Private schools - Are you all rich

[Whatsitreallylike]

Divisive I know, and not a popular MN thing to say (name changed), but I want to send my DD to a local private school.

Its 4-11 only, and is known to be a feeder school to the local grammar (nothing guaranteed of course) so I’d like to give it a shot. I know a lot of 11+ tutoring is also required etc.. and if unsuccessful DD will likely be going to local comp secondary if not grammar as nothing else really around (no private secondaries for some distance).

Heres the question, will my DD be bullied for not being ‘rich’.
We have a combined income of £170k pa and not huge outgoings so we’re comfortable, but we’re not rich. We live in a 3 bed semi, have a few investment properties but on the face of it we’re very average. We can afford the extra curricular, school trips, clothes etc… but wondered what average looks like at these schools and will she be faced with comments like ‘you have a small house’, ‘your mums car is 5 years old’ etc… I don’t want her to be an outsider and would rather her at the local state school if she’d be more comfortable there.

With it being a grammar ‘feeder’ I imagine many parents may be in a similar boat to us, comfortable but not flash, investing early in education and hoping for the best. If your kids go to a 4-11 independent school, could you please tell me if I’m right or wrong to be worried please?

Why not sell a property and really splash the cash if you are worried 😉

My question was whether this would make my DD a target, as she may be seen to be an outsider.

It’s highly unlikely that every dc lives in a mansion & therefore your DD would get targeted for not living in one. She may be targeted for something else, you need to visit the school & ask about their bullying policies if concerned.

Our combined income is similar to yours, and I would say it is fine.
Some (most) families are definitely way more comfortable (and with only one parent working) but there are others that are similar to us and a few that are even ‘poorer’. The children don’t really care at that age. No impact on friendships/playdates.
To give an example: some bday parties are a trip to see a West End show followed by dinner, some are a picnic in the local park - both are well attended.

Several investment properties and £170k income will be better off than many at day private schools so you have nothing about which to worry. Also children don't really treat their friends based on income etc. They just know they like that person or not the other person and it is nothing to do with money.

I put our 5 through private school from 4 - 18 and paid their university fees and other costs (no loans). I don't regard myself as "rich" but I know I have a lot more money than most people in the UK. I was more than happy to buy school uniform from the private school's second hand shop etc

You will be fine. However if you get your child used to private school then at 11 particularly if they don't get into grammar it may be a bit of a change to go into a state comp so you may want to consider if you could afford fees to age 18 for the child.

Basically you are saying that you're rich but you're not flashy rich. And will private parents judge you for not being flashy?

Is it the parents you are worrying about or the kids? My DC thought a family up the road were really rich because they could "afford" for their kids to have cold McDonalds in their packed lunch every day 😬😬😬

At my DCs private prep school there is a huge range. Some parents have so much money they wouldn't even notice the fees. Some parents find it a struggle to pay the fees and live in flats, don't take holidays, etc, to afford it. The vast majority of people raise their children not to talk about money, not to show off if they have it, and not to make judgy comments about people less well off than them. In any environment there will be parents and kids who are jerks about their wealth, but you'll get that anywhere.

If you can afford it. You will fit right in. There will be people with less than you.

Enjoy.

To be perfectly honest, with your income she’s probably more likely to be bullied in state for being “posh”.

You’ve said yourself the school is a feeder for grammar. The really wealthy parents will not be considering grammar schools for their kids. So that probably lowers the overall wealth of the parent population.

I’d also point out that rich people are not all flashy. A kid in my son’s class lives in a house worth £4 million. The school runs second hand uniform sales to raise money for bursaries and I volunteer by managing them. We are always selling stuff to that kid’s Mum and lots of other people who have very expensive houses and cars. My point being that they can easily afford new but they have the same views that I do about it being a waste of money and reuse/recycle being better for the environment.The kids don’t give a toss about wearing second hand clothes.

Oh for christs sake op

My 2 oldest go to a private senior school (fees are c35k) and my middle goes to a prep (fees are c25k). This is to give you an idea of the level that we are at and not a stealth boast.
We are similar to you - we don't appear to be particularly wealthy, we have a normal house, one normal car, we wear normal clothes and go on normal holidays.

My daughter was best friends with an incredibly rich family who are absolutely down to Earth and we generally knew a mixture - lot of people like us, some not so well off, some much more.

Some amazing cars, no flashy clothes and not even a whiff of snobbish behaviour, which would be considered so crass.

Still moans about the cost of school trips, party food was still bought from Lidl, second hand uniform shop was thriving.

I found it less snobby then the state primary my youngest goes to - perhaps because everyone feels secure in their place.

All things are relative of course.
You are rich compared to the vast majority of the population OP. So am I, though not as rich as you. But still definitely well off. At the independent school my DC went to you would look very typical I would think - most of the families were well paid local professionals/small business owners etc, one or two "old money" families and a few overseas boarders who I suspect were fairly wealthy but I never actually met their parents.
However, there are some schools favoured by the super rich where yes, you probably would be looked down on. One of my distant relatives sent their children to a school where some of their peers included children of Russian Oligarchs and European nobility, plus a few celebs, football players etc. In that company you'd be considered poor, as indeed my relative's children were. (In "real world" terms of course they are not!) I am not aware that they were bullied as such, but they were definitely excluded from the inner circles of the super rich kids.
So it depends what kind of school you're thinking of, but assuming it's a typical local private school then I'd guess you'll be a fairly typical parent.

I honestly think these kinds of OP’s are planted to froth up anti-private education sentiments. What a load of bollocks OP (from a parent of 3 dc at indie schools).

Your household income is 4.6 times the UK average. You are not ‘comfortable’, you are rich. There will be plenty of grammar school pupils with parents on UC. You’re worrying about nothing.

Just don't invite the kids over to your house ever, get a new car, start a rumour you're related to the Beckhams and you'll be fine.

No it will be fine. You have a larger income than us albeit we have a larger house. Dd is at private secondary. Kids live in all different sized houses. One of her friend’s mums has featured in a tv series and their house is biiig. Others are on bursaries. Some live in relatively modest housing. Little kids don’t notice the size of houses really. And even at secondary, the best house isn’t necessarily the biggest. It’s the most welcoming home. I strive for the most welcoming.

How can it be a feeder for a grammar?

the fact that you think your income of 179k and few investment properties are not classed as rich tells me you are so out of touch.

people work in warehouses full time for 21k

your child will be just fine.

I'm with you there ....

No I wouldn’t say so- at our children’s school most parents have 2 who earn solicitor / doctor type combo. My husband’s a CEO , I don’t work (he works abroad a lot so I’m the main person at home) but we’re quite unusual.

Also the parents are older than us. Most have 10 year olds and are from mid 40 s onwards. My eldest is 10 and I’m 35 so I think a lot of people can afford it purely as they had children later.

Theres a few very well off or old school money, who have their own businesses , but most are just working parents paying month by month.

I absolutely love the parents and children who go. They are such a great bunch and would recommend it whole heartedly. We have the best friends, the mums go on holiday each year and the dads also (separately!) weekend trips. We do a lot of socialising with them.

Is there some kind of medal you are hoping for, for living your life like this?

I would say it is quite unusual for any of DCs peers to live such a modest looking lifestyle. Most have parents with high incomes and some degree of family wealth too. I don't really ask about salaries but knowing the jobs most school parents do yours would be somewhat on the low side (certainly for those with multiple children at private school)

Mine don't really chat about friends houses but they do sort of assume their friends will live in biggish houses.

I think it's fine to choose a really meagre lifestyle for yourself but I hope you won't impose that on your daughter. I am all for being sensible, and made sure we were very financially secure before sending the children private. But life is also for living and holidays and treats add colour to life.

60% of the children in this school go on to local grammar for secondary education. It is the largest intake (by far) that they have from any one school. So it is referred to locally as a ‘feeder’.

Op I work full time and bring in a total of around 30k pa before tax

You are objectively rich. and fucking ridiculously out of touch

90% of kids at our prep when on to the same grammar - therefore it’s referred to as a main feeder school.

It’s not, it’s just that people in grammar areas hot house their kids in an attempt to get them into state grammars for secondary.

So no, chances are your kids and their peers will be largely oblivious to differentials in family wealth. My kids went to private school for 8 years and there was a range of incomes - from a local plumber/teachers/nurses to a billionaire tech giant/Oscar winners/TV celebs. Most of the kids could care less.

However, there are cheaper ways to get your kids into the local grammar - for which you already acknowledge there will be a need for tutoring on top of fees. And what of the impact of your child NOT getting in when most of their classmates do? Don’t you see that maintaining friendships establish in Reception year will likely become hard to foster if your child is in the local comprehensive? They will then carry the stigma at the school of bing the kids from the private school, when their peers at the comprehensive have known each other in primary?

I’d only do private up to 11 if your plan B is a private secondary - so would financially plan for this - or you find the best of the local primaries (ideally ones that also feeds into the grammar) and invest in tutoring from y5. Also I’d note that the Labour party are as anti grammars as they are private schools, so the school you are aiming for may not actually be around in its current form in 7-10 years anyway.