Biggest mistake of my life (relocation). Please help

[Implosion85]

Hi
6 months ago we moved to Wales (Carmarthenshire) from the midlands, purely because we had many happy holidays in Wales and had no family we'd miss and the kids were keen to move too.

We bought a house here and have a small mortgage

The reality of the situation is different to what we imagined. Firstly, I have been unable to get a job, despite applying constantly and going to interview. I am a teacher and apply to English speaking schools obvs. I was a senior leader in my previous school and have excellent references and outstanding ofsteds, but no luck here My self esteem is now rock bottom.

My husband has also been unable to get a job. He was self employed. As a result of me not getting a job, he is still working during the week in the Midlands and travelling back every Friday evening. It's exhausting and miserable for him.

I'm also desperately lonely and the children miss their dad 😪 I haven't made any friends yet either. I feel really miserable every time I'm asked 'where I'm from' and if I'm on holiday as it makes me feel like such a lonely outsider 😪

Even if my husband was here during the week, I'm not sure how much difference it would make now as I just feel hideous about it all snd want to 'go home'.

My previous school have a vacancy and have asked for me back. But it'd mean renting in the Midlands and then having to try and sell the house here and all that palava as well as paying a mortgage AND rent.

What a nightmare 😪 I don't know what we were thinking of.

Does anyone have any advice? Sympathies?

Please be gentle with me. I've gone on to antidepressants and feel SO delicate

How old are the children? Will it be easy to get them back into their previous schools?

I’d move.

im stunned at how brave you were, to not even ensure one of you had a job before going or renting for 6 months and then buy/sell.

just go back. It is unlikely it will improve.

I would ask, how much of not having friends and feeling like an outsider is directly related to the fact that you are struggling to get a job and your self-esteem is low? It might be that you actually just have one problem and if you can solve that it would turn everything around.

I don't know what your work history is, but applying and interviewing in itself is a skill and it might be that if you haven't moved jobs very much, you just haven't built up that skillset. You might find a bit of interview training could help you loads.

Also you do have to make it a bit of a full time job to meet people and make friends in an entirely new area, especially if you aren't working. But if you join some clubs and groups to meet people, even if you aren't normally a clubby sort of person, that human contact should start to make you feel better, even if if it feels a bit forced at first.

The Sunk Cost Fallacy - The Decision Lab

Everyone makes mistakes in life. It's okay. Your husband still has his job. You have been offered one back where you were. Go home. Rent. Put your house on the market.

I think that people underestimate how different the four nations of the UK actually are from each other. It’s easier than France etc in the sense that no visas are required and other things like that, but that doesn’t mean it’s straightforward. Not having a dig OP …just musing.

I like Carmarthenshire a lot for holiday (have been about four times over the last 25 years) but I wouldn’t relocate there. I like visiting it because it’s different to London where I live and was raised …and that’s precisely why I wouldn’t relocate there.

What were your reasons for leaving the Midlands? Will those factors still be there when you return?

I don't know what your work history is, but applying and interviewing in itself is a skill and it might be that if you haven't moved jobs very much, you just haven't built up that skillset. You might find a bit of interview training could help you loads.
I wonder if the thing is, there aren't many jobs in the area, and most schools will know friends of friends who would fit the bill for the vacancy. It's a long time since I was there, but it used to be the case.

If you are thinking of selling, now's a good time, as the area will be full of tourists who will be thinking of making the move.

I’m also curious why you wished to move, why your kids wanted to move. It doesn’t sound like you were happy in the midlands either? Was it a financial decision?

moving without employment is really extreme, and I would suspect jobs are going to locals, who know the culture, the school system, and the language.

examining why you wished to leave is important, as you need to correct that on return.

I've also lived abroad and agree with this. It's the lack of job that's pulling everything down right now

I am from Carmarthenshire and as much I it is always in my heart, I can 100% understand why you may be struggling. Even though it's beautiful. It's not an easy place to find work or integrate.

I am in an immigration situation myself - except I have moved to Germany with my German husband. I want to go home, but he does not want to move back to the UK. I have been here 2.5 years and it's not much different than the first year.

If your heart isn't in it and you're all struggling, then move back. I would in a heartbeat.

You’ve left out the very important information of what the kids think. You say they wanted to move - why was that? How are they feeling about it now?

We did the move years ago. I hated it with a passion. Dh loved it.

Took me 12 years to get back to civilisation

I don’t think I ever forgave him.

Problem was every time I persuaded him to move something happened which meant we stayed longer.

Move back and rent till your Welsh house sells. Just get out of there whilst you can

How easy is it to move the dc back to their old schools? Would they be happy doing that?

I think you should go back on what you’ve said so far

I'd take the job back home. Life is too short to be unhappy.

I moved from rural south to the Midlands with ex and hated every waking second of it. The noise, the dirt, the traffic. 🙁 I was prescribed ADs at the 9 month mark but I didn't take them in the end. There is a difference between being depressed and being unhappy.

I applied for and got a job back down south, and DS and I left after 12 months. Problem solved instantly.

My ex stayed behind. You at least won't have to make that decision. You will be all together. Go where you are happiest. It's much better for your health.

Yes but there is likely nothing wrong with her interview technique, jobs may well be prioritised to locals who know the school system, speak Welsh, etc, as a preferred candidate and a better fit, which would be fair. As such, she’d have no hope for a long long time.

Which part of Wales did you move to?

It’s in the first line of the op!😂

I moved In much the same way but made sure I got the job first never the other way round. I already had friends where I was going.
As you now know Wales can be tricky.
My DS is doing the same right now but they found jobs first and they are going to rent for 6 months and then buy.
Moving without a job offer is lunacy.

I would accept the job back at your old school & try to negotiate not starting back until September to give you a bit of time to get your house on the market at a competitive price and find somewhere suitable to rent in the Midlands.

Moving to Wales was just a mistake, it happens. For the sake of your mental health I would not let this job offer pass you by.

I would imagine that this is the peak time for teacher recruitment. Keep going for interviews, you will get the right one in the end. If you had a job your DH could also move in permanently. At the moment you have a foot in both camps and haven't really given the move a chance to work.

You mention the positive reasons you had behind your move to Wales, but what were the negative reasons for you leaving the midlands? Will they still be there or resurface if you return?
Have you joined a local welsh language class? It would help with any job application if you've got the basics (speaking as someone married to a welshman). Could you do tutoring whilst you're applying for jobs?
6 months is no time at all, and you have a summer and the school holidays coming up. Have the DC settled in their new school? Have they made friends locally and are learning welsh at school?

Oh yes, totally missed it. Blame the cough we've had.

I think location is everything. Staying closer to the English border so we don't feel so remote. Easy access.

I would even try moving more towards England. It's such an amazing place to live and with no family ties in the old place, it could make a difference. But there will be costs involved.

Can you swap with your husband, you accept the job at your old school and weekly commute while he is in Wales able to look for work. It would buy you some time to think. How do the children feel about the move?

Ah, this is a very upsetting read. I'm so sorry you feel this stuck. I've never been to Devon and imagined it to be stunning, just shows sometimes there isn't a replacement for home.
💐