Looking for a new private school + area for DC (7 & 4) — single working mum, want diversity not elitism

[mumcf1987]

Hi all,

I’m hoping for some advice from anyone who knows schools/areas around the Cotswolds, Oxford or New Forest/Winchester.

I’m a single working mum with two DC (7 and 4). Dad contributes but day-to-day it’s very much just me. They’re currently in a private school near Ascot but it’s extremely elitist — we just don’t fit in. Hardly any mums work, the environment is very privileged, and it’s just not the type of upbringing I want for my two.

I’d like a school that:

• Has bursaries/scholarships available – not because I need one, but because schools that offer them tend to have a more diverse, grounded mix of families.
• Isn’t ultra-pushy or status-driven, but still offers good academics and pastoral care.
• Ideally has a strong community feel, where working parents aren’t an anomaly.
• Goes through to 18 preferably.

I’m also looking to move house, so I’m open to relocating within about 1 hour from Ascot, but not towards London as I need better value for money housing-wise. Areas I’m considering:

• Cotswolds
• Oxford / Oxfordshire villages
• New Forest
• Winchester

If anyone has recommendations for schools or specific towns/villages with a down-to-earth vibe, good state options nearby (just in case) and safe communities for young kids, I’d really appreciate it.

Thank you!

Cokethorpe was amazing for my son. Beautiful grounds, great pastoral care and very good sports facilities. Damien the headmaster has recently retired, so there is a new head.

For my son it was brilliant and I can't praise it enough.

Agreed. And private isn’t better so this elitist attitude based on a sweeping generalisation is against what you want in a school.

The irony is delicious.

And maybe your are being exceptionally rude and aggressive to anyone that doesn’t agree with you?

I will add Cokethorpe was a real mix of parents. I was a lone parent when I applied and received a bursary.

Rencomb Colllege near Cirencester? Hardly a diverse part of the world, but country and horsey rather than a academic hothouse.

I don’t need anyone to agree with me. You’re strangers and have no impact on my life whatsoever.

In your opinion maybe not, in my opinion it is and as they are my children it’s my opinion that matters. Please feel free to leave the post if you don’t like my attitude and save space for the genuine people trying to help.

I can’t wait to go and look round. Can I ask what your thoughts are on the local area and nice places to live?

I will
Message you.

I get what you mean, OP. I think some posters are being a bit dense.

There's well-off and then there's off-the-scale wealthy.

Many well-off children will still have a childhood comparable to other children with similar childhood experiences. Whereas very wealthy families often live in a completely different world.

Swimming lessons at the leisure-centre? Oh, where's that, our kids just use the pool in the basement?

I have to say, as a working mother I can see OP’s point.

I wouldn’t want my children to be surrounded by SAHP families, in their cohorts and friendship groups, because I want them to have the same ambition to work their parents do, regardless of their gender. I would not want them to grow up believing that all they had to do is marry well, and I’d be concerned if their adult influences reflected that. We’ve worked hard for what we have, and I would expect my children to too.

I wouldn’t want my children to have never encountered a poor person, to have absolutely any level of snobbery or privilege. I would want them to be able to acknowledge we have more, be grateful for it, and be humble in that.

Thank you, really appreciate it x

What makes you think her financial situation is precarious?

Thank you for putting it so eloquently. There’s absolutely a distinction between well off and super wealthy. My kids lead a very normal life, we have many friends who have children at state schools and their kids are some of my kids’ closest friends. Anyone who has had their children at private school can see there is a distinction and indeed that private schools can differ wildly from each other. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting my kids to go to a school where there are more families with similar circumstances to ours and wanting them to be more grounded rather than thinking it’s normal to go away with their friend’s family for the weekend and fly on private jet then wonder why we don’t have one 😂

Perfectly put!

This is what I asked the author of the comment! Very presumptuous to assume that!

If you're looking for diversity and working parents, look at Haberdashers' or Merchant Taylors near Watford. We go swimming there with my DS and the cohort seems to be over 70% Indian with parents working as professionals on high salaries. There is also St Margaret's nearby. The property prices are still affordable there (just inside M25) and not as crazy as in London.

Take a look at the area guides, free to access at www.goodschoolsguide.co.uk

Yes it's very bizarre. It's like OP wants to remain in the richest, most elitist postcodes but have her children rub shoulders with poor kids on bursaries so she can indulge in reverse snobbery of giving them "real" experiences. Exactly the same as white saviours who go to third world countries to enrich themselves and take loads of pictures for social media and use the poverty they experienced there as dinner party anecdotes for the rest of their life.

FWIW, there isn't a single private school where all parents are snobby elitists. It's statistically impossible. In every single school you have a cohort of fairly normal, down to earth families, but obviously some schools tend to get overshadowed by the flashier ones. It's all down to the parents and kids to choose which peers they want to socialise with. OP also has a chip on her shoulder about being a working parent. I would be very, very, very surprised if not a single mum from her current private school works as well. By nature, private school kids come from more educated parents and there HAS to be enough mothers who still want to keep working. How can that number be 0 as implied?

I do have a job actually but probably one that you hate. I get to set my own hours, don't have a boss, WFH whenever I want and still pick up my kids up from our private school like a SAHP.

I actually adore working, as a GP I love helping others every day and being kind and compassionate to strangers…..o certainly don’t have a ‘chip’ about working 😂 otherwise I wouldn’t have studied and trained as hard as I did to get where I am. Perhaps you should take a leaf out of my book and show some courtesy to strangers rather than troll them online?

I won’t be responding to any other negative comments. Thank you for all the kind, supportive and informative messages. I will continue to read these and all your advice is so warmly welcomed.

I think that you’re looking for some ‘like others’ rather than diversity and that’s perfectly fine. Private school threads bring out the worst in Mumsnet. Some can’t possibly fathom the economic diversity and it’s HUGE that exists in private schools. It’s very different to be at a school where most kids have private planes and helicopters vs one where most parents are two working professionals driving a Skoda. Your situation is even trickier because you’re a single mum which going to automatically exclude you from the dinner party set. But honestly it all matters so little when your kids get older. In a few years the kids arrange the play dates and you have very little to do with the parents. I’d be cautious about cokethorpe. It tends to be where those who get managed out of other schools go. You’d be far better off with somewhere like Abingdon for an all through.

It does seem that way- it’s my first time posting on here so I’m in shock and disbelief that people behave in this way.

That’s really interesting about Cokethorpe.

So true about the dinner party set!

Abingdon has come up a few times with people recommending but one poster said pastoral wasn’t great and kids unhappy- do you have any insight into this? X