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Original poster

Anxiety over DPs right to my house!

165 replies

Kaftankweeie · 16/08/2023 07:06

Hello,

any advice from anyone who had been in a similar situation would be wonderful!

DP and I are currently house hunting, together 13 years one DD 6, happy so far no blips however he is terrible with money and always has been.

I am in a very fortunate position where my DM is buying me the house we eventually choose in cash. DMs plan is to gift me the house, so it will be in my name only and mortgage free.

DP and I would love some more children and once we are in the house we are planning on TTC. We’ve both spoken about me then becoming a SAHM, something I would love to do.

my question is, if we never married but split up would DP have any claim on the house? If I became a SAHM it would be his wages that would be paying the bills on the house, I’m very nervous about putting myself in a vulnerable position if I were to be a SAHM.

thanks in advance

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 16/08/2023 07:33

You’re considering becoming a SAHM where your partner is ‘terrible, terrible’ with money.

Even without mortgage costs that seems a silly idea. What happens when he can’t pay the bills?

lovewoola · 16/08/2023 07:34

I don't get this. Why would he be unhappy about living rent free? He can save a lot of money that way for his own investment.

bit hard to save when you are the sole provider.

LittleBrenda · 16/08/2023 07:35

Why? Why should he have a claim to the OP's mum's money?

It's not that he should have a claim to the OP's mum's money, it's that he could end up with nothing at all. It happens to unmarried woman all of the time.

They must be relatively young if they are plan on having more children so they are going to move into a home and live there together. She isn't going to work he's going to pay all the bills. Then, in fifteen years the OP meets someone else. She has an affair and falls in love with new bloke. They want to be together.

Then current dp, father of the children and person who has been financially supporting the family is out on the streets. He's got nothing. No claim on the house and no home in which the children can live with him some of the time.

RachelsHere · 16/08/2023 07:37

Why?
he gets to live rent free and can save his own capital if he chooses.

Not with a stay at home wife he can't.

Trixiefirecracker · 16/08/2023 07:37

If this was a reverse all of Mumsnet would be up in arms!

Original poster
Kaftankweeie · 16/08/2023 07:37

lovewoola · 16/08/2023 07:34

I don't get this. Why would he be unhappy about living rent free? He can save a lot of money that way for his own investment.

bit hard to save when you are the sole provider.

There would be enough for him to save, it would be very possible for him to purchase his own property to rent out in a few years time.

OP posts:
Joey1976 · 16/08/2023 07:38

I was in a similar position and not married. We signed an agreement with the solicitor should we split up, unfortunately I can't remember what it was called. I didn't want the situation to be that should I die the house could go to any new partners he may have rather than my dc.
However we would ensure he wasn't penniless should we separate, that would be awful for any dc.
Also as others have said you need Will advice.
I kept working though as financial security is vital regardless of property. If you take years out as a SAHM you need to be sure you can support yourself and your children without trying to take money out of the house.

FlamingoSunshine · 16/08/2023 07:40

Agree with PP - get legal advice not mumsnet advice

donkra · 16/08/2023 07:41

You want to be a SAHM with a man that's terrible with money and don't see any way that could go wrong? Or will Mummy be funding you to stay at home as well as buying you a house?

Lovesacake · 16/08/2023 07:43

Seems a bit off that you want/expect him to provide for you - which will significantly reduce his ability to save money, but you don’t want him to have any sort of security in the home he shares with you. Who will pay for maintenance and repairs to the property?

cosmos4 · 16/08/2023 07:44

I would suggest not marrying him! I was upset that my ex DP was anti marriage and did have DC with him. But I had far more assets than him. When we split up (basically because he got less and less willing to pull his weight) the only saving grace was he had no claim on my larger share of our house as we were tenants in common in unequal shares. If he is putting nothing into the house but will be paying for repairs and upkeep, I would get a legal document drawn up and definitely not marry him.

AuntieEsther · 16/08/2023 07:46

lovewoola · 16/08/2023 07:34

I don't get this. Why would he be unhappy about living rent free? He can save a lot of money that way for his own investment.

bit hard to save when you are the sole provider.

Not when you have no rent or mortgage to pay!
I do agree though, OP is wrong to want to be a SAHM and rely totally on his earnings.

Rewis · 16/08/2023 07:46

Would he expected to pay for renovations and other maintenance to the house that is normally the landlords responsibility?

I don't see the problem if he genuinely makes enough money to support the family, save enough to buy a buy to let property. And he's not expected to contribute to anything that increases the value of ops property.

RaininSummer · 16/08/2023 07:46

I think you should at least work part time so that it all feels more equitable and you have a solid fallback if you end up a single parent. You are both lucky to be able to live in a free house but he needs to invest in property himself.

AuntieEsther · 16/08/2023 07:47

LittleBrenda · 16/08/2023 07:35

Why? Why should he have a claim to the OP's mum's money?

It's not that he should have a claim to the OP's mum's money, it's that he could end up with nothing at all. It happens to unmarried woman all of the time.

They must be relatively young if they are plan on having more children so they are going to move into a home and live there together. She isn't going to work he's going to pay all the bills. Then, in fifteen years the OP meets someone else. She has an affair and falls in love with new bloke. They want to be together.

Then current dp, father of the children and person who has been financially supporting the family is out on the streets. He's got nothing. No claim on the house and no home in which the children can live with him some of the time.

How would he have nothing?
he has a house to live in for free and a job. He can save.

Rewis · 16/08/2023 07:47

Also get proper legal advice. Not MN legal advice.

NorthernDuckling · 16/08/2023 07:48

A solicitor will advise but I know 2 people who have done the following:
mum sets up a trust and gifts the money to the trust, trust makes an interest free loan to the person who buys the house. Both the individuals I know are married so I guess it works even if married because the trust can demand the repayment of the loan if you break up.
Make sure you see a good solicitor who has experience in trusts and estates.

cosmos4 · 16/08/2023 07:49

Worth thinking hard about being with a man that is awful with money though and also not working yourself. That is likely to cause no end of problems. Do you want to rely on someone who js unreliable?

Tippley · 16/08/2023 07:50

KievLoverTwo · 16/08/2023 07:26

'We've been together 13 years and have children together, but I would prefer that he walks away penniless if we ever split'

Eh?

Is this an actual thing that people do?

People baffle me.

He's a fool if he agrees to pay all household bills and living costs for OP to stay at home (aside from rent of course) in this situation, but his choice ultimately.

AuntieEsther · 16/08/2023 07:50

I can't believe people who are encouraging the OP to tie herself financially to someone who is 'terrible' with money and risk giving him the rights to some of her house.
I also can't believe the OP is planning to stop work and live off the 'terrible with money' guy and it's a very good point that he won't be able to save properly if she doesn't work.

OP rethink this. You both need to bring money into the house. He needs to have the opportunity to save. Otherwise you'll be taking advantage of him and exploiting his labour whilst hoarding the asset which makes it possible for you not to work.

Original poster
Kaftankweeie · 16/08/2023 07:51

Lovesacake · 16/08/2023 07:43

Seems a bit off that you want/expect him to provide for you - which will significantly reduce his ability to save money, but you don’t want him to have any sort of security in the home he shares with you. Who will pay for maintenance and repairs to the property?

We would live off his wage so Maintenance and repairs would be his wages.

i understand the situation is a bit off, I can’t give to many details of how we’ve ended up here because very outing. I can say however that he chose a hard career path that included lots of voluntary work to get experience, I paid all the bills in that time, after we had DD I put my career on hold and went part time as his job is very very busy. He now earns good money but I helped him get there

OP posts:
AuntieJune · 16/08/2023 07:52

You need to sit down with him and make a plan, all cards on the table.

I'd be p/t or childminder rather than sahm.

He needs a savings fund to sort himself out if you ever split, and to be clear you mean for him to cover costs but have no interest in the property.

LittleBrenda · 16/08/2023 07:53

How would he have nothing?
he has a house to live in for free and a job. He can save

OK, if that is how you think of it then that's fine. It's not a situation I would put myself in or that I would want my daughter in.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/08/2023 07:53

You can tie it up legally with a solicitor when you buy the house.

What I would consider tho, is that there is some provision for him should you split, a % of any equity amassed after the house has been bought. I say this because he will be paying all the bills etc if you are a SAHP. I know he's getting to live rent free, but he is also enabling the family set up as he'll be paying the bills, you'll be using his wages as family money - I presume.

LittleBearPad · 16/08/2023 07:54

Kaftankweeie · 16/08/2023 07:51

We would live off his wage so Maintenance and repairs would be his wages.

i understand the situation is a bit off, I can’t give to many details of how we’ve ended up here because very outing. I can say however that he chose a hard career path that included lots of voluntary work to get experience, I paid all the bills in that time, after we had DD I put my career on hold and went part time as his job is very very busy. He now earns good money but I helped him get there

Show quote history

It’s not fair to expect him to fund your daily life - you need to keep working, not least to protect yourself if your relationship goes tits up