Other children seem scared of my 5yo and I don’t know what to do

[Wafflesdownfall]

My son is 5 and started reception in September. He’s always been quite full on but the school have spoken to me twice now about him being rough with other children and I’m starting to worry it’s becoming a bigger problem.

Apparently he pushes past them, grabs them to get them to play with him and sometimes carries on messing about when they’ve had enough. One child ended up crying after he pushed him over. I know he’s not doing it to be nasty but obviously that doesn’t make it ok.

The teacher first mentioned it as him getting overexcited but the last time she said some of the children are starting to avoid playing with him because they don’t like how rough he is. I’ve been talking to him about keeping his hands to himself and stopping when someone says stop but it doesn’t seem to be sinking in properly yet.

The thing that’s upset me most happened just before half term. I was waiting at the school gate and he went over to two boys from his class, calling them to come and play. One went and stood behind his mum and the other said he didn’t want to play with him because he always pushes people. They both moved away and my son just stood there looking a bit lost. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it but they seemed genuinely wary of him.

He’s not like this all the time and he can be lovely with other children, but when he gets carried away he seems to forget himself completely. His dad thinks he’s only five and will learn as he gets older, but I don’t want to leave it until nobody wants to play with him.

Would you ask for a proper meeting with the teacher now or give it a bit longer and see how he gets on after half term? I feel awful for the other children as well and don’t want them feeling uncomfortable at school because of my son.

His Dad is a major part of the problem, IMO

I think you need to stop thinking 'full on'. No. Agressive rough behaviour is not to be tolerated. But if your DH is doing rough play I'm not surprised your DS is confused about acceptable behaviour.

What do you actually do when you're there and he does this - what do you mean by "correcting" him?

When mine were little the Raising Boys book by Steve Biddulph was popular. I think it was very positive about father/son physical play because it was a way to teach about boundaries and when it was time to stop. I have no idea if this is still seen as good advice but my DH did plenty of rolling around on the floor and pretend wrestling with both of ours when they were little but he definitely didn’t do things like say punch me as hard as you can and there was no hitting etc. Maybe the way your DS’s dad plays with him is causing confusion but it might need changing instead of stopping altogether iyswim

I also think you are right to take this seriously. It doesn’t seem as though the chats are working so I’d probably be a bit tougher, as other posters have said be very clear with reminders immediately before school/before going to the park “remember, we do not ever push or hit other children”, when you are around supervise really closely and if he does push or hit be very clear about consequences and say “we are now going home because you pushed that boy” and leave immediately. I’d also speak to his teacher and ask for her thoughts.

Absolutely this. You need to come down like a wall of bricks so he understands. None of this he's full on. Childrem already avoid him. If you don't put a stop to this he will be a very lonely sad boy. Unfortunately rightly so as what child wants to be friends with someone who hurts them? Who wants to invite a child that hurts kids to a party. I know a child like this. Spirited. Full on. 12 years old now. No friends, has been to 2 parties and banned from many. You don't want that for him.

It's not judgmental to not want a play date with a child your child is afraid of. It's not judgmental to avoid a child who's too rough. Those are natural consequences.

No real advice OP but can relate to this! My son is 4 and he’s always been very high energy and ‘rough’- he’s not malicious but he just doesn’t seem to understand the word ‘gentle’ and even getting a kiss and a hug from him can nearly knock me off my feet! I joke he’s going to be a rugby player but it was upsetting recently as he was starting to alienate other children at nursery. We just tried to be firm and talk about being gentle- immediate consequences when he wasn’t. Things seem to be getting slowly better. Good luck!

Another energetic young child being labelled and put in a box for his future to be full of restrictions and issues. I am so glad me and my 2 brothers werent so unlucky. Sheesh the energy we had, my dads legs gave in at 40 because he would finish his work shift and have 3 of us hanging from his arms and legs to do something. Football, golf, tennis, trees, cricket, swimming, running etc etc. EVERY single evening we were out playing, with my dad involved every time.

We had all the 'too energetic' comments. All the noise issues. Fighting, running, shouting, breaking stuff etc etc. Always there were other kids invlved and always there were consequences for EVERYONE if someone missbehaved. He parented half the ferral kids around where we lived.

Mum only ever had to say stop and Dad just had to give a single look and we would all stop dead and do exactly as we were told.

Its called parenting. It has to be 100% of the time and 100% consistant. Anything less is letting your child down. I didnt mention smacking, or shouting etc. Parenting is more about being there and the child knowing that whatever he/she does will not be ignored or without consequences from both parents.

I agree with most of this but I wouldn’t give that many chances to a 5 year old pushing other children when this is known to a be a problem and OP had chats and clearly explained why he can’t behave like this.

I also don’t think it’s necessary to be positive, in fact it’s confusing. I wouldn’t shout or drag out a punishment but I’d be clear with him he’d pushed/hit a child, that was completely unacceptable and there was now going to be a negative consequence- I.e going straight home.

It's a matter of opinion, I guess. Personally, I prefer not to be the sort of person who writes off five year olds, I accept they're still learning and I'm happy to help other parents out if I can. If I disliked the parents and they didn't address the behaviour, that would be another matter entirely, but I wouldn't refuse a playdate just because a child had a reputation for being a little 'rough', I'd just be closely supervising to make sure everything went well.

@Wafflesdownfall I agree with PPs that you need to address it at home, imo but you also need to be careful that he doesn't develop a self image as a "rough" or "naughty" boy. He needs lots of praise when he's gentle and positive attention for other things he does well.

Maybe you could consider starting him in some sort of martial arts class to develop his self restraint and discipline at the same time as giving him an outlet for his energy?

Now to me that sounds performative. More interested in look how I'm the only one inviting the rough child over. I'm not like other mums. Not say that's your motivation but that is the way it sounds to me. My child's comfort is worth far more then gaining a reputation as the one mother willing to give por rough child a chane. So my kid gets walluped accidently that's OK because look how accepting I am. No thanks.

I’m not sure it’s about writing them off. And it depends on the reaction of my own child - if DD said “no I don’t want a play date with X because he always pushes and hits” I’m not going to force her into one!

By being ‘positive’ I guess all I mean is trying to frame what’s said as an instruction on what the child should aim to do, rather than what they shouldn’t. 100% agree on fast action and out of there if not getting it right.

Just to say that I think roughhousing with their dad really benefitted my sons as they got their energy out and learned when to stop etc. They were, and still are, very gentle boys.

What @DysmalRadius said might help @Wafflesdownfall and also
if you remind him when you drop him off “remember to be gentle and listen to your friends”. But too much rough and tumble at his Dad’s probably doesn’t help …

Agree with this - you need to tell him clearly how he should behave rather than just saying "don't do X"

I personally don’t think that telling a 5 year old that pushes and hits to be gentle / use gentle hands will be effective. I’m never sure how well young children understand the gentle hands thing and it often seems to be said in a wishy washy way (which is highly irritating when your child has been on the receiving end). I think it needs to be more clear and direct and in a certain tone (not shouting or unpleasant but stern) - you do not hit or push anyone.

Good luck though OP, you sound like a great mum and I’m sure he’ll get it in due course. I know a lot of now very lovely teenagers why were tricky in lots of different ways when small, my own included.

I don't think "gentle hands" is going to help him a lot here. Maybe he finds it difficult to judge what's ok and what's not, or maybe he knows it's too rough but has poor impulse control. What about a really clear rule like "don't touch other children at all without permission"? Then you could chat through some times when it's OK (e.g. teacher has asked them to hold hands, playing tag, working with a partner in PE etc).

He may need an alternative outlet too. So if staff saw him getting excited they could redirect him to something else physical like the climbing frame, or running races or lifting heavy objects.

You might find an OT assessment useful if you feel like he's got issues with coordination at all, or with sensory processing (e.g. doesn't seem to know where his own body is). Although the NHS won't look at sensory issues.

How big is he in relation to the other children in reception?
because if he’s on the 98th etc percentile then he’s probably unaware of his comparative largeness and subsequent strength

If you can I'd try to find a way for him to socialize with other children with you very present, and there to stop him immediately if he looks like getting in any way 'full on'. As in, physically grab his hands, physically removed him from the situation, literally stop the contact before it happens. I feel like most parents have had a phase of having to do this around 2 / 3- at least I know I have, and words after the event are simply not enough. You have to actually stop them, with your own actions not words, and use a very firm, raised voice so that they understand it will not be tolerated. At the moment you seem to be letting him know the behavior is undesirable but still an option. He has to figure out some way this behavior will simply not be allowed.
Did you go through the phase of having to stop it when he was younger or did it just never stop?

I think it will sort itself out over time. There were little boys like this in DD’s reception class. One even kicked a teacher. But by year 2 all had calmed considerably.

OK my son has a friend who was exactly like this when little. Combination of being a bit bossy, having lots of siblings (family of 4 boys) so very used to "rough housing" and he was also just massive for his age which didn't help.

His mum was just so so on it. She watched him like a hawk at parties and playdates, did endless correcting, I was very impressed. It really worked he got much better. Later on there had to be similar interventions about taking over games and telling other children what to do.

He's now at secondary and a really nice kid (and always was) and still friends with my son. He's still very physical in some ways (and in fact broke a fruit bowl at my house recently by just sweeping it off the side accidentally as he walked by it) and still quite a dominant character but it's very under control.

Sorry long post but I think I am just saying it's very fixable!

Op, for the sake of your little boys future relationships with his peers, you need to get a grip of this asap.
there are 3 little boys in my kids class and they’re exactly the same. They’re now being left out of bday parties and play dates because the other kids are afraid of them and simply won’t play with them. Out of the 3. I’d say 1 is ND the other 2 just have wet lettuces for parents. It’s not too late for you to get ahead of this

I've been a nursery teacher for 10 years, have a ND child and a very ND family.

My son has ADHD and autism and is always full on, can be handsy, constantly over excited at the drop of a hat, struggles with space, can't line up etc BUT we don't so rough play, play fighting and hitting has never, ever been acceptable. This has always been a very strong boundary. He can't tell when the mood, faces or tone of voice changes which means he never knows when to stop so the answer is it's not allowed. Ever.

Yes it might just be silly boy behaviour but he is getting clear messages that peers are not happy. It's time to step in firmly, get on the same page as dad and stop it.