What phrases do you dislike from estate agents details...

[KitschinSynch]

My pet hates are:
"this fine home" related to any Victorian house
"buff interior" buff meaning fit rather than the colour...
I will add more when they come to me :)

[beccajoh]

Vanity unit = cupboard under the sink

Panelled bath (is a bath panel a desirable feature?)

[Soonish]

Elsie I live very near a place like that.... does it begin with a B?

[donnie]

am loving this thread! the EAs around here are all like that!

'Imposing property'
'comprises of'
'viewing strongly advised' - as if you'd pay £850k for a house you hadn't even seen !

Has anyone else observed that ALL male EAs wear extremely pointy shoes? I swear they do - it's like a secret uniform.

[MrsFlorrick]

Karron. The F&B one. Was it this one??
www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/full-description/property-48197525.html

I literally spat tea out reading it. So we should all be paying extra for the over prices abode because it supposedly has F&B on the walls??

[SarfEasticated]

I want to know how I get me one of those fancy "Gally" kitchens...

I saw this today:

Affording a variety of features, including generous accommodation, the property denotes an ideal family home.

ooh ladidah!

[caravela]

I saw a listing the other day that used the phrase 'Italianate garden'. Apparently what this means is a tiny patio, because that's just like having your own Tuscan villa.

Most of the streets in our town are 'prestigious'. Some of these 'prestigious' streets even have 'prestigious' positions within them, and both sides of the road are described as 'the prestigious east/west side of XX road'.

Also saw a house advertised located on the ringroad (24 hour a day roaring traffic going past at 60 mpg) that described it as a 'leafy avenue' (well, yes, there are trees along it).

[aoife24]

houses 'achieving' certain prices. it's largely just luck if prices go up and and you get to catch the market, they make it sound like it's some , well, achievement.
Also 'in need of some modernisation': a depressing old tip not seen a lick of paint or a new bathroom/kitchen since 1977.

[SarfEasticated]

"ooh look at my floor plan, it's much more sprawling than yours"...

[MerryMarigold]

Toomuchtea, I think the Hitchin EA was thinking of that property when he wrote the description I quoted above! "An absolute joy to view." I actually really love that phrase.

[LaundryFairy]

"Must be viewed internally" - supposed to mean looks better on the inside than from the road. In fact, almost always looks worse.

[MerryMarigold]

Here's a classic EA sentence structure (or lack of): "The property is situated in Debden's prime location, overlooking a small green, very rarely available in this location being ideal for Davenant Foundation School."

I'm sure EAs have their own grammar books, and special courses to study their rules of grammar.

[Borka]

Not a classic phrase or cliche, but I did enjoy hearing an EA telling viewers that our flat had an 'emulsion heater'.

[mrsspagbol]

Agapanthers you have made my night:-

"Add message | Report | Message poster AgaPanthers Tue 16-Sep-14 19:07:02
"sure to please First Time Buyers and Buy To Let investors alike." - ex-council shithole

"Perfectly suited for a young family." - two small bedrooms

"larger than average" - average

"charming" - tiny

"contemporary" - all the furniture is cheap Ikea shit

"fashionable area" - you'll get stabbed, but there's good ethnic food locally

"patio garden" - there's 10-square feet of concrete out the back

"boasting an eat-in kitchen" - there's no dining room

"investment opportunity" - falling-down shithole

"purpose-built development" - ex-council flat

"spacious" - average

"rarely available" - overpriced

"prime location" - above a kebab shop on a busy main road

"well proportioned" - lots of tiny rooms

"centrally located" - you can hear the trains go past every 30 seconds

"convenient" - your doorstep gets vomited on every night by clubbers

"mature gardens" - the garden's so overgrown it's starting to digest the house"

[AgaPanthers]

"newly refurbished" - the vendor bought it six months ago and wants £100k profit for putting in some laminate and a B&Q kitchen

"stunning" - see "newly refurbished"

"one of X's most sought-after roads" - you could get the same thing for 25% less 200 yards down the road

"deceptively spacious" - sorry there's no garage, it's been converted into living accommodation

"period conversion" - 10 years ago you could have bought the whole house for what we're charging for a third of it

"dream location" - backs onto the railway line

"new-built executive home" - yes, they really have squeezed four five-bedroom houses into the garden of that old bungalow

"offering adaptable accommodation" - no, the current owners didn't like living on three floors either. Perhaps if you get a lodger you might be able to afford it?

"cash buyers only" - the whole thing is about to collapse

"well-proportioned" - all the rooms are equally small

"well presented" - there are some twigs in a vase

"fantastic opportunity" - for the owner to make a 200% profit at your expense

"halls adjoining" - expensive semi

"studio" - breaches EU regulations on cattle accommodation

"bijoux" - French for 'fuck me, this place is tiny'

"pied-a-terre" - the French sure do have a lot of words for 'tiny flat'

[SarfEasticated]

[Matildathecat]

This was how my London outskirts property was billed:

Semi rural aspect.

Because there was a bowling green behind us!

[Housemum]

Our local estate agents all seem to have "internal viewing recommended" - because obviously I buy a house from the internet picture all the time. Talk about stating the obvious!

[AllTheNamesIWantHaveGone]

We have just bought a flat which - according to the Estate Agent particulars - is painted in 'our favourite Farrow & Ball shade'.

Lucky it wasn't a shade they didn't like .....

[Dawndonnaagain]

Any of the shite described by Fine and Country. It's awful.

Do take a look at the Full Brochure

[cantthinkofanewnameatall]

Was going to post that about Fine and Country but I couldn't remember their company name.
If the owners love their properties that much, how come they're all moving then?

[Cullercoats88]

Must admit, after a very stressful recent move, I hate all estate agents. You have to ask ten questions to get one straight answer!! We asked if one property the agents had arranged us to see had a garden, they said "it has a wonderful view" "it has beautifully kept windows" "it has a lovely display of hanging baskets by the porch" yes but does it have a bloody garden!!??! No was the answer. Enough to drive you insane.

[BlackbirdOnTheWire]

Another hater of 'quirky' - or even 'qwerky', as one EA had it - here.

I also don't want a house "with exciting possibilities" (it didn't have a bathroom - exciting possibilities indeed!) or worse, "awaiting the right special person"(!!).

My favourite, though, was viewing a house with one of those awful first-person owner quotations: 'This is a family house filled with life, love and laughter. Many joyous evenings have been spent celebrating happy occasions on the extensive terrace or leaning against the expansive kitchen island, glass in hand. "The sunsets are spectacular from the master bedroom balcony, and it's a wonderful spot to keep an eye on teenage summer parties below" says the owner. "I hope another family will be as happy as we have been" '.

Idyllic, really, except the owners were selling due to divorce.

[Poledra]

DH and I last bought a house in 2002 but, since that time, all propertiewhich are a house on one level are known as 'bunaglows'. We thought it was a typo in the advert - noooo, the EA repeated it....

We did not buy the bunaglow.