Other children seem scared of my 5yo and I don’t know what to do

[Wafflesdownfall]

My son is 5 and started reception in September. He’s always been quite full on but the school have spoken to me twice now about him being rough with other children and I’m starting to worry it’s becoming a bigger problem.

Apparently he pushes past them, grabs them to get them to play with him and sometimes carries on messing about when they’ve had enough. One child ended up crying after he pushed him over. I know he’s not doing it to be nasty but obviously that doesn’t make it ok.

The teacher first mentioned it as him getting overexcited but the last time she said some of the children are starting to avoid playing with him because they don’t like how rough he is. I’ve been talking to him about keeping his hands to himself and stopping when someone says stop but it doesn’t seem to be sinking in properly yet.

The thing that’s upset me most happened just before half term. I was waiting at the school gate and he went over to two boys from his class, calling them to come and play. One went and stood behind his mum and the other said he didn’t want to play with him because he always pushes people. They both moved away and my son just stood there looking a bit lost. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it but they seemed genuinely wary of him.

He’s not like this all the time and he can be lovely with other children, but when he gets carried away he seems to forget himself completely. His dad thinks he’s only five and will learn as he gets older, but I don’t want to leave it until nobody wants to play with him.

Would you ask for a proper meeting with the teacher now or give it a bit longer and see how he gets on after half term? I feel awful for the other children as well and don’t want them feeling uncomfortable at school because of my son.

It doesn't automatically stop. It needs intervention.

I don't know how, but you do need to get on top of it as soon as possible. DS had a boy like this in his class - in Year R and 1 DS would come home with his legs covered in bruises because he was being kicked. Another child had hearing problems for a year because the boy came up next to him and shouted as loud as he could in his ear. His mum would just say it was his way of making friends, but the other boys started dreading going to school and avoided him. The boy then got really upset when the others didn't want to invite him to parties etc because they wanted to be able to enjoy their birthdays. You don't want that to happen.

Excellent response.

'Hands Are Not For Hitting' by Martine Agassi is a good book with very descriptive colourful pictures and explanations for 5 year olds. I have used this book and others written by her when working with children. He may recognise some of the scenarios in the book

There you have it
what do you expect if his father is wrestling him?????

I completely agree with this approach. Right there and then is when you could have driven the message home. It's not too late to bring it up again at home (hopefully he'll remember it) but next opportunity, grab it!

My eldest had a friend at school who was like this (bit older than your ds) Different situation, he'd witnessed DV at home, so was mimicking behaviour (I'm not suggesting this of you at all, OP) He used to come round ours to play with eldest and we came down firm on him when he started kicking off, separating him, and telling him "nobody hits people in our house". Then he'd stop. He was a lovely lad otherwise. He moved away with his mum in the end but agree with other posters, your ds needs firm, clear, frequent reminders "we don't hit or push anyone" and maybe say things like "Jake doesn't want to play, because you hurt him last time". This needs nipping in the bud ASAP. Good luck.

One of our favourite games was us three kids getting pillows and using them as boxing gloves against my dad. We used to end up in a pile of sweat and giggles. Roughhousing is amazing if channelled in the right constructive way.

Daaaaaaaad, can we play boxing? No, you hit your brother yesterday. You can sit while those who can control their temper play. No shouting, no aggressiveness and short sharp lesson learnt. Make sure to play the boxing game the next night and include all 3 so they realise they are forgiven.

Fathers & sons play wrestling actually has many benefits - it teaches self control and boundaries, helps with physical development and body awareness as well as father child bonding. So its completely the opposite of what you're thinking.
Infact i'd tap into that and use it to remind him of 'physical boundaries' and how he's meant to listen & stop when someone has had enough. He can understand through his wrestling 'balance' rather than being overpowering and to stop as soon as anyone starts to feel uncomfortable.
It is dad's job to keep it 'fun' rather than aggressive and to always respond to his ds's signals.

his dad says he knows the difference between playing with him and playing with other children. I’ve told him we need to be consistent with telling him to stop when things get too rough but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

Clearly he does not know the difference or this would not be happening.

And it is a big deal of your little lad ends up friendless.

HIs Dad is not on his side here.

OMG this is exactly how i felt as a kid doing this. Honestly some of my fondest memories were with my brothers wrestling my dad. At swimming pools we would have other parents asking if their kids could join in as my dad would launch me 6ft in the air. I tired to replicate this with my own children but society just doesnt seem to appreciate it anymore.

As some others have said - could be ADHD or even AuDHD. ADHD people tend to be “all or nothing” so we often get accused of being over excited.

ND or not, i would definitely talk to tbe teacher and also the SENCO because you all need to be giving the same mesaage and working together. Obviously you can ask the school if they think be might be ND. Although if they say “no” they won’t necessarily be right. DC2’s school told me not ND but they were wrong because DC2 was formally diagnosed a couple of years later.

Totally agree, and it is ineffective parenting.
OP you sound very passive about the seriousness of your son’s behaviour.
I would definitely keep mine away from him. You should have addressed this as soon as nursery pointed it out.
Sounds like he should be shunned until you can get him to behave properly.

His dad (sounds like you're not together) is doing him no favours. How is your son going to "grow out of it" if other children simply won't play with him? He will be lonely, isolated and more frustrated. Role playing with him can teach him how to handle different situations in a safe setting. Playing with older cousins, while you closely supervise, can ensure nobody gets hurt. Perhaps the cousins can also stop the game, if he's getting too excited, and help him reset. Then try a playdate or two, but again you're going to have to reassure other parents that you will be closely watching. (Talking to his teacher will show you're taking this seriously.)

OP, you seem.to be doing a lot.of "talking about". This is not going to sink in.

5 years old is more than old enough for a very stern talking to along with some naughty step time. You really have to come down like a tonne of bricks if you see him getting close to being rough with someone else. Itnit just a "bad choice", he must realise it's very serious and wrong and bad. Don't be scared of those words.

You need to stpp the roughhousing with dad.
It maybe he is.a bit undersensitive.to pain etc so doesnt get why other kids dont like it.
I would.try that.before assuming its any sen.
Do think xchool have a role here its obvious the other kkds dont like him and his behaviour so the school should be talking to him when it happens making him apologise and explaining how the other kids feel and consequences like messing break or just x wont want to play tomorrow.

Part of schools role opis social learning especially since many kids dont have siblings. I would be stood around and when he starts pulling on them be saying oh i dont thing x likes that hes making x expression and noises etc

Wow. And you think you're not judgmental.

I agree that it does depend on the child. But 5yos are very little and learning and developing all the time, and the fact is that these children are going to have to play with and interact with each other at school if they're in the same class. They won't have the option always just to stay away from each other there, unless things are so bad that the teachers try to separate them. Playdates are an excellent way for parents actually to observe what's going on and try to iron out problems between children so that school goes better for them. Often my DS gets on much better at school with other children after they've met out of school. So it can be a way to sort problems out.

I agree that his Dad is doing him no favours & seems to be almost encouraging him to be like this.

He needs to get into rugby or something physical where they learn social skills like waiting in turn, sitting still and playing fairly. Gymnastics or trampolining or footie might also be good. Also something like beavers might teach him social skills.

I think you do need Dad on board as he seems to be brushing it off. Perhaps he was the same as a boy so can’t see the issue.

Come up with a strategy with school that you can model at home as they can at school. As a teacher it does need to be sorted but it doesn't happen overnight.
Speak to school as what the triggers are. BH

Maybe he's forgetting in the moment, he's so involved in his play that he reaches the pitch of everything else going out of his mind. I know teachers and T As have a very difficult job, but could you all work together to identify when he is going to trigger, and then step in to distract or calm him?

Has he any other issues OP? My little boy kept getting in people's space at preschool at around 3-4yrs (other children seemed to forgive it at that age and still want to play with him but not sure would now at 5). There was no maliciousness but he kept accidentally knocking others over or nearly being on top if them while sitting beside them or playing etc. He has other sensory issues too. We did lots of practice on how to not be a space invader at home and saw an OT for some tips. We did lots of practice about how to tag/high five/fist bump someone gently for example. There's a great book called "Harrison Spader the space invader". Not sure if this is what could be going on or if he just needs to be corrected for being rough! I'd try nip it in the bud now though as it'd be a shame for him to feel left out.

You may have a dad problem who thinks it’s not a big deal. Tell him if is son has no friends then it is a “big deal”. I would ban any rough play and suggest football or other games to get rid of energy.