Made wrong move out of London. Help me get it right second time...

[backtothegrindstone]

The title says it all really. We moved out of London nearly 2 years ago to Dorking in Surrey. Its a pretty nice town, but we realised fairly quickly that it just wasn't the right fit for us, and after a lot of soul searching, we've decided that we'd like to move again whilst the kids are still young enough to get over it, with the aim of finding somewhere we can call home for good. There's nothing massively wrong with Dorking, but neither of us can imagine spending the rest of our lives here. There's just too many small elements missing and when you add them all together it makes one big reason not to stay. But I'm terrified of moving again and making the same mistake again. And there are just so many places we could go that I just don't know where to start. I'm hoping people could give me some ideas for places that might be a good fit for us, so I can start looking again?

We were really happy in London as we had a good circle of friends and a nice house, but we didn't really go into central London anymore and spent more and more time in our local neighbourhood. As more and more of our friends started to move out we had less and less reasons to stay and wanted a less hectic lifestyle for our boys. Now we've left, we are fairly sure we don't want to move back to London, but the move out has made us realise that there are a few 'city' things we can't live without that we're just not finding in Dorking. I'm hoping we can find at least most of them somewhere a bit greener and cleaner than London.

So negatives about Dorking for us have been that it's just a little too 'countrysidey' for us. We don't ride horses or have a dog or go mountain biking and we don't really feel like we quite fit in here. We've found the high street just a bit lacking in nice clothes shops and restaurants (especially non-chain restaurants, ideally ones that do brunch!), and it feels like a lot of stuff has closed down even in the 2 years we've been here. We've also really struggled to find a suitable house to buy here (we're looking for a 4+ bedroom detached period house with a decent sized garden within walking distance of the mainline station).

Ideally we're looking to move to a reasonably pretty and leafy 'commuter' town within an hour commute of London (preferably from a station with a minimum of 2 trains an hour) where you don't have to drive to do everyday stuff. Essentials include a supermarket, some decent cafes for brunch and lunch, some nice family friendly pubs, a private gym with a pool nearby, maybe a few decent boutiques and some facilities for kids like parks, playgrounds etc. Oh, and decent schools are a must. Other awesome bonuses would be access to Uber, a reasonable selection of takeaways, some decent bars/pubs and maybe a cinema.

Our house budget is reasonably health, and we're happy to go back within the M25 as long as it still feels green and leafy.

Am I asking the impossible?

Your OP pretty much describes Lewes in East Sussex. £1.2m would get you one of the bigger houses in the Wallands area (i.e. the bit of the town with houses that actually have gardens bigger than a postage stamp). Ticks all your boxes apart from the 'within an hour' (train takes a bit longer than that, into Victoria). Main issue is lack of housing stock.

Is Blackheath or Wimbledon too near London for you? Sounds like those type of London “villages” you are after? Perhaps Beckenham/Hayes or St Margarets (don’t think anyone has mentioned there) Teddington or Richmond (planes may put you off...)

-Reading
-Oxford / Cambridge are both easy commutes
-Bedfordshire is great if you want a country pile, access to grammar schools, but still want to walk most places

• St Albans is probably the best out of the commuter towns but expensive

I think tun wells would suit you. Quite buzzy but lovely countryside on doorstep, NT, beach nearby and short commute. Guildford also. Possibly Winchester. St Albans though might be too quiet for you?
We're having a similar dilemma but won't bore you with it! Nice to hear that we're not the only ones regretting a move.

@Jem01, Blackheath and Wimbledon definitely too far inside London. Things we DO enjoy about Dorking (and there are a few things) are being surrounded by countryside and not having to get stuck in traffic jams to get to it. We also love having a house that isn't cheek and jowl with our neighbours. I really enjoy seeing deer and rabbits and owls in the garden and going for a run up a big hill in the middle of nowhere. So I think anywhere in inner London probably won't cut it. I suspect we're probably looking at the ring both sides of the M25 really.

@800msprint Oooo, please DO bore me with it! Where are you that you don't like? Where are you thinking of going? There must be loads of people who move and regret it, but I bet a lot of people just stick it out to save face...or maybe others are better at making the best of things than I am

Having recently moved there, I'll give another shout out for Surbiton. Lively, but without the full on bustle of London. Close enough to the amenities of Kingston but not as grotty. Some pleasant pubs and a couple of properly decent restaurants. Fast trains to London and at the edge of the oyster and contactless zones. Right by the river and easy to get out to "proper" Surrey.
Fits the bill.

The thing I'm not sure of, after 9 pages of very sensible suggestions, is how you avoid moving to somewhere that is not another Dorking for you. Somewhere a bit bigger would solve the clothes shops, but the bigger you go, the harder it is to find multiple cafes etc in walking distance. It seems to me that you're missing some nebulous "X" factor that is not fully captured by the facilities you've listed.

It's a bit like when you're looking at houses. You can try to reduce it to a wishlist - 4 bedrooms, 2nd bathroom, utility room etc - and you can find the perfect "box ticker" house on paper, but actually hate it and wish you'd bought a completely different house that lacks half your list but had a wow factor. If you have to drive to a nice cafe, or to a nearby town for boutique shopping, does that matter, really? Do you just want somewhere you can make friends, get enmeshed in the place, have a local pub and somewhere to eat, run into people you know when you're out and about?

I'm not really sure how helpful this is but I would really try to pin down what you want to change. If it's that you have struggled to make friends, think about how you would meet like-minded people rather than shopping facilities maybe? It's hard.

You could get a cracking 7 bed 7 bathroom detached with a huge garden for less than too end budget in Ashford
https://www.hobbsparker.co.uk/Images/EA/Properties/C1423DOCC_00.pdf
Beautiful house, less than 10 mins to station then a mere 38 mins to St Pancras

Oh yes, I can't really comment on the coffee shops in Surbiton as I don't use them, but there does seem to be a plethora...

@MyThirdBestWig I think these things are all connected. I've met nice people here in Dorking, but fundamentally I'm just finding it quite dull here. It's not that people aren't nice, it's just that the things they like to do are quite different to the things we like to do. I know clothes shops and cafes and gyms seem like superficial things, but actually they're defining identities of a type of people. I like clothes - I like to have people to talk about clothes with, to shop with, to admire the way they dress. Towns with decent clothes shops tend to attract people who like clothes. I like to go out for a drink - I don't want to go partying, but I would like to get out of the house. Mums from school here seem very home based and don't seem to go out much. Good pubs and restaurants attract people who like to have a night out. I'm in my late 30's, and a lot of mums here seem to be very very young - in their 20's and married/kids pretty much straight out of school. I'm hoping a more thriving commuter town generally will attract more people who've had careers prior to having kids and have then moved out, so hopefully there will be more people my age. My initial message probably does seem nebulous but that's because its hard to really write down the entire feeling of a place but I have a good idea of what I'm looking for - I"m only asking for suggestions for places to go and look at, and then the rest will hopefully be instinct once we've spent some time in each place.

It does sound like Tunbridge Wells, Sevenoaks, Guildford or St Albans would be more your sort of crowd. Have you been to any of those yet?

New to the thread, wondering if Lewes has been mentioned? Lovely crew of DFLs down hereabouts, come join us!

I’m in West London and Beconsfield, Denham village, Rickmansworth, Marlow, Amersham, the Chalfonts and the Chilterns all all nice areas. They may not tick all of your boxes but a lot of them do.

Most have good train/tube links and most of the schools are good. I like St Albans too for lots of reasons, including good theatres and nice shops.

Windsor, Marlow, Maidenhead or Cookham all green, on the Thames but easy access to London.

Lots of boutiques in Marlow and Windsor. Bray is also beautiful and has amazing restaurants! Fast train to Paddington station or drive on the M4/M40. Shops, cinema and a choice of nice gyms. Good schools and some great detached period houses within your budget.

Weybridge or Cobham are beautiful!!

Agree but they're also very boring. No central big town.

Surbiton is near enough to Kingston to have the best of both worlds, town and countryside.
Hassocks is worth looking at.
Brighton has everything you can think of.

Ah ok that makes sense. Has this thread been useful? Any areas from what has been recommended you will go and visit? Lots of suggestions on here (another vote for Tunbridge Wells from me! TN1 and some parts of TN2, I would have moved there but our budget couldn’t stretch!) I hope you find what you are looking for.

OP

I live in East Dulwich and DP lives in Berkhamsted. I second that area. My DC are settled in school here (one at secondary now) but I did nearly move there a few years back. I think that could be a great option for you. I love it there and your budget would get you a really nice place there. It's a perfect mix of town and beautiful countryside. Loads of NT properties and woodland in easy reach , great pubs and restaurants and the canal is lovely.

I often stay there mid week and the journey into central London is a breeze compared with my journey from East Dulwich! (Think much nicer trains where you actually get a seat) and it's only 32 mins to Euston.

Dorking is very sleepy and looking a very run down in places. I imagine it’s a real culture shock moving from London.
Guildford would suit you much better - very busy and vibrant in comparison yet still surrounded by countryside. Now that Debenhams down by the river is closing I predict they will open all that area up and put in restaurants, cafes, shops and apartments overlooking the river.
Godalming, Farnham and Haslelmere nearby are also nice towns.

@reefedsail I cam on to say Windsor as well.

Has all those things- with a great local vibe

We moved to Oxted and tbh I've been depressed for 5 years because of it. I also can't quite define what it is I don't like. On paper it's ideal, 30 min to London but surrounded by countryside but to me it's too far from London to feel part of it and the countryside is still quite suburban here. You have to drive everywhere to get to countryside really and that's not what I want.
Also I miss the liveliness of London. I'm different to you that I miss London desperately but unsure it's right for us to move back with children. I grew up in the country and I wanted that for my kids. I thought I wanted it for myself but obviously not! Or we are not in right type of countryside more like.
People here are also lovely but I just feel like a square peg in a round hole. It's conservative and provincial here though there are many ex Londoners here and I am slowly making like minded friends. It was a massive shock moving here from North London. I basically want a Crouch End in the country that's commutable to London but it doesn't exist! Be interested in what you do. It's so hard once you have kids. I'm also terrified of making another bad decision and so we still appear to be here!

I disagree with the Guildford and Farnham suggestions. I don't think they're "vibrant", and doubt they'd fit your wish list based on what you've described OP. I think the Chilterns towns or Marlowe/Windsor maybe could be more of your vibe, but...

It does rather depend on one's politics, but for me so many of these places are too old Tory and too white! I would feel uncomfortable raising children there for those reasons. I think they'd miss out on diversity and go to school in a homogenous community.

I too would be looking for more of a hybrid Crouch End in the country option- but not sure it exists! If anyone finds it, let me know!

I don't know why someone discounted Lewes earlier in the thread? It's very vibrant with lots going on in the Community and is liberal too, particularly as it's so close to Brighton. South Downs on the doorstep, good comprehensive schools and a 'do-able' commute to London (but probably expensive). Has the fabulous Depot cinema and Arts space plus a theatre with all of the shopping facilities in Brighton one train stop away. Some really nice restaurants too. I like it far better than the Conservative Surrey towns. Only issue might be finding a large enough garden.

I really like Lewes too. Near enough to Brighton for city fix but lovely in itself and full of character