Biggest mistake of my life (relocation). Please help

[Implosion85]

Hi
6 months ago we moved to Wales (Carmarthenshire) from the midlands, purely because we had many happy holidays in Wales and had no family we'd miss and the kids were keen to move too.

We bought a house here and have a small mortgage

The reality of the situation is different to what we imagined. Firstly, I have been unable to get a job, despite applying constantly and going to interview. I am a teacher and apply to English speaking schools obvs. I was a senior leader in my previous school and have excellent references and outstanding ofsteds, but no luck here My self esteem is now rock bottom.

My husband has also been unable to get a job. He was self employed. As a result of me not getting a job, he is still working during the week in the Midlands and travelling back every Friday evening. It's exhausting and miserable for him.

I'm also desperately lonely and the children miss their dad 😪 I haven't made any friends yet either. I feel really miserable every time I'm asked 'where I'm from' and if I'm on holiday as it makes me feel like such a lonely outsider 😪

Even if my husband was here during the week, I'm not sure how much difference it would make now as I just feel hideous about it all snd want to 'go home'.

My previous school have a vacancy and have asked for me back. But it'd mean renting in the Midlands and then having to try and sell the house here and all that palava as well as paying a mortgage AND rent.

What a nightmare 😪 I don't know what we were thinking of.

Does anyone have any advice? Sympathies?

Please be gentle with me. I've gone on to antidepressants and feel SO delicate

Thank you. He is stubborn at the best of times and I think he is showing signs of dementia. I can't persuade him. I sometimes wonder what he'd do if I just said I'm off. It seems we can't both have what we want.

It's beautiful but it isn't home, I hate small town life. Being beautiful isn't everything, I used to love to go to the beach but I never go now, it is a mile away and I haven't been in nearly a year. I had a good job which helped but I'm retired now so it just feels like a huge void, they call it God's waiting room as so many old people retire here. It is an apt name.

I've done what you've done except we were renting at that point so no houses to buy and sell. DH couldn't find a job in the new place, I had a job and I absolutely utterly loved our new location. It was amazing.

Due to various reasons we decided to move back but every single day I think we should've struck it out for a bit longer. I wish we had stayed there.

Maybe give it more time? But if you need to move back, at least you'll know that you tried living in this new place.

I think things might get better for your when DH gets a job in Wales.

Sometimes it will work out sometimes it just dont.
I lived in a flat once posh area of town and i hated it i got told to give it time i did 5 long years and still hated it. (its a long story)
I finally moved about 30 mins up the road to a housing estate ive been here ever since im so happy to be here.
Not the same situation as you but just saying sometimes you just can't settle when you feel so off in a place.

Go back! Take the job, suck up the hassle and cost of relocating, and be glad you are in a position to go back.

I'd say move back to England. I moved to Wales, not because I had a fondness for the place but my partner was born and bred here and when we wanted to start a family it was the best option. I've been here 10 years and still feel like an outsider and very lonely at times. I've experienced a lot of nasty nationalism/anti Englishness (although I have also met lots and lots of lovely friendly locals!) and I seriously miss my family. And I know I'll never be considered a local as such.

You are really really going to struggle to get a job teaching in Carmarthenshire if you can't speak good Welsh as they'll always be plenty of people who can in that part of Wales and it's very important in Carmarthenshire.

There are things you can do to make friends, join local groups etc, learn Welsh, but in West Wales people are often part of the same communities all their lives, have very strong long established friendships which can be hard to infiltrate! There are probably quite a few people who have moved there though that will know how you feel, if you can find them. I have been very lonely and very miserable in Wales, it's not even like the weather is nice, and desperate to move 'home'. However the children are very settled and we have good jobs so I'm kind of stuck as it'd be selfish for me to move everyone just for me.

Good luck, and take care

Do you need proficiency in the Welsh language to be able to get a teaching post?
If so, that's going to be a problem, it's a difficult language to learn for fun, let alone for to have to learn it for a teaching post. It could take 2 years or more to reach basic standard.
Have you got 2 years?
Will your husband also need to speak Welsh for his job?

I think you should've looked into the requirements for teachers in Wales as regards to bilingualism BEFORE you moved.

Anyway, it's done now, and it can be undone.

Get a teaching job in the midlands, and move back.

Don't be unhappy anymore. ♥️

I feel for you. Can you now, while he isn't actually demented and you are retired, at least have some adventures on your own and with him? Get out of Devon, visit friends and family, do a residential course or volunteer somewhere with accommodation included, just to give yourself a break from the monotony of it all.

I felt mad with boredom in our little village once DC left home. I went off on my own on adventures and retreats - all low cost. It helped so much, and gave me the guts I needed to say to DH, I have to leave this place and if you won't, I have to leave you too. We ended up with a compromise we're both happy with and are moving soon.

I agree with @Giggorata : "I would grab that vacancy at your old place, rent somewhere and get the Welsh house on the market."

This feels big because you made an error, but it's fixable, and soon you will look back on this and realise it wasn't as big as you thought it was.

I moved back to Wales. It was a bizarre few years where I was considered local by some and an outsider still by others (I was away for a long time) I couldn’t get a job locally for a good few years because generally jobs go to people that are known so more than just language and Wales breeds teachers so you are up against a lot of competition. You may have to travel 30-50 miles for a job. If I look back in lots of ways I should have stayed in the city.

I sympathise with the OP, but mainly with this poster.
You are not alone.
Life throws funny (not ha ha) situations at us.
💝

Sorry, caringcarer, the poster you quoted. 😁

Hey I just wanted to say I've moved to Wales from Bristol and I know how you are feeling .

It's strange when you move somewhere new and you don't really know anyone. It's only been six months tho and it does take while to settle I've been here 7 years now.

If you really can't get work there then it may be a case of moving but there was a reason you wanted to leave your hometown and thats what I tell myself when I have a wobble

By me theres more English speaking schools so maybe you could stay in Wales just a different location.

I haven't had any trouble infact the opposite but I do get the comments , why did you move here but it's a nicer area than what we had plus kids go to nice schools and have made friends.

Maybe it's where you go in Wales Im not sure but everyone by me are really friendly and welcoming maybe I was lucky.

I can empathise, we did a relocated during lockdown, so I know how hard it can be, 6 mths is a short period of time when life has changed so significantly. Think about the reasons why you moved? Are you happy in your new property? Does it feel like home? If you had found a teaching job would you feel settled? How are your children dealing with the move? I know the Welsh system is a bit different. Personally I would keep applying, and give it a bit more time, if you still feel the same in 6mths then, you have tried and if it hasn’t worked move again. Good luck going forward, wishing you all the best.

I would for sure move back. Sorry it didn't work out, at least you can say you tried 🩷

Gosh what a conundrum OP. I have to say an ex teaching colleague of mine moved to Wales and never got a permanent job. They got occasional maternity covers in areas like Port Talbot but as someone said up thread, Wales does produce a lot of their own teachers who have Welsh. Eventually they gave up and moved to doing on line distance tuition.

I also had a neighbour who had a holiday home there ~ they moved it to it with a view to relocating and moved back within six months. Just too remote and too difficult to integrate. I say this just to reassure you that you’re not alone.

Are your children settled? How would a move back affect them? Could you move back to a more rural part of the Midlands? Sort of a mini relocation?

In the end it’s just economics isn’t it? If you can’t work, what choice do you have?

Hi OP,
Imagine you are back in the midlands, working at your old school and your husband has continued his self employment. Your kids back at their old schools or in a new one. Renting an OK house. How do you feel? Relieved and happy? or fed up to be back living your old life?

If you would be relieved and happy to have your old life back (or at least a similar one) then go get your old life back. Perhaps it is a case of you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?

If you would be fed up back in the midlands and still looking for a different life then I think it is worth thinking more deeply about what you can either do to make the Wales move a success or moving again but not back to your old town. You could look into how the finances stack up to get a teaching job abroad for example and rent your Welsh house out using an agency.

If you want to take the job at your old school I think a previous poster had a good idea that you could be the one to live in the midlands during the week while your husband stayed with the kids and you could get a transition organised for your kids for September.

Well done on trying, so many people just wish they had, grab the job and relocate

I try but he is disabled, physical problem going back years, so I am his carer. Any trips are short but they are a lifesaver for me.

So lovely that you have worked something out.

Thank you. People understanding means a lot.

Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on!
We had a miserable year once in a miserable house. The minute we moved we agreed we would never discuss it ever again. And we haven't.

This strikes me as excellent advice. My DSonIL is an excellent teacher, and in the end he and DD gave up on moving to Wales. They rented out their house at enough to cover the mortgage, rented back in England until they could buy, and sold their house there (which took longer than you might think). If you're not a Welsh speaker (even in a largely English-speaking area) it seems that you will struggle to get a job in a school in Wales.

It takes up to 2/3 years to actually settle in a place and I know things are difficult and if you could just get a job things would be so much better.

How would you feel about moving back and taking the job? This is something you really need to think about.
Can you not join any hobby clubs etc help make new friends.
Plenty of advise on here but take your time and do not make impulsive decision. What does your husband think?

Same OP. I would sell up and rent. Take the job. Don't be me. I moved because my DH always wanted to live in the country. Children settled in schools and are happy. I have really tried to make it work over the years but just hate my village. No one knows. I get on with it but I always wonder if we stayed how life would of been. One day when my children have flown the nest, I will move away. You took a gamble. Wished it was different for you but you would of never of known unless you moved. Goodluck with everything..