Anxiety over DPs right to my house!

[Kaftankweeie]

Hello,

any advice from anyone who had been in a similar situation would be wonderful!

DP and I are currently house hunting, together 13 years one DD 6, happy so far no blips however he is terrible with money and always has been.

I am in a very fortunate position where my DM is buying me the house we eventually choose in cash. DMs plan is to gift me the house, so it will be in my name only and mortgage free.

DP and I would love some more children and once we are in the house we are planning on TTC. We’ve both spoken about me then becoming a SAHM, something I would love to do.

my question is, if we never married but split up would DP have any claim on the house? If I became a SAHM it would be his wages that would be paying the bills on the house, I’m very nervous about putting myself in a vulnerable position if I were to be a SAHM.

thanks in advance

If I was your partner, I would be making it clear that I would not be putting any money into the house, unless there was an agreement on it, so if you need a new bathroom, boiler blows up etc, that is your responsibility to sort, not out of my money or family money. I would also make sure I was saving at least half the rental cost of a 2 bed place in your area, monthly and that money was purely for me.

If you needed me to pay anything towards the upkeep of the house, I would have an agreement, that it is either a loan or I get the money back if we were to split up and also depending on if it added value to the house, any extra of that as well.

So as long as you can afford to pay for the upkeep of the property on your own as a SAHM go for it. Otherwise keep working

I own my house, DP of 15 years lives with me knowing he has no claim on it if we split up. He made the choice to move in.

Mumsnets forever telling women to get married & protect themselves but getting married for some of us would be a massive financial risk.

Please get legal advise before you do this & fully consider how you would manage if he walked away because he can just up & leave, nothing ties him legally to you or the house.

Agreed. You want to own the house then you need to maintain it. It’s not fair to say he’d do it.

Would him maintaining extend to putting a new roof on it, a new kitchen or bathroom, an extension?

You miss the bit about ttc once the house is sorted out.

get legal advice. also look up beneficial interest.

if he pays for improves or repairs or the mortgage he’ll be able to make come claim to the house. You’d also have to get a deed of trust drawn up to say that he has no expectation to own any of the house. You would need to have cash spare for maintenance, which might be hard to prove if you have no income.

If it’s for your children, there’s also Life Interest Trust

Yes but did you then stop working and make him pay for all the bills?

Well he would be an idiot to agree to that!

Another thought here - if you die while the children are still under 18, he is their dad so I assume will be their primary carer. He will need to house them and himself- so you need to ensure things are watertight should that scenario come about.

You could speak to a solicitor about leaving the house to your children but giving him a life time interest.

Obviously your partner needs to be fully aware of the situation.

I’m actually shocked that you will happily become a SAHP (which is only possible because he’s working) but then screw him over if you were to leave him.

Is there no plans to ever get married?

FWIW I actually think both owning a different home is a fantastic idea, as it means if you do split then neither of you have lost anything.

This is going to have a big impact on your budget and life and may prevent you from being a SAHM or shorten how long you’re a SAHM.

But he needs to be fully aware of the situation.
You need to explain that you are planning to see a solicitor and have it solely in your name and if you die it will go straight to your kids, so he needs to take out a mortgage on a different home and rent it out.

Why? Why do you think that the op’s dp should he entitled to the op’s mothers cash?

No I mean he would be an idiot agreeing to ttc with a woman who expects him to solely fund a whole house he has no claim on. I'm not for a second saying he has any entitlement to the OPs mothers cash. But if he lives in a house he has no claim on, then his obligation should be half the bills and a nominal amount of rent.

Not 100% of the bills and home repairs and improvements!

Meanwhile people largely agree it's right the house is ringfenced as it were. Most are saying its unfair to expect someone to pay all of the bills, pay towards maintaining the house etc whilst not having any stake whatsoever in anything in case of a split.

That can be sorted out legally. This is why legal advice to get the facts is important. The amount that the op’s partner can save as well needs to be looked at legally. He will benefit personally from living rent/mortgage free.

But the maintenance one is a big issue - the OP will not have any income as she is planning not to work - so it seems she is expecting her partner to fund the upkeep of the house he does not own out of his wages. That seems pretty unfair.

Sorry OP I think you are being a bit unfair to DP.

If he will be literally funding life/paying bills for you all then fuck yeah should be entitled to half of the house if you were to split.

I find it strange you would even be asking this question.

I would love to be a SAHM I really would. My partner is shit with money - in more debt than I'll ever know I think but even so if he was able to earn enough for me to bring up my child full time I would expect anything I have or own to be half his.

Perhaps the OP can retain part of the house purchase money to pay for upkeep until she starts working again. Any money that the op’s partner puts into upkeep can also be documented. She can pay him back once she’s working.

That’s pretty much the way marriage works in all jurisdictions, though? It’s why everyone says not to become a SAHP without getting married first. It’s not some weird 50s morality (as I was once accused of on a similar thread), it’s because after marriage most assets become matrimonial joint property unless there is a written contract to the contrary.

If you're a SAHM who will pay for maintenance and renovations to the property?

If it's DP then it's likely he will have a claim to the house.

If you want it to remain solely yours, you will need to work to pay for upkeep and decor.

Well that could work - I think in messy reality of day to day life when something needs fixing the person with the money will just pay for it and it will get forgotten in the mists of time.

There is also the issue of whether you treat improvements/structural maintainence differently from things like new furniture or replacing electrcial goods.

So the father of your child is to bring home the bacon while you stay at home in a house you haven't earned and if the relationship goes tits up, you want him to leave with nothing?

I mean, I kinda keepswinning between the two here because I’ll be honest with you. I plan to give my children a house deposit which is going to be ring fenced so that if anything happens my kids get my money back before anything else is split.

And if my daughter wanted to be a stay at home mom after I’d paid for the house in its entirety, which isn’t happening with me, but just play along. I kind of consider that that’s her contribution to the pot done.
Or the other way I could do it if I could pay her half of the Mortgage while she stays at home for five years to look after the babies.
The end result is the same though it’s just that one benefits the banks a lot more than the other.

OP, is this coming from you or is this coming from your mum?

I find it easier to believe she is offering to buy you a house if she can kick him out if you die/split up. I imagine you have banged on for years about how terrible he is with money, that will have clouded her view.

What she needs to consider is the mess she is causing.

Irrespective of whether he is shit with money or not (she should note: her child still chose to breed with him knowing this), this man has put 13 years of his life into a relationship with you including raising one child, with another one to possibly come further down the line, and cannot just be treated like a passing vagrant whom you or she choose to provide a roof for or not.

13 years of paying towards your relationship, your rent, your holidays, life. He's got skin in this game and it's horrific for you not to appropriately account for this.

Whether it's coming from you or your mum doesn't matter I guess, but the sentiment remains the same. Flaws or not, you can't treat the father of your child and a long term life partner like a one night stand you can boot out at will.

If your overriding concern is your children's inheritance, something needs to be drawn up (in the form of a will) that says he has a right to live in the house until he dies. If he sells it, it splits 33% between him and your (future two instead of one) offspring.

You say he can afford to buy his own place but you also imply he needs to be the sole worker and pay for house maintenance for five years. You say he prefers to spend. So, let's be real, if he prefers to spend, he is never going to buy his own place as a security blanket for himself.

If you make this man homeless when you die, even if the house is held for your children, do not underestimate how much your future children might resent you taking a family home away from their father.

Also, good luck with telling your lifelong partner that he has as many rights as a lodger, but with all the emotional and financial attachment of a father.

That's going to be very awkward.

I would suggest that legal papers do not need to be drawn up at all, rather a vast adjustment in attitude of your thinking about just how disposable this man seemingly is in your life.

No way would I be a stay at home mum if my DP had no self control over their spending habits. (Or have a child with a man I knew to be so shit with money tbh)

No way I would put his name on a house that my mother had bought me.
He could easily fuck off ofter a year or 2 leaving op forced to sell up and take £100k (or whatever value half the house is) of money he did nothing for, or get in more debt with the potential of op losing everything.

She has said he has more than enough to afford a mortgage on a flat to rent out and has been encouraging him too but he'd rather piss his money away.

This man could afford to house himself and pay his bills if they split, and save money now due to no mortgage or rent, so why are people claiming he will be left 'penniless' or 'homeless' because that's not the same situation as someone who has allowed themselves to become financially dependent on a DP with no claim on a property or assets themselves.

OP on the other hand, needs to keep her hand in work wise, because she needs to be able to afford to pay the bills and maintenance if they did split and keep her career options open.

If I moved in with a partner who owned a property outright, I wouldn't expect to be put on the deeds, but I would make sure I was financially secure myself with my own savings or investments and not make myself dependent on them.

None of this makes sense. He's 'terrible, terrible' with money but if you chuck a second child in the mix and stop working he'll save up and buy a flat to rent out with his huge income?

Which is it? Bad enough with money that you can't risk joint home ownership despite him being the father of your kid, or so good you can pack in work and he'll take it from there?

I can't imagine ttc in these circumstances. Hard to believe this is actually real.

So, let's be real, if he prefers to spend, he is never going to buy his own place as a security blanket for himself

That's his own bloody fault then!

If the op died and the house is left in trust, there can be provision in place for him to stay in the home until the youngest is x years old or finished education. It would give him plenty of time to prepare.

No different than if a woman gets to stay in marital home until youngest child is 18 or whatever, before house is sold and assets split after a divorce.