Oh my God... I just argued with DS's teacher!

[Lycraphobe]

I only tried to have a chat with her about how difficult Ds finds the homework and how this has turned to impossible in the last week. I tried to teach it to him but it was too sophisticated a notion for him and he just couldn't get his head around it. (it was a couple of words in his spelling homework for which he had to write sentences showing that he understood the word).
Anyway the teacher kept saying "well, that's the programme I am following" and "he must do it", even when I explained that it isn't won't but can't, even with my help. The only option is for me to do it for him because she punishes him if it doesn't get done.

It all got a bit heated. She told me to go away and think about what she had said. I suggested that she thought about what I had said and that she spent time considering whether the work she is setting is achievable. At that point she took the huff and basically tried to close the door in my face!

Oh God! I wish I hadn't bothered even trying now! I hope she doesn't take it out on DS (as one of the teaching assistants confided in me: DS's teacher is inexperienced and she lacks empathy). Where do I go from here? He is in Yr3.

The approach your DS's teacher has to homework seems rather OTT to me. I usually teach Y5/6 and if I set homework I always tell the children that they are to spend no longer than X minutes on it (it is usually possible to tell if someone's not completed it because they couldn't be bothered as opposed to running out of time/not understanding). When it's due in I have them all sitting at their tables with their bookbags and get them all to open the bags and take out their homework books.

Being kept in at lunch is counterproductive and whether or not this is an acceptable consequence for not handing in homework should be specified in the home learning policy (which the Head should be able to give you a copy of).

Good luck with your meeting, hopefully the Head will be understanding... do you know if the teacher will be in the meeting too? You might want to find out so you can prepare yourself!

I don't know if she will be there but it did occur to me that maybe the reason the head has asked DH to attend too is so that it isn't two against one. So she might be there. At the moment, I don't even know for sure that the meeting is about the y3 teacher and me (but its highly likely!).

From what you have said, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, so dont let them make you feel as if you have!

I would write down as much as possible before you go in so that you are prepared and you can read it out if you need to. (Only because i know I would get all emotional)

Be strong for your son. He does not need all the pressure, so stand up for him!

And of course, keep us posted. >>>

nothing to add to the excellent advice you've already received but just wanted to wish you luck for your meeting with the HT.
Definitely a good idea to have written notes so you are all prepared and try to keep as calm and polite as possible

Now DH and I are arguing about it. He isn't happy about being asked to come into school because of his wife! I can see his point but what was I supposed to say or do when the school secretary called?

I think he doubts my description of what happened, (he thinks there must be something I am leaving out) but it is the truth.
He asks me how often it happens that a school requests a meeting to discuss a mother's behaviour? Answer: its almost unheard of, so I must have done something terrible.

He is annoyed with me for asking DS yesterday about what happens at school and he wants me to agree to not mention the teacher's behaviour at the meeting tomorrow or to query anything else that has come to light in the last couple of days regarding DS's education.

Oh.. and he looked over my should and saw me writing on MN about it, and he's not impressed with that either.

I'm crying as I write this because I really have had enough now.

Hey now, don't cry.

Maybe, in fact, it would be easier if you went alone? Only if your DH is not really on side with you, that won't help the discussion be productive.

I'm sorry he is doubting you. Seems unfair and I am a bit surprised that he would try to shut down aspects of the discussion, surely he wants what is best for your DS too.

Oh God.

Your DH should really be supporting you in this, have just read the whole thread and am really shocked. Don't take him with you to the meeting if he is going to undermine you like that.

I am a teacher btw, and the descriptions you give of your son's teacher worry me greatly. I suspect the head is worried too, she must have noticed a problem. The teacher is there to teach children, not to catch them out ffs.

He says he wants what is best for DS, but he says the head will have to defend her teacher and if I ask anything else it will just make it seem like I have a prejudice against the teacher. Mainly he just hates confrontation and can't believe that he is being forced to defend his wife.

Take a written account of what happened to the meeting, just to make sure you don't get too flustered to make your case properly.

And who said that it was your behavior that is in question? Did I miss something?

Oh your dh needs to grow a pair. The spellings themselves should be enough to tell him the teacher is slightly unrealistic.

If he's not going to be supportive go alone. Be polite and just stick to the 'these spellngs are too hard' line. It's pointless if you end up doing your child's homework fir them. I have fed back to ds3's teacher when be found something hard and she thanked me for telling her and found some time to go through it with him in school.

I can't not take him. How could I explain it, especially as I've just had a major op and I am not allowed to drive, so he would have to take me there?

I know the teacher was not appreciated by the parents or the Y6 children she had last year. The head must know it too but she moved her to take care of Y3 children.

DH says that the teacher will be more important to the head than any family and I agree with him.

Gosh, I'm glad my dh kept a more open mind when we had trouble with ds's school! Jumping to the conclusion that you have got to be in the wrong because the school can't be doesn't seem very logical to me: if you are a human being who can make mistakes, then so is the teacher. And atm the head only has the teacher's version to go on wo it's her word against yours.
If your dh can't see this, then don't take him to the meeting- he doesn't sound like someone who would contribute anything of value.

Yes, I am very on your behalf. Your DH needs to get his priorities in order.

Well, I suppose it is likely to be at least mildly confrontational (though I would say that is coming from the teacher, not you, in the first instance), so maybe just let him stay away. Or would he still prefer to make you promise to conduct the meeting on his terms, even if he isn't going to be there?

Surely a bit odd to see it as him "defending his wife" rather than the two of you, as a team, going in together to ensure your DS is having his needs met appropriately.

How does he expect things to improve for your DS as regards the homework, if you just take the submissive route and don't put your views across in a sensible way? Or does he think your DS has to just lump it?

Massive xpost!

HumphreyCobbler - I don't know that it is, but the head asked for the meeting and wanted both of us there. I just can't think what else it can be about than the teacher has complained about me and the head is going to sort it out.

It is not a case of defend the teacher at all costs, certainly not in a well run school.

Your head teacher's priority will be the CHILDREN, not individual teachers.

You have legitimate grounds for concern. Hold on to that thought, decide what you need to get out of the meeting, write it down and be assertive.

I know it is easier said than done, but you can do it if you keep calm and focused.

I have just skimmed the thread but your DS teacher sounds quite unreasonable and inflexible. Not a happy environment for the children to learn in imo.
Sorry as well that you and your DH are split on this. He really should be on your side because by what I have read you are not being overly sensitive at all. Those words are really hard for an 8yr old!
I agree with others about the meeting. Make sure you have your agenda about the outcome you want and be prepared to listen but make sure you get your points across.
Is there anyway you can gather some anecdotal evidence from other parents of other children who may have experienced similar difficulties with the work set. This should back up your case. If the Head is a good Head she will ensure a solution that helps everyone. She may have already had complaints from other parents.

The Head has not got you in to tell you off, things don't work like that. Honestly, they will be anxious to calm things down and sort out trouble, not to put you in your place.

In any school I have worked in the parents are not trampled on, quite the reverse. This needs sorting out, the head will try to do this in order to satisfy all parties.

Your DH seems to thing that the head teacher is in a position of power over him, not so. She is there as a professional whose job is to ensure each child gets a proper education, including your son.

So you are saying that your husband does not want you to tell the head what the teacher has said to you?

So he wants you to come across as a mad, unreasonable old cow who just bitched at a teacher for no reason?

You're his wife ffs. He should trust that what you say is true and stand with you. TBH he should stand with you against outsiders whether he thinks you're right or wrong! I think he is being most unfair.

And how can you sort anything out unless you speak honestly with the head? You have to tell her everything that happened - exactly how it happened! Take notes with you if you think you will get flustered.

And your husband wasn't there! So he can't say how it was - and he should NOT try to undermine you or anything.

Your priority is to help your child. That should be the head's priority too. (It should be the teacher's as well, but never mind, eh?) You would be failing your child if you didn't explain honestly everything that's happened and try to sort it out.

I think DH is right to worry that you may be drawing up a list of too many problems with the teacher e.g. discouraging the child to put his hand up etc. If the number of points you raise about the teacher becomes too large, it will start to look like you have it in for the teacher and the head will then back the teacher 100%, which won't help you and DH. Also the more points you find against the teacher, the weaker the points will become and you will harm your case.

I think the teacher has complained about you being rude and telling her what to do. The fact that DH is required to come as well suggests that the head currently believes the teacher. So you have to be able to counter those points by explaining that that wasn't the case and explaining what you said. You have to say that the teacher misread what you were saying and you think she became defensive and thought it was an attack on her, but this was not intended. The situation escalated into a misunderstanding.

You need to stick to the key issue which was that your DS struggled with the homework and found it too difficult and you mentioned this to the teacher. Explain that the teacher became defensive and give some examples of what she said. Explain that the teacher didn't seem to take on board any of your points, but dismissed them out of hand. Explain that you were going to make an appointment to see the head to discuss it further, but that it appears that the teacher has seen the head first. Don't attack the teacher in any other way, and don't mention that the teacher may have it in for your son as a result of all this. This is not giving the teacher due credit and the head will then support the teacher. Explain that your attempt to explain your concerns about the difficulty of the homework backfired into this current misunderstanding. Then leave it up to the head to decide what to do. She will probably tick you off for telling the teacher what to do, and you should agree that it may have inadvertently come across like that. The head will probably compromise by agreeing that the homework was too difficult and that they will look into that again.

Also I wouldn't go in with a written list, it will look too formal, and the head will then be on the teacher's side.

He thinks the spelling words are ridiculously hard and inappropriately sophisticated for a seven year old. He thinks the teacher should have been made aware that he and I are doing more and more of DS's homework for him. But he implies that I must have handled the chat with the teacher very badly and she must have soem grounds for complaining about me.

Whether he comes with me or not, he wants me to promise to not describe how the teacher behaved when I spoke to her nor to ask about some of the other odd things that is going on with DS's education at the moment.

Is your DH normally unsupportive like this?

I would suggest, if so, that that is a separate issue/problem; and that for the sake of minimising its influence on this situation, you might want to consider just "promising" whatever you need to, in order to get him off your back, and attending the meeting alone so that you can in fact deal with it as you see fit (as per advice from starstudent and others, which I know you initially felt was useful).

Wouldn't it be sufficient to simply turn up alone and politely say that your DH was unable to attend (even if he does drop you off)? Surely you aren't accountable to the school to explain why he's not there -- could be all sorts of reasons. If you were a single parent, they wouldn't be asking him to come in. No reason you can't attend alone if that is what works for you.

Or could you even get a taxi?

I got called in to see the Head one time and I assumed it was because I had upset the teacher by telling her I thought it was unhelpful to write in DDs reading log that she wasn't prepared to change DDs reading book, and that if DD had finished her book she should read a newspaper (in Yr1 ffs)
Instead, the head aplogised for the teacher's attitude and tone of voice when she had spoken to me earlier in the week over another issue - and I thought the teacher had been almost cordial to me then! But unknown to us the Deputy Head had walked past, and was appalled at the way the teacher had spoken to me.
It is not in the head's interst to have parents upset by the teachers.
Good luck tomorrow.