Other children seem scared of my 5yo and I don’t know what to do

[Wafflesdownfall]

My son is 5 and started reception in September. He’s always been quite full on but the school have spoken to me twice now about him being rough with other children and I’m starting to worry it’s becoming a bigger problem.

Apparently he pushes past them, grabs them to get them to play with him and sometimes carries on messing about when they’ve had enough. One child ended up crying after he pushed him over. I know he’s not doing it to be nasty but obviously that doesn’t make it ok.

The teacher first mentioned it as him getting overexcited but the last time she said some of the children are starting to avoid playing with him because they don’t like how rough he is. I’ve been talking to him about keeping his hands to himself and stopping when someone says stop but it doesn’t seem to be sinking in properly yet.

The thing that’s upset me most happened just before half term. I was waiting at the school gate and he went over to two boys from his class, calling them to come and play. One went and stood behind his mum and the other said he didn’t want to play with him because he always pushes people. They both moved away and my son just stood there looking a bit lost. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it but they seemed genuinely wary of him.

He’s not like this all the time and he can be lovely with other children, but when he gets carried away he seems to forget himself completely. His dad thinks he’s only five and will learn as he gets older, but I don’t want to leave it until nobody wants to play with him.

Would you ask for a proper meeting with the teacher now or give it a bit longer and see how he gets on after half term? I feel awful for the other children as well and don’t want them feeling uncomfortable at school because of my son.

Does your son understand why the other kids don't want to play with him? Does he exhibit this rough behaviour at home?

Does he behave like this at home or on play dates? Really he’s got to learn the lesson that if he behaves like this others aren’t going to want to play with him and be friends. Have you talked about this to him? He’s old enough to understand.

This can't be nice to know/witness for your child.

I can see you posted about talking to him and it falling on deaf ears - but realistically you/his Dad are the only people that can proactively try to sort this out.

This isn't for the teacher to deal with, or for the other children to understand that he 'forgets himself'. The teacher has, I imagine, nearly 30 children to contend with, its not up to her to ensure your child is learning social skills and enforcing friendships.

You need to come down hard with the 'kind hands' and personal space boundaries. It could resolve itself over time, in that he's only been in school for 2 months, but obviously you run the risk of him permanently damaging relationships.

Your post reminds me of my sister in law and my nephew.
'Always been full on' = So pattern of behaviour that has shown for awhile but you haven't dealt with.
This phrase has been used consistently with my nephew, when in reality - Boundaries have never been put in place with him to correct the 'full on' behaviour and he now exhibits the same behaviours.
'I know hes not doing it be nasty' = Well, you don't now that. He could very well be getting frustrated that children don't want to play the game any longer and has lashed out.

I think you need to take the rose tinted glasses off and see his behaviours for what they are, and not dance around the fact his behaviours aren't kind and clearly creating an issue

How is his language development? Some children can respond physically to others if they don’t have the language skills to interact easily.

Did he go to nursery? If so, how was his behaviour when he interacted with other children?

ND?

Did you take him to toddler playgroup? How do you correct unwanted behaviour?

They both moved away and my son just stood there looking a bit lost. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it but they seemed genuinely wary of him.

Of course you are not reading too much into it.

Your Ds was clearly dismayed by the children’s reaction: that’s his teaching moment. I would have led him aside and said firmly “no one wants to play with people who push them “

You need to get definite and emphatic. Not gentle talks about being gentle. “You do not push people. Ever”

It may be that he feels insecure and thinks engaging like this is the way to make friends. He will be happier if he realises it is not.

He went to nursery yes. They did say he could be a bit rough when he got excited but it wasn’t something they were constantly contacting me about like school seem to be. He has cousins he plays with and sometimes gets carried away with them too but they are a bit older and will tell him to pack it in.

I have talked to him about it, quite a lot actually. I’ve explained that if he keeps pushing people they won’t want to play with him and that it hurts them. He does seem to understand when we talk about it but then apparently does it again a day or two later. I don’t know if he genuinely forgets in the moment or what. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, I just don’t know how to get it through to him properly.

Can you use half term to rehearse situations with him? Practise asking to play? Practise how to respond if someone says no. Practise how to stop when asked. Make a game of it and reinforce the ideas every day.

Don’t accept being overexcited as a reason to disregard others feelings.

He is only young, but now is the time to nip this sort of behaviour in the bud so that it doesn’t escalate or become entrenched.

From what you say @Wafflesdownfall this has been a problem for a while. You say he is "full on" – is this what you mean, that he pushes other DC?

Nursery might not have contacted you so often as younger DC may go through a pushing phase (as they may have a biting phase); by the time they are 5 tho they have usually grown out of it.

I agree that the way is to correct him firmly and frequently. He clearly wants to play so hopefully he will start to respond. If things don't improve it might be worth having his speech checked I agree.

Rather than leaving his cousins to stop playing, remove him as soon as he starts getting silly.
He needs to come and still with you until he calms down.
Do it every time - with his cousins, play dates, parties, soft play etc.

He should have started learning how to behave with children as a toddler. It’s an ongoing process.

By full on I mean he’s always been very energetic and doesn’t seem to know when to calm down really. He does get rough with other children yes, nursery did mention it a few times but I don’t think I realised it would still be an issue now he’s at school. He can be gentle and play nicely as well so it’s not every interaction.

I’ll keep correcting him obviously, I just worry because he seems to understand what I’m saying when we’re talking about it and then does it again when he’s actually playing. Hadn’t thought about getting his speech checked, what would the connection be there?

Pushing and over excited seem minor as an adult. But to another five year old, he is physically attacking them and they are scared.
You just need to come down hard on this and consistently. It's not too late to change how the other kids interact with him. Treat it very seriously for his sake. Not just a little chat but something major he needs to stop doing.

'He does seem to understand when we talk about it but then apparently does it again a day or two later.'

I think this is kind of classic for this age. My DS isn't too rough but he does struggle with Stop Means Stop and No Means No and we are constantly repeating these in our house during playing. It doesn't make it ok, but it does make it quite normal for you to have to speak about something several thousand times before it sinks in. Maybe a daily chat, nothing too heavy, not a lecture, but an anecdote about your day or a reminder or a story about someone being too rough etc to help get the message across.

I do sometimes wonder how my son can hear a phrase one time and remember it forever, but 'please' and 'thank you' which have been modelled daily since birth don't seem to have fully sunk in yet 🙄

I was thinking he may not have the speech (or hearing) to be able to communicate as other 4/5yos do, so may resort to the pushing to get attention? My DS needed SALT as a 4yo as other DC in the class could not always understand him. It was noticed in nursery tho (but no SALT as it's pretty common in 3yos not to be super clear) so if nothing on those lines has been mentioned I might be on the wrong track.

Yes I know, I’m not saying he’s only just started having to learn how to behave around other children. We’ve always corrected him when he’s been rough, I just think it’s more noticeable now he’s in a class with the same children all day every day and they’re starting to not want to play with him.

Yes, I think this is worth checking. I au paired for a French four year old who was always getting into fights because of speech delay — other children found him difficult to understand, so he communicated with his fists. When he caught up verbally, the fights stopped.

Does his Dad do roughhouse play with him?

Ah right, I see what you mean. His speech seems ok to me and I can understand him fine, although obviously I’m his mum so I’m used to how he talks. He can tell me what he wants and have a conversation so I hadn’t really thought about it being that. The teacher hasn’t mentioned any concerns about his speech or hearing but I could ask her if she’s noticed anything when he’s playing with the other children. Thank you.

My son is older now but had a boy like this in his class. Completely ineffective parenting (not saying you are like this OP), I used to see him push and shove his own mother around like this and then the younger brother doing it too just copying him to get her attention. Mum just sort of placidly accepted it with a weak “stop it boys” every so often. Just looked like a domestic abuser of the future to me. Of course the other children will stay away because that is all they can do and their parents will be telling them to do this when they complain about him being horrible and shoving them about, like I did with mine - “stay out of his way as much as possible!”

If you don’t want to see a behaviour at age 13 with schoolmates, 15 with a first girlfriend, 30 with a spouse or partner…. nip it in the bud at 5.

Is he your only DC (or your oldest)? I found it easy to understand DS1 (my oldest) and it was only when his sister started talking I realised that there was a delay. He used to use t for t and c (the tar went round the torner) – I knew what he was saying but other DC did not. It's not always easy, as you say, you're his mum so ofc you can understand him. But if no concerns have been mentioned as I say I might be all kinds of wrong.

He does mess about with him when he’s at his dad’s yes, wrestling and that sort of thing. I’ve wondered if that’s part of it tbh, although his dad says he knows the difference between playing with him and playing with other children. I’ve told him we need to be consistent with telling him to stop when things get too rough but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

Have you tried role playing with him? So instigate a silly game (hitting each other with balloons is guaranteed crazy-making behaviour for mine!) and then when he gets boisterous, direct him, stop the game if he's too rough tell him, explicitly, how to recognise when others have had enough.

I will say 'can you hear how my voice changed then - I'm not laughing and I'm asking you to stop, so that means you're being too rough.' if he isn't being mean, he's just not understanding the social cues that a game is getting too much.

You can also coach him in games that aren't rough - teach him non contact games that involve running around but not touching others, maybe find an outlet for his strength (we have a play sofa for rough and tumble that the kids can fling themselves around on, and a trampoline that is a life saver when they need to feel their whole bodies moving!).

I'm not sure what more the teachers can do without some really robust intervention at home.