Mum won’t allow me to change my wallpaper

[Winter2012]

So long story short, cat has scratched up wallpaper in the hallway. I want to remove the wallpaper, plaster and paint it as I’m less likely to get problems with the cat damaging the wallpaper again. My mum doesn’t allow me to do it, stating that it is just one wall that is damaged and it’s a really nice wallpaper. She’s literally making a HUGE deal about it and is making me feel guilty and actually putting me off doing it. It is my owned property that I paid for. She only comes to visit to see her grandkids. But she’s making it her whole business calling me “mental” for changing the wall because of the cat scratching it. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, other than to ask if she is being unreasonable? Do I take down the wallpaper and paint the walls or not?

“It’s MY house, mum, and I am a fully grown adult, so I will decorate it as I see fit. If you choose to have a tantrum and refuse to do childcare, I will sort out a nursery place.”

She is controlling you through the threat of removing childcare, @Winter2012, and you can decide not to give in to her blackmail. Her loss. And I tend to agree with the previous poster who asked whether it is good for your dc to be spending time with someone so controlling.

What have I just read?

A grown woman, in her own home having to ask her mother permission to change her wallpaper! Madness.

Being charitable, only way I can see that your mother may have a point would be the following:

You have a habit of taking on DIY jobs that you have no clue how to do, balls it up and rely on you DM to fix it, pay to get it sorted etc. So your mum is warning not to do it. Is that a possibility @Winter2012?

You need different childcare.

Can you find alternative childcare? You need to take a huge step back from your mum.

While I agree OP should be able to do what she wants in her own home and her Mum sounds awful did everyone miss that part where her Mum will refuse to do childcare if she doesn't do as she is told?
Of course thats unreasonable and OP should try and look for alternative childcare but there is an assumption on here that other childcare is available and affordable for OP. It may not be so telling her Mum to get lost etc could cause her a lot of difficulties at least in the short term.

I'm shortly going to remove cat scratched wallpaper for plaster and paint. I'm not going to ask my mother's permission.

When I was a child we had this amazing wallpaper that had woven string vertically and horizontally through the wallpaper. The cat use to run right up the wall and stop at the top near the ceiling and just stay there glued to the wall, watching us from above. It was hilarious to watch.

I'm sorry to hear about you DM. She sounds a massive PITA tbh. Making yet another note-to-self not to be a dick when I am old. I think I already am a bit

Your mum is abusive and needs to be as far away from you and your children as humanly possible. You need to find alternative childcare before she damages your children’s mental health like she has yours. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Has your cat got a scratching post that he can do his cat thing on?

It might have been suggested before, but don't you have cat scratching posts or him to use? He might like a cardboard one, or sisal.

But your mother really is deeply controlling and I'd be telling her to mind her own business - She has no right to dictate terms in your own house!

You also need to get a good scratching post for your cat. If you stop it scratching the wall it will probably start on the furniture

If she is that controlling about changing the wallpaper on your own house, I’m not sure your mum should be looking after your dc.
Even less so if she knows that her doing childcare puts her in control - she can say she’ll stop wo notice doing any childcare and put you in the shit.

Find a good childminder for your dc. Stop your mum doing childcare for you.
And do whatever you want with your walls once that sorted.

You might also look at what it means to be controlling, look at your mum’s behaviour towards you (even better with a counsellor) and wonder about going LC. She sounds toxic tbh.

If she's like this she shouldn't be doing your childcare. God knows what damage she's doing to your kids even if you can't see it yet.

Then find alternative childcare, don’t use someone who tries to hold things over you and control you

How old are your children? If your mother is as controlling and batshit as it sounds then I wouldn't be leaving my children with her.
Just tell her to fuck off with her crazy opinions.

Smile and nodd and do what you want often works surprisingly well in such situations.

However if you really can't face it - try a temp measure of carboard and hessian and tack to the wall so cat scratches that instead - a commercial option
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cat-scratching-mat-self-adhesive-wall-mounted/dp/B0DHH1D1R3/ref=asc_df_B0DHH1D1R3?mcid=516cd78a532735d988fb4644b9857e59&hvocijid=4589365991469753675-B0DHH1D1R3-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4589365991469753675&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045651&hvtargid=pla-2281435177138&gad_source=1&th=1

• and tackel it when you no longer need childcare or feel able to ignore more.

My FIL - builder- once managed to delay us getting flooring down in cold kitchen - we'd done everything else and room was still cold. He thought the tiles were expensive - and managed to put DH off covering them. I finally put my foot down and FIL decided he was helping and finding constant reasons not to lay new floor but turned out they were cheap plastic immitation of expensive laid directly onto concete foundation - no wonder it was always cold - but soon as FIL found that he was fine with the plan.

Since then we've both learnt to spot delaying tatics and DH defers less to FIL knowledge. As I said to DH it was our house and we were ones daily inconvience by cold kitchen and paying the heating bills - why the fuck did he let his dad delay us so long.

Why even discuss such things with her if it's not her house?
Just go ahead and do it. My mum disagrees with every single thing I say, even if it's a piece of factual information, or advice that would blatantly be useful. I've just learned to ignore it and say, well, I thought you'd say that. Consequently I never ever believe any suggestions she ever has about anything to me. It's very frustrating. So I feel for you x

Then she’s at best very controlling and at worst unhinged. Is she even fit to look after children?

How old are your kids?

I would be changing the wallpaper to prove a point.

OP you need to get alternative childcare asap.

I know it’s difficult being a single parent but you cannot rely on your mum this much if she is so controlling.

Don’t mention it again.

Buy your cat a cat scratcher/google what is best (my cat never used his expensive one and instead I made a homemade one), else he’ll just do it again.

Start looking for alternative childcare.

Once you know your cat definitely won’t scratch the wallpaper again, then just redecorate it without even mentioning it.
Afterwards when she comes round, if she says anything negative just laugh like she’s joking and say are you being serious it’s my house and I can wallpaper whenever I want to.

(Shut your cat away if needs be, else she’ll just say I told you so).

With controlling mothers it’s really important to give them as little say over your life as possible, as they will use this against you.

My mum is like this. It's why I live 250 miles away from her.

Just calmly go ahead and change it. If she kicks off just calmly respond with "but it's my house".

get a grip of your life and grow up

Utterly ridiculous. Tell Mum to Fuck Off and get other childcare.

You can choose not to let this happen.

If nothing else I guess this thread highlights how weird and dysfunctional some peoples family relationships really are.

This is bizarre- your house, your choice. Sounds like you let your mum have way too much involvement in your life