Biggest mistake of my life (relocation). Please help

[Implosion85]

Hi
6 months ago we moved to Wales (Carmarthenshire) from the midlands, purely because we had many happy holidays in Wales and had no family we'd miss and the kids were keen to move too.

We bought a house here and have a small mortgage

The reality of the situation is different to what we imagined. Firstly, I have been unable to get a job, despite applying constantly and going to interview. I am a teacher and apply to English speaking schools obvs. I was a senior leader in my previous school and have excellent references and outstanding ofsteds, but no luck here My self esteem is now rock bottom.

My husband has also been unable to get a job. He was self employed. As a result of me not getting a job, he is still working during the week in the Midlands and travelling back every Friday evening. It's exhausting and miserable for him.

I'm also desperately lonely and the children miss their dad 😪 I haven't made any friends yet either. I feel really miserable every time I'm asked 'where I'm from' and if I'm on holiday as it makes me feel like such a lonely outsider 😪

Even if my husband was here during the week, I'm not sure how much difference it would make now as I just feel hideous about it all snd want to 'go home'.

My previous school have a vacancy and have asked for me back. But it'd mean renting in the Midlands and then having to try and sell the house here and all that palava as well as paying a mortgage AND rent.

What a nightmare 😪 I don't know what we were thinking of.

Does anyone have any advice? Sympathies?

Please be gentle with me. I've gone on to antidepressants and feel SO delicate

One of the most calming things that's ever been said to me, and I picture the lovely lady I used to work with saying it is 'theres nothing that can't be sorted'.

Are there any other options than moving back to your old place if you had reasons for fancying a move? Someone more knowledgeable said language would be a problem in Welsh schools (or in Carmarthenshire at least), maybe somewhere in England that would be a change of scene rather than moving back? Carry on the commute and both find jobs first, see if you can find a temp job or online tutoring meanwhile?

A friend of mine did similar. Moved from a big city to north wales.
Gave up good jobs and thought it would be lovely because they’d had wonderful holidays there.
She commuted to the city for about 3 years while he struggled to find work. Eventually got a minimum wage job in a supermarket. She found the commute unsustainable and so got herself a minimum wage job in a similar field.
Now several years later they are flat broke. Can’t afford treats, holidays, no luxuries for their kids. They’ve stuck it out but life is hard and I’m not sure they’d do it again.
As you’ve discovered jobs in wales are hard to come by. Honestly I would give it up and come back home before it feels like there’s no going back. I wouldn’t want that life for my kids. There’s much more opportunity in England

@Oblomov24 suggesting to the OP that she should feel foolish is not even remotely helpful to her. Most of the other posters are trying to make her feel better. You're being an arsehole.

@RiderOfTheBlue
No. I'm just suggesting she didn't, with hindsight, properly think this through. I'm sure she'd admit to that. How is that being an arsehole ?

Sorry you are so unhappy and have been for so many years, but I’m intrigued, why do you hate South Devon so much?

“Does anyone have any advice? Sympathies?

Please be gentle with me. I've gone on to antidepressants and feel SO delicate”

i have total sympathy. Something that seems good at the time, doesn’t work out. It is a massive culture shock and a different way of life. Many people come to Wales from the midlands but what is right for them perhaps isn’t right for you. Have a nice cup and plot your return.

Plus all those criticising my later posts are not appreciating my many earlier posts eg: I agree with @Giggorata : "I would grab that vacancy at your old place, rent somewhere and get the Welsh house on the market."

This feels big because you made an error, but it's fixable, and soon you will look back on this and realise it wasn't as big as you thought it was.

Is it just the jobs or is it everything?

If you both were employed would it make a big difference?

As an aside, do you feel foolish now? Do you? DO YOU? <rubs thighs>

that’s what folk are hating on btw

I’m so sorry but the reality is that you are unlikely to get a teaching post in Carmarthenshire without welsh proficiency . Welsh is a protected and promoted language and there is no shortage of candidates who will be relatively decent speakers at the very least. I am so sorry that you have found this out the hard way. I am Welsh but had been living in England for a long time before coming back. My Welsh is basic and I was never able to get a position in my public sector field here (Carmarthenshire ) in the end I changed careers completely. If you want to stay in teaching it is probably best to return to your original home

Hi, I totally empathize. We relocated from Jersey 18 months ago and it feels like the worst decision of our lives. We left well paid jobs and a lovely house to try and get some education for our autistic son and free up money in our house so we could be with the kids more. We can’t find decent work and I hate the house we bought. We are using up all our capital surviving. We have massively destroyed our retirement options. The children are not that happy. It was a one way ticket and we can’t afford to go back. I don’t know what we were thinking and I can’t sleep for worrying about it. If you can go back to work then I would go now. You tried it, you don’t like it, go back. Best wishes to you x

We relocated like you, 6 years ago, and it's gone very smoothly thankfully. But we were able to move with our existing (remote) jobs and then slowly find new jobs over time. We also threw ourselves into making friends.

I would cut my losses and move back to the Midlands OP. Could you move to somewhere prettier than you lived before, to still get that sense of change and some holiday vibes?

It's really not the end of the world, people have to do this quite regularly. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I’m with @Oblomov24 on this. A simple search reveals many stories of people failing at relocating to Wales. The weather, the locals, the work etc.

I would go back if I was happy in my previous job and the children were happy where we lived.

I would just see this year as a blip.

In light of you having to go onto antidepressants, I think I’d cut my losses and go back to the midlands. Take the job. Rent. Sell the Welsh house.

Also, don’t ever feel ashamed. You took a brave risk and that’s not to be regretted, even though it didn’t work out.

I thought it through, DH wasn't working as disabled, children happy to move, had a 3 month stay before the final move so it wasn't just a holiday, I got a wonderful job - good money and very flexible. I still regret it. I listened to lots of advice like the OP has had on here like give it time, 6 months is nothing and so you get more and more trapped. Hope that helps.

Are you a primary teacher OP? I’m guessing you already know you’ll need basic Welsh if so as Welsh is taught up to age 16 and incidental Welsh is to be used every day in the classroom too. It’s not quite as strict for secondary school teachers but you definitely need to have a certain level of it in primary. Could this be hindering your chance at getting jobs? Also, there’s no money at the moment in schools. It could also be they’re choosing cheaper NQTs and there’s nothing you could do to change that. I think you’ve given it a good go and I would cut my losses and move back. I live in Wales, am Welsh and love it here but I would probably feel the same as you if I upped and moved to the midlands knowing nobody.

I hate my small minded neighbours, the brexit loving immigrant hating people. I hate that my "brown" husband is now just about tolerated after 30 years, funnily enough that bothers me so much more than it bothers him. I hate the wet drab winters and the fact you can't enjoy anything in the summer because the roads are blocked and everything is geared to "the visitors" and prices of everything rockets so traders can make enough money to survive the winter. I hate it because I lived in a big cosmopolitan city with theatres and museums and all sorts of facilities. I hate that the hospitals aren't funded for the population doubling or trebling in the summer and that our schools don't get the funding schools in the cities get, I hate that bright kids have to move away so I am surrounded by families like mine where the kids are hundreds of miles away.

Being within walking distance of a beach, which is so crowded on a nice summer day that you can't even find somewhere to sit, does not make up for all that.

Sorry I have to end it there as I am making myself depressed.

You can leave him you know

Every time I go to Cornwall I’m so glad I don’t live there!

I think Wales has always been insular. Not welcoming. On holidays decades ago we felt this. Wild horses could not drag me there to live.

So OP, move back and just accept the schools in Wales put Welsh above someone with a fabulous track record in education. You can see why Wales doesn’t get the best results. You are probably too young to remember the Not the Nine O’Clock News song about Wales. Look it up and wonder if much has changed in 40 years.

I also think not welcoming people is so sad. I like talking to people and having a social life. I don’t want to be lonely and ignored. So just find a place to live that meets your very normal needs: a job and a social life. Make yourself happy again. Reconnect with life.

I think Wales has always been insular.
Wales covers different areas, and includes Cardiff and Swansea, as well as Carmarthenshire.

In Carmarthenshire, salaries are low, except for those on a national pay scale. Therefore, there's a lot of competition for those few jobs. It doesn't necessarily mean the schools are rejecting someone well-qualified for someone less well-qualified.

Re welcoming people, my parents always felt very welcome, and had a great social life. But obviously people have long established networks, and it takes a while to settle anywhere. If the OP and her husband had been able to get local jobs, I'm sure she'd feel very differently.

@Implosion85 I'm sorry that you feel this way.

We are moving halfway across the country in a few weeks hopefully and not fitting in is a huge thing for me as well. Luckily DH has a remote job so it's only me that needs to quit and find a new job once the house is sorted out.

I think the problem you have when unpacking your OP is you are jobless and he has to spend the week in the midlands which leaves you alone for long periods of time adding to the pressures. Also being from public sector, I get why you want to go back into it but it may be a case of a career change or just even any job to keep you busy. Once you have a job you will make friends and then feel like part of the community.

It may also be worth joining some local clubs, or a group - you don't have to want to be part of the group it's about making friends.

Ive already started making connections on facebook with local groups so at least I 'know' people when i move to where I'm moving to.

6 months is nothing in the scheme of things but I get why you feel like its been a long time.

Realistically you cant be unhappy so you need to have a long talk as a family and see what you can do. You took the chance at a better life which is way more than many others are willing to do so well done on that front.

Take the job and go back. It's not a matter of sticking it out. It's okay to realise it's not what you'd expected and change strategy. Sooner rather than later. makes more sense in this situation. You can recover and regroup, and it's not like good teachers aren't in demand in most places these days, it's just unfortunate you picked the place where your skills will not be wanted so much.

I've had friends with Welsh heritage move to the area their parents came from for a new life and they still sold up after a couple of years having tried really hard but being really depressed by the experience. They still loved a lot about it but realised it wasn't for them and they're much happier having moved back all the wiser for it. Other friends have happily made the move to Cardiff but that's very different to where you are and no comparison really. Go home and don't look back.

Yes I do know but much as I want to move I also don't want to break up my marriage.

Once you have a job you will make friends and then feel like part of the community. Will she? I had a great job, good money, friends at work but since I retired (went part time in another job in run up to retirement) I haven't had one phone call. While I worked there I worked closely with one woman, we got on well I thought. She got married, everyone got invited to the wedding except me, even the new member of staff who had only been there about six months but she was born and bred locally. Ten years later almost the exact same thing happened again.

.
I think in almost 30 years I'd say I have made one real friend, lots of acquaintances. I still hear regularly from friends back home 30 years later.

OP run for home before you get more trapped.