadful thing to do, and shows no love or care for either you or your DC. Which again is why you need to stop entrusting your DC to her.

You need to know this isn’t normal, not remotely. As you say, it’s your house that you’ve paid for, and you get the choose the decor - your reason here is perfectly sound but the fact it’s your home means it can be for any reason you choose! And she should have no say in it whatsoever. Let her put that wallpaper up in her own home if she loves it so much.

And you need to get some support around breaking away from your controlling mother. If affording counselling or similar is an issue, you might be able to get some support via your GP or from a free service local to you (they’re rare, but they do exist). Or you could post on the Stately Homes thread, or start your own thread on the Relationships board - or just get this one moved to Relationships.

One of the biggest strengths of MN is that there is an army of women here who’ve experienced coercive control/emotional abuse from parents and/or partners and so there’s a huge amount of collective understanding and wisdom around these issues. So many women have been empowered to leave abusive partners or stand up to abusive parents (coercive control is recognised in law as a form of abuse), with support from other women here.

Good luck.

Sorry OP, but your mum sounds bonkers.

One of the great joys of being a homeowner is getting to decorate exactly how YOU want!

OP, obviously you should be able to do what you want in your own home, but you can see from people on here, that the relationship with your mum is not healthy. Ignore the nasty comments, nobody has any idea what your life is like and what childhood you have had.

IF you can find/afford other childcare then make new arrangements and stop using your mum.

If you can't then you are stuck, but you are still allowed to change your decor. Call her bluff and do what you want.

Presuming that you can afford it, and aren't in debt to her or anyone else, then just go ahead and do it. If you aren't doing it yourself, then ask friends for recommendations, and then get 2-3 quotes so you are sure that you aren't overspending.

If you do this, and your mum does drop your childcare, then you will be forced to find other arrangements and that might be for the best anyway.

Don't let anyone else dictate what you do in your own home . She sounds controlling. Get looking for alternative childcare she's like this over decorating your home .

Change the wallpaper if you want, it's your house.

But won't the cat scratch it again?

Your problem isn't the wallpaper. Your problem is that you are allowing your mother to control you. She can't stop you changing the wallpaper in your own house and if she'd really stop looking after your children for that, she doesn't care about you or them. Sort out alternative childcare and stop allowing your mother decide what you do. You're a grown woman - time to stand on your own two feet and take responsibility for your own actions.

Wtaf have I just read ??? You’d think she had given you a kidney to have this level of involvement in your life and choices !!!! And even then it would be totally wrong…..

Find new childcare seriously this isnt normal.

Your problem isn’t the wallpaper honeybun, it’s your mother - basically what you’re saying is that she’s holding you to ransom in your own home. What else do you have to ask ‘permission’ for ? Strip the walls and she’ll stop childcare. OK then. Strip the walls and if she threatens to stop childcare tell her you’ll make alternative arrangements - and remind her that grandparents have no automatic right to see their grandchildren. I would honestly seek alternative childcare anyway and stop contact with her for a while. She wants you scared and submissive but actually you’re the one holding all the cards here not her because this is YOUR home and she doesn’t get over the doorstep again until you say so. At the moment you’re enabling her coercive and controlling behaviour. That’s what needs to stop.

1. Source new childcare.

2. Do what you like in YOUR OWN HOUSE!!

I honestly thought at first that you must be living in your mother's house, in which case what she said would be reasonable. But you're not, so it isn't.

If my mother had ever tried to dictate to me what I should do in my own house then I don't think my response would have been very polite. She wouldn't though, so it won't come up.

This is why OP said I want to remove the wallpaper, plaster and paint it as I’m less likely to get problems with the cat damaging the wallpaper again in her first post.

@Winter2012 I'm absolutely staggered you wrote: "She does my childcare whilst I’m at work and she will stop doing this if I take off the wallpaper without her permission." Then she clearly doesn't care that much about her GC (or you, for that matter). Make alternative child-care arrangements as soon as you can OP, and call her bluff. This is controlling behaviour of epic proportions.

The only reason I could imagine your mum having a say about this is if she bought and paid for the wallpaper and put it up for you in the last few months. If she didn’t then definitely nothing to do with her unless she lives there too.

Hi OP. My mum is like this still and decides everything I can and can't do. It's hard for people to understand how hard it is to break out of this kind of situation. You might want to rethink your childcare but you can do this gradually. You could make alternative arrangements for one small period of time every week. I think it is easy to dispense advice online but it is actually very difficult to follow all that advice when this is all you have ever known. That's why I am suggesting you start small and assert a tiny bit of independence to start with. Responses on here tend to be all or nothing and often don't take into account that your whole life has likely been like that.

Do you think she doesn't want you to have anything nice? Mothers like this often want you to remain downtrodden and less than. Decorating is one way of expressing your individuality and this may be her way of keeping you in your place.

Rest assured you are not the only one who struggles with this sort of dynamic with a controlling mother. And it's shit.

When I read the title of your post, I assumed it was going to be from a teenager wanting to change the wallpaper in her bedroom. I was astonished that it was from an adult woman talking about her own home! How much longer are you going to let her dictate to you like this? (Unhelpfully, I have no useful advice re the wall)

Who put the wallpaper in, you don't know what you'll find underneath, if you paint it what about the other wall opposite, if that's got wallpaper the cat will just scratch that. You can buy cat scratch wall panels if you would rather keep the wallpaper. If this is real,your mum sounds awful so time for new childcare anyway.

I agree it’s difficult. But the gradual approach is a cop out. OP needs to get back in control in her own home and she is holding all the cards - the grandchildren. On her say so her mother doesn’t get back over her doorstep until OP is good and ready, and she doesn’t see her grandchildren again until her piss poor attitude changes. I’d be rethinking ANY contact between my children and someone so controlling and who thinks it’s just fine to use her grandchildren as pawns in her power game.

How about wooden or mdf painted panelling on the bottom half of the wall and keep the wallpaper on the top?

Your mother will continue to interfere as long as you are using her for childcare.