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Original poster

Anxiety over DPs right to my house!

165 replies

Kaftankweeie · 16/08/2023 07:06

Hello,

any advice from anyone who had been in a similar situation would be wonderful!

DP and I are currently house hunting, together 13 years one DD 6, happy so far no blips however he is terrible with money and always has been.

I am in a very fortunate position where my DM is buying me the house we eventually choose in cash. DMs plan is to gift me the house, so it will be in my name only and mortgage free.

DP and I would love some more children and once we are in the house we are planning on TTC. We’ve both spoken about me then becoming a SAHM, something I would love to do.

my question is, if we never married but split up would DP have any claim on the house? If I became a SAHM it would be his wages that would be paying the bills on the house, I’m very nervous about putting myself in a vulnerable position if I were to be a SAHM.

thanks in advance

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 16/08/2023 08:24

LesbianNaan · 16/08/2023 08:15

Quite apart from needing legal and financial advice I think you need to have a really good think about your relationship.

If this man is so terrible with money that should you split you’d rather see him penniless, then you should be seriously considering if he’s the man for you, let alone have more children with him or be a SAHM!

Protecting your own assets is one thing, deliberately excluding a life partner from this seems very odd.

Does he know this is what you’re considering?

The money comes from the op’s mother and the mother wants it to go to her daughter for a house and then to her grandchildren. Legal advice is required.

DrySherry · 16/08/2023 08:25

Parseley · 16/08/2023 08:20

Your bf needs advice too, this would put him in a very precarious living arrangement.

Indeed, personally I think he should run for the hills.

Parseley · 16/08/2023 08:25

You would need to ensure he pays bills but adds nothing to the house and makes no improvements to the house. He’ll need to be able to save something in case you ask him to leave.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 16/08/2023 08:26
  1. you need legal advice.
  2. why would you consider being a SAHM if your partner is this terrible with money??
  3. you being a SAHM mum would mean him paying for the upkeep of the house, all your living expenses etc. And you still want him to walk away with nothing??
  4. don’t forget the issue of pensions, especially if you are unmarried and decide to be a SAHM.

this situation seems absolutely crazy to me personally, tbh!

Original poster
Kaftankweeie · 16/08/2023 08:26

LesbianNaan · 16/08/2023 08:15

Quite apart from needing legal and financial advice I think you need to have a really good think about your relationship.

If this man is so terrible with money that should you split you’d rather see him penniless, then you should be seriously considering if he’s the man for you, let alone have more children with him or be a SAHM!

Protecting your own assets is one thing, deliberately excluding a life partner from this seems very odd.

Does he know this is what you’re considering?

I’m trying to make sure the house goes to my DD and not to anyone else.
I don’t want the situation where we split up, he has some right to the house and then I don’t have the money to buy him out of his share. I’ve already sacrificed my career path by changing jobs to a part time one when we had DD, this meant he was able to continue on his.

OP posts:
Parseley · 16/08/2023 08:26

But yes agree with pp- legal advice for both needed. Good luck.

Honeyroar · 16/08/2023 08:27

Have you discussed this with him? Is he happy with it? Or doesn’t sound like much of a partnership. I have put most of the property into our relationship, I had property prior to the relationship and have inherited property. If we split I’d give him half, he’s been my partner for years and put lots of effort into the house. I’d have felt awful ding fencing.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 16/08/2023 08:31

DrySherry · 16/08/2023 08:25

Indeed, personally I think he should run for the hills.

Show quote history

Definitely.

If my SO wanted to be a stay at home parent and rely on my income (aka have me pay for everything including the upkeep of the house) but did not want to me have any claim to the house I’m contributing to? No way.

And no, he most likely won’t be able save / amass a substantial capital due to being the sole provider.

RudsyFarmer · 16/08/2023 08:32

Your mother could put the house in a trust for you and your children. Take advice.

Fuckingfuming1 · 16/08/2023 08:32

mycoffeecup · 16/08/2023 07:30

do not be a SAHM unmarried

And don't marry this man

So you need to keep working

This i was married and still lost the house due to the legal circus he put us all through

Niftyswiftie · 16/08/2023 08:34

Op what are you actually planning on paying for yourself? Your mum is buying you a house and you're expecting your DP to fund your lifestyle. Why is everyone else funding you?

CoffeeBean5 · 16/08/2023 08:35

You shouldn't become a SAHM if your DP is as terrible with money as you say he is. He'll be putting himself in a very vulnerable position if he has no claim in the house but pays all the bills so you can give up work. It would be best if you both work full time so your DP doesn't put all his salary into a house that isn't his.

Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas · 16/08/2023 08:36

KievLoverTwo · 16/08/2023 07:26

'We've been together 13 years and have children together, but I would prefer that he walks away penniless if we ever split'

Eh?

Is this an actual thing that people do?

People baffle me.

After paying all the bills for the family!

I am also baffled KievLoverTwo

RachelsHere · 16/08/2023 08:36

I’ve already sacrificed my career path by changing jobs to a part time one when we had DD, this meant he was able to continue on his.

But you are going to do it again? Even though he's not reliable with money and even though it will put him in a bad position financially?

MrsMarzetti · 16/08/2023 08:37

Encourage your partner to buy a flat to let out, that way he would have somewhere to go.

Original poster
Kaftankweeie · 16/08/2023 08:39

MrsMarzetti · 16/08/2023 08:37

Encourage your partner to buy a flat to let out, that way he would have somewhere to go.

I’ve encouraged this for the past 5 years…. Again he has enough income but prefers to spend rather than save

OP posts:
GOODCAT · 16/08/2023 08:39

He needs to waive any interest in the property. You need to either not marry or get a pre-nup. As he is rubbish with money you are right to protect your assets.

Trixiefirecracker · 16/08/2023 08:40

Niftyswiftie · 16/08/2023 08:34

Op what are you actually planning on paying for yourself? Your mum is buying you a house and you're expecting your DP to fund your lifestyle. Why is everyone else funding you?

This! But then doesn’t want anyone else to have her money (assets)! Ridiculous

Original poster
Kaftankweeie · 16/08/2023 08:41

RachelsHere · 16/08/2023 08:36

I’ve already sacrificed my career path by changing jobs to a part time one when we had DD, this meant he was able to continue on his.

But you are going to do it again? Even though he's not reliable with money and even though it will put him in a bad position financially?

we both want a situation where one parent is at home more for children, it just happened to be me as he was in a slightly better position in work at the time

OP posts:
CoffeeBean5 · 16/08/2023 08:42

Kaftankweeie · 16/08/2023 08:39

I’ve encouraged this for the past 5 years…. Again he has enough income but prefers to spend rather than save

Show quote history

How will he afford this if you're a SAHM? That means he's the sole provider and responsible for paying all the bills, groceries, travel costs, stuff for your dd etc. Basically funding your lifestyle as a SAHM when he has no claim to the house. He won't be able to save.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/08/2023 08:42

There's something really morally reprehensible about expecting your partner to fund the household costs while you indulge in being a SAHM (because it is an indulgence in this case), yet giving him no security in return.

If I were him I'd leave you and get my own little flat, go 50/50 with the kids and leave you to your "free house" that you don't trust me to share yet expect me to pay for.

calmcoco · 16/08/2023 08:43

Trixiefirecracker · 16/08/2023 07:37

If this was a reverse all of Mumsnet would be up in arms!

I agree! I hear that he's bad with money but this is a terrible situation for the DP in this scenario. He's going to work to share his income with a partner who won't share their capital.

If the OP dies is he just made homeless?

Medsy · 16/08/2023 08:45

If he's
A) only earning slightly more than you
B) is shit with money

Then why doesn't he be the stay at home parent?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/08/2023 08:45

I’m trying to make sure the house goes to my DD and not to anyone else it's his dd too!

And you lose all moral high ground because the house isn't even something you've busted a gut for - you've been gifted it!

Trixiefirecracker · 16/08/2023 08:47

calmcoco · 16/08/2023 08:43

I agree! I hear that he's bad with money but this is a terrible situation for the DP in this scenario. He's going to work to share his income with a partner who won't share their capital.

If the OP dies is he just made homeless?

Show quote history

Notice that the OP is just ignoring all the comments about how unfair it is on her DP and there are many!