Private schools - Are you all rich

[Whatsitreallylike]

Divisive I know, and not a popular MN thing to say (name changed), but I want to send my DD to a local private school.

Its 4-11 only, and is known to be a feeder school to the local grammar (nothing guaranteed of course) so I’d like to give it a shot. I know a lot of 11+ tutoring is also required etc.. and if unsuccessful DD will likely be going to local comp secondary if not grammar as nothing else really around (no private secondaries for some distance).

Heres the question, will my DD be bullied for not being ‘rich’.
We have a combined income of £170k pa and not huge outgoings so we’re comfortable, but we’re not rich. We live in a 3 bed semi, have a few investment properties but on the face of it we’re very average. We can afford the extra curricular, school trips, clothes etc… but wondered what average looks like at these schools and will she be faced with comments like ‘you have a small house’, ‘your mums car is 5 years old’ etc… I don’t want her to be an outsider and would rather her at the local state school if she’d be more comfortable there.

With it being a grammar ‘feeder’ I imagine many parents may be in a similar boat to us, comfortable but not flash, investing early in education and hoping for the best. If your kids go to a 4-11 independent school, could you please tell me if I’m right or wrong to be worried please?

I just came across it randomly.. and now I'm speechless 🤣

How the other half live eh 🤭

We didn't choose to send our kids to private school, but know plenty of people locally who did and many (most?) of those live in very average sized houses, with older unflash cars and don't go on expensive holidays. Either because that is all they can afford after paying for multiple children to attend private school, or because the money is largely coming from grandparents.

Or perhaps living in that house is perfectly suited to them and they don't value driving around flashy cars? It doesn't have to mean they can't afford it or money is coming from grandparents.

That's possible too. In fact, quite likely for the unflashy cars! But I believe that the various people I am thinking of would move to nicer houses and/or spend more on holidays if they had a higher income or were spending less on private school fees.

Some of them I know for sure are funded by grandparents.

You've just described how we live: "live in very average sized houses, with older unflash cars and don't go on expensive holidays"
We dont have grandparent money so make choices. We value education over a bigger house/flash cars etc. We also actively chose to only have 1 child. Even if we weren't paying for school fees we still wouldn't buy a bigger house etc cos we just don't place value on those things.

But I was talking about the people I know! See my answer above.

There is a positive correlation between two things. First, people who are highly educated, hence high earners, and who are often closer to corporate/political power power & influence than others. Second, people who recognise that much of consumer culture is bread and circuses. The people in the intersection of this venn diagram know that consumer culture is designed by the powerful to make money and also to placate people who have less power so that instead of revolution, the plebs are encourages to try to keep up and set more store on looking like they have a lot of fancy goods. So, for these folk, there's no need to have fancy clothes, holidays, constantly redecorating the house, etc. In fact it's slightly embarrassing and makes you look unintelligent. This means that doing private school, plus having an old car, is completely coherent as a worldview.

On the other hand, there's also a positive correlation between people who send their children to private school and flash, showy, shallow utter wankers who are all about looking better than others.

So your experience as a parent can be quite varied depending on who's in your class! in every sense ;)

@Tiedyesquad that is well articulated. We're in the kids at private school but otherwise live quite simple life camp and it confuses the hell out of people. We've actually just ordered a new EV, a Skoda, and friends laughed and said 'but you have kids at private school' is if there is a direct correlation between private school and Range Rover. We don't care about cars. I'd be embarrassed in a RR. My friends with kids in state school are flashier than my friends with kids in private school.

DD’s friend who’s at private ( along with 2 siblings) was explaining how none of her friends at school or posh or rich … except I know the parents and they earn around £350-£400k between them and the fees for the schools are about £90k for the 3 kids a year…

so it really is all subjective! I consider the fried who lives in a massive house, with a pool, gym etc to be rich by most standards!

Friends child ( parental income circa £130k) was so badly bullied in her private secondary that they had to leave after 6 months for her safety and mental health.
the child just didn’t ’fit In’ apparently… they had a part sports bursary for her.
She’s now very happy a local state secondary where her sports skills are valued, not seen as not fitting in…

Your wealth compared to the rest of the population is not subjective. It is a fact that a very small number of people have a household income of 400K.
You DD's friend sounds ignorant if she really thinks 400K is not rich. The £30K school fees don't seem to have taught her about life outside her private school bubble.

Being posh - yeah, that's subjective.

That is a shame but I would imagine its school specific.
My DD was on a 25% academic scholarship and was never treated as any different. DS is at the same school and while there are plenty of families richer than us he has a great friend group
We are in Yorkshire though so no Bankers etc and most families are pretty ordinary compared to what you probably see at some Private schools.

Who is rich is hard to say because the word rich is not defined anywhere; whereas as statement like 10% of people in the UK earn over £70,000 is a fact (when I last checked - this is the group with the highest tax burden in 70 years under the Tories and now Labour who also now have £10k a year VAT on school fees assuming 2 children from Jan 2025 our of taxed income so about £16,600 of income needed to pay that school fees tax alone)

Single parent here with two in private. I earn circa 85k but I have no mortgage so pretty much what I earn goes on the school and bills, no saving each month. The school didn't give me any bursary as I have my house. In my school, most are couples with the dad working a very good job, the mum is home with the kids/au pair etc. I'm easily one of the poorer ones with one mum actually running over to me early on offering me their hand me downs (she didn't know me!) however the kids are not treated differently.