What phrases do you dislike from estate agents details...

[KitschinSynch]

My pet hates are:
"this fine home" related to any Victorian house
"buff interior" buff meaning fit rather than the colour...
I will add more when they come to me :)

[ArsenicyOldFace]

unfortunately you let slip three correctly-applied prepositions so they'll have to let you go?

[Kimaroo]

Calling a ground floor study a reception room. How you entertain guests in a 5' x 4' cubby hole is known only to estate agents.

[ArsenicyOldFace]

Knee-trembler, naturally Kim

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

That's livened up my image of the 5' x 4' cubby holes I've seen quite considerably.

[Kimaroo]

Thanks ladies. I'm not going to be able to view studies without sniggering now

[ArsenicyOldFace]

[ouryve]

"Deceptively spacious lounge" - if you're sitting on the sofa, watching telly, you can't quite reach the TV to change the channel, with your toes.
"Decorated to a high standard" - the laminate would put down recently enough to not be scratched and warped, yet, and the feature wall isn't peeling.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

And why is it that a shower over the bath such a great thing? It's a prime candidate for the 'boasts of'/ 'benefits from' treatment. Unless the bathroom is enormous, where the fuck else were you going to put it?

[monsterowl]

'Architect designed'. As opposed to ... ?
'Airy'. Great - it's useful to be able to breathe indoors.
'Popular area'. Meaning, presumably, that other people live nearby.
'Deceptively spacious'. No idea.

[Kimaroo]

In our local paper one estate agent puts a one-liner above each photo, designed to grab you but it does the complete opposite. Eg 'Wow! I mean, Wow!' 'Kids - love this tree!' 'I'd buy this for the shed alone!' A few years ago we were selling our riverside property and the one-liner was 'Wot? No ducks?!'. We had no viewings at all through them!

[TalcAndTurnips]

We are lucky to have a local estate agency that prides itself on its flowery lifestyle descriptions - often written in clunky, awkward language littered with punctuation and spelling errors.

Fine examples include (as cut & pasted):

"Walk into the entrance of the number one building to be greeted by the only concierge service on offer in the area and you immediately get the feeling of prestige that the building emminates"

"The separate garage which is just around the corner is an absolute godsend. No late night missions to find a suitable parking space, and certainly no fear of waking up to a parking ticket! Simply pull up to your spacious garage and head back to the property, smug () in the knowledge that your car is both safe and secure"



"Weekends here will no doubt begin with a lovely fried breakfast. All the family sat around the table while the smell of eggs and bacon fill the house. What happens from here is up to you. Maybe a stroll along the seafront or an afternoon looking for all the hidden treasures in the local boutiques' s" Wanker.




"The moment you set your eyes on this semi detached house it evokes images of a bygone era. Visions of top hats and tails as well as walking canes and horse drawn carriages wouldn't be too far from what this property has seen"

"offering parking on a first come first serve basis..." Translation: good for those who enjoy a regular spat with the neighbours


......

Oh, the hours I have spent (in my quaint bijou but spacious and airy living space) enjoying this shite.

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Prestige property = no plebs here, thanks.
POA = if you have to ask, you can't afford it so bugger off and stop wasting our time.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Jesus, talc. Those are wonderful.

[HaveYouTriedARewardChart]

I love that one dreamboat. Especially "highlights include" followed by a list of every room...

[MsSampson]

talcandturnips - that sounds like cubbitt and west to me! They write the best (worst) descriptions, and always have a spiel from the current owners about why they love it, which I know they make up without even speaking to vendors, as they sold DH's manky old flat.

There's a real tendency around our part of S London for referring to grim urban areas as xx "village" which always makes me smile...

[monsterowl]

"Weekends here will no doubt begin with a lovely fried breakfast. All the family sat around the table while the smell of eggs and bacon fill the house. What happens from here is up to you."

This makes it sound like the family fried breakfast is compulsory. How on earth would idiots earn money if nobody needed estate agencies?

[MsSampson]

ha monsterowl, I just read that while looking for some classic Cubitt! I bet it's a stock phrase they use across all their regions though, unless yours was a south coast terrace too?

[legitsuperhero]

Was just coming on here to mention Cubitt and West Honestly their ludicrous descriptions wind me up so much I was desperate not to have to buy from them as a matter of principle "For the Jamie Olivers among you this swish kitchen is just crying out for you to rustle up a dinner party for your envious friends!" They enhance their photos to buggery too, you can spot them a mile off.

[TalcAndTurnips]

MsSampson - you are correct; Cubitt & West! Bloody hell - is it national company policy to post wanky aspirational tosh in puerile language? I thought it was just our local office.

[MassaAttack]

"Opaque glass".

Yes, opaque glass exists, but it is not generally used for bathroom windows.

[TalcAndTurnips]

This one is spectacularly bad.

It's the combination of clumsy attempts to sell a lifestyle, coupled with the abysmal English and overtones of chumminess.

[monsterowl]

MsSampson I cut and pasted from TalcAndTurnips Haven't had personal experience of the literary geniuses that are Cubitt & West ...

[Karenthetoadslayer]

In the "rolling countryside" = in the middle of nowhere with only a dirt track leading to it and the dirt track belongs to somebody else who can cut you off any time he likes.

[TalcAndTurnips]

Can we throw down a gauntlet to link to the worst C&W property blurb?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Oh, I like that one talc.

Imagine after that busy day you are able to pull up at your proud property and parking in your own garage which has electric doors. Being greeted by your wonderful family and the smell of dinner baking as you step through your front door, shut all the stress behind you.

Why do I suspect they 'imagine' you are a 1950s husband in this picture?