Is it really wrong to only invite a few children to a birthday party?

[Ivyhollow]

dd is 8 in a few weeks and has asked to go bowling with a few friends for her birthday. I’ve booked 6 places altogether including her, so she’s invited 5 girls from school. I can’t afford to take the whole class and tbh she didn’t want the whole class anyway, just the girls she plays with.

I sent the invites privately to their mums and 4 have replied yes so far. I thought that was that really.

Another mum replied in the whatsapp group saying her dd had heard about the bowling and was upset she hadn’t been invited. A couple of other mums then started agreeing with her and saying it’s unkind to invite a few children from a class when the others are going to find out about it.

I haven’t said anything in the group about the party. The children have obviously been talking about it at school which is fair enough, they’re 7 and 8 and get excited about these things.

I replied saying I could understand children feeling left out but I can’t afford a whole class party and dd had picked the friends she is closest to. Someone said there are cheaper ways of doing a party then and it’s not about how much you spend, it’s about not excluding children. Another mum said if you can’t invite everyone then you shouldn’t be having a party that some of them will hear about.

I do get that nobody wants their child to feel left out but I’m not sure what people expect me to do here. There are 29 children in the class. Even if I did something at home I couldn’t have 29 children in the house, and I don’t think I should have to invite everyone just because dd wants to do something with her friends.

The awkward bit is that the girl who’s upset has invited dd to her birthday before. They get on fine at school and have been to each other’s houses but they’re not particularly close. When I asked dd who she wanted to invite she didn’t mention her, she picked the girls she spends most time with outside school. I don’t want to tell her she has to invite someone because their mum might be upset.

The mum has now messaged me privately asking if there’s any chance her dd can come after all because she’s apparently really upset. I’ve already paid for the places and would have to check if the venue can fit another child in. dd has also already chosen her friends and is really looking forward to it.

Am I being mean here? I genuinely thought it was normal for them to have smaller parties as they got older but now I’m wondering if I’ve missed some rule everyone else knows about.

What you have done sounds fine to me. I wouldn’t add anyone else unless your DD has asked

My god this is insane. Load of adults projecting their own feelings about friendships. Your DD can invite whoever she likes! They’re in Y4?? Surely they can’t expect whole class parties to continue?

It's fine to do this OP. What's not fine is to invite the whole class and leave out just one or two. Politely say "I'm sorry, it's not possible to invite your DD."

They’re being quite mad in a way I’ve only ever encountered on Mn. DS, once he stopped having whole class parties (I think everyone had stopped by Year 2 at latest) only ever invited people he liked, boys or girls.

We only ever invited 6-8 to a party, and the only whole class party that DS went to was for the child of one of the TAs. I don’t know whether it’s different times, area, class etc

We never bought in to the whole class party thing. We had 6 tops - usually girls but an occasional boy made the cut. ALWAYS decided by the birthday child.

But... dd would never ask 6 girls if there were only 7 in the class or that sort of thing.

Never had a party of more than 6.

I never did whole class parties. Mine just invited a few kids they were friends with.

If it's less than half the class it's fine.

It is completely fine to do what you have done. It would be unkind to invite 28/29 children to a party and leave someone out but fine to have a very small celebration. The other parents are crazy.

What is it with all these CF mums I keep reading about on here in the last few days (I have had too much time on my hands, obviously).
Of course it's ok to just invite the girls your daughter plays with. This wouldn't have even been questioned when mine were that age! Children need to learn they can't always go to everything! We're going to have a whole generation of entitled young adults if this attitude carries on.
It's only unkind to invite the whole class and leave 1 or 2 out. Not this way round. I hope your daughter enjoys her party.

By 8 I would not expect whole class invites. It is an activity suitable for a small group. Tbh I would not enter into any further discussion.

It’s very normal, OP. I’ve only let my children have one class party each and the rest have been a certain number. Never once had a message about it and wouldn’t dream of messaging parents when my children haven’t been invited.

I’ve always been very surprised to hear stories like this. If a parent acted like that in our school, they’d very clearly be viewed as the unreasonable one. I wouldn’t even bother responding.

That's nuts! I think these parents are doing a disservice to their kids with this kind of attitude. Disappointment is part of life and not being invited to every party is one of them. Mine have rarely mentioned not been invited to something, but the few times they have, I've just kept it light and breezy and explained that often numbers are restricted and that's just the way it is. I've also stressed that it doesn't mean they’re disliked by the kid having the party, it's just that they might feel closer to others and that's ok.

My understanding was that whole class parties drop off around this age anyway. That's what happened with my older dc and with my youngest, we all talk (at whole class parties) about how we can't wait for them to be smaller and to be drops offs!

I don't think you’ve done anything wrong and I think it's over stepping to be telling you what kind of party you should have and don't feel the need to justify it because of cost either. That's no ones business.

Every 8yo party I've sent my kids to has been about 10 max. It's always activities at that age and not the church hall type thing you get for younger kids.

Those parents commenting are absolutely insane.

dd only started at this school in january so no idea what everyone else has done for the last 4 years tbh? 🤷‍♀️

The rule I always stick to is either invite fewer than half of the class (or fewer than half of the girls if it's just girls coming) or everyone. The only unkind thing is if like 8 out of 10 girls are invited for example - that doesn't feel good. What you've done is completely fine!!

You’ve done nothing wrong.

I don’t really understand what you mean tbh? there have been parties since dd started in january yes but not every single child in the class has had a party as far as I know? I’ve certainly never said they have.

I’m not keeping a list of who invites who and how many children go to every party 🤷‍♀️ I’m just asking if it’s unreasonable to invite a few friends to dd’s birthday without having to invite the whole class.

YANBU

I have never heard of a whole class bowling party for an 8 year old. In my experience whole class parties are more for 5 year olds and tend to be cheap soft play or church hall parties.

These mothers sound exceptionally dim and bitchy. Absolutely out of order for the original one to demand an invite to your party on the class WhatsApp.
By 8 at our school it was mainly small group parties.
Your response was completely fine.