Is it really wrong to only invite a few children to a birthday party?

[Ivyhollow]

dd is 8 in a few weeks and has asked to go bowling with a few friends for her birthday. I’ve booked 6 places altogether including her, so she’s invited 5 girls from school. I can’t afford to take the whole class and tbh she didn’t want the whole class anyway, just the girls she plays with.

I sent the invites privately to their mums and 4 have replied yes so far. I thought that was that really.

Another mum replied in the whatsapp group saying her dd had heard about the bowling and was upset she hadn’t been invited. A couple of other mums then started agreeing with her and saying it’s unkind to invite a few children from a class when the others are going to find out about it.

I haven’t said anything in the group about the party. The children have obviously been talking about it at school which is fair enough, they’re 7 and 8 and get excited about these things.

I replied saying I could understand children feeling left out but I can’t afford a whole class party and dd had picked the friends she is closest to. Someone said there are cheaper ways of doing a party then and it’s not about how much you spend, it’s about not excluding children. Another mum said if you can’t invite everyone then you shouldn’t be having a party that some of them will hear about.

I do get that nobody wants their child to feel left out but I’m not sure what people expect me to do here. There are 29 children in the class. Even if I did something at home I couldn’t have 29 children in the house, and I don’t think I should have to invite everyone just because dd wants to do something with her friends.

The awkward bit is that the girl who’s upset has invited dd to her birthday before. They get on fine at school and have been to each other’s houses but they’re not particularly close. When I asked dd who she wanted to invite she didn’t mention her, she picked the girls she spends most time with outside school. I don’t want to tell her she has to invite someone because their mum might be upset.

The mum has now messaged me privately asking if there’s any chance her dd can come after all because she’s apparently really upset. I’ve already paid for the places and would have to check if the venue can fit another child in. dd has also already chosen her friends and is really looking forward to it.

Am I being mean here? I genuinely thought it was normal for them to have smaller parties as they got older but now I’m wondering if I’ve missed some rule everyone else knows about.

What an embarrassment! The other parent, not OP. My DD has been heartbroken seeing others have parties and not inviting her. I would never have dreamed of messaging the mother. I do know there was some nastiness to my DD about not being invited to some parties with the promised invitation that never came once they've been handed out and the 'I want you to come but my mum says no'. I am sure your DD would never have done it but maybe there's been some nastiness in the past which is playing on her mind.
Or, she could just be unhinged.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5589431-to-think-its-rude-that-a-girls-mum-is-inviting-her-round-to-play-with-dd-on-a-pre-existing-play-date?page=1

This is bonkers. DD1 has never wanted a big party, she doesn’t like big groups. We’ve always done a small group of friends from school and outside school. I’m not inviting kids she doesn’t even play with that she doesn’t want to attend. Waste of time and money. And she wants to do stuff that is only really possible in a small group - pottery painting, craft party, etc.

I would not take kindly to another parent of a child my friend doesn’t even play with complaining they hadn’t been invited.

I think that’s awful OP, why should you have to invite whole class, my dcs never did and neither does Dgc

Oh my goodness! Mine both had one whole class party each (in Year 1!) and then smaller groups of varying numbers through the years. 6-8 is absolutely fine and normal. By 8, there’s no way my DD would have wanted most of the class at her party - they often have their little friendship groups set by then, and she definitely wouldn’t have wanted any of the boys who she apparently finds reeeeeaally annoying even now in Year 6 🤣

This is madness, I can’t believe what I’ve just read!! How embarrassing of the mothers to get on a group chat and complain. Absolutely ridiculous. Here on the other side of the world no sane mother would dream of questioning a party invite, or lack of one. It’s swings and round abouts. Don’t feel pressured to change your arrangements. And I hope your daughter has a super fun party 😊🎉

I don't know when the thing about having to invite the whole class started. It wasn't a thing when mine were young and it certainly wasn't a thing in any schools I taught at.

I usually found 6 friends was a manageable and affordable amount.

That's so entitled. All parties at that age are for small numbers.
I would post on the group chat one comment without explanation.
" Gosh! How embarrassing!"
And hope they're self aware enough to realise you mean them. CFs.

This was my eldest DC and, to be honest, it absolutely was completely shit. It's only now I see her at secondary in a lovely friendship group, that I realise quite how crap she must have felt at primary.
And primary put a label on it, talked about her having social concerns etc too.

There's a really good book called Confidence Code for Girls that focusses on being yourself and being happy for yourself which is worth adding to a Christmas stocking.

Bollocks. It’s perfectly acceptable to only invite a few kids to a party. What is not acceptable is inviting 25 out of 27 kids. Asking to be invited? Wow that is bold.

Smaller groups entirely the norm here from Year 1-2.
I would encourage empathy in the children though. For example, if they do a horse riding party and all get a rosette, I'd not take them into school showing them off. Or a football party, discourage taking in of medals.
The mother is a CF. You did the right thing by setting up a smaller WhatsApp group for the invitation but just have a word with the girls generally about empathy and how they are discussing this at school.

What you’ve done is normal. My daughter is 6 and last year went to several parties with four or five children from school, including a bowling party. It is weird that parents are getting offended and inserting themselves in this.

It’s only October so there can’t have been that many parties yet.

My son is year 5 and he doesn’t get a huge amount of invites. He also only invites 2-3 people for his parties too.

Personally I would just nurture the friendships he has, invite children round for play dates, trips to the park etc.

I’ve had several parties for my child and I’ve never invited more than 6 children. I can’t afford to invite the whole class and as they mix the classes every year it would mean my child not being able to invite the children she is friends with who aren’t in her class. So she makes her list and those are the children invited. She doesn’t get invited to all birthday parties in her class and that’s OK.

My daughter is 8 and since she was 6 has invited only the little friends she prefers and I respect that. The whole class thing ended when she was 5, the last year of preschool here. Some parents dont get they´re not 4 year olds any more.

Just another thing for people to be offended about it seems. When did we get to a time where you can barely breathe without offending someone 🙄
I never did full class invites either, just the children mine enjoyed playing with most plus maybe family friends. And to my knowledge no parents were ever offended if theirs weren’t invited, just like I wasn’t if mine weren’t invited to someone’s else’s.

if they are old enough to pick and choose their guests they are also old enough to understand discretion and empathy when talking about it in school - it's rude to discuss in a group an event to which only part of the group is invited.

You haven’t done anything wrong. Yes I have seen my own son upset at primary school at not being asked to parties, but I would just say not everyone can afford to ask everyone. They have to learn everything is not all about them. The messaging on the WhatsApp is insane. Cheeky fuckery at its best I would say.

Why would it be wrong?

I did one full class party but it was hiring the council soft play so same cost and an up to number of children. I did the food and games myself. Then it was always 4 to 5 mates each time because it was bowling or the like.

I agree with this.

small party for 8th birthday- totally fine.
parents bringing this up on class whattsapp-bonkers.
Mother directly asking for her child to be invited - a bit embarrassing to be begging and probably even more upsetting for that little girl.

However… when those 5 kids were picked, at age 8, as a parent you should have a bit of an eye on the list that none of the friends are excluded, whose party she attended or who she has been playing with outside of school a few times over the last 6 months. Basically, don’t exclude anyone she is actually friends with. Never worry about the class, but what if they are a group of 7 and that one girl is the only one not invited.

Sounds like they all have too much time on their hands. Best to ignore.

Begging a party place for your dc on the school group chat is never a good look…Just ignore it op. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’ll be old news soon. Better to rise above it.

I largely ignore ridiculous messages like this. I’m polite in stating my reasons and then don’t engage further.