Oh my God... I just argued with DS's teacher!

[Lycraphobe]

I only tried to have a chat with her about how difficult Ds finds the homework and how this has turned to impossible in the last week. I tried to teach it to him but it was too sophisticated a notion for him and he just couldn't get his head around it. (it was a couple of words in his spelling homework for which he had to write sentences showing that he understood the word).
Anyway the teacher kept saying "well, that's the programme I am following" and "he must do it", even when I explained that it isn't won't but can't, even with my help. The only option is for me to do it for him because she punishes him if it doesn't get done.

It all got a bit heated. She told me to go away and think about what she had said. I suggested that she thought about what I had said and that she spent time considering whether the work she is setting is achievable. At that point she took the huff and basically tried to close the door in my face!

Oh God! I wish I hadn't bothered even trying now! I hope she doesn't take it out on DS (as one of the teaching assistants confided in me: DS's teacher is inexperienced and she lacks empathy). Where do I go from here? He is in Yr3.

Well done. You handled it brilliantly.

Why is your DH so scared of criticising a teacher?

My DH hates to upset or offend anyone. When i was pregnant and slow moving he would push me out of the way into a doorway in the street if someone behind me might want to get past!
(if I had known he would do that I might not have been willing to get pregnant but it was too late by then!)

Its just his way. People usually really like him because he is always considerate of others. It just being his wife or child that is a problem.

Primarymum - yes! It is becoming clear now!! those are some of the other words last week. If those are all the words in the spelling guide, then the teacher must have made up the other words herself. So she and the Head were telling me a half truth when they said the words were govt provided. If they had told the whole truth, they would have said that the easier ones were govt provided and the more difficult ones were the result of the teachers little ego trip at the children's expense!

Can I find a link to those words online?

support for spelling

Sec 1.44 (pg 44 or 48/124 on my pdf!) of the above ( sorry, I was in the bath!). There are some other -able words in the previous term (sec 1.35) but these are even easier! I think this was an attempt to extend the children's learning a shade too far!

Glad you are making progress on this OP, and that your DH is (kind of) being more helpful now!

Glad the meeting went so well. The HT will form her own opinions and behind the scenes 'input' will be given to that member of staff, probably not a bollocking but action designed to get the best outcome which will be: 1) guidance on dealing with parental queries and concerns 2)the end of unsupervised detention 3)setting appropriate level work.

As a teacher you can get bogged down in so many different things: competing demands of pupils, parents, schemes of work, marking, new initiatives, Ofsted, paperwork ...that sometimes you can lose your way and forget what's really important. Would suggest, if you're feeling generous enough, to give the teacher a chance to address matters; with the head looking over her shoulder she will be doing so asap.

Thanks for your words, Heated. I can see your point. I used to run a business myself so I can understand the head's position because I have been there too when one of my team let me and a client down badly: she can't defend the indefensible, but she can't condemn it either. I understand why the Head would want to patch it up and move on and I can see that this is actually the best option for everyone, including DS.

IMO the teacher is young and inexperienced and because she has little compassion, she is not a natural teacher. She seems to need to bring her authority to bear in order to obfuscate her lack of ability. I've no doubt she will get better as she gets older and gains experience. I certainly don't want to put a blemish on her career (or to even try to do that). Maybe she got a bit carried away with herself this year?

When I first met her, she seemed to be at pains to show how intelligent she is which I thought was a bit odd, as I hadn't thought there was any issue with it. I've met a few people like this before though - mostly men for some reason - and the trick is always to let them know how very clever you think they are as early in the conversation as you can so you can get on with your lives. With this teacher I didn't get a chance to tell her how admiring of her I was (I'd have been lying, but so what if it helped her?) so she started to try to throw big words at the children's homework. Then when I spoke to her about it, the whole thing snowballed.

I think I can see how complex a teacher's job must be, with pushy parents, diverse children and ever increasing governmental demands for reports, implementation of new strategies and measurable improvements and successes. Not to mention the core job of actually teaching!

I will meet her, and try to get through the meeting without incident and then hopefully everything will go back to normal except some of the past excesses will be eradicated or at least tempered! (And of course, I won't speak to her in anything like this language!)

Lycraphobe - yes that's exactly what I mean by differentiation. The words given by the DCSF are examples anyway - they are not set in stone.

I am in the same situation in my daughters' school. My daughter got told off when she couldn't write an essey more than3/4 lines on Cinderella, and she cried telling me about it. She is 5+ in y1. I met the teacher and mentioned that my Ds was very sad, but the teacher said if she can't write properly Ds will get cut off her play time etc. I asked about the support she gets in the class when writing,and what's the method she uses so that I can help her at home. The teacher got angry telling me that if I was challenging her teaching and my daughter didn't come with golden result from Reception!(Ds was above average in the Reception) So she needs to work hard! I understand the 'work hard' bit, but what about the teacher's caring support and sensivity?!

That's awful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone but i think you will have to do what i just did. Go tell the head. one thing that helped a lot - but it took time to do it - was put it all in writing. Then when you hand it over, say that is a full account of what is happening and your concerns. Keep copies of anything you write and if you don't feel that you are getting anywhere, ask for the complaints procedure and for the head to agree to keep your letter on file.

I feel bad for my year 3 boy, but I'd be even more protective if it was my year 1 child because they are so young and vulnerable. I am so sorry for you.

Also do you your best to not say inflammatory things because IF the head isn't ready to privately come down on your side then if you have said inflammatory things (like she is a bitch or is she mad?) then the conversation will come to be about you and your attitude, not the teacher and her skills.

Personally I would have loved to spit out my thoughts about the teacher and the head was urging me to, but I've got enough experience in the business world to know how that can be used against me, so I just kept saying that I had nothing else to add to my comment that I'd found the teacher "inflexible".

In my case, I am still waiting for the head to get back to me. She said I'd hear from her yesterday afternoon, but I didn't. I guess she is having a harder time than she thought working out a way to resolve all this. I feel sorry for her.

Did you hear back from the Head?

no... even though when we spoke to her on Monday she said we'd probably hear from her by Tuesday afternoon.

DS was given an award though at end of half term prize giving for his improved commitment to work (his first ever award) and he received a school all-time record number of gold stars last week

I think what the school are failing to understand is that we are not looking for special treatment for DS but fair treatment for all the children in Y3.

In case anyone who was nice enough to take time out to follow this thread and offer a comment is interested...

The head never got back to me. However it is parents night tonight and we've been given the last slot. the Head said she would be there when we met her that day a couple of weeks ago. DS will be at the meeting too as it is school policy.

I haven't seen the teacher (or head) since that day.

I am really not looking forward to the meeting tonight, but maybe it will just be 10 minutes of nothingness and then we can all go home?

I think they have just quietly let it drop. They probably won't mention it.

I've only just seen this thread, but at the teacher and wanted to wish you luck tonight.

I think that some teachers spend so much time talking to children that they forget how to speak appropriately to adults! I admire your restraint when told to "go away and think about what she had said." They are YOUR children, not the schools and you have every right to discuss your concerns with the class teacher. They are accountable to you. Good luck in the future. I hope you get some of the lovely teachers that are out there.

Lycraphobe - I will be watching with interest to see the outcome of the meeting tonight. I was shocked at your first post - for the teacher to speak so rudely to you was not acceptable at all. I hope you get things resolved tonight.

had the meeting... it was horrible. The head sat in. the teacher talked at length about how DS's achievements should be celebrated (like having settled into the school since arriving in September). Work he has done was mostly mediocre (and I can't see that he has progressed much if at all since he joined e.g. his numeracy is still repeating what he did last year).
The head was there to support the teacher.
The teacher said that DS seems to have suddenly got better in the last two school weeks...she didn't seem to be aware that is the same time since she and I argued, so basically all that has happened is that she has noticed him. However we were asked to "celebrate" this.
Basically it was horrible.

Then I saw DS2's Y1 teacher. She said DS2 is top of the class.. very bright, good attitude etc. Tat was how Ds1 was two years ago. I was very tempted to ask DS2's teacher how surprised she would be if DS2 would be assessed as very average in a couple of years time (but I didn't because it would have been a loaded question).

I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about it. DH and I talked about getting him independently assessed but what would be the point as it would just alienate teacher (and probably head too).

If this was me,I would be inclined to follow up with a letter outlining my ongoing concerns and how you feel about the meeting. I would keep the letter quite brief and unemotional. Keep a copy of the letter for future reference.
This will let the school know that you are not a pushover and might make them improve the quality of their teaching. They will be aware that you are watching what they do. However supportive of the teacher the head might have seemed, I bet she will be keeping a closer eye on things in the future.

Hi Lycraphobe, sorry I haven't caught up with the whole thread but I just wanted to say you should get him independently assessed as you mentioned. Sounds like you need a decent assessment rather than one from a teacher who's not paying enough attention! Even if it alienates teachers, if it's better for your DS it's worth it.

oh dear lycraphobe. how disappointing that the head never got back to you as though nothing ever happened...

is there anyone on pta you could talk to? what is the homework like now?

and my dh is a bit like that, tends to believe the worst of me... he doesn't mean it really but it is rather unsympathetic. that being steered out of people's way thing is very familiar.

I would agree with saslou, and write to the Head outlining your initial concerns, the teacher's rudeness to you, and your unhappiness about the way the whole situation has been handled. However, I would also be sending the letter to the Chair of Governors and the LEA.

Frankly, I am appalled that you have been treated so badly.