What phrases do you dislike from estate agents details...

[KitschinSynch]

My pet hates are:
"this fine home" related to any Victorian house
"buff interior" buff meaning fit rather than the colour...
I will add more when they come to me :)

LRD

Hi Honey - I'm home.

Is it also possible to find a C&W that doesn't mention enjoying a glass of wine somewhere in the property? I doubt it.

What I hate these days, is the stretched pictures they take! surely that's against the descriptions act?

This one is nigh-on unreadable. Independents? Do they mean the newspaper?

'The prefect family home'. I'm picturing Percy Weasley.

Round here, for some reason, everything is either Georgian, Victorian, or modern. No other periods exist. A couple of years ago my mate took me to look round a house that claimed to be 'Georgian-style' and which had bay windows.

Apparently, this is what's meant by a 'landscaped garden'. Who knew?

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-47762519.html

Landscaped to look like a 60s car park, maybe.

I have a book called Brothel in Pimlico which is filled with gems written by Roy Brooks, a legendary estate agent renowned for telling the brutal truth about the houses he was selling. It's full of hilarious descriptions such as:

"WILL NO ONE BUY THIS POOR OLD HOUSE? Empty, miserable & racked by the district trains that pass at the end of its tiny, overgrown garden..."

and:

"SO CALLED GARDEN WITH POSSIBILITIES best solved by saturation bombing... back bedroom suitable only for a dwarf..."

'highly acclaimed' used to describe anything from a parade of scruffy shops (which is a 'village', of course) to a school that isn't actually in special measures.

We get a lot of 'sort after' and 'envious' locations round here too.

That landscaping

Love the way the first C&W one lists "garage" and then further down the list "GARAGE" in case you missed the significance. And the family statements in both are rather similar

The writing is truly horrendous.

I liked the one boasting a second WC "for those busy family times".

'Sunny rear garden'....as if the sun targets that particular garden and leaves all the others grey and gloomy, amazing.

"Vanitory basin".

It's fucking vanity, not some weird cross between vanity and sanitary. I don't think I've EVER seen an estate agent use the right word.

You just know that these people never say "me" when they could say "myself".

When my landlord was selling the little flat we used to live in, the estate agent showing one group of people round was an absolute parody of the breed. I was wetting myself when he said "and here's the bijoux bathroom- where all the action happens!"

YY Trills ... and you have just reminded me that many moons ago when I worked in IT, I knew someone who would never say 'now' when he could say 'at this present moment in time'. He also once asked me, 'Have you had visibility of this document?' (I assume he was asking me if I'd seen it.)

Well, it's not quite C&W standards, but they've definitely read the manual (names removed to protect the not so innocent. )

XX Agents are proud to present XX to the market. This beautiful four bed two bath property comes to the market in fantastic condition throughout and would make the perfect home for any growing family.
Situated in this ever popular residential location this home not only offers you spacious living accommodation but also privacy as it is nestled away in a quiet little cul de sac. The location is second to none as it is surrounded by a host of local amenities to include excellent primary and secondary schools, local shops and a shopping centre. The gym is a mere 2 minute walk from your door as well as local parks. XX, X, and XXX Villages are all within walking distance so you can avail of all the facilities these have to offer.
Excellent public transport links are also seconds walk away providing you with access to the City centre, shopping centre and surrounding areas.
The property itself briefly consists of front garden with off street parking for two cars, entrance hallway with downstairs w/c. A large front reception room with feature fireplace overlooking a large green area to the front. The kitchen/dining room is bright and spacious with sliding door to a maintenance free private sunny garden. To the rear of the garden is a full width block built shed with electric supply.
Upstairs comprises of three double bedrooms two with fitted wardrobes and one single bedroom. There is also a generous fully tiled family bathroom with electric shower and large landing area. The attic has been insulated and floored for added storage.
Viewing is highly recommended as interest will be high.
By appointment only.

This can be translated into English as:
950sq ft house, off-street parking for two Smart cars, with gymbalow taking over the back 'garden' so you can store all of the utilities (fridge, washing machine, dishwasher etc.,) that won't fit in the poky food-prep area.
It is possible to swing a cat in the three double bedrooms though, as long as you haven't placed a bed in any of them...&c.

[Do I win anything for world's longest 'place-marker'? ]

Just remembered that I went to view a house for rent a couple of months ago, and when I walked into the living room with the letting agent, he said, 'As you can see, it's really light in here - it's really great to have a living room with natural light'. Er, yes ... it's a real rarity to find a house with windows in the living room. He'd arrived at the place about 2 minutes before me, but obviously felt the need to demonstrate an inside knowledge of it ...

'Benefitting from'

'Looking to achieve'

Aspect
Even more so dual aspect.
Yes it has two windows. Just say that.

Anything with an exclamation point... Eg. "Must be seen to be believed! " "come and see this tardis like house! "

Urgh

'Window formations to the front'. It's a WINDOW.

'Set in its own private gardens' - well detached houses generally are, surely?

Also, some EAs apparently can't tell the difference between detached and semi-detached.

'Largely in its original layout' is the new code for 'disgusting wreck that hasn't been touched since the lean-to kitchen was thrown up using asbestos boarding in the 1950s'