What phrases do you dislike from estate agents details...

[KitschinSynch]

My pet hates are:
"this fine home" related to any Victorian house
"buff interior" buff meaning fit rather than the colour...
I will add more when they come to me :)

I saw this today...

'The garden has a trankwell feel'

Just read this (following another property thread, sorry alledm as you seem to like the house).

There is an old saying that goes 'if mum's not happy then no one is happy' well mum will be very happy in this kitchen, she will certainly have a big smile on her face while cooking away, with masses of space for chopping and churning away in

Oh my god Pinkje it's revolting. I want to find the estate agent who wrote it and maybe do some chopping and churning myself!

offers in excess of one million pounds

Calling a bog standard run down old flat an 'apartment' to try and make it sound posher.

I don't mind 'deceptively spacious' even though it's just another lie... it's when the house is described as 'deceptive' that I despair. Although it's very funny too.

I also hate it when the agents quote the current owners. I don't want to know about them and their lifestyle and the glorious times they have had in that house. It's all about me and my lifestyle and my plans.

Yeah, I hate 'benefitting from' SO much

"Immaculate."
Well it might be fucking immaculate now while it's empty but the second I move in that word becomes totally redundant!

This is another doozy:

Offering good space throughout, this house comprises of two reception rooms with direct access via patio doors to a spacious garden, a Gally kitchen

Not a phrase but: any bathroom photos with the toilet lid up!!! PUT IT DOWN!!!

Check this one out, I'm not actually sure if they're taking the piss it's such a stupid description.

m.zoopla.co.uk/#/for-sale/details/34493275

It would be nice if it had a garden, new kitchen and not pink carpet though.

"Small courtyard" = tiny space you could maybe get a smart car onto if you're really good at reversing around tight bends

it was on page one, but yes, I agree "this property boasts 3 bathrooms". argh. Comprises of ... also makes me feel NAWSHUSS

One of our local agents prefaces all descriptions with "One of the finest examples of a [2 bed terrace etc]". Every single one.

"Thoughtfully updated" - rather than just bunging the bath in the middle of the living room.

Fine and country are the best for this sort of thing. This is from one linked to in the Graun recently:"With only six cottages in the country built to this design, Lock Cottage is certainly a most unique property". If there are 5 others in the country, it's not unique, and it's definitely not "most unique".

There are a lot of 'gracious homes' on my DM's road.

MIL has started using the phrase to describe certain houses. And not ironically either.

We sold our old house in a 'vibrant' noisy at night with drunken hipsters street. Arf.

'Move straight in!'

this seems to be a favourite phrase in my area, and they use it to denote a property that is in pristine condition.

How many people buy a perfectly functional but slightly tired looking house and go 'of course I couldn't possibly move straight in, it would be out of the question until I have redecorated and re-carpeted throughout. i'll just have to rent a flat for a few months and pay the mortgage on my new house.'

Also 'investors only - sold with a sitting tenant.'

They don't mean sitting tenant at all, sitting tenants barely even exist any more, outside of council housing.

They mean there is a tenant in situ who is still within the fixed period of his tenancy contract and cannot be given notice yet.

It amazes me that these idiots are let loose to write stuff on rightmove when they clearly know so little about their own job.

This thread has made me properly laugh out loud. Love it.

Particularly the small, 3 bed house in Hitchin linked above, which is "an absolute joy to view", in a "superbly esteemed location" and has been "lovingly presented...enhancing the magnetism of this charming home". If you're not yet sold it has a "wonderful lounge", a "superb kitchen" AND with gardens which "complement the house like a dream". What an "utterly fabulous home"!!

I wish I could get these agents to describe ME. What a confidence boost?.

'Quirky' and 'unique' always means 'totally bonkers decor and some really bad DIY decisions that have knocked 20 grand off the value of an otherwise quite nice house.'

The use of "LUXURY" to describe every other bog standard new build flat

The ones where they get all proscriptive about your new life. (Ward and partners anyone?)

'Take a stroll down to the sea front and watch the locals having fun' (like you are the loneliest person ever and don't know how to have any yourself)

'Browse the nearby market for that little knick knack to put on the mantlepiece'

'invite your friends round for a barbecue or drinks in the sunny garden'

'Imagine how nice it will be to be able to nip to the shop in 2 minutes, no more heavy bags' which means it's a flat above the co-op and you'll get no peace till 11pm.

Just tell me the room sizes, Goddammit.

Bijou cottage - tiny house with no outside space in lentilly market town with breastfeeding and dickensian festivals and morris dancers. Oh no, I live there.

Central attractive feature of the room - the fireplace.

"sure to please First Time Buyers and Buy To Let investors alike." - ex-council shithole

"Perfectly suited for a young family." - two small bedrooms

"larger than average" - average

"charming" - tiny

"contemporary" - all the furniture is cheap Ikea shit

"fashionable area" - you'll get stabbed, but there's good ethnic food locally

"patio garden" - there's 10-square feet of concrete out the back

"boasting an eat-in kitchen" - there's no dining room

"investment opportunity" - falling-down shithole

"purpose-built development" - ex-council flat

"spacious" - average

"rarely available" - overpriced

"prime location" - above a kebab shop on a busy main road

"well proportioned" - lots of tiny rooms

"centrally located" - you can hear the trains go past every 30 seconds

"convenient" - your doorstep gets vomited on every night by clubbers

"mature gardens" - the garden's so overgrown it's starting to digest the house