Looking for a new private school + area for DC (7 & 4) — single working mum, want diversity not elitism

[mumcf1987]

Hi all,

I’m hoping for some advice from anyone who knows schools/areas around the Cotswolds, Oxford or New Forest/Winchester.

I’m a single working mum with two DC (7 and 4). Dad contributes but day-to-day it’s very much just me. They’re currently in a private school near Ascot but it’s extremely elitist — we just don’t fit in. Hardly any mums work, the environment is very privileged, and it’s just not the type of upbringing I want for my two.

I’d like a school that:

• Has bursaries/scholarships available – not because I need one, but because schools that offer them tend to have a more diverse, grounded mix of families.
• Isn’t ultra-pushy or status-driven, but still offers good academics and pastoral care.
• Ideally has a strong community feel, where working parents aren’t an anomaly.
• Goes through to 18 preferably.

I’m also looking to move house, so I’m open to relocating within about 1 hour from Ascot, but not towards London as I need better value for money housing-wise. Areas I’m considering:

• Cotswolds
• Oxford / Oxfordshire villages
• New Forest
• Winchester

If anyone has recommendations for schools or specific towns/villages with a down-to-earth vibe, good state options nearby (just in case) and safe communities for young kids, I’d really appreciate it.

Thank you!

It’s a reasonably point. Neither the sector nor the areas you’re looking in are known for being especially diverse,
other than Oxford. And I say that as someone who’s DD is at a private secondary, albeit in south east London which is reasonably diverse because it can’t help being 🤣.

I sense a massive chip here…..if I’ve offended you that badly please feel free to remove yourself from my post

Surely it’s a good thing that the OP would prefer a down to earth rather than an elitist vibe. She hasn’t been offensive. My children are at state and we will never dream of affording private but yet I can’t imagine feeling upset about her post. It’s obviously a reasonable question since she’s had a number of
recommendations.

Why would you not consider a state school that meets your criteria? There would be some very good state schools in those areas and your housing budget would surely massively increase allowing you to move into catchment for the very best.

Surely no private school is going to have that many kids on bursaries. They will always be elitist by nature.

Thank you so much for your comment. This is my first time on Mumsnet and it’s honestly so upsetting how people have been so negative and confrontational. I’m just trying to do the best for my children. I find it so strange that people would want to start an argument or debate when they have no idea of the context of the move and it isn’t their business. You never know what someone is going through so you should always be kind. There’s various reasons why I have chosen private for my children rather than state and these are personal but also if I choose to go without to send my children there then that’s my choice! Private schools, as with everything else come in many different shapes and sizes and the one we are at now is very elitist and not the same as when we started there 5 years ago but they very much aren’t all like that! The lady that mentioned ‘you want your kids to be seen to hang out with the riff raff’- I am the riff raff but this doesn’t mean my children can’t have a private education if I think it’s best for them and I’m willing to pay for it. It’s just a shame that everyone is so quick to judge and be unkind. Thanks again for your supportive post.

Thank you for starting the thread OP. I know exactly what you mean and it's a question I have too as I'm not sure we have the right balance at our current school, so am reading the replies with interest.

She might have had recommendations but every one of them is elitist by nature.

There isn’t really down to earth private though. The least prestigious ones are financially challenged and won’t have the bursaries the op wants. If you need a nursery by definition you cannot afford private. At prep, dc won’t get a bursary unless they are very bright and very poor. Not sure if OP’s dc are this.

Most of us who know Ascot know the schools there are first class and we know non working parents who use one of them - don’t we!? So the op rejects this type of school for a little known prep where there’s people like her - or not. It’s all a bit judgemental for my liking. Why not like mums who don’t work?

Oxfordshire, Northamptonshire and Bucks both have less prestigious prep schools. My choice of prep is always allied to destinations. 11 or 13? What quality of senior school? Boarding or day? Very academic if not? Or state grammar as in Bucks? Op doesn’t seem to have a plan but needs one!

I don’t think there’s huge diversity in background or race out of London in private schools. Many less prestigious ones are in the countryside or small towns. They aren’t diverse in any sense. They are all elite. If parents didn’t want elite, they would go to a state school! This is also where destinations come in - state at 11 or expensive elite secondary - and they are all elite by definition!

St Gabriel’s would be my suggestion too and Newbury would fit with better value than Ascot. it also has good state options - in a variety of different styles of school.

If you're looking for a degree of racial / financial diversity in the private sector I would strongly recommend reconsidering London. I appreciate housing costs are higher but I think if you're looking at eg. north London many parents live further out and travel in. Not sure outskirts of north London are hugely pricier than the Cotswolds or Oxfordshire. Agree with a PP who said that outside London there is very little diversity in private schooling. (speaking as someone with experience of both). Best of luck in your search and ignore people trying to pick a fight!

The boarding preps I know (particularly in Oxford!) and the better traditional public schools are noticeably diverse in their intake. Obviously so as parents come from all over the world.

If the OP is choosing to pay for education, or has children and circumstances that merit bursary assistance, she is perfectly entitled to look for the ethos and environment that suit her and her children.

That isn't quite true. A single sex, state, faith school with a small catchment is about the least diverse place you can be in. I have taught in a few.

If you read my original post you’d see that I don’t need a bursary. I pay the school fees in full and will continue to do so.

Presume you want Oxfordshire Cotswolds? If looking further afield into Gloucestershire Cotswolds, then Wycliffe College near Stroud would fit the bill. The prep is small but surprisingly diverse, not elitist and most mums work. It has a large senior school as well.

Thanks for your message! I’d like to know where some of these commenters send their kids so I can avoid if I’m honest! To pick a fight with a stranger who is just trying to do the best by her children is tantamount to bullying and not very good behaviour to be modelling on their children!

Thanks very much, will have a look at this!

I also have many mum friends that don’t work actually. I like people for who they are and not what they have/do etc. However, I have found that not all people have the same mantra hence why I am looking to move. Not sure what you mean by ‘we know non working parents who use one of them - don’t we’??

I think the problem you’re looking at is that you’re looking at non diverse areas which are not easily commutable to big cities and where fees are on par with London fees. Effectively you’re going to heavily into the lots of money not working territory. The down to earth private schools tend to be the academically selective ones where parents sacrifice a lot to get their children the best education they can because they are better than the state schools

you are then often looking at going towards the big cities where places like Haberdashers, City of London, Manchester grammar where you’ll have an ethnic and relatively speaking economic diversity of children. You’re far less likely to get it in the very white and undiverse areas you’re considering. Fees drop considerably further north too. What you’re paying over £30k Pa for in London and the surroundings is around £18k in Manchester / Leeds / Birmingham and these will be more diverse

I know you don’t want to hear it but you really may be better off with a great state primary followed by private or possibly a grammar school at 11.

My daughter attends a private school (in London so no help to you) and I absolutely did pick it over the other one we applied to because I met no working mums at the other school and at ours, the majority had two working parents. I didn’t want my daughter growing up thinking women don’t work and the mums I have met at my DD’s school are fabulous with impressive careers and jobs.

Despite that, I could not describe the school as “diverse” either financially, socially, or racially (I’m British Indian and my daughter is mixed race so I did want that if possible). But that’s the reality of private schools these days, especially at primary school. There is slightly more diversity, but not much, at senior school level because people save hard for years to afford it. When I attended private secondary school, 30 years ago, you absolutely could have “poorer” kids attending (I was one of them!) but now that fees have leapt well beyond inflation for the last 30 years, in truth it is not really possible.

Just saying this because I think it is really important to be realistic about how diverse private schools really are or can be. Which is not very! That’s not to say don’t do it, we certainly did despite the lack of diversity issue. Best of luck, OP.

You could consider Crosfields School and Oratory Prep for primary. Crosfields esp. is very diverse and non elitist with excellent pastoral care. Reading Blue Coat (Sonning) annd Abingdon School are great choices for secondary and are both featured in the Sunday Times top 100 independent schools.

Thanks so much! I find it so bizarre how mean people have been! Really terrifies me as what sort of behaviour is that modelling for their children! I’m not looking for a bursary - we pay the school fees in full and will continue to do so. I would like a school though that welcomes children from less fortunate backgrounds and not just those with parents with very deep pockets. I want my children to be friends with people from all different walks of life and treat everyone the same. I’m not sure what is so wrong with that. Imagine if I said in my post that I only want a school that doesn’t welcome children on bursaries or scholarships 😂 that would be wrong too! Some people just want to fight and this is why there is bullying in schools as children are the behaviour in their parents!

It might not be to “tick a box” it might be because the op doesn’t come from inherited wealth and will feel more comfortable around others that are similar.

Thank you! I fully appreciate that private schools by their very nature are not as financially/socially diverse as state schools as they are bloody expensive! However, I do think there is a massive range within the private sector and some will be more diverse than others. I have the same concerns as you did when choosing a school and due to how our current school has evolved over the past 5 years it’s no longer what it was when I chose it. On the spectrum, I don’t think you could get a more elitist school so I’m looking for a happy medium. I too, want my daughter to meet (and be surrounded by) inspiring working women with excellent careers and not think that a woman’s role is to grow up and marry a rich man. I have my own career that I am proud of and that’s what I want for my daughter. I’m not sure where all the hate on this post has come from! We all have our own preferences for our children but unfortunately many people on this post can’t respect that.

Correct!

Great options, thanks for your help!