Please critique my house before I put it on Rightmove.

[JamBiscuitBun]

Rarely available and new to the market, this detached, single storey dwelling has been lovingly maintained by the current owners.. and is competitively priced for those keen to get a toe-hold on the property ladder. Close to local amenities, (more trees and a stream) this convienient woodland location is perfect for those wishing to get back to nature. There's a few leaks in the roof which will be fixed before marketing. We're currently looking for a new front door in keeping with the original build. We have excellent relations with the neighbours (birds/rats/mice/squirrels and the odd fox). Central heating is provided by campfire. Comes complete with full planning consent for two dormer windows and a rear extension so long as traditional materials & construction methods are used. We've already had keen interest so early viewing is recommended.

Price: A keg of beer and a round of bacon butties...

I personally wouldn't use Rightmove, it's out of their league. You need something like Omaze, who raffle those so called multi million properties off in their prize draw.
Some lucky winner will be in for one hell of a surprise.

How big a keg of beer? And how many bacon sarnies? For a high standard abode like that I might be tempted to throw in a couple of full English and several rounds of toast, along with a bottle of quality wine (Tesco's own zesty white) - if the price is right!

@JamBiscuitBun This needs to go in Classics, you're brilliant!

Do the neighbours maintain their foliage? I'm a bit worried there seem to be a few overhanging trees which might be blocking the light and potentially causing root damage.

Would you consider a swap for this luxury penthouse apartment?

Aldi is wine is much better quality and I think they actually have eggs and tomatoes in stock.

I’m logging my interest as currently trying to decide whether or not to up sticks and move.

I know you’ve mentioned a keg of beer. Have you considered a swap? Would something like this be of interest so that you could do a new build in a location of your choosing?

Is this that trend that keeps popping up? Tiny House Movement?

Did you get a hefty discount on Farrow and Ball’s ‘The Turd Whisperer’? Because there’s an awful lot of brown and that’s more of an accent colour.

That needs marketing in Country Life!

Love the tiny house movement! This looks like it has potential to be off grid? Eco-sustainable?

Personally I'd want some bunting to really set it off

Are those skylights? I'd be worried about them leaking, tbh.

Call that a house, OP?! My DSs have got a bigger stick collection outside our back door.

Come to think of it, have you stolen my DSs' stick collection?! If so, thank you.

Any subsidence?

Hi OP. Keen on your listing for my family of five. May I please ask though, do you think I could Airbnb if whist away?

This is an ACTUAL question asked about our old three bed townhouse whilst selling.. I don't bloody know!

Expertly designed, artfully developed by the current owners, with a plethora of original features... this environmentally friendly property is a unique family home that has the flexibility to suit modern lifestyles. With large open-plan living spaces and a lovely, low-maintenance mature garden, there is plenty of space inside and out. Overall, the impressive dual aspect living area is an amazing place to relax and entertain.
Recent trafic restrictions have bestowed a sense of calm and quiet on this mmmmmm ...mmmmmmmmmm....mmmmmmmm

Not a fan of the kitchen units but each to their own.

Love it. If it has a TPO I'll take it and dd could move in the summer.

Would you mind if I brought my builder tree surgeon round for the viewing? I would like to get her take on possible opportunities for a granny annex extension. Poor granny is currently being hounded out of her delicious arts and crafts sweetie home by pitchfork waving villagers muttering about covens and flying , though her hearing isn’t too good, it could have been ovens and frying which makes more sense to me, she is a rubbish cook.

Have there been any planning applications nearby, especially those for high-rise dwellings?

This man wants his family back: